Discerning the experiences and stories of two people can be tricky and confusing. This is especially true when a long history of abuse is involved and the victim’s internal defense mechanisms are triggered by recurring abusive attacks. Both people act in ways that could be considered violent and abusive to an outsider.
This may make it appear as if there are two victims and two abusers when there is only one. Aren’t we promoting a double standard when we refuse to call the victim an abuser when they lash out violently toward their abuser? No.
A violent or aggressive response to an abusive partner is called reactive abuse. The victim’s reaction does not turn them into an abuser. So, what is really going on? In this article, you will learn how to define reactive abuse, what causes the abused person to react violently, the difference between the abuser’s mindset and their victim’s, and how to discern who’s the abuser.
Let’s get started.
What is Reactive Abuse?
When a victim has been in an abusive relationship for a while, they begin to defend themselves against emotionally violent attacks. The term reactive abuse refers to a victim’s defensive response to narcissistic abuse behaviors they have been experiencing over time. In fact, although it is called reactive abuse, MEND prefers the term reactive defense because a victim is not an abuser.
Reactive abuse occurs when the victim becomes the aggressor against the abuser, such as by pushing, punching, kicking, hair pulling, raging, or angry outbursts of aggressive verbal attacks. Reactive abuse is self-defense, not abuse.
This happens when the victim, who has been dealing with abusive behavior over a sustained period of time, reaches an internal breaking point. The prolonged physical or emotional abuse they have endured makes them lash out defensively in a hostile manner.
A victim who reacts abusively is usually acting out of character, leaving them confused and surprised by their response. Even though it comes out of the body’s natural defense mechanism, which is designed to protect them from violence, reactive abuse almost always harms the victim more than the abuser.
Even in healthy relationships, there are times we respond in ways that are uncharacteristic of our true selves. Why isn’t reactive abuse really abuse?
Let’s take a look.
How Does Reactive Abuse work?
Reactive abuse is a victim’s way of self-defense against the overwhelming injustice their abuser is doing to them. Their defensive reaction does not put the victim on an equal par with the abuser or transform them from victim to abuser.
“Why doesn’t it?”, you might ask. To answer this, let’s look into the mindset of an abuser.
The Abusive Mindset
Victims of domestic violence do not bring violence upon themselves, nor are they abusive like their partner is. Abusers, or those who cause harm, have entrenched faulty beliefs and feelings of entitlement rooted deep within. These feelings encourage them to use manipulative and defensive tactics so they can maintain power and control.
The abusive behavior can be overt, such as through physical violence, sexual, or overt psychological abuse. Or, it can be covert through gaslighting, minimization, or any other hidden manipulative behavior. Whether overt or covert, any abusive act is a form of violence.
The reverse, however, is not automatically true because violence does not necessarily equal abuse. When victims fight back, it is usually to stop a dangerous situation. The actions do not come from an abusive mindset to power over and control their partner. Reactive Abuse doesn’t equal mutual abuse. Understanding this requires us to take a look at what causes the victim to respond this way.
The Involuntary Reaction
The victim’s response is an involuntary reaction caused by the cumulative trauma they have been experiencing over time and comes from a place of extreme frustration or self-defense. Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or sexual, it causes deep fear and stress and puts the victim on high alert.
When the victim senses danger, the brain releases a stress hormone that helps the body defend and protect itself from the threat. This is known as a “stress response” or what is more commonly called “a fight, freeze, or flight response.” In other words, the victim’s natural response is for their body to prepare to freeze, flee or fight back, especially when they perceive a threat to their safety or freedom.
The response happens almost automatically, without thinking about it in advance. It usually surprises the victim more than the abuser.
Examples of Reactive Abuse
When the victim feels overwhelmed with distress, fear, and powerlessness, their natural defense may be to scream, yell insults, or even physically lash out at their abuser to cut off the abuser’s attack. A person who does not normally, curse, hit, or rage may find themselves doing these things in response to their partner’s abusive and controlling aggression.
For example, a child who is abused by their parent feels defenseless against their attack. They might react by destroying furniture in the house, ruining that parent’s favorite shirt, cursing at their parents, calling them names, or telling them they hate them. Although the child is defending themself in the most powerful way they can, the abuser will likely blame and punish them. Outsiders will assume the parent is doing all they can to help an “unruly” or “problem” child. On the inside, the child often feels guilt for acting in a way that is uncharacteristic of him or her. Or the adult punitively shames them for their understandable reaction.
Perhaps a woman reacts to years of her husband’s abuse by hitting him with a skillet. Or, she screams at him, calls him names, or slaps him. When the police respond to the domestic violence call, her abuser will be calm and sadly tell them she assaulted him. She will admit she hit him, apologize, and try to explain. Inside, she doesn’t know how to explain because she probably doesn’t understand why she reacted that way. The police may see her as the abuser, or one of two abusers. Rather than getting the help she needs, she will take all of the blame for reacting to months or years of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse.
Even in self-defense, reactive abuse behaviors can be violent. It can be difficult even for skilled responders, which is addressed below in the Confusion for Responders section. Sometimes, the reactions are so violent it leaves us wondering if reactive abuse is justified or should be on an equal par with the original abuse.
Is Reactive Abuse Justified?
As you can see, reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting itself instinctively from a traumatic encounter. The one being harmed has little to no control over their response in the beginning. The reaction is justified and sometimes necessary to protect the victim.
Here’s why:
The brain responds to threats by commanding a flight, fight, or freeze response. Fleeing is when the victim runs from the situation (walks out, shuts down, turns away). Fleeing is one form of self-defense aimed at protecting the person from their abuser. Fleeing, just like fighting and freezing feels like a natural response to them – they flee without even thinking about it. The brain chemistry which causes them to flee isn’t significantly different than when they fight. Because fleeing isn’t an aggressive act toward the abuser, whether it’s justified isn’t a question we ask.
However, when a victim fights back in self-defense, the questions (and problems for the victim) begin. With either fleeing or fighting, the brain directs the action. The traumatized individual often is unable to ignore the brain’s directive. The response is automatic.
Determining whether reactive abuse is justified isn’t really an appropriate question to ask. If it is reactive abuse, it’s done in response to abuse and is justified. The traumatized victim is defending themself from a continuous stream of abusive behaviors which have happened over time. One cannot compare the victim’s reaction to a single abusive incident.
The Danger of Reactive Abuse
Even though reactive abuse is the body’s way to protect the victim from the abuser’s violent behavior, it usually does not protect the victim as much as it helps the abuser.
The Advantage to the Abuser
Abusers rely on the victim to react aggressively at some point, giving the abuser the upper hand. They are often relentless in their efforts to push the victim to the breaking point, hoping they will react uncontrollably. When they do, the abuser then uses the victim’s reaction to shift the blame onto them and gain the advantage.
Abusers rely on the victim’s reactive outbursts to protect abuser’s image and shift blame to the victim.
When a victim reacts aggressively, the abuser uses the reaction as proof the victim is unstable or to shift blame for the abuse in the relationship on the victim. Those with narcissistic personality disorder thrive when they garner sympathy from friends and family members, including those closest to the victim. Narcissists are highly focused on their public image and they are most powerful when they garner positive attention.
Meanwhile, the victim loses whatever safe community they had and moves closer toward complete isolation. Public shaming effectively labels the victim “unstable”. Over time, once friends and family question the victim’s mental well-being, they side with the abuser. This makes it nearly impossible for the victim to feel safe asking friends or family for the help they desperately need and deserve.
If the victim decides to leave the relationship, the abuser will use the reactive abuse incidents against them to continue their control. In child custody court battles, for example, the abuser may highlight the reactive abuse to make the judge question the victim’s stability as a parent or blame the victim for being the abusive one. Or to defend against the victim’s valid claims of domestic violence, possibly defeating requests for protective orders.
Some states nullify the responsibility to pay spousal support if they can document abuse by their partner. Abusers use this loophole to frame the victim. Having turned their community against them, their friends and family might end up testifying on the abuser’s behalf. The fear of these types of outcomes successfully prevents the victim from seeking community help.
The Effect on the Victim
Of course, the same things that are advantageous to the abuser are the most damaging to the victim. These things can make the victim feel they need to remain in the relationship because they don’t believe they’ll get the support they need if they leave. All the while, the abuser is never held accountable.
Also, most victims are very confused to see themselves reacting abusively with their partners. The hitting, raging, or other toxic reactions are uncharacteristic of how the victim would normally react when dealing with toxic situations. Witnessing their own aggressive response (which comes without forethought) is surprising and concerning to them.
They try to stop reacting aggressively, but may not know how to shift their involuntary traumatic responses. The abuser compounds their guilt by calling the victim abusive or unstable. Or, they feign concern for their emotional well-being, making the victim believe they are not well, They might even offer to pay for the victim to seek professional help. This increases the victim’s sense of self-doubt, makes them question their own sanity, and increases their sense of dependence on their partner while also establishing a therapeutic record of their tendency to react aggressively.
What victims often don’t realize is they likely have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or complex PTSD, which presents in myriad ways from anger, frustration, fear, paranoia, and other emotions and explains their uncharacteristic response to their partner.
Often, with covert emotional abuse, the victim does not realize they are being abused, which results in significant stress and confusion about their circumstances. High stress and confusion over an extended period of time will likely cause PTSD making it nearly impossible to recognize a connection between their trauma symptoms, covert abuse, and their reactive actions. The longer high stress and confusion continue, the more stress hormones and the more compromised the victim becomes. Fragmented thinking increases, they involuntarily shake and are overwhelmed with exhaustion. In many cases their endocrine and immune systems become compromised, resulting in physical illnesses.
Each symptom primes the victim to become more compromised and reactive in ways that are not normal for them. Initially, they are unable to control how they react, and it’s nearly impossible for them to understand why they responded so aggressively. Many feel significant shame and guilt long after they have left the abusive relationship.
The Confusion for Responders
A common issue with reactive abuse is that responders mistakenly believe both people in the relationship are abusive or that the victim is the real abuser. This happens because reactive abuse often includes the same types of destructive behaviors the primary abuser uses and responders do not know how to recognize the signs of trauma in the victim, which tell a more accurate story
They also fail to understand an abuser’s faulty worldview and pattern of behavior or why victims react aggressively.
As soon as they see the violent nature of the victim’s response, it’s proof that the victim is the person to blame. Many abuse experts consider the idea of mutual abuse to be a myth. Simply put, there are rarely two abusers in an abusive intimate relationship. There is a pattern of power and control that makes “mutual abuse” virtually impossible in true situations of domestic violence and also does not exist when so-called abuse is reactive.
People may engage in situational violence, which is not intimate partner violence. But situational violence lacks the power imbalance existing in relationship abuse. There is nothing mutual about a victim’s defensive reactions to their abuser’s harmful behaviors.
Where hidden forms of abuse that cause a victim to feel “crazy” are present, the way the victim presents themself makes it more likely for others to believe the victim is the one who is out of sorts and guilty. Responders make the mistake of blaming the victim instead of helping them.
Instead, responders need to educate themselves about the dynamics of abuse and become aware of the relationship between abuse and trauma. If they don’t, they risk causing further harm to the victim through their uninformed responses.
How Can You Know When Violence is Reactive or Abusive?
So how do you know who in the couple before you is the abuser and the victim? How can you tell the difference when both are acting in a violent manner?
To answer these questions, it’s important to understand some of the signs of trauma. Trauma from abuse causes physical symptoms such as shaking, trembling, and extreme fluctuations in blood pressure or blood sugar and insulin levels, which may cause the victim to feel faint or pass out.
Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation, vacillating between strong emotional outbursts, crying, anger, frustration, confusion, or complete disconnection between any emotion. In contrast, the abuser shows a high level of skill when controlling their emotions, words, and physical stature, making them appear cool and calm compared to the victim’s frantic or confused state. Victims are also much more agreeable to accepting responsibility for their mistakes. The abuser, on the other hand, will say and do just about anything to avoid accountability and responsibility for their actions. The victim will be so traumatized by the false accusations and presence of law enforcement that they will likely be incapable of articulating an explanation to counter them.
As a responder (therapist, pastor, officer, social worker, etc), it’s key for you to ask about the history of behavior in the relationship. But keep in mind that the victim is confused and traumatized so you may not receive the answers you expect when the victim responds. Also, remember to separate the people in the relationship so the victim responds to your questions authentically. It’s wholly ineffective and damaging when responders require the abused person to answer questions in front of their abuser. You don’t need to know who the abuser is, separate the two.
This includes parents and children. Far too often, children are asked, while in the presence of their abusive parent or family member, if they feel safe without taking into consideration whether fear is making it impossible for them to answer honestly. Simply put, there’s no shot you’re getting to the truth if you keep them together.
Remember, mutual abuse is rarely, if ever, real. Please do not throw your arms up in frustration and walk away from the couple, pretending they are both abusers. If you watch and listen closely, in time you will begin to see clearly which person is responsible for the chaos.
What to do if You’re the Victim Lashing Out
Many victims who react abusively to their abuser’s actions wonder if they are the real abuser and experience considerable guilt about how they responded. How can you know for sure that you are not an abuser? That you’re wondering at all, is an excellent sign you are not.
When you find yourself confused by your reactive outbursts, take note of it. If those behaviors are uncharacteristic, do not assume you are mentally ill or abusive. The fact that those responses are uncharacteristic is important.
The term, reactive abuse, means just that: you are the one reacting to abuse, not the one to blame for it. The problems in your relationship are caused by your abuser’s behavior. To be certain about what role you have assumed, seek help from a licensed professional experienced in emotional abuse and trauma, the national domestic violence hotline, or your local domestic violence shelter. They will help to provide or refer you to resources to help you respond in a healthy way to your situation.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you have likely been emotionally beaten down and disparaged for a long time, months, years or even decades. Once you have gained clarity regarding the types of abusive patterns you’ve endured, the way you view yourself internally is a good next phase to work on with a therapist trained in abuse. In the past, your focus has likely been on helping your abuser change. Now it’s time to examine your worth and value as well as your internal beliefs about yourself and relationships in general.
A good goal is to attain a sense of confidence and deep self-love, which will help you shift your faulty beliefs about your identity to more healthy thoughts. Healing may be a long process but don’t be discouraged. You are not alone. Thousands of victims have achieved emotional and physical health that has forever changed their life for the better. You are worthy! You can do it!
Thank you for your article on reactive abuse! I’ve been struggling with guilt, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault.
We are so glad it helped you. Too many victims wonder if they are equally at fault or abusive. Once the clarity comes from understanding the dynamic behind their reactions, really defensive reactions (not abuse), they are able to release the guilt and move forward toward their complete healing. Bless you in your journey.
I was feeling the same and I had a “friend” tell me I had been verbally and physically abusive to him and that he didn’t cause it. That my reaction was on me. This made me go deeper into the guilt and once again questioning whether or not I deserved the sexual abuse, the indifference, the lack of compassion. I was wondering if the gaslighting was actually gaslighting or just me being too dramatic like he would say.
Yes, that’s what we call “Double Abuse.” While technically not “abuse” the response exacerbates a victim’s trauma-related symptoms. I am so sorry this happened to you. We have some blogs on self forgiveness that are aimed towards doing practices that will release you from the shame, guilt or issues others put on you even though your responses were reasonable in light of the circumstances. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com if you would like more of a dialogue. In the meantime, we hope you continue to find light and healing through your journey.
Thank you for this article. You have made me feel like someone understands. My husband recently had me arrested. I feel like I am going crazy and that everyone thinks that, too. It is so out of character for me. I am scared and feel broken. Since I am currently out on bond, I am not supposed to interact with him. I fear that if I go no contact, he will retaliate and I will face more consequences.
Gosh I am so sorry that you have gone through any of this. It is SO tragic. Grateful that you found validation and that you were “heard” and “seen” through this blog. We actually don’t even like the phrase reactive “abuse” because it implies that the victim’s response is abusive instead of being defensive as it usually is. I hope you are getting the healing you need and strength through any support services of therapy, with someone skilled in handling abuse. Blessings to you.
The information given on this site has opened my eyes & mind to what I have been going thru. I actually have had one of my children tell me both my husband & I were abusers within our relationship of 50 years. Mental health issues very similar to early dementia for my husband, along with serious physical disabilities of mine have complicated everything. I was feeling appalled that I may too be an abuser. My actions were regular verbal criticisms of his behaviors, but this was evolved over time after being shocked by his cruel verbal & emotional abuse. He hid his worst of course, so when I would criticize him, it sounded mean. Now that I understand, I have a new outlook of my own behavior. & a better ability to set healthier boundaries. Thank you for putting this educational information available for those who truly needed it & benefit from it.
Wow, Annette, we are so grateful you found our site and that it provided the clarity you needed to move ahead in health and wellness. We are sorry for what you experienced and also sorry for your husband’s increasing dementia. We hope for healing in your relationship with your children and that their eyes would be opened up to better understand what you were navigating within relationship. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com if we can support you further. Otherwise, keep reading the blogs – there’s a lot in there!! Warmly, Stephanie, M3ND Ex. Dirc.
ANNETTE CONRAD – I’m so glad you commented. What you wrote is almost exactly what has happened to me..
Mental Health husband,, physical heath for me.
My husband ramped up his verbal abuse – 18 months i put up with it.. I reached my limited and Reacted. I call it “taking off my kick me sign”.. He ordered me to get rid of a set ofI dishes. I got rid of them by dropping them on the floor.
The other difference is my daughters blamed only me because he was telling them lies behind my back. And his abuse before I got ill was few and far apart. When she walked in the door, she grabbed me by both arms, and shoved me against a wall.
Then she had my other daughter call the police on me for domestic violence.
Thanks to you and the writer of this article, I feel more like a human being again.
Also to the first responder policeman who saw thru the lies and threw my daughter out of the house for a day.
No thanks to the 2nd one I had come to the house a few days later. He advised me I could not refuse to let my daughter come back to the house (she lived here, but my husband had sent her out of state to her sisters house for a month after she was thrown out so he had time to get her an apartment – She was 45 at the time)
Thanks for your feedback Cort. And for affirming Annette. I’m sorry for what you have been through. It’s amazing how well you managed to set good, strong boundaries and stay firm. We are proud of you and so grateful this article helped validate your experience and help you to feel sane!
*i apologize for the swear words im a retired army vet cut me some slack xD* 50 TIMES 50?!?! so do I get a special award for dealing with it FOR A DECADE?! you are 100% correct in that the victim is usually very empathetic… My Godmother told me when i was just a young child “You have a big heart mijo but don’t be so naive to think people won’t notice and take advantage of you” OH how right she was. I can not tell you how many times i have been burned for money burned for time or just any resource i can offer… it was not tell my COVERT NARC wife that the message my god mother gave me started to come to fruition…Honestly once you know what you’re dealing with and you see behind your spouse’s mask and get a look at their TRUE SELF, it can not be unseen… My wife had painted the PERFECT image of herself to all my friends, family, co-workers… so much to the point even my own father believed i was the one abusing her… or better yet my workout partner who literally interacted with her almost on a daily basis and she did not have the slightest clue… she would actually say to me BRO YOUR SO LUCKY your WIFE IS AMAZING MAN KEEPER FOR SURE! the whole time i’m thinking to myself oh well shit maybe my wife is right and i am just being too sensitive or over emotional… i was so convinced that I WAS THE PROBLEM NO MATTER what the issue I WOULD EVEN JUMP UP TO ACCEPT THE BLAME even if i HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! like holy red flags batman SEND HELP! even now in the middle of our divorce I STILL MISS HER AND STILL LOVE HER AND STILL WANT TO FIX HER AND OUR RELATIONSHIP! despite the fact I KNOW she is incapable of ever accepting ANY fault or even acknowledge that her behavior is TOXIC AF… i asked her today while she was visiting our sons… i said what is it about me that just makes you want to talk to me with disdain and look at me with contempt? what is it about me that makes it to where you are just incapable of being polite to me and treating me with the same respect i give you? INSTANTLY she SHUTS DOWN “this is why i dont even want to come around you or talk to you i dont have time for this” literally started standing up as if she was going to leave while i just served her a home cook meal… i said why do you do that? she said DO WHAT! i said that acting all defensive as if im attacking you when i simply asked you a question? you realize that is actually TOXIC AF right? and it makes you look really ugly and that is why once you divorce me every relationship after me will fail and it will be your fault… and i got up left the table and said see your self out when your done eating… i just cant even comprehend because i would NEVER treat someone this way even my enemy I would treat better then my wife treats me… the most disgusting part of it all being the male? NO ONE BELIEVES ME NO ONE so the moment i react to her abuse she says “DOES EVERYONE SEE THAT? THAT TEMPER? im walking on eggshells all day long around him” and i just give up like i think most men do and sit in shame and silence…
We are so sorry for all the abuse and double abuse you have experienced. We hope you are getting the support you need to heal. It is very hard, but you can overcome it in time. It is mind boggling to grasp what we have gone through. We respect your process. When you are ready, perhaps you’ll share your story on our website. Or, you can email it to me, stephanie@themendproject.com. It would help other survivors, especially men, who need to hear other men’s stories. Bless you in your journey of healing. – Stephanie
do you have any resources for male victims of reactive abuse emotional mental and physical im even lying to my friends an coworkers about my injuries or avoiding people all together
Thanks for reaching out. Would you mind emailing us at info@themendproject.com? This would allow us to ask a few questions to help get you connected with the proper resources. I’m so sorry for what you are going through and we would love to be a support in your healing journey. If you’re not comfortable emailing, the best places to start are the National Domestic Violence Hotline (victims, supporters, responders call there and get help finding local resources as they have a large resource list) (800.799.SAFE (7233).) Also, reach out to your local domestic violence agency as they often have the best local resources to help you or might actually have classes, therapy or legal services at low to no cost to assist you in this season.
This article describes my relationship with my wife to a T. Everyone thinks she is amazing. She treats our kids like she should treat me. I have been her whipping boy for over 25 years. At first I tried to be understanding and responsive to her, as I was taught. That only gave her more power. I started reacting abusively. Your descriptions of the shame and confusion are spot on. Things came to a breaking point right after the COVID lockdowns began. We got into a major fight and I lost it. She left for 2 weeks with our teenaged sons. I was labeled the abuser and she played the victim card masterfully. I was forced to move out. After a few months, we began couples counseling. That only made things worse because the counselor sympathized with her and could not believe that she could be the abuser. Several months later, we began seeing a different counselor separately. I have been going through EMDR trauma therapy with him for nearly 2 years. It has helped a lot and he is finally beginning to be open to the idea that she has been abusive.
DO you have any materials for male abuse victims? It would be very helpful if you have any scholarly articles.
Dave! We are so glad that you received such clarity from this blog. It is truly an eye opener for victims of abuse, who often carry a lot of shame from their reactions and confusion as to whether they are the abuser. So happy to hear that you are in therapy getting healing for the trauma you have experienced. We hope you keep at it. We have a special cohort for victims/survivors which begins on 1/24 for 4 weeks. If you sign up to receive training information you will get a link to register. That would be really an excellent source for continued clarity and healing for you. As far as resources for male victims, I am providing some links to some articles for you to look at. But I also want to say how sorry I am regarding the dearth of resources for male victims. I hope that will change and you will have access to more support over time. Here you go, and don’t hesitate to reach out for more resources or support on our website or by email at info@themendproject.com. https://bmchealthservres.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12913-020-05931-x; Studies on Male Victims (UK)Male Victims of DV (Journal of Family Violence)
Thank you. I am experiencing that. I was the victim I put a restraining order against my fiancé who hit me. I was trying to self defense and he took pix of his bruises and more and then he go to police and put me a restraining order against me. very unfair I am a mother. What i need to do? help ?
Ingrid, we are so thankful that you are reading our blogs and commenting. I am really sorry for everything you have been through and am glad that you understand more about reactive abuse through the resources we provide. If you go to the training page you’ll find recordings of our intensives and there’s one on reactive abuse that our Founder, Annette Oltmans, taught. Your situation is very difficult but unfortunately common. Often, the police do not understand reactive abuse nor do the courts. It sounds important that you seek legal counsel to help you ensure your custody rights are not affected by the restraining order. In particular, you’ll want to make sure they are well-versed in issues of abuse and reactive abuse, possibly sharing our website with them to help them understand that your actions were in self defense not to abuse. You could also reach out to Wings for Justice, an excellent nonprofit that might have good resources and counsel for you to make sure you protect your custody rights with your children in light of the restraining orders. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com.
This is exactly what has been going on with me for decades. I now know Ihave to get out of this emotionally abusive marriage. And no one will understand why. They all tell me he loves me very much. He comes out smelling like a rose.
Gosh, we are so sorry that you have been dealing with this for so many years. We hope you will find the clarity and healing you need. Please consider joining us for one of our upcoming courses for survivors to learn more and to find healing you deserve. If you are interested in some referrals for you and your husband, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com.
This article is frightening. As a child of an abusive parent, this justification of their abuse or so-called “defense” really upsets me. You are promoting, celebrating, and encouraging this behavior, taking guilt away from abusers and enabling them to continue hurting more people. You cannot excuse or justify what has happened to me at the hands of my abusive parent.I have had a happy life robbed from me as a result of this kind of person. My other parent (who you would label as the abuser regardless of whether this parent is or not) has tried everything to heal the family. This parent does everything possible to make peace. My abusive parent, however, will find issues from the past or make up events to be angry about. Any attempt to tell this parent that the events are not reality is narcissistic, gaslighting behavior. Calling this parent abusive, or trying to get help is emotional abuse. This parent abuses physically with hitting me or destroying my stuff. I have some very, very clear and painful memories of this parent even throwing my beloved pets around the house and threatening to get rid of them. This parent is neglectful as well, leaving the house to “escape” leaves me stranded and prevents me from going to places to fulfill responsibilities like work and school. This parent will undress in front of me to try to get me to go away. This parent has called me many names I can’t repeat here. This parent is not doing this in defense of emotional abuse that this parent fabricates or exaggerates. My other parent is not an emotional abuser
or narcissist, like you would suggest. A normal life has been stolen from me as a result of this “defensive reaction”. I have gone through incredible amounts of pain at the hands of this parent. Yet you tell them they have nothing to be guilty of, and that their reaction is neither abusive or wrong. I don’t see how you can claim this. The truth is, you have no authority to do so. You aren’t dealing with patients except online, so you have no real experience as far as I can tell. You claim you are a researcher, yet don’t list any sources. You are merely an organization that profits on comforting and encouraging abusers, by giving articles made of pure opinion. Even your name is misleading: you are the MEND project, but you encourage people to leave their families, never thinking about the people they leave behind. I believe you were one of these reactive abusers. There’s no other way in which I can see how you would justify the abuse that was done to me. Even as I write this response, my abusive parent is threatening me and my other parent. And this, this is ok with you. It’s not abuse, it’s not even wrong. Your words are freeing abusers from the guilt they should be feeling for their actions. You are equipping them to do even more, with no conscience to hold them back. Please, revise this article. Think about the victims of reactive abuse. Stop allowing and encouraging abusers to continue to hurt people. As I am writing this. My abusive parent is using the words found in this article to justify her behavior. She is actively empowered to hurt me more because of you. Is that what you want?
I understand that my comment is likely going to be taken down. If it is, I suppose that proves my point that you care nothing for the people suffering under the hands of “reactive defense”, and only wish to help abusers feel better about themselves.
Thank you for taking the time to share your response to the Reactive Abuse article we published. We are so sorry this article was used against you by your abusive parent. What you are describing is not reactive abuse, it is abuse; your parent is using the material to justify their behaviors, gaslight, blame-shift, and attack the real victims in your family. This is unfortunately common for abusers to do. But you are right, there is no justification or excuse for the systematic verbal attacks and other forms of abuse happening to you and I am sorry you felt that is what we were saying; it was not our intention. As you have shared, it is particularly harmful and so tough for children to grow up in an abusive house, especially if that abuse is directed at them.
People who systemically abuse will say and do just about anything to justify their harmful behaviors and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. For added clarity, many professionals say that abusers have responsibility deficit disorder, meaning they refuse to accept responsibility for their thoughts, behaviors, past trauma symptoms and learning healthy new skills to communicate. Please also know that it is very common for abusers to label the true victim(s) as abusers in another attempt to blame others for their actions.
Reactive abuse is not an excuse for anyone. It is an explanation used for professionals to know they need to look deeper into any situation before making assumptions about who the abuser is.
It wasn’t clear to me if your parents are separated so you may have a safe space with your non-abusive parent where you will not be continually traumatized by abuse directed at you. We hope so and, if not, recommend you and your non-abusive parent seek therapy or other support even from a DV agency who can provide or refer you to therapy, support groups, or other resources to help you heal.
Finally, we are so sorry you are going through this and that our article was taken out of context and weaponized against you. Our next survivor course is taking place in April. If you feel comfortable, we would love to have you and your parent join us so you can feel supported and gain more clarity on your situation and how to respond to the abusive parent/spouse. You can find out more information on our training and curriculum page on our website.
I’m so sorry what you’re going through. Curious what “ abuse” would your abusive parent say is coming from your non abusive parent ? I trust your judgement of course because you live there. You see. I’m so sorry your abusive parent found this article and is using it against you to bolster herself. I’m guessing you’re a minor ? Can you reach out to your school counselor ? I hope you find the help you need and can get away from your abuser. Why doesn’t your non abusive parent take you away w them somewhere else fee of this abuse ? Hugs
I have suffered sexual abuse (harassment),discrimination (namecalling) and severe forms of gaslighting abuse by police, fire and emergency management personnel along with my daughter being raped by a prison officer after i received verbal threats of rape to me and harm to my daughter. This has been going on for 5 years often resulting in job losses to me all the while being trafficked by my former partner.
These people are extremely exploitative. I have often reached out for help only to be told by “lawyers” that I should not worry because bullying happens all the time along with another lawyer minimising the name calling abuse that I endured and suffered with my former partner. I am discusted at the fact that the people that I need to protect me are actually emotionally unavailable towards me and have completely broken down any trust that I ever had in justice. I to have found myself emotionally reactive particularly with angry outbursts at the sick level of injustice covertly carried out on me and my family. I feel particularly angry when sexual gestures are used towards me by these people who behave as though they have a right to abuse.
Who can I trust ? Everywhere that I have turned, I am blamed for their abuse and my feelings are minimised.
Oh goodness, we are so sorry what you have gone through and know how challenging it is to deal with. It is all too common for the true victim to be treated as a criminal, the abuser or the guilty one. It’s not OK and yet it feels unavoidable. If you are able to, perhaps to step away for a while so you avoid reacting out of a trauma response until your trauma symptoms heal more. As we said in the article, many reactions are involuntary and can actually complicate the issues the victim is already dealing with through no fault of theirs. I’m not sure where you are at on your healing journey, but if you’re able to step away, regroup and dig deep into education and healing before responding, please do. Also, if you have domestic violence agencies or health agencies who provide support groups, group counseling or other therapeutic treatment, you might be able to build a new community who understands what you have experienced. You may find new friends who are trustworthy and can encourage you along the way.
Hi, thank you for this article. My ex did exactly those methods to me. When she saw that little by little I began to stand up to her, with facts, spoken calmly she became even more rageful with lots if word salad, or claiming not to understand etc etc. I am very sure there was a sort if other reality with her friends and family, in that, a narrative was believed by them that I was never privy to. They’d all smile etc but for me it was extremely disrespectful and hurtful and hugely dishonest. I constantly felt like a sort of intruder, looking for authenticity knowing all along it was otherwise. And it made them all feel good about their own elephants in the room
I am so glad it was helpful to you. The more clarity we get through education and understanding the more able we are to set firm and healthy boundaries without reacting in destructive ways. I hope you’re journey of healing continues in strength.
I stayed in my violent verbally/emotionally abusive (plus one slap across the face and one rape) marriage for 25 years before I finally divorced him. I suffer with now treatment resistant depression, anxiety, c-PTSD, Fibromyalgia and ulcerative colitis (UC). The UC came close to killing me, and it is what made me realize that I would die if I stayed in the marriage any longer. It took my GI doctors about 6-7 years to finally get the disease under control with one every day oral medication and one injectable med once a week…and me divorcing my husband and no longer being around him, of course. At one point I looked like a concentration camp victim, just skin and bones, from the 20 or more bouts of bloody diarrhea every day.
My daughter was 19 years old when I divorced her father. She will be 35 in May and has been married for eight years. She has always believed, and her husband agrees, that it takes two to destroy a marriage. They have repeatedly told me that I have to take responsibility for the choices that I made in marrying my husband and then not leaving sooner due to any ill treatment. They won’t accept any reason that I give them for how the whole nightmare played out over time and why I stayed. As far as they’re concerned, it’s equally my fault. I have vehemently rejected their viewpoint, but they just accuse me of playing the victim and not wanting to admit to my role in what occurred in the marriage. This has been killing me ever since the divorce. It’s caused my relationship with my daughter to be on shaky ground. I’ve been called weak and pathetic, a liar and told that I choose to live with a victim mentality.
Your article, What Most Miss About Reactive Abuse, is the first one I’ve come across on this topic. I’m wondering if it might help my family understand that I wasn’t at fault for my husband’s abuse. I wanted to print it out for my daughter and her husband to read, but it won’t print out correctly. Each page has some lines or paragraph left out no matter what I try. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the header across the top of the page about “New Training Starting Soon” or what. Could you please look into this issue and correct it if possible?
Thank you…Bev
Bev, We are so grateful you are on a healing path and that you have taken steps to place yourself in a safe environment. It’s amazing how much this article has helped people understand themselves, their ex-partners and people who have seen the abusive relationship from the outside. I will email a pdf of the article to you. It is so hard to understand emotional abuse from within the relationship and equally hard if not harder to understand it from the outside. Kids living within it grow up not being able to distinguish or name the roles each parent plays or recognize the subtleties of covert control and manipulation. It’s unfortunately far too common for survivors to be accused they are playing the victim when they take a long time to heal (CPTSD can take many years to heal and more if you do not have the right help in healing) and remain firm in their position of who was the abuser in the relationship. I hope you have therapeutic support and can find ways to take good care of yourself and help place firm boundaries that are healthy with your children and their spouses.I am not sure they will understand even through reading this if they are firmly set in their perception that, even in abusive relationships, both people are equally responsible for the abuse. That said, that doesn’t mean survivors don’t have any self-work to do. Of course there is. Even more when you’re trying to overcome the trauma of an abusive relationship. I would encourage you to attend our Free workshop this Wednesday at 10 a.m. PST (I’ll email the link but it’s also on our website). I would also encourage you to join us for the new training you saw on the banner of our website. It will help to give you words and ways to explain and describe your experience to help yourself and those who want to understand better. Take care and don’t hesitate to reply to my email and set a time to chat with someone on our team. I’m sure Annette would love to speak with you.
Thank you for the encouragement and the link to the pdf for the specific article. I don’t know if it will change my family members’ minds, but hopefully it will at least give them something to think about from someone else besides myself. The article sure helped me understand how I acted in ways so out of character for myself when my now Ex came at me with his violent tirades and gaslighting for all those years.
God bless,
Bev A.
It’s our pleasure. Please let us know how we can support you further. God bless you too.
Thank you, thank you. I finally have a name, an explanation for years of cumulative abuse and my volatile outbursts to it. It was my survival tactic and that’s exactly how it felt: critical, desperate attempts to be seen, heard and acknowledged that the continual verbal and emotional abuse was killling me inside and it needed to stop (it never stopped). And yes, everyone thinks he’s wonderful; I see him very well in your article and posted replies. The only thing I did not see referenced that was part of my abuse experience was how abuse can play with your mind, get into your head.. He knew just what to say to make me feel insignificant, like nothing to him and if I didn’t do certain things he would find someone who would. I dreamt (more than once) that I was lying in bed in the middle of the night…and rolled over to find my husband having sex with someone else, right there, right next to me. After one incident, I retreated to my bed absolutely defeated, crying, staring at the ceiling – the ceiling looked like it was a mile away, like I was in a deep well. Once I dreamt that I was sitting in my car. The car was suspended in the air. Suddenly, parts of my car started falling away: the side mirror, the door…etc. The only thing that glared at me when I woke up was the fact that I was not sitting in the driver’s seat of my own vehicle. What is this effect of abuse? ps. even though I had finally left him, I still developed clinical depression, requiring medication a couple years later.
Goodness! I’m thrilled you found this blog and got clarity about your relationship dynamics and responses of defense. It’s amazing how symbolic and instructive your dream was; sounds like you are now in the driver’s seat. Congratulations! Everything you are saying is accurate and we teach about it in our courses. I would encourage you to head to our tools and resources page on our website and take a look at our training workshop videos and our training page and sign up for an upcoming course for anyone who has been in an abusive relationship or those who are in high-conflict relationships. We talk about the roots of abuse, the effects of abuse, trauma, PTSD, and complex PTSD, and much more. Or provide us with your email so you may get notice of upcoming training opportunities. We would love to have your participation!