Discerning through the experiences and stories of two people can be tricky and confusing. This lack of clarity is especially true when abuse is involved. From the outside, the behaviors of both people may seem to be unhealthy. This is especially true with relationships that have a long history of abuse. These cases can often appear as if there are two victims and two abusers. As someone trying to help the couple, it is hard to figure out what is up and what is down. There can be a temptation to throw your hands up and direct them to couple’s therapy. This blog is for you. Understanding the effect longstanding abuse has on a victim will help you recognize their body’s natural response to the harm they are experiencing. This recognition of the seemingly erratic responses as natural allows you to discern who is the victim.
There is only one victim and one abuser in most cases. This is true even when the victim reacts to the abuser in an abusive manner. The victim’s response is known as “reactive abuse”. This is a victim’s reaction to the overwhelming injustice the abuser is doing. Reactive Abuse does not put the victim on an equal par with the abuser or transform them from victim to abuser. “Why doesn’t it?” you might ask. The answer requires us to go into the mindset of the person harming and the brain’s response of the one who has been injured.
Victims of domestic violence do not bring violence upon themselves, nor are they abusive like their partner is. Abusers, or those who cause harm, have entrenched faulty beliefs and feelings of entitlement rooted deep within. These assumptions encourage them to use manipulative and defensive tactics so they can maintain power and control. These tactics can be overt, such as through physical, sexual, or overt emotional abuse such as name-calling, raging, and yelling. Or, they can be covert through gaslighting, minimization, or any other hidden manipulative behavior. Whether overt or covert, any abusive act is a form of violence. The reverse, however, is not automatically true because violence does not necessarily equal abuse.
Victims may present as over-emotional, unstable, or angry and may have reacted violently to the abuse they experienced by what appears to be “abuse” of their partner. Yet, when victims fight back, it is usually to stop a dangerous situation. The actions often do not come from an abusive mindset to power over and control their partner. Their response could be an involuntary reaction caused by the cumulative trauma they have been experiencing over time. Either way, it comes from a place of extreme frustration or self-defense. Reactive Abuse happens when a victim lashes out towards their abuser in response to the abuser’s toxic behavior, which aims to manipulate and control or erase the victim’s personhood. When the victim feels overwhelmed with distress, fear, and powerlessness, their natural defense may be to scream, yell insults, or even physically lash out at their abuser to cut off the abuser’s attack.
When the victim senses danger, the brain releases a stress hormone that helps the body respond in defense against the threat and protect the person. This is known as a “stress response” or what is more commonly called “a fight or flight response.” In other words, the victim’s natural response is for their body to prepare to flee or fight back, especially when there is the belief that there is a threat to their safety or freedom. Fleeing is just that – the victim runs from the situation (walks out, shuts down, turns away). But fighting back can happen in the form of screaming, name-calling, or striking the attacker (or abuser). In either case, the brain is directing the action, and when an individual is in a trauma state, they cannot always ignore the directive.
A victim of ongoing abuse endures trauma that causes severe emotional harm, which also causes the body’s immune system to shut down, leading to physiological illness. For those responding to victims, it’s necessary they educate themselves and be aware of the relationship between abuse and trauma. (See resources below.) Over time, the ongoing trauma of recurring abuse fosters conditioned responses within the victim based on several variables, like basic temperament, upbringing (nurture or neglect), age, gender, and life history. An experience is intolerable when it becomes too much for the mind and body to organize and integrate. This lack of harmony in mind and body is due to the victim’s fragmented and disordered thinking caused by extended exposure to trauma.
The victim’s mind and body are overwhelmed due to their lack of control over the abuse and trauma—causing PTSD among many victims. PTSD presents itself in myriad ways ranging from yelling, anger, frustration, fear, paranoia, or other emotions. Victims with PTSD commonly display signs of hypervigilance. Hypervigilance comes from enhanced sensory sensitivity, increased anxiety, and the accompanying responses to trauma. Many experts consider emotional abuse to be even more damaging than non-lethal physical abuse. Covert emotional abuse causes victims to languish in prolonged states of stressful confusion or trauma states.
In contrast, overt forms of abuse are more obvious and are usually easier to identify as abuse or understand the behavior to be wrong. When abuse is covert, however, the victim doesn’t always recognize it as domestic violence and doesn’t make the connection between their trauma symptoms and the covert abuse. The longer this confusion continues, the more compromised the victim becomes. Fragmented thinking increases, they involuntarily shake, and they often develop PTSD and exhaustion. In some cases their endocrine and immune systems become compromised, resulting in physical ailments. Each symptom primes the victim to become more reactive.
While the reactive responses provide protection, they are prohibitive of healing and can be dangerous to the victim, as the abuser can use their outbursts against them. Often, after a victim reacts in a lashing-out manner, the victim also becomes confused and concerned by their actions, even to the point they may wonder if they are the abusive one. The confusion comes for the victim when they see themselves acting contrary to their true character. An abuser relies on this because it makes the victim appear at fault, unstable, delusional, and even mentally ill. The abuser then plays the victim and places all the responsibility for the conflict on the actual victim.
Where hidden forms of abuse that cause a victim to feel “crazy” are present, the way the victim presents themselves makes it more likely for others to believe the victim is the one who is out of sorts and guilty. When reactive abuse is a common response to the original abuse, the abuser is given the advantage and shifts the blame onto the victim, keeping the victim further oppressed, confused, and isolated. In other words, the victim’s natural response to the violence enables the abuser to increase their power and control over the victim. In time, they can manipulate the situation by provoking a victim who has a fight response to react in a way that might seem abusive.
Reactive abuse takes a toll on the victim mentally, emotionally, and physically. They feel bad about their behavior because it isn’t normal for them, and they aren’t abusive. Victims don’t hurt people. They are often empathic people. But when pushed to the point of being extremely overwhelmed, their body directs them to have reactions that may seem extreme.
So how do you know who in the couple before you is the abuser and the victim? How can you tell the difference when both are acting in a violent (or abusive) manner? First, it’s important to understand some of the signs of trauma which you will likely recognize in the victim. As noted, trauma can cause physical symptoms such as shaking, trembling, and extreme fluctuations in blood pressure or blood sugar and insulin levels, which may cause the victim to feel faint or pass out. Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation, vacillating between strong emotional outbursts, crying, anger, frustration, confusion, or complete disconnection between any emotion. In contrast, the abuser shows a high level of skill when controlling their emotions, words, and physical stature, making them appear calm compared to the victim’s frantic or confused state.
Further, attitudes of self-blame, over-apologizing, desperate efforts to do anything to help the relationship are common for victims to display. These actions can be another traumatic response called “appeasing” or “accommodation.” But when you can get the victim to think back to the very beginning of the story to describe what was happening for them before they lashed out at their partner, you will begin to see the behaviors that triggered their reaction. What’s most important is not making any assumptions without listening more and getting a clearer picture of the events that preceded the reactive abusive behavior. In time, the roles each person is playing will become clear.
A common question we hear when discussing reactive abuse is what makes the victim stay with their partner once it’s reached this point. According to Break the Silence, an international voice on domestic violence, it takes an average of 50 incidents of abuse before a victim seeks help. 50!
To a responder of abuse, that may be incomprehensible. It may cause the responder to blame the victim, question the victim, or even going as far as to not help. And, to compound that, when a victim reacts in a manner that appears equally or even more abusive, a first responder may be tempted to think they are both abusing each other. A responder needs to remember that there is a cycle of power and control happening that is doing a number on the victim no matter how it looks. Responders need to glean what is going on for the victim that makes them stay. Therefore, it is important to understand the cycle of abuse. M3ND Founder Annette Oltmans recently discussed the phases within the cycle of abuse during our July training intensive, which you can check out in the resources below.
Remember, as a first responder, your role is critically important. Understanding the complicated dynamics of abuse, who is the victim, and who is the abuser will help you avoid causing further harm through your responses. The first interaction a victim has with a responder can empower them to set firm boundaries or leave the abusive relationship, or it can make matters worse. When a trusted individual responds poorly, or perhaps with good intention, but incorrectly, they cause additional harm and risk exacerbating the victim’s trauma. This is “double abuse”. Sadly, many victims have interactions with first responders that lead them to not trust someone to help them. Or worse, to be afraid a responder will cause further harm. In reality, these are the people whose job is to protect them. First responders are often the first call for help and maybe the last depending on how the interaction goes.
If you or someone you know is in a position to walk alongside someone impacted by abuse, we encourage you to take advantage of the training opportunities The M3ND Project provides. Join our upcoming Responding to Abuse training cohort of our comprehensive virtual curriculum. This seven-week online course includes a written curriculum, video recordings, a support network of like-minded individuals addressing the issue of abuse, and one-hour weekly live sessions with our founder Annette Oltmans. During this time, you will get tools and first-hand knowledge of how to equip and restore all those impacted by abuse. Registration closes on August 29, 2021, and we’d love to see you there. The link is in the resources section below. Sign up today!
Resources
Watch out our latest webinar on Vicarious Trauma ~ https://themendcourse.com/webinar/
Register for our upcoming 7-week curriculum cohort ~ https://themendcourse.com/
Thank you for your article on reactive abuse! I’ve been struggling with guilt, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault.
We are so glad it helped you. Too many victims wonder if they are equally at fault or abusive. Once the clarity comes from understanding the dynamic behind their reactions, really defensive reactions (not abuse), they are able to release the guilt and move forward toward their complete healing. Bless you in your journey.
I was feeling the same and I had a “friend” tell me I had been verbally and physically abusive to him and that he didn’t cause it. That my reaction was on me. This made me go deeper into the guilt and once again questioning whether or not I deserved the sexual abuse, the indifference, the lack of compassion. I was wondering if the gaslighting was actually gaslighting or just me being too dramatic like he would say.
Yes, that’s what we call “Double Abuse.” While technically not “abuse” the response exacerbates a victim’s trauma-related symptoms. I am so sorry this happened to you. We have some blogs on self forgiveness that are aimed towards doing practices that will release you from the shame, guilt or issues others put on you even though your responses were reasonable in light of the circumstances. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com if you would like more of a dialogue. In the meantime, we hope you continue to find light and healing through your journey.
Thank you for this article. You have made me feel like someone understands. My husband recently had me arrested. I feel like I am going crazy and that everyone thinks that, too. It is so out of character for me. I am scared and feel broken. Since I am currently out on bond, I am not supposed to interact with him. I fear that if I go no contact, he will retaliate and I will face more consequences.
Gosh I am so sorry that you have gone through any of this. It is SO tragic. Grateful that you found validation and that you were “heard” and “seen” through this blog. We actually don’t even like the phrase reactive “abuse” because it implies that the victim’s response is abusive instead of being defensive as it usually is. I hope you are getting the healing you need and strength through any support services of therapy, with someone skilled in handling abuse. Blessings to you.
The information given on this site has opened my eyes & mind to what I have been going thru. I actually have had one of my children tell me both my husband & I were abusers within our relationship of 50 years. Mental health issues very similar to early dementia for my husband, along with serious physical disabilities of mine have complicated everything. I was feeling appalled that I may too be an abuser. My actions were regular verbal criticisms of his behaviors, but this was evolved over time after being shocked by his cruel verbal & emotional abuse. He hid his worst of course, so when I would criticize him, it sounded mean. Now that I understand, I have a new outlook of my own behavior. & a better ability to set healthier boundaries. Thank you for putting this educational information available for those who truly needed it & benefit from it.
Wow, Annette, we are so grateful you found our site and that it provided the clarity you needed to move ahead in health and wellness. We are sorry for what you experienced and also sorry for your husband’s increasing dementia. We hope for healing in your relationship with your children and that their eyes would be opened up to better understand what you were navigating within relationship. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com if we can support you further. Otherwise, keep reading the blogs – there’s a lot in there!! Warmly, Stephanie, M3ND Ex. Dirc.
ANNETTE CONRAD – I’m so glad you commented. What you wrote is almost exactly what has happened to me..
Mental Health husband,, physical heath for me.
My husband ramped up his verbal abuse – 18 months i put up with it.. I reached my limited and Reacted. I call it “taking off my kick me sign”.. He ordered me to get rid of a set ofI dishes. I got rid of them by dropping them on the floor.
The other difference is my daughters blamed only me because he was telling them lies behind my back. And his abuse before I got ill was few and far apart. When she walked in the door, she grabbed me by both arms, and shoved me against a wall.
Then she had my other daughter call the police on me for domestic violence.
Thanks to you and the writer of this article, I feel more like a human being again.
Also to the first responder policeman who saw thru the lies and threw my daughter out of the house for a day.
No thanks to the 2nd one I had come to the house a few days later. He advised me I could not refuse to let my daughter come back to the house (she lived here, but my husband had sent her out of state to her sisters house for a month after she was thrown out so he had time to get her an apartment – She was 45 at the time)
Thanks for your feedback Cort. And for affirming Annette. I’m sorry for what you have been through. It’s amazing how well you managed to set good, strong boundaries and stay firm. We are proud of you and so grateful this article helped validate your experience and help you to feel sane!
*i apologize for the swear words im a retired army vet cut me some slack xD* 50 TIMES 50?!?! so do I get a special award for dealing with it FOR A DECADE?! you are 100% correct in that the victim is usually very empathetic… My Godmother told me when i was just a young child “You have a big heart mijo but don’t be so naive to think people won’t notice and take advantage of you” OH how right she was. I can not tell you how many times i have been burned for money burned for time or just any resource i can offer… it was not tell my COVERT NARC wife that the message my god mother gave me started to come to fruition…Honestly once you know what you’re dealing with and you see behind your spouse’s mask and get a look at their TRUE SELF, it can not be unseen… My wife had painted the PERFECT image of herself to all my friends, family, co-workers… so much to the point even my own father believed i was the one abusing her… or better yet my workout partner who literally interacted with her almost on a daily basis and she did not have the slightest clue… she would actually say to me BRO YOUR SO LUCKY your WIFE IS AMAZING MAN KEEPER FOR SURE! the whole time i’m thinking to myself oh well shit maybe my wife is right and i am just being too sensitive or over emotional… i was so convinced that I WAS THE PROBLEM NO MATTER what the issue I WOULD EVEN JUMP UP TO ACCEPT THE BLAME even if i HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! like holy red flags batman SEND HELP! even now in the middle of our divorce I STILL MISS HER AND STILL LOVE HER AND STILL WANT TO FIX HER AND OUR RELATIONSHIP! despite the fact I KNOW she is incapable of ever accepting ANY fault or even acknowledge that her behavior is TOXIC AF… i asked her today while she was visiting our sons… i said what is it about me that just makes you want to talk to me with disdain and look at me with contempt? what is it about me that makes it to where you are just incapable of being polite to me and treating me with the same respect i give you? INSTANTLY she SHUTS DOWN “this is why i dont even want to come around you or talk to you i dont have time for this” literally started standing up as if she was going to leave while i just served her a home cook meal… i said why do you do that? she said DO WHAT! i said that acting all defensive as if im attacking you when i simply asked you a question? you realize that is actually TOXIC AF right? and it makes you look really ugly and that is why once you divorce me every relationship after me will fail and it will be your fault… and i got up left the table and said see your self out when your done eating… i just cant even comprehend because i would NEVER treat someone this way even my enemy I would treat better then my wife treats me… the most disgusting part of it all being the male? NO ONE BELIEVES ME NO ONE so the moment i react to her abuse she says “DOES EVERYONE SEE THAT? THAT TEMPER? im walking on eggshells all day long around him” and i just give up like i think most men do and sit in shame and silence…
We are so sorry for all the abuse and double abuse you have experienced. We hope you are getting the support you need to heal. It is very hard, but you can overcome it in time. It is mind boggling to grasp what we have gone through. We respect your process. When you are ready, perhaps you’ll share your story on our website. Or, you can email it to me, stephanie@themendproject.com. It would help other survivors, especially men, who need to hear other men’s stories. Bless you in your journey of healing. – Stephanie