It is difficult to understand overt versus covert behaviors and how each plays out within relationships. Yet understanding is the key to overcoming.
Covert behaviors are incredibly confusing and especially difficult to discern. The person inside the relationship who is experiencing covert behaviors often has no idea what is happening or how to respond effectively.
Covert behaviors also fool those outside the relationship looking in. The confusion often causes those in the couple’s close community to react in ways that unintentionally uphold the abuse and abandon the victim.
In this article, we will unpack the confusion by defining covert and overt behaviors, providing examples of what they look like in relationships, and discussing how they impact those within the relationship and deceive those on the outside.
Let’s dive in.
DEFINING OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIOR
In simplest terms, overt means “apparent” or “visible.” Covert means “hidden” or “concealed.”
Covert Abuse
Covert abuse refers to subtle, confusing, and hidden tactics that could be masked as concern, hurt, or misunderstanding rather than readily seen as abusive.
Covert abusive behaviors are complicated for anyone to detect.
Overt Abuse
On the other hand, overt behavior is obvious and hard to miss.
In an intimate relationship, recognizing covert behaviors is incredibly difficult for the person who is being harmed because they are living in a separate reality from their partner’s reality. They want to believe their partner intends to be loving, not controlling or manipulative. This makes it nearly impossible for them to identify the destructive covert behaviors.
OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIORS CAN BE DAMAGING TO A RELATIONSHIP
To illustrate the impact of overt and covert behaviors, let’s look at a common scenario between parent and child. For several nights in a row, the child wakes up scared and crying because they had a nightmare. The parent then tells them, “It was just a dream,” and not to worry while the child remains terrified to go back to bed. Rather than provide comfort in their stress, the parent dismisses the experience altogether through their response.
The parent likely allowed their exhaustion to justify dismissing the child’s feelings rather than nurturing them. And while the parent wasn’t being abusive, the parent missed the opportunity to see, hear, and teach the child. The parent intended to help the child with their fear, not to harm them. Yet, overt behaviors, even when not abusive, can still cause harm. In this instance, through minimizing and dismissing the child in their need for comfort.
So, when do overt and covert behaviors become abusive?
EXAMPLES OF OVERT AND COVERT ABUSE BEHAVIORS
Let’s consider when someone says or does something they apologize for later. An apology usually means that the person saying “I’m sorry” is actually sorry for their behavior.
The covert thought behind an overt apology is remorse.
A partial apology, however, is a covert emotional abuse behavior tactic narcissists commonly use to manipulate a person’s actions or reactions. The covert thought behind the “apology” has nothing to do with remorse. Instead, the apology is being used to avoid true accountability and to deceive the victim into “letting it go,” taking the attention off of the abuser and their harmful behavior.
If you don’t recognize the covert emotionally abusive behavior, you are likely to be deceived by the overt act of the apology. The deception enables the person causing harm to manipulate their partner over again.
The best way to understand how overt and covert behaviors are used within abusive relationships is by learning about some common tactics covert abusers use. The following covert behavior examples are common in emotionally abusive relationships:
WEAPONIZED JOKING
Weaponized Joking is a harmful behavior where the abusive partner says mean things at the other person’s expense and uses blame-shifting to deflect. For example, they may say “Stop being so sensitive” or “It was just a joke!”
True intelligent humor is never at the expense of another person. An entertaining joke that everyone can enjoy requires more creativity than sarcasm and put-downs which are aimed at one individual.
Some families joke around and tease each other and put one another down pointing out our weakness and insecurities as if it was a sport. This type of harmful joking impacts children deeply. It creates shame and insecurity, teaching the child they need to perform well to receive love.
LYING
Lying is when someone consciously or unconsciously withholds or alters the truth with blatant disregard.
Many people lie without being covert abusers. The overt act of lying is harmful to everyone regardless of the reason for the lie. When a lie is used because it brings the liar a sense of satisfaction to deceive their partner and witness their confusion, it’s abusive.
In abusive relationships, lying is regularly used to avoid taking responsibility, having authentic connection, or resolving conflict.
WITHHOLDING
Withholding is one of the most damaging forms of covert emotional abuse. Withholding occurs when an individual tries to control or dominate another person by refusing to authentically communicate, offer compliments or praise, or show physical warmth or connection.
We see it most often when someone refuses loving physical touch, gives their partner the “silent treatment,” or refuses to celebrate their accomplishments.
The victim’s attempt at healthy confrontation usually results in some form of withholding. The abuser may refuse to speak with their partner for several days on end in response to an attempt at healthy confrontation by them. We have heard from some survivors that their spouses would leave them for several days on end without telling them where they were going or if they were safe.
Withholding is used as a form of punishment to the victim for confronting the abuser. It puts the onus on the victim to resolve the conflict, possibly by apologizing profusely when they did nothing wrong or begging the abuser to come home, talk to them, etc.
Withholding makes many victims feel desperate for connection and willing to do anything to restore it, especially to let go of the issue that caused the need for confrontation.
PUT-DOWNS
Another harmful tactic is Put-Downs. These happen when a person publicly punishes, verbally attacks, or criticizes the victim. They are a form of abusive control or power that causes shame and humiliation in the victim.
Regular put-downs deplete the victim’s sense of self-worth and esteem, leading to depression and isolation.
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GASLIGHTING
Gaslighting is another example. A narcissist will use gaslighting – for example, telling the victim their memory of an incident is wrong – to make the victim eventually believe they got it wrong and that the narcissist’s memory is correct when it is not. All the while, the abuser is enjoying the victim’s confusion and using it to gain support from onlookers who eventually side with the abuser. The intent is to make the victim feel like they are losing their mind and to convince others that they are unstable.
COVERT AND OVERT EMOTIONAL ABUSE BEHAVIORS FOOL THE OUTSIDERS LOOKING INTO THE RELATIONSHIP
It’s almost impossible for those outside of the relationship to identify covert behavior because the person’s overt actions are often believed to be what they seem – for example, the apology is seen as an apology because the covert motive behind it is unknown.
It becomes even more complicated for outsiders or responders to recognize covert abuse because the covert narcissist acts so differently in the public eye, often showing him or herself as a nice man or woman. So, friends and families find it hard to believe the person would have nefarious covert intentions to harm their significant other.
As a result, outsiders, even those closest to the one who is being harmed, often fail to understand the victim’s concern, possibly even believing the victim is being dramatic or overly demanding. They ultimately dismiss the issue and miss the opportunity to help someone in an abusive relationship.
Overt behaviors, on the other hand, are apparent even to strangers.
Overt emotional abuse includes obvious behaviors such as name-calling, screaming and cussing at, or degrading your mate, and physical violence. You don’t need to be a close friend of the abuser to recognize the behavior as harmful.
THE BENEFITS OF RECOGNIZING AND DEALING WITH COVERT BEHAVIOR
Because it is so hard to recognize with confidence, covert abuse is hard to stop. The tactics are designed to create self-doubt, extreme confusion, stress, and feelings of isolation in the victim.
Having to respond to repeated covert behaviors being employed against them within an intimate relationship puts the victim in a state of prolonged stressful confusion, impacting their ability to think clearly and to respond constructively to the abuse.
However, once a victim learns the correct language and can name the tactics they face, they can respond more constructively. The clarity knowledge brings diminishes the level of confusion and stress the victim experiences.
CLARITY
Clarity is the first essential step to healing. It allows the person who has been harmed to separate themself from the covert behavior and recognize it’s not their fault. It enables them to place responsibility for the harm on the abuser.
Through clarifying terms and definitions, all those impacted by abuse can name and identify the nature of the source of their stress, confusion, and traumatic symptoms. This is a key step towards being able to deal with overt and covert behaviors.
HOW TO DEAL WITH OVERT AND COVERT BEHAVIORS
Gaining clarity empowers victims for the first time. They learn how to call out those behaviors specifically as well as begin to manage them by setting firm boundaries, adopting self-care strategies, or even choosing to leave the relationship temporarily or permanently in a safe and effective manner.
Once a victim is ready, the first step is to set a boundary against harmful covert and overt behaviors. Taking this step may take time, and we recommend working with a domestic violence advocate, agency, or highly-skilled therapist to help the victim to rebuild their self-esteem and gain strength in using their voice to place firm boundaries - and to do so safely.
GETTING HELP
It’s important to have strong support, professional or otherwise, to identify the safest ways to respond to the abuse.
The abuse may escalate when the abuser is confronted, or when the victim sets boundaries. More obvious forms of emotional abuse, such as forced isolation, financial control, jealousy, and other methods of overt control, are more likely to lead to physical violence and extreme violence, particularly when the victim chooses to set boundaries or leave. We strongly encourage seeking the guidance and support of someone who is well-trained in dealing with abuse regarding the safest way to confront the abuse or exit the relationship.
And it’s important to keep in mind that when firm boundaries are set, it doesn’t mean the abuser will take responsibility and change. Most often, someone who is entrenched in faulty thinking will be unwilling to make a change or admit they need help. Statistically speaking, most abusers are unwilling to do the hard work transformation requires.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Victims of these types of behaviors work much harder to have fulfilling and authentic conversations. Often, their efforts only lead to dead ends, and can backfire and be used against them through the various defensive tactics that abusers habitually employ.
Acts that demonstrate mutual love and respect toward each other, acknowledging and valuing each other, and maintaining a heart for healthy connection make all the difference. And you are worthy of this type of relationship!
Where can I find the clarifying terms or the list that was talked about in the interview with Natalie Hoffman that will help me see what he is doing and call it out?
Hi Carrie – take a look at the free tools and resources page on our website. There are free downloadable PDFs you can take a look at. If you need more, reach out to us at email at info@themendproject.com!! 🙂 I believe Natalie also has those downloads linked from the podcast episode notes.
Further insight. When my children were very young. Both out of diapers and car seats, we were all in the car.
My husband had to stop the car as a pregnant woman was crossing the crosswalk. My husband said, “ if I hit her, does that mean I will get a two for one? “ and then laughed about it. The hurt I felt was horrible. One, certainly who thinks like this? If so, even says such a thing. And all the same ti e emotionally am thinking, this is not only his view of women but his view of me.
Further insight. When my children were very young. Both out of diapers and car seats, we were all in the car.
My husband had to stop the car as a pregnant woman was crossing the crosswalk. My husband said, “ if I hit her, does that mean I will get a two for one? “ and then laughed about it. The hurt I felt was horrible. One, certainly who thinks like this? If so, even says such a thing. And all the same time emotionally am thinking, this is not only his view of women but his view of me. When I told this to my therapist , her response was, he certainly has an unusual sense of humor. That was it. That’s all the support I received from her.More recently, while out to lunch with my husband I had reached over and had given him a kiss. He immediately in front of me, wiped my kiss from his lips.
I said this had hurt me. He looked at me and said, “ that’s why he did it,” he kn ew it would get to me”. And then started laughing.
Then afterwards while in the car, tried repeatedly to tell me how much he loved me and it was ,”just him”.
I’m so besides myself.
What you are describing reveals deep seated faulty beliefs about gender discrimination. You are “besides yourself” because you are in a relationship that is very unsafe emotionally. Ask yourself,”Is this the life I want for myself and the role model I want for my children?” At the very least, I recommend that you begin the process of emotionally detaching from your spouse. Please take good care of yourself and your children. Warmly, Annette
My best friend and responder who I had reached out to in the past, and had thought I was in a safe emtional space with her , had been contacted by my spouse. The text essentially read, me was off the wall. And he just wanted to let her know about it. The response she from my friend was via text ba k to my husband was, she knows how to reach me.
I found this out many months after I had co tact with her. When I next had co tact with her after I found out and she did t say. Word to me about it, said she was trying to maintain a back room li k to my husband about me.
I was so devastated by my best friends response so broke my heart. She essentially lied to me. By ommiision.
Got to get off this site . My husband will see me typing .
Hi there. I’m so sorry you were betrayed by your best friend. I’m concerned for you. You should be able to type whatever you want in your own home. Please take our virtual self-paced course which you can find on our resource page of the website. It will bring you much needed clarity, education and an attainable path to healing whether or not you decide to stay or leave. Take real good care of yourself and love yourself well. Hugs, Annette Oltmans