5 Emotionally Abusive Mistakes That Some ‘Good’ Parents Make

The vast majority of parents want to parent well. If they knew that their words or actions were harming their children or even causing trauma, they would work to stop. There are some common things parents say and do to their children without even realizing how harmful their words or actions are to their child’s development. You may relate to some of these as a parent, or you may have experienced emotional abuse from parents.

In this article, we’re going to talk about them, and you will learn:

Let’s dive in.

With Clarity — Becoming a More Loving Parent is Often Straightforward

If we are honest with ourselves, many of us would admit to having used one or more of the unhealthy behaviors MEND defines when communicating with romantic partners, friends, or our children.

Many parents can acknowledge the parenting mistakes they have made that may have unintentionally harmed their child.

Simple awareness may bring all the tools and motivation they need to change, like it did for Cindy in her story below.

I never intended to hurt my little girl with my words and responses to her.

I really had no idea how badly I had been harming her.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that I had been minimizing and invalidating her for quite some time.

Emotional abuse is such a complicated topic. It seemed too hard to understand.

Yet, when I saw MEND’s terms and definitions of unhealthy behaviors used in covert abusive relationships (vs. overt behaviors), I immediately recognized some of them.

I was not abused, but I was guilty of engaging in some of those behaviors with my daughter.

I can still hear my mom telling me my nightmares were “just a dream” and not to worry about them, while I remained terrified to go to bed because I feared their return.

Rather than comfort me in a time of extreme stress, she dismissed the experience altogether through her response.

The reality is that she was probably just tired.

Nevertheless, the opportunity to see me, hear me, and teach me was lost.

As the story goes, years later, I found myself saying the same thing to my own daughter who had woken my husband and me up many nights in a row due to recurring nightmares.

We were exhausted, and I allowed my exhaustion to justify dismissing her feelings rather than provide her with the nurture she needed to help build resilience to get through a tough season.

I could attribute my actions to being over-tired and, well, human—which isn’t incorrect; I am not an abuser after all.

The reason does not change the reality that I caused harm. I needed to apologize and wanted to change my ways.

I am grateful for this gift of clarity that allowed me to become the more loving parent my children deserve.

Let’s have a look at 5 - unfortunately too common - emotionally abusive behaviors that parents sometimes use with their kids, and often without realizing.

5 Behaviors That Lead to Emotional Abuse From Parents

1. Minimization

Minimization occurs when we dismiss, ignore, or downplay our children’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Common phrases parents tell their children, such as, “You’re too sensitive,” “Don’t be so sad,” or “Stop being so emotional,” are all minimizing. Even facial expressions that communicate displeasure or annoyance without the phrases can minimize a child.

While it’s not wrong to encourage your children not to sweat the small stuff and to teach them resilience and strength in character, minimization encourages them to shut off their emotions. It prevents their emotional IQ from developing healthily.

When you don’t believe your child’s distress is valid, it’s important not to belittle them through your response. Telling them, “Don’t worry, it’s not such a big deal,” is a phrase that belittles them. Instead of learning to understand and address their fears, responses like this make them feel ashamed for feeling fearful or distressed. When belittled or minimized, they are more likely to self-condemn when they feel fear or distress rather than learn how to process and work through the negative emotions.

These are emotions they are unlikely to avoid in life. Use this as an opportunity to encourage them to assess whether or not it’s worth being upset over and allow them to feel their emotions healthily and openly.

This will help teach them to be aware of their emotions and demonstrate healthy ways to handle them instead of inadvertently teaching them to dismiss negative emotions altogether.

2. Invalidation

Invalidation is a form of minimization in which a parent discounts, dismisses, or otherwise communicates that their child’s thoughts, behaviors, or emotions are not relevant or valued.

When a parent regularly invalidates their child, it can have long-lasting consequences into their teen and young adult years.

Children who experience invalidation from their parents begin to question their own reality. This can create significant self-doubt in the child’s mindset. They will learn not to trust their gut and instincts, which can have far-reaching effects on their sense of self and the course of their life.

Essentially, you tell them their experience and emotions are wrong when you invalidate them.

A child continually invalidated by their parent is also likely to experience emotional dysregulation.

Validation creates a safe space for a child to practice regulating their emotions. Validation tells your child that you see them, hear them, and understand their internal experience about a situation.

Even when you don’t think your child is saying something reasonable or healthy, validate your child’s expression of their experience rather than trying to replace it with your own opinion.

It does not mean you are in agreement with them. However, when you validate them, you create a safe space in which you can help them better navigate life’s situations.

Through validation, their anxiety about a situation may be eased, and they might be more willing to share vulnerably with you what is causing them to respond that way, creating opportunity for growth and healing.

During the developmental stages of life, children need healthy adults to validate their emotions.

3. Joking

Joking, or what MEND calls Weaponized Joking, involves saying mean things at the other person’s expense and using blame-shifting to deflect. It is a tactic that is commonly used by abusers. 

An entertaining joke everyone can enjoy requires creativity and not sarcasm and put-downs, which are aimed at one individual.

Some families make joking and humiliation a sport. They may sit around the dinner table, picking away at each other’s insecurities to produce a laugh. Or when a child asks a question or makes a mistake, the family may decide to make light of it through sarcasm and joking.

Although your family might be used to this type of joking, please know that it does not happen without deeply affecting your child.

It often causes shame and insecurity and teaches the child to perform well to be loved.

Children who seem unaffected by the sarcastic jabs are still hurt by them, even if they are better at deflecting or hiding the shame they feel.

There are plenty of opportunities to joke and have fun that do not shame or embarrass your child. We are not saying to take all the fun out of family or that joking is always bad. It’s not. However, real and intelligent humor will never come at the expense of another person.

4. Withholding

Withholding is refusing to communicate, listen, or rejoice in one’s good fortune as a form of punishment. Withholding is one of the most toxic forms of abuse.

Within a parent-child relationship, we see withholding most often when a parent refuses loving physical touch, gives their child the silent treatment, or refuses to celebrate their child’s accomplishments.

For example, a parent withholds when they refuse to hug, embrace, or show any warmth or affection toward their child as a form of punishment when they do something wrong.

A child being corrected needs to know that you still love and care for them more than ever.

Not being able to embrace the child immediately after wrongdoing is okay, but continuing to withhold physical affection for any sustained period of time is not okay. It makes the child feel as if they are isolated, ignored, or unlovable.

When a parent refuses to talk to a child as a way to punish them, every mistake the child makes becomes a personal affront to the parent, which it often isn’t.

It is harmful to a child when their parent refuses to celebrate their child’s successes or give credit to their child when they deserve it, and instead, they criticize or correct the minor mistakes the child made or teach them ways to do better next time. The child’s first attempt is worthy of affirmation.

Learn more about the abusive tactic of withholding here.

5. PutDowns

PutDowns happen when a parent punishes or puts down a child in front of an audience.

Most often, we see this as an exertion of abusive control or power over a child.

Occasionally, a healthy parent might make this mistake when they are at their wit’s end and, in their exhaustion, fail to exercise self-restraint.

PutDowns give rise to shame and humiliation in the child and cause significant harm to their sense of self-worth and esteem.

There is no benefit to public shaming or humiliating your child, which only causes fear in them and violates trust.

This type of fear follows them into adulthood, can become a barrier to a healthy emotional life, and is incredibly difficult to set aside or release.

The regret that comes from the damage a parent causes by losing their cool and publicly shaming and humiliating their child is far greater than any regret you would have for pausing, taking a deep breath, and refraining from correcting your child until you are far away from the ears of any bystanders, or alone.

The manner of correction should be firm and loving, not shaming and critical.

Honestly Reflect — Occasional Instance vs. Patterns That Need to Stop

Honest reflection on the behaviors described above to see if you have succumbed to any of them will help your relationships significantly.

If you realize you are regularly employing any of the behaviors mentioned in this article, or maybe others came to mind as you read along, and you are unable to stop these destructive behaviors, please get the help you need to become a healthy and effective parent.

There is no shame in reaching out to get the help of a skilled therapist. Find someone experienced in the ways you need to find the healing you desire. It will be worth it to you and your children in the short and long term.

Many parenting courses are also available that are directed toward helping parents overcome harmful or destructive parenting styles.

We encourage you to explore other ways to own your mistakes and speak encouragement and life into your children. A good place to start is by acknowledging you were wrong and saying “I’m sorry” to your child.

It’s never too late. And we are here to support you in any way we can!