Why Does Nobody Believe Me?

You are not crazy. 

Victims who have had to navigate communications in a maze of confusion often say they feel like they are crazy. They are not crazy, they are in a crazy-making environment. 

The truth is, you are resourceful and resilient and you have incredible insight. 

You have likely extended compassion and understanding towards the very person or group causing you harm - more than their behavior warranted - and this probably made the issue of ‘not being believed’ as you disclosed your experience of abuse even more devastating.

Of those who have added to the harm by not believing you, some may be willing and capable of learning more about your situation. 

If they are, refer them to our website where they will gain an understanding of the complexities of abuse and are likely to see what you shared is believable and true.

While some responders are open, others are too entrenched in their ways of thinking and biased by the lenses they look through. They don’t know what they don’t know. Yet, on the other hand, they think they know it all.

These individuals or groups are less likely to change; they are too invested in cultural, religious, or patriarchal belief systems and positions of power to make any space for the reality of your experience. 

Their treatment will foster Double Abuse® toward you, which will further harm and oppress you.

And their response to you does not mean you are crazy or not believable. It means that they are ill-informed at best and judgmental while powering over you at worst.

2. Educate Yourself About Double Abuse

Double Abuse takes place when a victim speaks up about the covert abuse tactics or domestic violence they are encountering and their outcries are met with judgment, ultimatums, disbelief, shunning, or silencing. These responses can be highly traumatic for victims of abuse.

If you try to look for help but receive judgment, skepticism, or faulty guidance - or a combination of those responses - from a person or group, and your trauma is exacerbated as a result, it’s likely you experienced Double Abuse. 

This may be a great moment to read our page on Double Abuse. 

Connections with safe people are an essential component of healing from trauma. 

Find safe and reliable help from those who understand the nature of abuse and will not cause you further harm.

3. Audit Your Connections

Not all ‘help’ is ‘helpful.’ So, audit your connections to make sure they’re actually helping you to move forward in healing from the abuse. 

It’s imperative to find individuals who fully align with you. If individuals in your life circle are communicating they are going to take a neutral stance between you and your abuser, their stance will only help the abuser. 

There is no neutrality when dealing with abuse. Taking a neutral position is the same as colluding with the abuser. 

Abuse is a choice. It’s not an accident, and it’s never the victim’s fault.

Truly helpful connections will feel right to you. 

You will feel seen, heard, and unconditionally supported.

Healthy connections will help you stay grounded in reality. They will not cast any blame on you, and they will be able to provide you with space and time to process what you’ve experienced, with supportive listening ears. 

You’re likely in a state of confusion as you try to explain all you’ve endured. Processing aloud with a safe person can help you sort out your confusing experiences. A safe helper will not criticize you, nor will they give you unwanted advice. You don’t need people speaking down to you as if they know what’s best for you or what next steps you need to take. You know better than anyone what is best for you moving forward. You need safe people who will not authoritatively power over you but will treat you as an equal, and accept what you share with them as authentic and true. 

Processing all that you’ve endured takes time. Safe responders will have enduring patience and an abundance of compassion.  

We encourage you to find more than one person to walk alongside you; what you are going through and processing may be too much for one person to manage. Find a family member you can fully trust, a friend or two or more, a qualified therapist who is trained in abuse and trauma-informed, and a support group. 

You can join support groups at no or low cost online to access a facilitator and others walking through similar journeys as yourself. It’s very empowering to know that you are not alone. A group of like-minded individuals will be validating and informative. 

Also, it’s important not to look to others to rescue you. Only you can make decisions regarding your future. No other person can step into your shoes and walk it out for you. You are your best advocate. 

So, if it isn’t a good fit, look elsewhere.

You don’t want to end up in a place where you’re saying to yourself… 

“I’m continuing to experience hidden forms of abuse and no one believes me!”

What to do When You Are Not Being Believed About Abuse

Guard your heart and mind against the impact of the individuals or groups failing you. 

You might see them turning their backs on you. They may be gossiping about you and excluding you, or openly criticizing you. 

Be careful about setting up further false hopes or failed expectations with those who are not equipped to support you properly. This is truly akin to continuing to try to fetch water from an empty well. Actually - it’s much worse. A dry well cannot harm you. However, individuals who choose to power over you with condemnation can cause actual harm. 

Walk away from those who are harming you. 

If your family doesn’t understand and they are pressuring you to accept abuse, limit your conversations and interactions with them. If your friend group is doing the same, it’s probably time for you to seek out new friendships or limit conversations with them to be superficial rather than deeply personal. If your pastor is wrongly guiding you while also expecting you to take responsibility for holding the marriage together at all costs, leave your church and find one of many others who understand the harmful nature of abuse, who will accept you and respect your decisions and personal choices.

Focus on gaining strength and finding your voice. 

You can only change yourself. And you are not responsible for accepting abuse or changing your abuser.

Abusers rarely put in the work required to make true and lasting change. And change is something most abusers don’t want. They enjoy their power, and they feel entitled to it. For an abuser to change, it must come from deep within them.

It’s up to you to protect yourself and your children from abuse and Double Abuse by limiting your contact or walking away entirely. When others place their wrong ideals on your situation or mischaracterize you for setting boundaries or leaving the abuser, they are misguided and harmful. 

Victims of emotional or physical abuse cannot heal in isolation. We understand how discouraging it can be knowing you have tried without success to get the support you need and deserve. Click here to find information and guides that’ll help you locate crucial resources. 

You may benefit from calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline, a local domestic violence agency, a domestic violence shelter, a support group, or a one-on-one qualified therapist who can validate your experiences and show you compassion. 

You may also need an organization that partners with you to provide the training and skills necessary to turn your life in a healing direction. 

We encourage you to join one of The MEND Projects training cohorts, where you will receive abundant information to help you move forward in whatever direction you choose. Watch our videos on our YouTube channel to go even deeper. It’s helpful to gain as much knowledge as you can.

Tapping into qualified resources and finding safe people in your life at this juncture is a good starting point on your healing journey, whether you decide to stay or leave your abuser.

It’s worth mentioning again. If it’s not a good fit, look elsewhere. Trust your gut.

Take Heart

Hope is a reality! Many victims have successfully healed from abuse. 

And even if you’ve tried (without success) up until now to find the help you need, please don’t give up—because finding help is crucial. 

You cannot heal in isolation.

So take heart. 

There is true hope available. 

The MEND Project is here for you. You are not alone. 

Our website and training cohorts provide comprehensive information and validation.

We can offer you valuable information so that you can recognize a safe responder and learn to walk away from one who causes you further harm.

Here, you will find the compassion, support, and knowledge you need and deserve in your journey to freedom.