Walking with Victims of Bullying: the Healing Model of Compassion

In the past few weeks, we have explored both childhood bullying and bullying within adult relationships. When we think of bullying, many of us automatically imagine a big kid on a playground pestering a smaller one or stealing their lunch money, but changing times and the use of technology have convoluted the traditional image of bullying. The conclusion is clear: bullying is not going away. Instead, it is manifesting in new ways and extending its reach to targets located far beyond the playground. At The M3ND Project, we believe that clarity comes with knowledge. We may not be able to prevent bullying but we can respond in ways that support and empower victims, as well as to help bullies by facing accountability for their harmful behavior.

While the type of bullying that occurs today tends to be covert in nature and harder to detect and describe, the damaging effects on a person’s mental and physical health remain high. For first responders who interface with victims, it’s critical to be equipped with the best tools to guide and support the survivor toward true healing and wholeness.

As an abuse awareness organization, The M3ND Project talks about different types of abuse and how first responders can handle each one. One of the best resources we provide for those working with victims is our Healing Model of Compassion, which focuses on empathizing and listening to the victim rather than inserting instructions or opinions. For first responders, which is any individual to whom a victim may turn to for help, having this resource ready in their response toolbox can be life-changing for victims.

Listen

The most important first step you can take when a bullied victim shares their story is to listen. Listening doesn’t require knowledge of how to change or resolve the issue, but rather it is to show the willingness to let the victim share their whole story and process it in a safe space without interjecting questions, opinions or strong emotional reactions. Bullied victims can experience an increase in trauma by first responders, as bullying is sometimes disregarded as a common experience.

Listening with a closed mouth while the victim shares their story shows that you care and gives them the freedom to open up and perhaps let you know something they have not felt comfortable to share with others.

First responders should become aware of The M3ND Project’s terms and definitions of behaviors which they should refrain from. For example, far too often adult first responders to a child victim, such as the parents or school principal, often misuse minimization to quiet the victim, telling them that “boys and girls do this stuff all the time; it’s no big deal” and “I remember this happening on the playground when I was a kid.” Or, they place the blame on the victim, “Are you sure you didn’t provoke them?” The same responses can happen in the adult bullying situation, for example, when we tell a coworker, “You’re not special; she treats everyone that way,” effectively dismissing the victim altogether. When one responds to a victim in this way, it silences and traumatizes the victim and causes them to feel they need to shoulder the bullying all on their own, rather than securing hope for a way out or a safe place to share their experience and obtain help and resources they might need. Listening is a critical first step that will help the victim to feel safe and loved.

Accept

The second step is accepting what the victim/survivor says is true. Especially with instances of bullying, it can feel confusing on the listeners’ part to know who to trust because today’s bullying is often covert and may not be as obvious as a physical fight. But during that initial disclosure is not the time to question the victim’s story. Far too often, first responders wrongly believe they need to “get to the bottom of it” and interrogate the victim with many questions that make it appear to the victim that they are not being believed. The true facts will likely come out in due course, so when the victim first presents, it’s critical for the first responder to refrain from interrogating and instead choose to accept the victim’s emotions as authentic. This will make the child or adult victim feel safe in expressing themselves without feeling judged.

Empathy

Empathy is choosing to put yourself in someone else’s shoes by attempting to understand the weight and emotions of something you might have never gone through. Empathy invites compassion and safety, providing emotional companionship and building a relationship where the victim can continue reaching out to the first responder if they need to. For example, telling a child victim of bullying, “I can understand how that must have hurt to hear those words. I’m so sorry that happened.” Or an adult victim of bullying, “I am sure I would feel the same way if that happened to me. I’m sorry you are going through this right now.”

Validate

Validation is where the first responder mirrors back what they are hearing which confirms for the victim that they understand what they are saying and the victim’s feelings about the situation are valid. Saying “You have every reason to feel this way. I’m so sorry you are going through this” When done appropriately, validating statements help the victim feel heard as they witness how you care about understanding their story. Please remember, this is the time to try to make the victim feel supported and understood.

Identify

A first responder might have the urge to want to share personal stories to better relate to the victim. The next step, identify, may allow for a brief departure to the first responder’s own similar personal story to demonstrate that they are truly listening well; however, the first responder’s story should not hijack the conversation or overpower the victim’s speaking their own truth. One may ask gentle questions to get to the root of the issue and how it affects the victim physically and emotionally. For instance, “when ___ happened, how did it make you feel?” “Could you tell me more about your relationship with ___?” “How long has this been occurring?”

Encourage

This step is a natural outflow of the first steps. Once the victim feels safe, validated, and heard by the first responder, which the first few steps ensure, the door is open for the victim to share more. A first responder may want to do everything they can to help the victim but might shy away if they feel unqualified or can not fully relate to them. However, the best first responder is not always the one who can relate the most, but the one who continues to listen and trust the victim and find the deeper issues being expressed. The first responder should encourage the victim by sharing how proud they are that they chose to share their experience, for example.

Ask

Then ask them how you can help. When children are bullied there may come a time where a child-victim needs an adult to step in and intervene. Children may not be able to handle it on their own, especially when there are no peers helping to stand up to the bully. When we ask victims how we can help, it gives them an opportunity to disclose further how they are feeling and what they need. It brings them in as an integral part of the solution and empowers them greatly. A first responder to either an adult or child victim needs to understand what they are willing to do to help the victim of any type of abuse, because it may take significant self-sacrifice and commitment to follow through with actions in response to a victim’s needs. This may be the time the first responder needs to get others involved, after first seeking the victim’s permission, if they feel unable to support the individual beyond the initial conversation.

Grieve

This is also the time to express grief with the victim for what they have gone through. Perhaps that looks like sharing a tear with the victim, sitting with them in silence as they reflect on what they have lost, or what they are going to lose. It will look different in every situation, but expressing our grief with the victim is a crucial part of caring compassionately and honoring a very critical process of healing the victim likely needs to go through, grieving. Grieving with them for anything they may have lost through their bullying experience, whether that was a friend, a sense of security, or a trust for others, is an essential part of the victim’s healing journey.

The best way to end a conversation with a bullying victim is to offer encouragement and security to keep everything confidential, if possible. There are times, especially with children, when the first responder has a responsibility to report the bully and their behavior to authorities. But even in an adult bullying scenario, there might be circumstances requiring the first responder to alert people in authority to the bully’s behaviors. For instance, where the bully is creating a toxic workplace through their actions, the company may be unknowingly opening themselves up to significant liability. Sharing with human resources, after first receiving permission from the victim, may help to prevent further harm to co-workers and the company.

When the first responder tells the victim that they believe in them, that they are a good person and they know the victim will get through this, they are providing encouragement and support. Assuring the victim they will be there for them, ensures the victim that they are not alone and they do not have to figure out the situation independently. By utilizing the Healing Model of Compassion, first responders can feel better equipped and confident in properly supporting victims knowing they can positively impact their life and guide them during a rough season.

Resources

Covert Emotional Abuse Terminology- https://themendproject.com/am-i-the-victim-of-emotional-abuse/you-are-not-crazy/#definitions

As we move into the middle of the holiday season, The M3ND Project would like to thank you for your constant support. The M3ND Project is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization that relies on charitable contributions to educate, equip, and restore those impacted by abuse. We educate on covert emotional abuse and train individuals and organizations on the frontlines who are addressing and responding to victims. Please consider helping us continue our work by making supporting our Giving Tuesday campaign with a small monthly or one-time donation here: https://secure.givelively.org/donate/m3nd-project-inc/become-a-m3nder-2020