Belittling within an abusive relationship happens slowly over time. If it happened outright and upfront, the victim would be more likely to confront it and set a strong boundary against it. But when it’s subtle, the victim might shrug it off at first, then become unsure or confused, and, eventually, may even believe they deserve the belittlement.
In this blog post, you’re going to learn:
- What ‘belittling’ is
- Why it’s a form of covert emotional abuse
- How belittling can lead to Double Abuse for victims
- How to help victims of abuse by listening and providing a safe space
Let’s talk about it.
When does ‘Belittling’ Become ‘Abuse?’
Belittling is a form of covert abuse in which the abuser intentionally makes their target feel worthless, dismissed, or as if they mean nothing. It is a very destructive form of psychological abuse that leaves the victim feeling empty and void of personal meaning or identity.
In an abusive relationship, the one causing harm is regularly dismissing, ignoring, or downplaying the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The harm doesn’t happen only once, as if it’s a one-off incident the victim could dismiss. The key thing to understand here is that abuse happens as a pattern and is regularly repeated over time.
Look:
Abusive Belittling is the intentional act of making the victim’s perspective seem small or inconsequential, labeling what the victim values as unimportant, ultimately making the victim feel worthless, dismissed, and insecure. This doesn’t happen with one incident, but subtly over time with consistent belittling, it becomes a successful tactic of abusive control.
For example, the abuser may excessively criticize their partner to embarrass them, so they’ll feel shame and be less likely to speak up. Or, they’ll make them feel small and unseen by the abuser and others by dismissing the victim’s opinions or ideas.
When and if the victim responds by telling the abuser they are being overly critical or rude, the abuser will deflect and place the blame on the victim by telling them, “I’m not being critical, you’re being over-sensitive.”
"Hmm…that might be right. Maybe they aren’t being critical and I am being too sensitive."
But you’re not being too sensitive. It is about them and their need to devalue you so they can maintain power and control.
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When belittling occurs within our primary relationships, it is a form of emotional abuse and requires intentional effort to begin a healing process.
The Deeper Harm of Belittling Victims of Abuse
While belittling is a tactic used by an abuser to gain power or control, it is also a common form of Double Abuse® that a responder can knowingly or unknowingly engage in.
Note:
“Double Abuse” is a term The MEND Project created to define the harm caused when the person who is listening to the victim’s disclosure about the harm they have experienced in their relationship responds by dismissing, shunning, silencing, judging the victim, disbelieving them, belittling or perhaps wholly disregarding the victim’s story of abuse.
For example, the responder may say, “Don’t you think you’re overreacting? I’m sure they were just in a bad mood.” Or, “They’ve always been so encouraging, that doesn’t sound like something they would do”. What about, “Well, you had critical parents don’t you think you’re projecting on your spouse?” Perhaps they say, “All marriages have issues; you’ll be fine.” When the person they are responding to is in an abusive relationship, their reactions are Double Abuse and cause increased trauma and anxiety to the victim.
Learn more about Double Abuse here.
Properly Responding to Disclosures of Abuse
First and foremost, please know it’s okay to feel sad or uncomfortable about abuse.
It is so confusing and devastating to know that people you love or care about are going through so much pain in their relationships.
But don’t avoid responding well due to your discomfort with the topic, because responses coming out of this discomfort are sure to cause harm.
The first step in responding well to a victim who is disclosing their story of abuse is to simply listen with a closed mouth.
And if that’s all you do repeatedly, you are providing a much-needed safe place for a victim to process all they are experiencing.
Don’t feel like you MUST say something. Simply listen with a show of empathy.
If you would like to say something, you can say, “I am so sorry this happened.” These words communicate compassion and show that you believe them.
Allow them to share their whole story. Even if you would never have thought that their partner (a person you might even know) is capable of abuse, choose to believe it to be true and continue to listen.
It’s important to remember that you’re not being asked to investigate or resolve the issue. You’re only being asked to hear and love them through compassionate responses because they are hurting so deeply.
Educate, Share, and Help More
By becoming more knowledgeable about covert emotional abuse and healthy ways for responding, you can feel more comfortable responding to victims in your care.
The MEND Project has developed a tool called The Healing Model of Compassion, which walks you through simple-to-understand steps for responding to abuse (you can find it here.)
Finally, take a look at some of the resources we have to help you in your journey as you learn more about abuse and about healthy responses to those who have been harmed.