You’ve been the victim of abuse—and now, you’re wondering if it was actually your fault.
You’ve spent hours, days, weeks—maybe even years tipping back and forth between two contrasting thought processes:
I deserve better than this. I shouldn’t be treated this way.
And…
Maybe it IS my fault. Maybe I’m to blame for why this is happening.
In this article, we’re going to:
- Discuss why people sometimes feel like abuse is their fault
- Talk about how sometimes ‘reactive defense’ can make you feel like you were the abusive one (when in reality you were a victim defending yourself)
- Describe the mindset of an abusive person (to help you understand their true motivations)
- And provide you with a 5-step plan to accept that abuse is NOT your fault
Let’s talk about it.
You Were Conditioned to Believe It Was Your Fault
Here’s the thing… abuse is not your fault—but it’s fairly common to feel that way.
If this is your reality, you may feel confused, afraid, angry, ashamed, or trapped.
And, chances are, you’ve been stuffing feelings down like, “I must not be loveable," “maybe I don’t know how to communicate effectively,” or “maybe something is intrinsically wrong with me”.
In contrast, you may have ignored your intuition by stuffing feelings like, “why don’t I ever experience empathy from my partner” or “my partner is chronically defensive and punitive towards me. It must be because something is wrong with me.” In either case, you’re confused, stressed and full of self doubt.
You may blame yourself, or feel responsible for what has happened in your relationship.
You may even feel responsible to fix it.
Or perhaps you believe you have the power to change everything, if you could figure out that one thing you need to do.
We understand why so many victims keep looking for the one thing they can do to stop the abuse. They think that if they found it, their situation would change. But if victims have to wait on the abuser to change, it might never happen.
These feelings are normal responses to abuse. There is nothing wrong with you. We know you are doing the best you can.
But all of this will hinder your ability to heal, so it’s important to reject the lie that the abuse was your fault.
Do This First
Now, first, stop to take a moment and recognize any shame or responsibility you are feeling for the conflict and pain coming from your complicated relationship.
Why is this the most necessary step?
The internal dialogue of self-blame is one of the most important ideas your abuser conditioned you to believe.
Through denial, criticisms and other manipulative means, they confused you to make you feel responsible for any conflict—making you feel worthless.
If you were a better friend, lover, child, parent—a better anything—they would not have harmed you.
Or “if you weren’t so depressed” they wouldn’t have done that.
Their accusations likely were relentless and wore you down, which made it difficult to reject them.
What they tried to make you believe about yourself was never true.
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It can make you feel like you are going 'crazy,' or create serious cognitive dissonance, which is a disconnect between how you interpret events to what is actually happening. These confused feelings and interpretations cripple you and keep you from being able to evaluate your situation clearly.
Abuse is never the victim’s fault.
Still, those lies they told you probably seep into your thoughts as if they were your own.
That doesn’t make them true.
But, we're jumping too far ahead. We’ll cover how to break these lies in a bit.
For now, look:
If the abuse had been your fault, you would have been able to make it stop—but nothing you did seemed to work and you know you’ve tried everything
But the abuse did not stop.
Here’s another ‘always present in every abusive relationship scenario’ that confirms the abuse was not your fault.
The Abuse is Covert
Covert Emotional Abuse (“CEA”) is the hidden, hard-to-name, repeated behavioral tactics used to manipulate another person and cause harm to their heart and inner emotions.
These tactics are hard to describe and name, and are therefore nearly impossible to confront.
Covert Abuse confuses the victim, causing them to experience profound self-doubt and often question their reality.
Covert Abuse is intended to exert control over another.
Being alone as a recipient of the abuse, and the only true witness of it, causes a bewildering inability to sort out one’s traumatic experience.
You May Have Reacted in Ways That Do Not Make You Proud
Another reason victims feel responsible is because they feel ashamed for the ways they reacted to emotional abuse, which were outside their normal character.
You may wonder if you were also abusive.
These responses are known by professionals as “Reactive Abuse.”
MEND refers to it as “Reactive Defense,” because those reactions result from involuntary brain responses. These are triggered by recurring and ongoing trauma, which compel the victim to respond in a fight, flight, freeze, or appease mode.
You may react strongly (and even aggressively) to the abusive situation.
You can learn more about it by reading our blog on Reactive Abuse.
Reactive defense is the body’s natural self-defense mechanism designed to protect you.
It is not abuse.
Self-Blame Helps You to See Your Partner in a More Positive Light
Often, self-blame is not about taking responsibility, but about how abuse victims avoid facing the reality of physical or sexual abuse, or emotionally abusive circumstances they continue to encounter.
A victim’s constant self-blame is like a “reverse psychological projection.”
In other words, by blaming themselves they can project their positive traits onto their partner, which they desperately want to believe are true. They desire to believe their partner is good for them and that they love them. When the victim takes responsibility for the relationship’s troubles it allows the victim to believe they can improve their relationship.
Emotional Abuse Is a Result of the Faulty Mindset and Worldview of the One Causing Harm
Why your partner chooses to use abusive tactics that harm you has only to do with their own faulty belief systems or thinking patterns. These were developed long before you met and are possibly generational.
We call these foundational truths the Pillars of Abuse:
1. Entitlement
The expectation by the emotional abuser for preferential treatment, double standards, or rewards even when they do not deserve it and regardless of whether it causes harm, or deprives others’ needs or well-being. This entitlement holds a deep-seated belief that boundaries or rules which apply to their partner do not apply to them under any circumstance. The abuser believes they are entitled to be the dominant partner.
2. Faulty Belief System
This involves the abuser’s moralistic judgments based on limited knowledge, family system, or social bias, which causes them to oppress others.
For example, gender bias, sexism, or patriarchy can skew the abuser’s belief system—making it very difficult for them to recognize a need to change the behaviors resulting from that system.
Equality, mutual respect, mutual validation, and reciprocity would indicate a healthy relationship where conflicts are rather peaceful and solutions-oriented.
3. Image Management
Image management is when the abuser will do anything to hide their flaws or insecurities in public and protect their image at any cost, most notably at the expense of the target of their abuse.
A person’s motivation for covert emotional abuse is to intentionally oppress, power over, and control, while other times their motive is to avoid truly being seen through authentic emotional connections and conversations leading to a secure attachment.
The emotional abuser is so uncomfortable with emotions they do anything to avoid dealing with their partners’ or their own feelings. And the abuser’s feelings are seriously distorted.
The faulty thinking and beliefs drive their actions to shut down or block their victim’s authentic attempts to communicate effectively.
Now, let’s look at some ways to release shame and self-blame.
How Can You Accept That Abuse Is Not Your Fault?
Here are some steps that you can take to create some self-compassion and accept that the abuse is not your fault:
1. Acknowledge the Truth
So long as you remain in agreement with the lie that the abuse was your fault, it will continue to control you and hinder the healing process.
Acknowledging the truth and recognizing that the abuse is not your fault is the first crucial step in your recovery. To help you accomplish this goal please spend time on our website where you will find the validation you need. Or reach out to a trusted friend who is willing to compassionately listen to your story and communicate that nothing you did deserved to receive the maltreatment you’ve experienced.
2. Remember That No Matter How Hard You Tried, You Never Stopped Experiencing Emotional Abuse
Maybe it subsided for short periods of time, but it never ended. If you were responsible for it, you would have been able to make it stop.
3. To Begin Healing, You Need to Adopt the Truth That Your Mistakes Do Not Excuse Their Abuse
If you made mistakes, as we all do, abuse is never an appropriate response to them. Responding abusively is a choice, it is not a mistake or accident.
4. Stop Telling Yourself That “Maybe You Could Have Stopped It”
Many victims feel responsible for the abuse because they ignored early red flags, didn’t leave sooner, or weren’t able to make it stop. Many psychological abuse victims don’t realize that what they are encountering is abuse; they lack clarity of what is actually happening and are stuck in prolonged states of stress and confusion.
Whether you ignored the warning signs, shut down your own instincts, or stayed when you should have left does not mean the abuse is your fault.
5. Declare Aloud (and Often) That the Abuse Is Not Your Fault, Even if You Don’t Feel That Way on the Inside
Make it your daily (maybe even hourly) mantra: “the abuse was not my fault” or “I did not deserve it.” “I am loveable and deserve to be treated with kindness and mutual respect.” It can be very helpful to find a therapist with extensive experience in abuse and trauma to explore why you carry a deficeit of self love. It may have come from childhood experiences you’ve yet to identify. The goal is to firmly believe you deserve better because you are a loveable person.
Conclusion
Abusers often perpetuate their control by intentionally or unintentionally making victims question, “is it my fault I was abused?”
However, abuse is never the victim's fault.
On the contrary, covert abuse, a distorted worldview, reactive defense, and familial or social conditioning all contribute to misplaced blame.
However, by shifting a victim’s mindset and accepting the truth that no behavior ever justifies abuse, victims can begin to end abusive cycles.