You Are Not Crazy

You may be asking yourself, “Does my partner treat me unkindly?” But what does that really look like? Is this normal conflict? Does everyone else feel this way? Maybe it’s just an occasional slight or maybe it happens everyday. Maybe it happens multiple times a day. Maybe there are themes to the unkindness. And yet your partner insists it’s either all in your mind or all your fault. Is it?

You live in a world that carries the message, “this is the norm”. You may feel that everything is going along just as it should. But then, without any warning, your partner takes a swipe at you. A physical swipe. A verbal swipe. Or they shut you out, stonewalling you. You are trying to make sense of what just happened. But, you’re not sure.

Maybe they make jokes fairly often, that seem to be at your expense. But, you’re not sure. Or, they minimize your feelings or the experiences that are meaningful to you. But, you’re not sure. Or, your partner always seems to minimize things you are excited about. But, you’re not sure. It feels like your partner often treats you unkindly. But, you’re not sure.

Do you feel like you are living in a world of constant confusion and stress? Perhaps you feel like you are the crazy one. But you aren’t. You are not the crazy one. In fact, it is quite the opposite. People like you, who have had to navigate through a crazy-making environment within a maze of confusion are actually incredibly resourceful and intelligent. You have likely extended compassion and understanding, well beyond reason, toward the very person causing you this harm. YOU are NOT crazy.

COVERT EMOTIONAL ABUSE DEFINITIONS

The first step out of this crazy-making state of confusion is clarity. Clarity leads to healing.

To achieve clarity you must identify the behaviors you are experiencing and understand what they mean. Below, we have provided definitions to unhealthy behaviors that are considered emotionally abusive. Take a look at this list to see if you identify with any of these behaviors in your own relationships.

Denial:

A fundamental refusal to accept responsibility by living in a false reality.

Dismissing:

Getting rid of the other’s value and what they hold dear with a wave of the hand.

Joking:

Saying mean things, then acting as if you were joking when confronted with your behavior. “That was just a joke” can be the first sign of an abusive relationship.

Gaslighting:

Altering or denying a shared reality so that victims feel they are wrong in their perceptions and experiences. Acting like something that happened never happened.

Lying:

Consciously or unconsciously withholding or altering the truth with blatant disregard.

Power-play / Power Over:

Using any means necessary to make the other feel emotionally less deserving, impotent and powerless.

Magical Thinking:

Believing the abuser’s problems will go away with apologies or promises alone when much more work is required from the abuser to change.

Pathologizing:

Making the victim the problem by inflating their expression of a problem, which is actually caused by the abuser in the first place.

Playing the Victim:

Using language or defeatist posture, such as pouting, to avoid accountability and responsibility.

Entitlement:

Unrealistic demands that one is deserving of preferential treatment or double standards.

Blaming & Reverse Blaming:

In blaming, issues are always one- sided or reversed with the problem being laid at the victim’s feet.

False Accusations:

Stating an unexpected negative lie told to or about the partner. False accusations often lead to Scapegoating and Gaslighting.

Retaliation:

Engaging in deliberate “payback” for imagined harm instead of problem solving. This can be expressed in aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors.

Scapegoating:

Creating scenarios where facts are mischaracterized in order to confuse and turn consequences against the victim so they are viewed as guilty and forced to bear the responsibility for the problem. The victim is victimized twice; first by being made the brunt of the situation, and then by being made to bear the resulting shame or punishment.

All or Nothing:

Using black and white thinking to divert the focus off the abuser in order to disarm the victim.

Catastrophizing:

Creating fear and negative dependence in the victim and blowing things out of proportion.

Creating a Cloud of Confusion:

Telling false and grandiose stories to third parties in order to objectively undermine and manipulate the end result or outcome.

Disavowal:

Belittling and devaluing of the importance of one’s abusive behavior.

Withholding:

Refusing to communicate, listen or rejoice in one’s good fortune. One of the most toxic forms of abuse.

Broken Promises:

Making promises to do certain things or change, then denying ever making those promises, refusing to keep them, or saying they forgot.

Deflection:

Defensively refusing to authentically communicate, changing the topic, or inventing false arguments.

Minimization:

Abusive belittling of the victim’s perspective with the intention to make the victim’s values unimportant, and therefore, kill their confidence, creativity, and individuality.

Partial Confessions To Distract From The Real Issue:

Presenting half-truths distracting the victim or gaining the favor of the victim, accountability partner, or social circle by protecting oneself from actual consequences.

Reductionism:

Stripping the other’s ideas, expressions, or actions of value, thus minimizing the abuser’s culpability.

Sanitization:

Normalizing unhealthy behavior to make it artificially acceptable or good.

Rationalization/ Excuse Making:

Justifying destructive behaviors or attitudes with supposed logical reasons or excuses. Goes hand in hand with Scapegoating and Reverse Blaming.

Grandiosity:

Inflating one’s value to diminish the other’s.

Refusal To Take Responsibility:

Negating responsibility for one’s actions by diverting accountability and avoiding the hard work of changing.

Undermining:

Undermining is a sneaky way to squelch joy, effort, creativity, or ideas that could bring positive attention to the victim.

Cover-ups:

Attempting to prevent people from discovering the truth about a person’s behavior or actions. For example, volunteering in the community or giving gifts to cover up destructive behavior done behind doors and making it look as if they could never be an abuser.

Faux Confusion/ Abusive Forgetting:

A form of manipulation where they appear confused or conveniently forget.

Crazy Making Behaviors:

Intentional distortions of reality for the purpose of making the victim feel confused. A “cousin” of Gaslighting.

If you looked over these definitions and have been on the receiving end of many of them, then you are likely experiencing Covert Emotional Abuse. Being exposed to even a single covert behavior from this list in a repeated pattern is enough to be destructive to you or your relationship. However, experiencing multiple and repeated patterns from this list are much more harmful to you, and hinder your ability to clearly understand what is happening to you.

I’VE REACHED OUT FOR HELP AND NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME...

I LOOK LIKE THE CRAZY ONE.

Not being believed is often one of the most painful positions to find yourself in, and one that needs safe and corrective attention immediately. You cannot heal in isolation. You may have searched for help in the past and been unsuccessful, but don’t give up. Explore our website for guides and resources that can help you locate the support and care you need. There are abuse hotlines, shelters, support groups, and qualified therapists or pastors in your community who can validate your experience and show you the compassion you need. They have the training and skills to lead you toward healing. These avenues of support should feel right to you: they should support your reality, listen to your experience without judgment, help you process your pain, be informative, and non-confrontational.

If the fit isn’t right, keep looking.

When a victim receives anything less than this kind of support, they experience what M3ND has defined as Double Abuse®. Let’s take a look at what causes Double Abuse®.

When a person experiencing emotionally abusive behaviors from our list above seeks out help from someone unaware or uneducated about Covert Emotional Abuse, they may be met with judgment, skepticism, and incorrect counsel. These kinds of responses only exacerbate the victim’s abuse and result in a second trauma that is equally painful and often harder to heal from. This is known as Double Abuse®.

If you have already experienced Double Abuse®, it is imperative you find support from someone who is experienced in all forms of abuse, particularly Double Abuse®.

Sometimes, the Double Abuse® you experience at the hands of others is simply due to a lack of knowledge and education on their part. They may not have realized how their responses piled more hurt onto you. If you sense they are capable of learning, growing, and changing, please refer them to our website. We are dedicated to changing the response topography of First Responders.

What if those close to me refuse to change?

Unfortunately, there are some people and organizations set in faulty thinking, unwilling to change. They may turn their backs on you, gossip about you, shun you, or openly criticize you. These people may be family members, friends, social acquaintances, or members of a group you are involved in. If this occurs, it is important that you distance yourself from their messages to avoid becoming the victim of Double Abuse® once again. They have shown you they are unable to support you in a kind and loving way. But take heart because our website offers valuable resources and information to help you recognize Double Abuse® and counter its consequences. We are here to offer compassion and support on your journey from abuse to FREEDOM.

Finally, if you are in critical situation that you must extricate yourself from as soon as possible, follow these four steps for immediate help:

Call the national hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or find a local shelter
Create an exit plan
Have a separate, private cellphone
Have cash and a bag packed

I'm being treated unkindly

It's Not Your Fault