Have you ever wondered why victims stay quiet about the abuse they’ve experienced?
In this article, we will unpack the answer to this question.
We will cover:
Let’s have a look!
What’s Helpful to Understand
As an outsider, it's hard to understand when someone who used to be close with you and share their life with you suddenly stops and hides details of their relationship. They may not resemble the friend you once knew.
As you watch them slowly become a shell of their former self, you might begin to think, “I would never allow myself to be in that situation.” Or you might think to yourself that if you were in the same situation, you would never keep silent. You would certainly reach out to your friends for help. Wouldn’t you?
What’s helpful and important to know is that abuse doesn’t happen all at once.
How Abuse Starts
An abusive relationship doesn’t start with a punch.
It isn’t as obvious as one might think.
Most abusive relationships begin with an incredibly positive and romantic beginning where the victim attaches themself to their partner who lavishes them with love.
In the subtlest of ways, abusive behaviors take place, little by little over time. After many failed attempts at conflict resolution, the victim starts to feel compelled to remain silent. They find themselves overcome with self-doubt and confusion.
Also, most victims do not understand what they are experiencing is abuse.
Abuse Can Happen to Anyone
Abuse happens to all types of people.
It does not discriminate against persons. Victims can be male or female and come from varying backgrounds regarding ethnicity, economic status, or educational degree.
When someone wonders if they are being abused or realizes they are dealing with abuse in their relationship, they will likely feel shame and fear, and they may be coerced into remaining silent. This makes it a struggle for a victim to speak about the abuse they experienced.
There are several compelling reasons victims keep silent while they are in an abusive relationship.
Why Abuse Victims Stay Silent
There are several reasons victims keep silent while they are in an abusive relationship:
A few of those reasons include:
- The Stigma of Abuse
- Double Abuse®
- Fear of Retaliation
Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
The Stigma of Abuse
The stigma of abuse is real.
Even if the victim gains a little confidence and considers speaking out about the abuse, the stigma causes them to reconsider.
Why? Well, in our culture, it remains a reality that many people view victims with disdain or disbelief.
Many people do not understand abuse nor are they knowledgeable about how people end up in destructive relationships. Their response can be quite harmful to the victim.
We can see this in the stories that make headlines in news or on social media. Too often, when a victim comes forward the response from their social or professional communities is often to disbelieve, oppose, suppress, criticize, shun, or ostracize..
For example, we all remember Dr. Larry Nassar and the USA Gymnastics.
Time and time again, the victim becomes the accused within their surrounding circles.
Although most victims will not have to share their story on a public platform, the message to victims has become clear: many people do not want to believe that abuse happens.
Over time, people within abusive relationships lose the strength of their self-identity and struggle significantly with self-doubt.
Most often, their abuser has been consistently demeaning them. They blame the victim using various false accusations.
This makes the idea of exposing the secret life of abuse they have been living very difficult for the victim.
This vulnerable state, coupled with the stigma of abuse, makes it nearly impossible to believe they will be well-received when they disclose to another.
Until the victim becomes so desperate that they will risk judgment, it seems easier for them to remain silent.
Double Abuse®
Far too often, when the victim finally finds the courage to reach out for help, they are:
- Minimized
- Disbelieved
- Blamed
- Judged
- Ostracized
- Shamed
- Shunned
- Silenced
When a person responds this way, we call this “Double Abuse.”
We use the words Double Abuse because the response exacerbates the trauma from the Original Abuse, adding another layer of harm and creating a sense of hopelessness and despair.
This often escalates PTSD into Complex PTSD.
Those responding to someone who has been harmed by abuse might have unconscious biases against those who claim to be experiencing harm.
Or they might be uneducated and ill-informed about healthy and helpful ways to respond to a person who has been abused.
Whatever the reason, these types of responses are not ok.
The MEND Project was founded by Annette Oltmans to end Double Abuse®.
She noticed it was the common thread within each individual story in every interview she had with hundreds of victims.
Our team continues to see this thread in nearly every story shared with us.
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The Fear of Retaliation
There are subtle undertones the victim receives from the abuser throughout their relationship that lead them to believe if they speak of what they have experienced, there will be consequences. These messages suggest they cannot tell anyone what happens in their relationship, or there will be retaliation.
Their partner may also tell them directly that their relationship is confidential and sacred and that details about it are not to be shared with anyone.
If the victim innocently shares something with a friend and their partner learns about it, they are likely to become offended or angry at the victim.
They might punish the victim for their disclosure through the silent treatment or slandering the victim to outsiders to undermine them and instill in them that they cannot share anything about the relationship with others.
Invested in the relationship, the victim vows not to share again, hoping peace will return to their relationship.
There may also be times when the abuser threatens the victim with sabotaging their reputation or career, harming their children, destruction or property, or even physical violence.
A victim living within the abusive dynamic knows from their experience that the perpetrator is capable of following through on their threats should the victim disclose to anyone outside of the relationship.
The fear they experience is effective in accomplishing the abuser’s goal.
Fear silences the victim.
Even without overt threats of violence, the victim instinctively knows and believes they will be punished if they speak to anyone else.
As a result of the destructive dynamics in their relationship, they live in an ongoing state of fear and stress.
Ultimately, the fear that telling someone else might escalate the abuse silences the victim.
Conclusion
We hope you feel enlightened and equipped when a victim finds the courage to break their silence and comes to you for help.
Gaining deeper insight and knowledge of the complex and complicated abuse dynamics in a relationship is key to understanding why victims remain silent.
It’s essential that you create a space where they can experience your compassion and feel safe speaking about all they have gone through.
You can be the light they need and deserve. You can lead a victim to safety and healing through a compassionate listening ear, empathy, validation, and the patience it takes to allow victims to make choices that best fit their needs in the time they choose.
I am having an extremely difficult time with continuing to listen and be of support to my cousin who has been a victim of emotional abuse for 20 years. We are Christians born and raised. So, God has been with us for our entire lives. I no longer trust my cousins judgement knowing that her decisions are being made through a negative spirit. The spirit of satan. The devil has control over her life and fear has kept her from listening to God and breaking free. She is so consumed by the fear that I believe her heart is blocked from receiving anything of God. That has placed me in sin with anger & bitterness & out of alignment with God. So much that I don’t want to have anything to do with her or her husband. I am in prayer about this entire situation.
Hi there.
Thank you for reaching out.
I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing with your cousin. I know it can be very hard to be a support for someone who is in the thick of an abusive relationship. I hope to encourage you to be compassionate and patient while at the same time setting boundaries to care well for yourself in the process. Fear is a very real for someone who is highly stressed and confused. In fact, we call it ‘prolonged states of stressful confusion’ or what is also known as a trauma state. Your cousin likely has complex PTSD and doesn’t know it. Complex PTSD has very serious symptoms that are difficult to overcome. cPTSD causes one’s cognitive ability to be compromised while at the same time, they are in a constant state of reacting involuntarily, in trauma responses, known as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. These trauma responses are involuntary. This means her body, in order to protect itself, reacts without her cognitive awareness or control. It is very hard to think clearly and rationally, if not impossible. She is probably hypervigilant, meaning highly sensitive and reactive to anticipatory fear from potential new trauma. In other words, she fears what will happen regarding every move she makes that might upset her abuser. if she leaves in this state, her fears regarding how her spouse might retaliate in unpredictable ways overwhelm her. Living with an emotionally abusive spouse is crazy-making and chaotic within an environment of constant recurring trauma. It would be very helpful for your cousin to take The MEND Project’s course offered on our website. It will provide her with the clarity she desperately needs to overcome her confusion. Confusion causes more trauma responses, so the course is reported by many victims and survivors to calm trauma symptoms, allowing your cousin to think more clearly and accurately about her situation and less reactively. Fear is a trauma response that she cannot control at this juncture. She needs education, validation, and calming support that does not pressure her or offer her advice. I’ll get into that a little later in this communication. Without education, she will continue to languish in a trauma state. We have a phrase here at MEND. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing. It would also be helpful if you would take the course. It will give you tremendous insight and reduce your frustration. It will teach you many important things you should know about emotional abuse and ways to interact with your cousin. The course is only four modules. One hour of reading per week plus a two-hour recorded session with me. It’s a self-paced course, and you can pace it weekly or take the entire course in a couple of days. Taking the course will jumpstart your cousin on her healing journey. The course will provide her with a wealth of comprehensive information regarding what she is experiencing, the mindset she is currently in, as well as the mindset of her abuser to give her a reality check and allow her to see her overall situation more clearly. Right now she is experiencing what is called cognitive dissonance. She is not seeing her situation through an accurate lens. The course will then take her through ways to heal. Each module will prepare her to make the necessary changes or decisions she needs to implement. It does not pressure her to stay or to leave. Her improved cognitive ability will enable her to make decisions that are best for her, equipping her to understand the pros and cons of remaining in an abusive household or leaving to step into a new and peaceful life. There is another resource I’d like you to review on our website. It’s called The Healing Model of Compassion. This simple tool will help to guide you through how to correctly interact and converse with your cousin without adding to her trauma. The best thing you can do at this point is to listen, listen, listen without interrupting her or redirecting the conversation to a point you want to share. It’s important that when she tells you things, you do not react emotionally. Doing so will shut her down or cause her more trauma. Please don’t give her advice, judge, criticize, or interrogate her. She needs someone safe and calm to listen so she can process out loud what she is experiencing. Having someone safe to share her story with helps to calm her confusion. You can also validate her by saying things like, “Nothing you have done deserves this maltreatment. This is not your fault. Abuse is a choice, it’s not an accident. Your husband is choosing abuse over love and empathy. I can imagine how stressful this is for you. A healthy relationship includes empathy and loving care.” And so on. If you give her advice, you are speaking down to her, similarly to how her spouse treats her. It will generate a trauma response. Giving advice is not helpful. It’s harmful, which may seem confusing to you. Speak to her with respect and care. And if she takes up too much of your time, you can tell her before the conversation that you only have thirty minutes. Or state what time you think you can provide her while at the same time caring well for yourself. Be aware that listening to traumatic stories can cause vicarious trauma in yourself. It’s stressful to hear about maltreatment. Care well for yourself by doing nice things for yourself to offset the stress you are feeling. I’m a Christian. I don’t believe it is helpful to share scripture with your sister unless it is a scripture that supports how God loves her and how Jesus treated people with kindness and respect. At the same time, he had no patience for those who abused others. But tread lightly to stay away from offering her advice. Pouring Christian guidance onto her is not helpful. It places you in a position to speak down to her as though you know what is best for her. It’s critical to treat her as an equal, someone to meet where they are in the moment rather than where you think she ‘should’ be.
I hope this communication was helpful. If you have more questions, please feel free to reach out to me at info@themendproject.com.
In the meantime, think of compassion, calm, and emotional safety for your cousin and for yourself.
Warmest blessings,
Annette