Can Your Relationship Survive After Abuse? (5 Signs to Help You Determine if Change is Underway)

Deciding whether to stay in an abusive relationship or go is often a difficult choice to make. Many in the domestic violence sector are against a victim of abuse staying unified with an abusive partner because it poses many risks emotionally and physiologically, as well as risks associated with escalated violence. That said, making the decision to stay or go is a personal one only you can truly make.

If you are just beginning to realize that you have been (or are) a victim of abuse it can be difficult to come to terms with - and your decision to stay or go may be fraught with confusion and anxiety.

Many victims of abuse would rather their partner change for the better rather than terminate the relationship. They wonder if there’s any hope of staying together. 

If you have been the victim of relational abuse, you might be wondering the same.

Abuse takes a serious toll on the victim and the relationship. Deciding to stay or go is not easy. And for most, it takes a lot of time and thought. While statistics show that very few abusers make a true and lasting transformation, change is possible for those who are willing and put in the long-standing hard work required.

We are so glad you are here to add more understanding and tools to the process as you consider your next steps.

In this article, you’re going to learn:

• The external and internal pressures you may be feeling to stay together and how they can have detrimental effects in an abusive situation
• Signs that will help you to determine whether or not your relationship can actually be salvaged after abuse
• The challenges and benefits involved in the processes of staying, separating, and/or reuniting

Let’s dive into it.

Should You Stay or Should You Leave?

We would not presume to steer you in one direction or another. You will know best the path to take. That said, we can present you with some things to think about as you consider one of the most important decisions of your life.

Making such impactful decisions with all the complex consequences that could follow - even if your instinct says it is the right thing to do - is fraught with internal prohibitions.

For instance:

1. Your Family May Have a Long Tradition of Marriage

Families may hold a tradition of never having a divorce in their lineage.

2. Your Faith May Caution Against Separation

People often find that their faith-based organization cautions against or forbids separation. If not officially, then members of the church or friends in a faith-based group may cast disparaging remarks on the person separating.

When the abuser has not shown tangible and lasting signs of change or the victim has long-term, traumatic effects from the abuse, we believe it is inconsistent with the Bible to require someone to remain in an abusive marriage. The Bible condemns abuse, or violence, and calls us to free the oppressed.

3.You May Think Separation Always Leads to Divorce

Many people mistakenly presume separation always leads to divorce, and it is not good to separate. However, faith-based and secular experts in the domestic violence field understand that separation is an important step to allow time and space for the victim to gain an accurate perspective and heal.

At the same time, a separation helps the victim and others to uncover how the abuser will respond or whether they will take the action steps to commit to real change. 

4.You May Wonder What is Best for the Children

It’s common for people suffering from covert abuse to wonder how their children will be affected and whether their own experiences will be understood by the children to justify breaking up the family.
 
Studies have shown that children living within an emotionally or physically violent or abusive home, even if not being directly abused, are harmed and can experience significant emotional and physical effects from prolonged trauma and unhealthy parental role modeling into their adult years of life.

As you’re working through your doubts and questions, it’s important to note that outsiders may impose their own ideals onto your decision-making process. To avoid Double Abuse it is essential to only confide in those individuals you deem to be fully aligned with you and emotionally safe.

In these situations, separation can become a ripe field for what we call  “Double Abuse,” the harm others cause through their judgmental responses, ultimatums, criticisms, etc. Double Abuse equates to the victim losing much-needed familial or community support. Victims cannot heal in isolation. Therefore, Double Abuse is traumatic and harmful and often mischaracterizes the victim, leaving them feeling hopeless.

There are many areas of life to consider when pondering whether to stay or go:

• Parenting
• Work responsibilities
• Financial concerns
• Other interpersonal relationships
• What your body is conveying to you
• Your personal mindset

It can feel overwhelming to think through it all. It can cause you to feel hesitant, or delay in making a decision. However, if you wait until your circumstances become unbearable, you may react impulsively without proper planning due to the prolonged stress you’ve been enduring. This may cause more chaos and harm to yourself.

This hidden form of emotional abuse or covert emotional abuse, known as the silent killer, causes prolonged states of high stress and confusion, leading to physical ailments. It may be helpful to use our tools and resources to educate yourself regarding your specific circumstances. This can help you have real clarity before reacting in a full state of trauma.

Take the time to make a deliberate, thoughtful, and balanced decision to stay or go, as long as you are not in immediate danger.

Staying, Separating, and Reuniting - the Challenges and Benefits

1. Staying

You may not be sure enough or ready enough to leave. You may feel that you need to give your relationship another, or one last, chance. 

There may be legitimate reasons for staying:

• Your vows and values
• Your sense that you have not exhausted all possible avenues of help
• Pregnancy
• Lack of a support system
• Illness of yourself or your partner
• Financial hardship if you leave
• A recent move to a new location

If you feel, for any number of reasons including those we might not have mentioned, that you need to stay in your relationship, it’s important to ask yourself:

• Who am I staying for?
  
• What are my reasons for staying?
  
• Is there something I can do to make staying the best direction to follow?
• If I stay, do I have evidence that things will improve? And if they don’t, what then?
  
• Are there ways to get help for my partner?
• Can I be protected within this relationship?
  
• Can I protect my children within this relationship?
  
• Are there legal services that can help me?
  
• Are there financial reasons that compel me to stay? Can I get a job or return to school for further education? Can I get help from my family or friends?
  
• Do I have others to turn to if I change my mind?
  
• In that case, what would a separation look like?
  

If you are in a physically violent relationship, seek help immediately. You can reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline or consult with a local domestic violence agency. Contacting officials will make sure you are properly evaluating your ability to leave safely. They can help you decide wether to leave with proper safety planning or to be safe if you choose to stay.

2. Separating

If you are in a physically violent relationship, the repercussions of this decision can be life-threatening. Therefore, before implementing a controlled separation, seek help and advice from a local domestic violence organization.

Dr. David Hawkins, an expert in relationships, has written, “There has to be a breakdown before there is a breakthrough.”

What this means is that the abuser is unable to gain perspective or motivation about their own culpability until they experience significant pain and loss, such as in a separation. This will likely be a point of deep frustration for you. All the methods you consciously attempted to motivate your partner to take change seriously have failed to produce meaningful action steps. It can be very frustrating to have to set the boundary of separation for your partner to take you seriously.

Separation serves as a tangible boundary with a measurable consequence signifying to the abuser that they might lose their entire relationship.

Often, victims in a relationship that has deteriorated cannot gain perspective, ensure their safety, or access their own self-efficacy until there is a separation. 

If this is the case, separation can offer:

• An essential way to set a meaningful boundary
• A safety net from recurring emotional and/or physical battery
• Learned assertiveness to be taken seriously
• Time and space for emotional and physical recovery to learn to think without distress, gain new perspectives, and restore your sense of self and agency.

Separation provides the space and time to obtain these important objectives.

Separation is considered clinically correct and necessary because, in an abusive setting, the relational problems have become so entrenched that they can’t be sorted out as a couple at this point in time for two reasons:

1. You are in a state of high stress and trauma, and therefore, you don’t have the clarity you need to understand what has been happening to you. You need space and time to heal and to gain an accurate perspective about yourself and your partner. You may not yet have the clarity you need to understand the specific behaviors that have been employed against you so you can clearly identify what may happen again soon.

         Clarity is the first necessary step to healing, which helps mitigate your confusion and                       empowers you to disengage rather than getting drawn back into chaotic conversations                   where there is no resolution. Over time, you have been programmed to view yourself as                 less than or to believe that the institution of marriage is more important than your well-                   being or the well-being of your dependent children. You will need to develop autonomy                 and a higher sense of self-worth, which takes time. 

1. Your partner is afraid of or angry at your enlightenment and their loss of control. They have poor coping skills. Therefore, they may retaliate with new controlling, manipulative behaviors or jealousy, adding more stress and trauma to your mind and body.

Separation may be the best avenue through which to stop the retraumatization you experience on a daily basis.

As stated above - if you are in a physically violent relationship - before implementing a separation, seek help and advice from a local domestic violence organization.

This is one reason why couple’s therapy in this stage of the relationship is strictly ill-advised. Well-trained therapists understand there are many pitfalls to the process until the abuser’s faulty thinking has been confronted, unpacked, and resolved.

Later, if the abuser has come to accept that they are responsible for their destructive behaviors and have completed much of the work demonstrated by longstanding and tangible change — and the victim has gained clarity, strength, and agency — then couple’s therapy may be reintroduced.

Separation may be the best avenue to lead to this outcome and can serve as a test of the victim’s fortitude to stand their ground.

A separation is not a time to act out all of your mixed feelings, your fantasies, your revenge, your blaming, your shame, anger, fear, or disgust.

It is a time to use designated space for recovery, seek expert help, clarify your experiences, think, and make informed decisions while continuing to honor and uphold the vows of your marriage. It’s a time when both parties agree to use finances in a way that is mutually agreed to.

Accordingly, we recommend what is called Controlled Separation.

What is a Controlled Separation?

In Controlled Separation, you form an agreement in which both parties respect the bounds of marriage or their relationship while having time and space to work through the problems you have been unable to resolve together.

Reasons for a Controlled Separation may include (but are not limited to):

• Infidelity
• Addiction
• Overt or covert abuse
• Betrayal
• Threats
• Taking advantage of a partner financially, socially, or in parenting

Several churches have adopted Controlled Separation policies, recognizing that they may be the most reasonable and effective path to safe and secure reconciliation—or, if necessary, amicable divorce.

Controlled Separation involves making contractual agreements about:

• The reasons for separation
• The length of time for the separation
• The postponement of divorce action for a specified period of time, while retaining the right to seek legal advice
• Logistical concerns for communication, child visitation, living conditions, financial arrangements
• With whom will you spend your discretionary time? Who will you avoid? Who will you confide in?
• How to discuss or not discuss your experience with others, family, friends, and co-workers?
• What kind of outside support will you seek, individually or together?

You may want to consider finding an educated, safe, reliable, and fair accountability partner who can hold the abuser to their necessary work and is also compassionate toward and fully aligned with the victim.

These are just a few examples of the many areas that need to be agreed upon in order to use a Controlled Separation to repair and fully reinstate your marriage—or attempt to move toward an amicable divorce.

There are several examples of Controlled Separation Agreements on the Internet.

After a period of separation, many new questions are going to surface, most of them about “What next?”

Embedded in these questions is a most fundamental one:

“Should we reunite?”

3. Reuniting

While neither the victim nor the abuser may like to hear this, any reunion rests mainly on the shoulders of the abuser.

Reunion depends on wanting help and getting the right help. And that ‘wanting’ means that the abuser finally comes to a place of recognizing and taking responsibility for the abuse.

The abuser may have refused to admit to their destructive behavior or that they need help. Their friends may egg them on, emboldening the abuser.

The abuser might dismiss the seriousness of their actions, belittling the victim for being “weak.”

Perhaps no one will intervene.

The abuser will not be contradicted in their positions. Until they can come to terms with the reality of what their partner has been suffering, reunion is unrealistic.

The victim does not carry the responsibility for the actions of their partner.

There is no excuse or supposed reason for abusing anyone at any time, under any circumstances.

Abuse Is NOT a Mistake. It Is a Choice.

The victim will have their own work to do in terms of becoming free of fear, implementing strong boundaries, handling the guilt they may feel at separating, recovering from the degrading shame they have experienced, and coping with all the consequences of the primary trauma or Double Abuse they have suffered, as well as the consequences of their decision to stay or go.

The abuser has deep, consistent, and profound work to do in recognizing their long-held toxic patriarchal or faulty belief systems. They need to become accountable for the abuse, learn how to treat a partner with equality and in mutually beneficial ways, make amends, repair damage proportional to the harm caused, and learn how to be emotionally present and responsible for their own internal life, mentally and psychologically, and its expression.

Without this work, any thought of reunion is fraught with potential danger.

We Know Many Victims Have Gone in Different Directions Concerning Reunion

For some, divorce becomes the inevitable result of separation—perhaps because the abuser is unwilling to do the work involved, or because they refuse to recognize the problems that exist as they continue the abuse.

Sometimes, the abuse has had such a significant toll on the victim that they are unable to trust their spouse or feel safe within the marriage even when the spouse shows signs of their transformation. The level of trauma the victim is experiencing or has experienced can make reconciliation untenable.

Some individuals, churches, and organizations place a higher value on the institution of marriage than they do the well-being of the people inside the marriage and encourage them to hold onto the marriage no matter how destructive it is. Yet, studies show that repeated trauma, as is caused by abuse, produces life-threatening emotional and physiological symptoms and places victims in an even higher probability of exacerbated trauma, quite possibly making divorce the only opportunity for a healthy life.

After the victim’s own rigorous and personal process of clarification, the severity of the traumatic symptoms may be deemed unmanageable, guiding the victim toward the realization that the best option is a decision to divorce.

So, Can Your Relationship Be Salvaged After Abuse?

You’ve seen here that yes, change is possible. However, having a realistic view of how difficult it can be is important as you seriously consider healing and repairing the relationship. The abuser usually is unaware of how different their worldview is compared to the one being harmed. Their faulty thinking and faulty beliefs are deeply embedded. To change requires hard work in multiple modalities - such as individual therapy, group therapy, reading books, listening to experts on YouTube and podcasts and so much more.

Change does not happen overnight. It takes significant time. Many experts state that a minimum of two years is required, but it may also take a decade. There will be many setbacks. So if you would like to help your relationship survive approach this topic with a realistic view and caution, as the continued harm caused by recurring abuse along the way will negatively impact your ability to heal. 

Professional help from therapists or counselors who specialize in this area can be of great assistance, and even necessary, to evaluate each situation on an individual basis.

Here are signs to look for indicating saving the relationship might be possible. 

Public Acknowledgment and Apology

If the victim desires, the abusive partner will need to publicly acknowledge their harmful behavior, and make transparent, verifiable changes to own and amend their conduct and make reparations commensurate to the harm caused. This may signify a genuine desire to want to change, but change is not a guaranteed outcome.

Abusers can change—but a true desire to change must be present—and they must do the therapeutic hard work with an expert in abuse who will challenge and unpack their faulty thinking and beliefs, which eventually may lead to real and lasting transformation.

Transparency in their efforts to seek professional help, attending therapy, and engaging in support groups can be vital signs for the relationship. It’s essential, however, that the one causing harm signs a release allowing their therapist to communicate with the victim to verify whether the abusive partner is speaking truthfully as well as if tangible change is occurring.

These changes must be sustained over a long time and not merely superficial or temporary to indicate real progress. It’s important to verify the abuser’s words and conduct.

Understanding and Identifying the Root Cause

Often, abusive behavior stems from deep-seated issues that need to be addressed.

If the abusive partner is actively working to understand and rectify the root cause of their thinking and behavioral patterns - such as their sense of entitlement, emotional immaturity, past trauma, addiction, or patriarchal beliefs - it can signal a sincere effort to change.

Moreover, if the one causing harm comes to deeply understand the underlying issues and is not resistant to being repeatedly challenged there is potential for rebuilding trust and empathy in the relationship.

A Genuine Desire + Mutual Commitment to Healing

For a relationship to survive after abuse, both partners will have a genuine desire to try to repair the relationship and both partners need to be committed to the healing process.

This assumes that both the victim and the abuser want to continue in the relationship. There should never be an expectation for the victim to stay if they do not want to. The victim is the one experiencing harm and harm causes trauma - which takes a toll on the mind and body. Trauma can have many devastating effects, including physical illnesses and taxed cognitive functioning. Most victims are exhausted from over-functioning in the relationship while the one causing harm has been under-functioning.

If the victim desires to test the waters to see if the abuser will change, they will remain committed to their personal health and growth regardless of the relationship outcome while the partner who has caused the harm stays committed to their personal health and growth. The victim will work to resolve their self-doubt and low self-worth while also addressing and healing the numerous aspects of trauma to give the relationship another chance if that is desired.

The one who has been harmed gets to decide whether they desire reconciliation and are open to it. And, if they are not open to it, the responsibility for the break in relationship does NOT fall on the victim’s shoulders.

If both desire to salvage the relationship, are open to therapy, and actively participate in the process, it may indicate a possibility to rebuild the relationship on healthier terms.

Rebuilding Trust through Consistent Behavior

Trust is shattered in an abusive relationship, and rebuilding it requires time, effort, and consistent behavior.

If the abusive partner demonstrates a consistent pattern of respectful and non-abusive behavior over time, it might be a sign that they are genuinely committed to change.

Actions must align with words and there should be no recurrence of abusive behavior..

Support from Friends, Family, and Professionals

Support from friends, family, and professionals is often crucial in the recovery process.

If both partners have a support system that encourages healing and growth, it may aid the relationship's restoration.

Professional guidance from therapists specializing in abuse can provide a safe and structured environment to navigate complex emotions and develop new, healthy patterns of interaction.

Ultimately, determining whether change is underway can be measured by identifying the 5 I’s below:

Initiative - Are they proactive in seeking out opportunities to learn, whether researching books, watching YouTube videos, or finding an expert therapist who specializes in abuse or narcissistic behavior?

Investment - Is the person carving out and spending significant time doing the hard work necessary to make change possible?

Involvement - Are they involved in their recovery? Do they show up, do the reading, listen to videos or podcasts, showing they are committed to the work?

Intensity - Does this person treat change with passion and really care about the recovery process or does their interest level fade?

Indefatiguability - Are they persistent in succeeding, tireless, and committed in a way that says nothing is more important than being healthy?

Conclusion

It's crucial to emphasize that these signs are not definitive proof that a relationship can or should be fixed after abuse.

Each situation is unique, and the decision should be made with careful consideration, support from professionals, and attention to the well-being of both partners.

Safety, respect, and emotional well-being must be prioritized, and it may be that the best course of action is to end the relationship, despite any positive signs.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Can You Fix a Relationship After Emotional Abuse?

It may be possible to mend a relationship after emotional abuse, but the path to healing is often intricate and challenging.

Both individuals must be willing to engage in deep introspection, seek professional assistance if necessary, and work diligently to rebuild trust and communication.

The specifics of each situation will vary, and not all relationships can or should be salvaged after emotional abuse. Expert intervention and a strong support network are often vital in determining the best way forward.

Can a Relationship (or Marriage) Survive Domestic Violence?

Can couples recover from domestic violence?

A relationship can survive domestic violence, but it typically requires extensive work from both partners, including therapy, communication, a genuine commitment to change from the abusive partner, and a strong support system.

However, it's essential to recognize that every situation is unique, and survival of the relationship may not always be the healthiest or safest outcome. Professional guidance is often crucial in determining the best course of action.

Can a Marriage Survive Abuse?

A marriage may survive abuse, though the process of recovery is typically multifaceted and strenuous.

Both spouses must be willing to invest in the relationship, possibly through counseling, honest communication, and a clear commitment to change, especially from the abusive partner.

The unique dynamics and severity of the abuse will heavily influence whether the marriage can or should continue.

In many cases, professional intervention and a support system may be essential to navigate this complex and delicate situation.

Can You Reconcile With an Abuser?

Reconciliation with an abuser is a complex and deeply personal decision that may be possible under specific circumstances but requires careful consideration and precaution.

It often involves the abuser's genuine commitment to change, demonstrated through actions, therapy, and ongoing support.

However, the individual dynamics, the nature of the abuse, and the emotional well-being of both parties play a critical role in determining whether reconciliation is advisable or even feasible.

Professional guidance, support from loved ones, and prioritizing personal safety and well-being are crucial elements in this sensitive process.