Understanding Reactive Abuse: What You Need to Know

The MEND Project

reactive abuse

Discerning the experiences and stories of two people can be tricky and confusing. 

This is especially true when there is a long history of abuse, and the victim’s involuntary trauma responses are triggered by recurring abusive attacks. Both people act in ways that could be considered emotionally violent and/or abusive to an outsider. 

This may make it appear as if there are two victims and two abusers when, in reality, there is only one. 

A violent or aggressive response to an abusive partner is called reactive abuse. We prefer the term reactive defense. The victim’s reaction does not turn them into an abuser. 

So, what is going on? 

In this article, you will learn:

  • How to define reactive abuse
  • What causes the abused person to react emotionally or physically violently
  • The difference between the abuser’s motives and mindset versus their victim’s
  • And how to discern who’s the abuser

Let’s get started.

What is Reactive Abuse?

When a victim has been in an abusive relationship for a while, they begin to defend themselves against emotionally or physically violent attacks. 

The term ‘reactive abuse’ refers to a victim’s defensive response to the narcissistic abuse behaviors they have been experiencing repeatedly over time. 

Although it is called reactive abuse, MEND prefers the term reactive defense because a victim is not an abuser. 

Reactive abuse occurs when the victim either becomes exhausted and frustrated or the aggressor in response to the abuser, such as by throwing something, pushing the abuser out of the way, slapping, raging, or angry outbursts.  

In truth, reactive abuse is self-defense, not abuse.

This happens when the victim, who has been dealing with abusive behavior over a sustained period of time, reaches an internal breaking point. The prolonged physical or emotional abuse they have endured causes them to react impulsively rather than respond calmly. 

A victim who reacts abusively is usually acting out of character, leaving them confused and surprised by their response. This leads to more self-doubt and self-criticism.

Even though it comes out of the body’s natural defense mechanism, which is designed to protect them from violence, reactive abuse almost always harms the victim more than the abuser. 

Even in healthy relationships, there are times we respond in ways that are uncharacteristic of our true selves. 

So, why isn’t reactive abuse considered abuse?

Let’s take a look.

How Does Reactive Abuse Work?

Reactive abuse is a victim’s way of self-defense against the overwhelming injustice their abuser is doing to them. Their defensive reaction does not put the victim on an equal par with the abuser or transform them from victim to abuser. 

You might wonder: “Why doesn’t it?” 

To answer this, let’s look into the mindset of an abuser.

The Abusive Mindset

Victims of domestic violence do not bring violence upon themselves, nor are they abusive like their partner is. True abuse is a choice the abuser makes. It is not an accident, and it’s never the victim’s fault.

Abusers, or those who cause harm, have entrenched faulty thinking patterns and beliefs that lead to destructive behaviors and a need to power over and control their partner.  Abusers have entrenched beliefs about entitlement, placing the victim in a downgraded position. These feelings encourage them to use manipulative aggression.

And when the victim raises a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, the abuser will react defensively to shut the victim’s voice down.

The confusion of an abuse mindset versus an involuntary reaction

The abusive behavior can be overt, such as through physical violence, sexual, or overt psychological abuse.

It can also be covert through gaslighting, minimization, blame-shifting, or any other hidden manipulative behavior.

Whether overt or covert, abusive words and actions are forms of intimate partner violence.

The reverse, however, is not automatically true because violence does not necessarily equal abuse. 

When victims fight back, it is usually to stop a dangerous situation or oppression. The actions do not come from an abusive mindset to power over and control their partner. 

Reactive abuse is often due to prolonged states of high stress and confusion, or what are known as trauma states, in response to having their voice and personhood controlled or shut down. It doesn’t equal mutual abuse. Understanding this requires us to take a look at what causes the victim to respond this way.

The Involuntary Reaction

The victim’s response is an involuntary reaction caused by the cumulative trauma they have been experiencing over time and comes from a place of extreme frustration or self-defense.

Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or sexual, it causes deep fear and stress and puts the victim on high alert.

When the victim senses danger, the brain releases stress hormones that help the body defend against the threat. 

This is known as a “stress response” or “trauma response,” which is more commonly called a “fight, freeze, flight or fawn response.” 

In other words, the victim’s natural response is for their body to prepare to freeze, flee, fight back, or appease their abuser, especially when they perceive a threat to their safety or freedom.

Recurring trauma has harmful effects on one’s mind and body. 

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A trauma response happens automatically and involuntarily, without thinking about it in advance. It usually surprises the victim more than the abuser.

Here are some examples of what that can look like.

Examples of Reactive Abuse

When the victim feels overwhelmed with distress, fear, and powerlessness, their natural defense may be to scream, yell insults, or even physically lash out at their abuser to either clarify the false narrative being imposed upon them or cut off the abuser’s attack. 

A person who does not normally curse, hit, or rage may find themselves doing these things in response to their partner’s abusive and controlling aggression.

When Children React

For example, a child whose parent abuses them feels defenseless against their attack.

They often don’t feel they have access to the fight response. Their level of dependency upon the adult, lack of autonomy, and fear limit them to freezing or fawning during a trauma response.

Some children, however, will flee or fight back. Usually, this takes place after recurring trauma or abuse.  Some ways you might understandably see a child fight is by:

  • destroying something in the house
  • cursing at their parents
  • or telling them they hate them

Although the child is defending themself in the most powerful way they can, the abuser will likely blame and punish them.

Outsiders may assume the parent is doing all they can to help an “unruly” or “problem” child. Children are rarely believed and, therefore, rarely report abuse by a parent or caretaker.

On the inside, the child often feels guilt and shame for acting out. They depend on an adult to validate them and to be emotionally available, so when adults are abusive, emotionally or physically neglectful, punitive, or critical, the child develops a low sense of self-worth that can take a lifetime to change.

Recurring trauma during the developmental stages of life impacts the way a child’s brain develops. Trauma changes the brain. The child’s brain will develop an enlarged amygdala, like the accelerator in a car, and an underdeveloped hippocampus, which acts like the breaks in a car. 

In other words, the child’s stress hormones and distorted brain development will result in limited access to cognitive functions, causing higher levels of reactivity and lower ability to self-regulate.

Example of an Adult’s Reaction

Perhaps a woman reacts to years of her husband’s abuse by hitting him with a skillet.

Or, she screams at him, calls him names, or slaps him.

When the police respond to the domestic violence call, her abuser, most often, presents in a calm and controlled manner while manipulatively telling them she assaulted him. She will readily admit she hit him, apologize, and try to explain.

Internally, she doesn’t know how to explain because she doesn’t understand why her mind and body reacted that way. Recurring trauma often causes cognitive thinking to be impaired, making the involuntary trauma responses more confusing to the victim and more wrongly judged by outsiders.

The police may see her as the abuser or one of two abusers. Rather than getting the help she needs, she will be blamed for reacting even though it may have taken place after months or years of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse.

While being interviewed by police, she is not able yet to manage her trauma responses, thus appearing emotionally unstable, weak, or lacking credibility. While at the same time, the actual abuser is calculated, remains calm, and controls the narrative.

Even in self-defense, reactive abuse behaviors can be violent and are frequently misinterpreted.

It can be difficult even for skilled responders, addressed below in the Confusion for Responders section.

Sometimes, the reactions are so violent we are left wondering if reactive abuse is justified or should be on an equal par with the original abuse.

If you wonder if reactive abuse is justified, keep reading:

Is Reactive Abuse Justified?

As you can see, reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting itself instinctively from a traumatic encounter or threat. 

The person being harmed has little to no control over their response as it happens. The reaction is justified and sometimes necessary to stop the abuse. 

Here’s why.

The brain responds to threats by commanding a flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response. 

Fleeing is when the victim runs from the situation (e.g., walks out, locks themselves in a separate room, runs out the door, or leaves in their car). It is one form of self-defense aimed at protecting the person from their abuser.

Fleeing, like fighting, fawning, and freezing, feels like a natural response to them—they flee without even thinking about it. 

The brain chemistry that causes them to flee isn’t significantly different than when their mind and body react by fighting back. Because fleeing isn’t an aggressive act toward the abuser, whether it’s justified isn’t a question we ask.

However, when a victim fights back in self-defense, the questions (and problems for the victim) begin. 

With either fleeing or fighting, the brain directs the action. The traumatized individual often is unable to ignore the brain’s directive. The response is involuntary. It’s automatic.

Thus, determining whether reactive abuse is justified isn’t an appropriate question. 

If it is reactive abuse, it’s done in response to abuse and is justified. The traumatized victim is defending themself from a continuous stream of abusive behaviors that have happened over time. One cannot compare the victim’s involuntary reactions to abuse that aims to power over and control another person. The motives are diametrically opposed.

The Danger of Reactive Abuse

Even though reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting the victim from the abuser’s emotionally or physically violent behavior, it usually does not protect the victim as much as it helps the abuser.

Let’s take a closer look:

The Advantage of the Abuser

Abusers rely on the victim to react rather than calmly respond. In actuality, the abuser baits the victim to get a reaction so they can shift the blame onto the victim. Abusers are often relentless in their efforts to push the victim to the breaking point, hoping they will react uncontrollably so the abuser can mislabel them as mentally ill, crazy, or abusive.

Abusers rely on the victim’s reactive outbursts to protect the abuser’s image and shift blame and responsibility for the conflict onto the victim.

Those with narcissistic tendencies thrive when they garner sympathy from friends and family members, including those closest to the victim. Narcissists are highly focused on their public image and are most potent when they garner positive attention.

Meanwhile, the victim loses whatever safe community they had and moves closer toward complete isolation. Public shaming effectively labels the victim as the problem.

Over time, once friends and family question the victim’s mental well-being, they side with the abuser.

This makes it nearly impossible for the victim to feel safe to ask friends or family for the help they desperately need and deserve.

Suppose the victim decides to leave the relationship. In that case, the abuser has already used his deceptive influence regarding the victim’s behaviors to continue their false narrative and control, ultimately scapegoating the victim.

In child custody court battles, for example, the abuser may highlight the reactive abuse to make the judge question the victim’s credibility and stability as a parent or blame the victim for being the abusive one.

Or to defend against the victim’s valid claims of domestic violence, possibly denying requests for protective orders.

Some states nullify the responsibility to pay spousal support if the abuser can frame the victim as the abusive one. Abusers use this loophole to mischaracterize and frame the victim. Having turned their community against them, their friends and family might end up testifying on the abuser’s behalf.

The fear of these potential outcomes successfully prevents the victim from seeking and receiving social support.

The Effect on the Victim

Of course, the same things that are advantageous to the abuser are the most damaging to the victim.

Internal confusion and self-doubt can make the victim feel they need to remain in the relationship because they either mistakenly believe they are equally responsible or don’t believe they’ll get the support they need if they leave.

All the while, the abuser is never held accountable.

Also, most victims are very confused to see themselves reacting abusively with their partners. The hitting, raging, or other toxic reactions are uncharacteristic of how the victim would normally react when dealing with a conflict.

Witnessing their own aggressive response (which comes without forethought) is surprising and concerning to them.

They try to stop reacting aggressively but fail. It is difficult, if not impossible, for victims to heal from their trauma symptoms while in an atmosphere of ongoing trauma. They are trapped in a cycle of abuse with impaired cognitive function, which makes healthy decision-making more difficult. Victims instinctively know that leaving the abuser will bring on escalated abuse and retaliation in ways the victim cannot know for sure. The anticipatory fear of the trauma to come leaves them paralyzed rather than empowered to leave.

The abuser compounds their guilt by calling the victim abusive or unstable.

Or, they feign concern for their emotional well-being, making the victim believe they are not well.

They might even offer to pay for the victim to seek professional help.

This increases the victim’s sense of self-doubt, makes them question their own sanity, and increases their sense of dependence on their partner while also establishing a therapeutic record of their tendency to react aggressively.

What victims often don’t realize is they likely have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or complex PTSD, which presents in myriad ways from anger, frustration, fear, paranoia, and other emotions and explains their uncharacteristic response to their partner. Complex PTSD is difficult to heal. C-PTSD alters their mind and body in overwhelming ways.

Often, with covert emotional abuse, the victim does not realize they are being abused, which results in confusion and high levels of stress about their circumstances.

High stress and confusion over an extended period of time will likely cause PTSD, making it nearly impossible to recognize a connection between their trauma symptoms, hidden forms of manipulation and abuse, and their reactive behaviors.

The longer high stress and confusion continue, the more stress hormones and the more mentally and physically compromised the victim becomes.

Fragmented thinking and communication increase; they involuntarily shake and are emotionally and physically exhausted. Their endocrine and immune systems often become compromised or collapse, resulting in numerous physical illnesses.

Each symptom primes the victim to become more compromised and reactive in ways that are not normal for them. The victim has limited access to executive functions in the brain.

Initially, they cannot control how they react, and it’s nearly impossible to understand why they react out of character.

Many feel significant shame and guilt long after they have left the abusive relationship.

Confusion for Responders

A common issue with reactive abuse is that responders mistakenly believe both people in the relationship are abusive or that the victim is the real abuser.

This happens because reactive abuse often includes the same types of destructive behaviors the primary abuser uses, and responders do not know how to recognize the signs of abuse and trauma in the victim, which tells a more accurate story.

They also fail to understand an abuser’s destructive belief systems and patterns of behavior or why victims react aggressively.

As soon as they see the violent nature of the victim’s response, it’s proof that the victim is the person to blame or that they are both abusers.

Many therapists and law enforcement personnel believe both parties are abusive. Experts, however, who specialize in trauma and abuse know otherwise.

Simply put, there are rarely two abusers in an abusive intimate relationship.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports on its website, “There is no such thing as mutual abuse.”

There is a pattern of power and control that makes “mutual abuse” virtually impossible in actual situations of domestic violence and also does not exist when so-called abuse is reactive.

People may engage in situational violence, which is not intimate partner violence.

But situational violence lacks the power imbalance existing in relationship abuse.

There is nothing mutual about a victim’s defensive reactions to their abuser’s controlling, antagonistic, manipulative, or aggressive behaviors.

When hidden forms of emotional abuse are present, outsiders are even less likely to see what is occurring or understand the impact the relationship has on the victim. The way the traumatized victim presents makes it more likely for others to believe the victim is the one who is out of sorts, lacking credibility, and guilty of the conflict in the relationship.

Hidden forms of abuse and manipulation are so confusing and difficult to identify and describe that victims cannot find the words to explain best what they are enduring or to advocate for themselves. Responders make the mistake of blaming the victim instead of helping them.
 
Instead, responders need to educate themselves about the dynamics of abuse and become aware of the relationship between hidden forms of emotional abuse and trauma.

Emotional abuse is the common thread in all relational abuse cases. Therefore, it is essential that people helpers and responders become educated to recognize these subtle aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors.

If they don’t, they risk causing further harm and trauma to the victim through their inadvertent or intentionally destructive responses.

How Can You Know When Violence is Reactive or Abusive? 

So how can you tell who is the abuser and who is the victim in the couple before you? How can you know the difference when both are acting in an emotionally or physically violent manner?

To answer these questions, it’s essential to understand some of the signs of trauma.

Trauma and the Abuser

Trauma from abuse causes physical symptoms such as uncontrollable shaking or trembling, difficulty communicating effectively, fragmented thinking or communication, willingness to self-blame, emotional fragility, and autoimmune diseases or other unexplained physical illnesses.

Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation, vacillating between emotional outbursts, crying, anger, frustration, confusion, or complete disconnection from any emotion.

In contrast, the abuser shows a high level of skill when controlling their emotions, words, and physical stature, making them appear cool and calm compared to the victim’s frantic, insecure, or confused state.

Victims are also much more agreeable to accepting responsibility for their mistakes. They are naturally empathic and are eager to self-reflect. In contrast, the abuser has little to no inner critic or ability to self-reflect while directing his criticism toward his partner.

The abuser will say and do just about anything to avoid accountability and responsibility for their actions.

The victim will be highly traumatized by the abuser’s false narrative and false accusations—and the presence of law enforcement—and the victim will likely be incapable of articulating an accurate explanation to counter them.

Best Practices for Responders

As a responder (therapist, pastor, officer, social worker, etc.), it’s vital to ask about the history of behavior in the relationship and look for ways each person presents.

But keep in mind that the victim is confused and traumatized and may not have yet come to identify herself as a victim of abuse, so you may not receive the answers you expect when the victim responds.

Also, remember to separate the people in the relationship so the victim responds to your questions authentically and confidentially.

It’s wholly ineffective and damaging when responders require the abused person to answer questions in front of their abuser. You don’t need to know who the abuser is yet. Separate the two.

This includes parents and children. Far too often, children are asked, while in the presence of their abusive parent or family member, if they feel safe without taking into consideration whether fear is making it impossible for them to answer honestly.

Simply put, there’s little to no chance you’ll get to the truth if you keep them together.

Remember, mutual abuse is rarely, if ever, an objective way of thinking.

Please do not throw your arms up in frustration and walk away from the couple, pretending they are both abusers.

If you watch and listen closely, you will eventually begin to see clearly which person is responsible for the chaos.

A Note for Victims: What to Do If You’re the Victim Lashing Out

Many victims who react abusively to their abuser’s actions wonder if they are the actual abuser and experience considerable guilt about how they’ve behaved.

How can you be sure you're not an abuser? The fact that you're questioning yourself and are willing to consider the possibility strongly indicates that you're not. Abusers don’t self-reflect. They rarely accept full responsibility for their abusive actions. They blame the other person in subtle or overt ways.

When you are confused by your reactive outbursts, note it.

If those behaviors are uncharacteristic, do not assume you are mentally ill or abusive. The fact that those responses are uncharacteristic is essential.

The term reactive abuse means just that: you are the one reacting to abuse, not the one initiating abuse or to blame for it. Your abuser’s faulty thinking, distorted beliefs about interpersonal relationships, sense of entitlement, domineering attitudes, and focus on managing their public image at the expense of the victim are the pillars that describe an abusive mindset.  

To be sure about what role you have assumed, seek help from a licensed professional experienced in emotional abuse and trauma, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or your local domestic violence shelter.

Another impactful resource is taking The MEND Project’s self-paced course, Finding Clarity. The course will provide you with clarity to overcome your prolonged state of high stress and confusion. It will also provide you with a comprehensive education regarding the dynamics and subtleties of abuse. You will gain the proper language to identify and name your experiences to more effectively advocate for yourself. You will gain valuable insight into the mind of the abuser. And so much more. Attendees who have taken our course regularly report that the four-module course saved them a year or more of therapy. It will jump-start you on your healing journey.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you have likely been emotionally beaten down and disparaged for a long time – months, years, or even decades.

Once you have gained clarity regarding the types of abusive patterns you’ve endured, the way you view yourself internally, and your lack of self-love and overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, it is an excellent next phase to work on with a therapist trained in abuse.

In the past, your focus has likely been on helping your abuser change. Nothing you do will change your abuser. You may be ready to set a firm boundary to separate from your abuser, which, in a few cases, may be a motivating factor for the abuser to desire from a well-spring inside themselves to do the lengthy hard work required to change.

We can only change our behavior and what we believe about ourselves, which will, in turn, will help us become more decisive about saying no to abuse.

Now, it’s time to examine your worth, value, and internal beliefs about yourself and your relationships.

A good goal is to attain confidence and deep self-love, which will help you shift your faulty beliefs about what you deserve, your feelings of low self-worth, and your identity to more healthy thoughts. Feelings flow from our thoughts and beliefs. Therefore, it’s essential to unpack our own distorted beliefs about ourselves.

Healing may be a long process, but don’t be discouraged. You are not alone. Thousands of victims have achieved emotional and physical health that has forever changed their lives.

You are worthy! You can do it!

Conclusion

Understanding reactive abuse is crucial in navigating the complexities of abusive relationships.

Victims who display reactive abuse are not abusers themselves; they are individuals reacting instinctively to protect themselves from destructive behaviors, abusive oppression, and ongoing harm.

The focus should always be on supporting and empowering victims to recognize their value and worth, tap into resources, seek support, and break free from abusive cycles.

By educating ourselves and others about the dynamics of abuse and trauma, we can provide better support and ensure that victims receive the understanding and assistance they genuinely need and deserve.

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  1. Thank you for your article on reactive abuse! I’ve been struggling with guilt, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault.

    Reply

    1. We are so glad it helped you. Too many victims wonder if they are equally at fault or abusive. Once the clarity comes from understanding the dynamic behind their reactions, really defensive reactions (not abuse), they are able to release the guilt and move forward toward their complete healing. Bless you in your journey.

      Reply

      1. I was feeling the same and I had a “friend” tell me I had been verbally and physically abusive to him and that he didn’t cause it. That my reaction was on me. This made me go deeper into the guilt and once again questioning whether or not I deserved the sexual abuse, the indifference, the lack of compassion. I was wondering if the gaslighting was actually gaslighting or just me being too dramatic like he would say.

        Reply

        1. Yes, that’s what we call “Double Abuse.” While technically not “abuse” the response exacerbates a victim’s trauma-related symptoms. I am so sorry this happened to you. We have some blogs on self forgiveness that are aimed towards doing practices that will release you from the shame, guilt or issues others put on you even though your responses were reasonable in light of the circumstances. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com if you would like more of a dialogue. In the meantime, we hope you continue to find light and healing through your journey.

          Reply

          1. This article was exactly what I needed. I was psychologically abused by my husband for 3 years. I reacted to the abuse and was arrested for a felony because he is 65 I am 64. it has ruined my chance for employment and housing. I still await trial date. I was considering a plea deal. now I think I’d rather go to court to present my history of abuse
            thank you so much for helping me understand what happened.

          2. We are so glad you have gained clarity through this article. Hopefully, it can help your attorney communicate more clearly and to advocate better for you! Take care.

          3. I’m a disabled senior that’s been dealing with an emotionally trapped situation. I am 60 and left a 50k/y job to core for my mother because my aunts told me “cone stay with her and retire”. But once I got here they pulled the rug out from under me then told me find a job or be homeless. APS, FAMILY SERVICES, SHERRIF, USAG… no help in Florida.

          4. I am so sorry to hear this. I encourage you to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233)) or their website at hotline.org. You’ll find resources near you where you might be able to get the right type of help. They might be able to direct you to shelter or other help against the abuse you are experiencing.

        1. We are so glad you gained value from this!! Keep reading and exploring our website. I hope you’ll take some time to look through our free workshop trainings which are recorded and housed on our website under tools and resources page. Hugs, Stephanie Byerly

          Reply

      3. 100% clearly explained & as a victim from sexual/physical abusive parents in childhood to years later a victim in an intimate relationship I can tell you clearly understand how victims overall wellbeing has been grossly compromised. Im 56 & was saved at age 19. During the years I suffered abuse as a child, my saving grace was being asked by several parents in my neighborhood if I’d be interested in babysitting. This resulted in 4 families who entrusted me with their children & made me feel valued tho they had no idea what I was being put thru at home. I am a strong woman of faith who has come to learn a lot by mean spirited selfish people in my life. Thru seeking wisdom from above & direction I hope good comes out of what I’ve had to experience.

        Reply

        1. Awe! Bless you. We join you in hoping and praying that good, even marvelous, things come out of the harm you have endured!

          Reply

    2. Thank you for this article. you do make wonderful points on how to tell between the two, but I might add to factor in health conditions in regards to the victim or the abuser having high blood pressure or fluctuating insulin levels, one should also consider if the person has a health condition such as diabetes. for inarance, if the abuser is an older person with diabetes and the victim is a younger person with a healthy blood pressure, this might be an exception towards what you are saying. however, yes, the trembling, shaking, at a loss for words does sound familiar. I tend to flee but have found myself losing my temper before or saying something in response which could have been taken as being emotionally abusive or mean to the other person who was abusing me, as that person was able to make jokes in public and appear happy in front of others to appear more innocent.

      Reply

      1. Great points to take into consideration. Ongoing emotional abuse within an intimate partnership can cause many health conditions and compromises a person’s physical well being. The door opens to many issues – especially autoimmune issues – but a diagnosis of those issues doesn’t change the fact that abuse is at the root of the physical and psychological stressors and conditions. Often, when the abuse ends and the victim is allowed time to heal, those medical conditions dissipate.

        Reply

    3. this is my issue as well. but at least it’s somewhat comforting to know that it isn’t totally my fault or your fault that it is the body’s reaction to self-defense.

      Reply

      1. Thank you for sharing, Susan. It’s so important to recognize that those reactions are often a natural response to experiencing harm or feeling unsafe. It’s not about blame—it’s not your fault—it’s your body’s way of protecting itself. I’m glad you found some comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this, and I hope this understanding brings you comfort as you continue your journey.

        Reply

  2. Thank you for this article. You have made me feel like someone understands. My husband recently had me arrested. I feel like I am going crazy and that everyone thinks that, too. It is so out of character for me. I am scared and feel broken. Since I am currently out on bond, I am not supposed to interact with him. I fear that if I go no contact, he will retaliate and I will face more consequences.

    Reply

    1. Gosh I am so sorry that you have gone through any of this. It is SO tragic. Grateful that you found validation and that you were “heard” and “seen” through this blog. We actually don’t even like the phrase reactive “abuse” because it implies that the victim’s response is abusive instead of being defensive as it usually is. I hope you are getting the healing you need and strength through any support services of therapy, with someone skilled in handling abuse. Blessings to you.

      Reply

  3. The information given on this site has opened my eyes & mind to what I have been going thru. I actually have had one of my children tell me both my husband & I were abusers within our relationship of 50 years. Mental health issues very similar to early dementia for my husband, along with serious physical disabilities of mine have complicated everything. I was feeling appalled that I may too be an abuser. My actions were regular verbal criticisms of his behaviors, but this was evolved over time after being shocked by his cruel verbal & emotional abuse. He hid his worst of course, so when I would criticize him, it sounded mean. Now that I understand, I have a new outlook of my own behavior. & a better ability to set healthier boundaries. Thank you for putting this educational information available for those who truly needed it & benefit from it.

    Reply

    1. Wow, Annette, we are so grateful you found our site and that it provided the clarity you needed to move ahead in health and wellness. We are sorry for what you experienced and also sorry for your husband’s increasing dementia. We hope for healing in your relationship with your children and that their eyes would be opened up to better understand what you were navigating within relationship. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com if we can support you further. Otherwise, keep reading the blogs – there’s a lot in there!! Warmly, Stephanie, M3ND Ex. Dirc.

      Reply

    2. ANNETTE CONRAD – I’m so glad you commented. What you wrote is almost exactly what has happened to me..
      Mental Health husband,, physical heath for me.
      My husband ramped up his verbal abuse – 18 months i put up with it.. I reached my limited and Reacted. I call it “taking off my kick me sign”.. He ordered me to get rid of a set ofI dishes. I got rid of them by dropping them on the floor.
      The other difference is my daughters blamed only me because he was telling them lies behind my back. And his abuse before I got ill was few and far apart. When she walked in the door, she grabbed me by both arms, and shoved me against a wall.
      Then she had my other daughter call the police on me for domestic violence.
      Thanks to you and the writer of this article, I feel more like a human being again.
      Also to the first responder policeman who saw thru the lies and threw my daughter out of the house for a day.
      No thanks to the 2nd one I had come to the house a few days later. He advised me I could not refuse to let my daughter come back to the house (she lived here, but my husband had sent her out of state to her sisters house for a month after she was thrown out so he had time to get her an apartment – She was 45 at the time)

      Reply

      1. Thanks for your feedback Cort. And for affirming Annette. I’m sorry for what you have been through. It’s amazing how well you managed to set good, strong boundaries and stay firm. We are proud of you and so grateful this article helped validate your experience and help you to feel sane!

        Reply

  4. *i apologize for the swear words im a retired army vet cut me some slack xD* 50 TIMES 50?!?! so do I get a special award for dealing with it FOR A DECADE?! you are 100% correct in that the victim is usually very empathetic… My Godmother told me when i was just a young child “You have a big heart mijo but don’t be so naive to think people won’t notice and take advantage of you” OH how right she was. I can not tell you how many times i have been burned for money burned for time or just any resource i can offer… it was not tell my COVERT NARC wife that the message my god mother gave me started to come to fruition…Honestly once you know what you’re dealing with and you see behind your spouse’s mask and get a look at their TRUE SELF, it can not be unseen… My wife had painted the PERFECT image of herself to all my friends, family, co-workers… so much to the point even my own father believed i was the one abusing her… or better yet my workout partner who literally interacted with her almost on a daily basis and she did not have the slightest clue… she would actually say to me BRO YOUR SO LUCKY your WIFE IS AMAZING MAN KEEPER FOR SURE! the whole time i’m thinking to myself oh well shit maybe my wife is right and i am just being too sensitive or over emotional… i was so convinced that I WAS THE PROBLEM NO MATTER what the issue I WOULD EVEN JUMP UP TO ACCEPT THE BLAME even if i HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! like holy red flags batman SEND HELP! even now in the middle of our divorce I STILL MISS HER AND STILL LOVE HER AND STILL WANT TO FIX HER AND OUR RELATIONSHIP! despite the fact I KNOW she is incapable of ever accepting ANY fault or even acknowledge that her behavior is TOXIC AF… i asked her today while she was visiting our sons… i said what is it about me that just makes you want to talk to me with disdain and look at me with contempt? what is it about me that makes it to where you are just incapable of being polite to me and treating me with the same respect i give you? INSTANTLY she SHUTS DOWN “this is why i dont even want to come around you or talk to you i dont have time for this” literally started standing up as if she was going to leave while i just served her a home cook meal… i said why do you do that? she said DO WHAT! i said that acting all defensive as if im attacking you when i simply asked you a question? you realize that is actually TOXIC AF right? and it makes you look really ugly and that is why once you divorce me every relationship after me will fail and it will be your fault… and i got up left the table and said see your self out when your done eating… i just cant even comprehend because i would NEVER treat someone this way even my enemy I would treat better then my wife treats me… the most disgusting part of it all being the male? NO ONE BELIEVES ME NO ONE so the moment i react to her abuse she says “DOES EVERYONE SEE THAT? THAT TEMPER? im walking on eggshells all day long around him” and i just give up like i think most men do and sit in shame and silence…

    Reply

    1. We are so sorry for all the abuse and double abuse you have experienced. We hope you are getting the support you need to heal. It is very hard, but you can overcome it in time. It is mind boggling to grasp what we have gone through. We respect your process. When you are ready, perhaps you’ll share your story on our website. Or, you can email it to me, info@themendproject.com. It would help other survivors, especially men, who need to hear other men’s stories. Bless you in your journey of healing. – Stephanie

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  5. do you have any resources for male victims of reactive abuse emotional mental and physical im even lying to my friends an coworkers about my injuries or avoiding people all together

    Reply

    1. Thanks for reaching out. Would you mind emailing us at info@themendproject.com? This would allow us to ask a few questions to help get you connected with the proper resources. I’m so sorry for what you are going through and we would love to be a support in your healing journey. If you’re not comfortable emailing, the best places to start are the National Domestic Violence Hotline (victims, supporters, responders call there and get help finding local resources as they have a large resource list) (800.799.SAFE (7233).) Also, reach out to your local domestic violence agency as they often have the best local resources to help you or might actually have classes, therapy or legal services at low to no cost to assist you in this season.

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  6. This article describes my relationship with my wife to a T. Everyone thinks she is amazing. She treats our kids like she should treat me. I have been her whipping boy for over 25 years. At first I tried to be understanding and responsive to her, as I was taught. That only gave her more power. I started reacting abusively. Your descriptions of the shame and confusion are spot on. Things came to a breaking point right after the COVID lockdowns began. We got into a major fight and I lost it. She left for 2 weeks with our teenaged sons. I was labeled the abuser and she played the victim card masterfully. I was forced to move out. After a few months, we began couples counseling. That only made things worse because the counselor sympathized with her and could not believe that she could be the abuser. Several months later, we began seeing a different counselor separately. I have been going through EMDR trauma therapy with him for nearly 2 years. It has helped a lot and he is finally beginning to be open to the idea that she has been abusive.

    DO you have any materials for male abuse victims? It would be very helpful if you have any scholarly articles.

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    1. Dave! We are so glad that you received such clarity from this blog. It is truly an eye opener for victims of abuse, who often carry a lot of shame from their reactions and confusion as to whether they are the abuser. So happy to hear that you are in therapy getting healing for the trauma you have experienced. We hope you keep at it. We have a special cohort for victims/survivors which begins on 1/24 for 4 weeks. If you sign up to receive training information you will get a link to register. That would be really an excellent source for continued clarity and healing for you. As far as resources for male victims, I am providing some links to some articles for you to look at. But I also want to say how sorry I am regarding the dearth of resources for male victims. I hope that will change and you will have access to more support over time. Here you go, and don’t hesitate to reach out for more resources or support on our website or by email at info@themendproject.com. https://bmchealthservres.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12913-020-05931-x; Studies on Male Victims (UK)Male Victims of DV (Journal of Family Violence)

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  7. Thank you. I am experiencing that. I was the victim I put a restraining order against my fiancé who hit me. I was trying to self defense and he took pix of his bruises and more and then he go to police and put me a restraining order against me. very unfair I am a mother. What i need to do? help ?

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    1. Ingrid, we are so thankful that you are reading our blogs and commenting. I am really sorry for everything you have been through and am glad that you understand more about reactive abuse through the resources we provide. If you go to the training page you’ll find recordings of our intensives and there’s one on reactive abuse that our Founder, Annette Oltmans, taught. Your situation is very difficult but unfortunately common. Often, the police do not understand reactive abuse nor do the courts. It sounds important that you seek legal counsel to help you ensure your custody rights are not affected by the restraining order. In particular, you’ll want to make sure they are well-versed in issues of abuse and reactive abuse, possibly sharing our website with them to help them understand that your actions were in self defense not to abuse. You could also reach out to Wings for Justice, an excellent nonprofit that might have good resources and counsel for you to make sure you protect your custody rights with your children in light of the restraining orders. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com.

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  8. This is exactly what has been going on with me for decades. I now know Ihave to get out of this emotionally abusive marriage. And no one will understand why. They all tell me he loves me very much. He comes out smelling like a rose.

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    1. Gosh, we are so sorry that you have been dealing with this for so many years. We hope you will find the clarity and healing you need. Please consider joining us for one of our upcoming courses for survivors to learn more and to find healing you deserve. If you are interested in some referrals for you and your husband, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at info@themendproject.com.

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  9. This article is frightening. As a child of an abusive parent, this justification of their abuse or so-called “defense” really upsets me. You are promoting, celebrating, and encouraging this behavior, taking guilt away from abusers and enabling them to continue hurting more people. You cannot excuse or justify what has happened to me at the hands of my abusive parent.I have had a happy life robbed from me as a result of this kind of person. My other parent (who you would label as the abuser regardless of whether this parent is or not) has tried everything to heal the family. This parent does everything possible to make peace. My abusive parent, however, will find issues from the past or make up events to be angry about. Any attempt to tell this parent that the events are not reality is narcissistic, gaslighting behavior. Calling this parent abusive, or trying to get help is emotional abuse. This parent abuses physically with hitting me or destroying my stuff. I have some very, very clear and painful memories of this parent even throwing my beloved pets around the house and threatening to get rid of them. This parent is neglectful as well, leaving the house to “escape” leaves me stranded and prevents me from going to places to fulfill responsibilities like work and school. This parent will undress in front of me to try to get me to go away. This parent has called me many names I can’t repeat here. This parent is not doing this in defense of emotional abuse that this parent fabricates or exaggerates. My other parent is not an emotional abuser
    or narcissist, like you would suggest. A normal life has been stolen from me as a result of this “defensive reaction”. I have gone through incredible amounts of pain at the hands of this parent. Yet you tell them they have nothing to be guilty of, and that their reaction is neither abusive or wrong. I don’t see how you can claim this. The truth is, you have no authority to do so. You aren’t dealing with patients except online, so you have no real experience as far as I can tell. You claim you are a researcher, yet don’t list any sources. You are merely an organization that profits on comforting and encouraging abusers, by giving articles made of pure opinion. Even your name is misleading: you are the MEND project, but you encourage people to leave their families, never thinking about the people they leave behind. I believe you were one of these reactive abusers. There’s no other way in which I can see how you would justify the abuse that was done to me. Even as I write this response, my abusive parent is threatening me and my other parent. And this, this is ok with you. It’s not abuse, it’s not even wrong. Your words are freeing abusers from the guilt they should be feeling for their actions. You are equipping them to do even more, with no conscience to hold them back. Please, revise this article. Think about the victims of reactive abuse. Stop allowing and encouraging abusers to continue to hurt people. As I am writing this. My abusive parent is using the words found in this article to justify her behavior. She is actively empowered to hurt me more because of you. Is that what you want?

    I understand that my comment is likely going to be taken down. If it is, I suppose that proves my point that you care nothing for the people suffering under the hands of “reactive defense”, and only wish to help abusers feel better about themselves.

    Reply

    1. Thank you for taking the time to share your response to the Reactive Abuse article we published. We are so sorry this article was used against you by your abusive parent. What you are describing is not reactive abuse, it is abuse; your parent is using the material to justify their behaviors, gaslight, blame-shift, and attack the real victims in your family. This is unfortunately common for abusers to do. But you are right, there is no justification or excuse for the systematic verbal attacks and other forms of abuse happening to you and I am sorry you felt that is what we were saying; it was not our intention. As you have shared, it is particularly harmful and so tough for children to grow up in an abusive house, especially if that abuse is directed at them.

      People who systemically abuse will say and do just about anything to justify their harmful behaviors and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. For added clarity, many professionals say that abusers have responsibility deficit disorder, meaning they refuse to accept responsibility for their thoughts, behaviors, past trauma symptoms and learning healthy new skills to communicate. Please also know that it is very common for abusers to label the true victim(s) as abusers in another attempt to blame others for their actions.

      Reactive abuse is not an excuse for anyone. It is an explanation used for professionals to know they need to look deeper into any situation before making assumptions about who the abuser is.

      It wasn’t clear to me if your parents are separated so you may have a safe space with your non-abusive parent where you will not be continually traumatized by abuse directed at you. We hope so and, if not, recommend you and your non-abusive parent seek therapy or other support even from a DV agency who can provide or refer you to therapy, support groups, or other resources to help you heal.

      Finally, we are so sorry you are going through this and that our article was taken out of context and weaponized against you. Our next survivor course is taking place in April. If you feel comfortable, we would love to have you and your parent join us so you can feel supported and gain more clarity on your situation and how to respond to the abusive parent/spouse. You can find out more information on our training and curriculum page on our website.

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    2. I’m so sorry what you’re going through. Curious what “ abuse” would your abusive parent say is coming from your non abusive parent ? I trust your judgement of course because you live there. You see. I’m so sorry your abusive parent found this article and is using it against you to bolster herself. I’m guessing you’re a minor ? Can you reach out to your school counselor ? I hope you find the help you need and can get away from your abuser. Why doesn’t your non abusive parent take you away w them somewhere else fee of this abuse ? Hugs

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    3. I feel this article was not justifying the abuse you endure.I think maybe this article may not be intended for your situation,I hope you are able to find support and help for your situation.No one should have to go through abuse.

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  10. I have suffered sexual abuse (harassment),discrimination (namecalling) and severe forms of gaslighting abuse by police, fire and emergency management personnel along with my daughter being raped by a prison officer after i received verbal threats of rape to me and harm to my daughter. This has been going on for 5 years often resulting in job losses to me all the while being trafficked by my former partner.

    These people are extremely exploitative. I have often reached out for help only to be told by “lawyers” that I should not worry because bullying happens all the time along with another lawyer minimising the name calling abuse that I endured and suffered with my former partner. I am discusted at the fact that the people that I need to protect me are actually emotionally unavailable towards me and have completely broken down any trust that I ever had in justice. I to have found myself emotionally reactive particularly with angry outbursts at the sick level of injustice covertly carried out on me and my family. I feel particularly angry when sexual gestures are used towards me by these people who behave as though they have a right to abuse.

    Who can I trust ? Everywhere that I have turned, I am blamed for their abuse and my feelings are minimised.

    Reply

    1. Oh goodness, we are so sorry what you have gone through and know how challenging it is to deal with. It is all too common for the true victim to be treated as a criminal, the abuser or the guilty one. It’s not OK and yet it feels unavoidable. If you are able to, perhaps to step away for a while so you avoid reacting out of a trauma response until your trauma symptoms heal more. As we said in the article, many reactions are involuntary and can actually complicate the issues the victim is already dealing with through no fault of theirs. I’m not sure where you are at on your healing journey, but if you’re able to step away, regroup and dig deep into education and healing before responding, please do. Also, if you have domestic violence agencies or health agencies who provide support groups, group counseling or other therapeutic treatment, you might be able to build a new community who understands what you have experienced. You may find new friends who are trustworthy and can encourage you along the way.

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  11. Hi, thank you for this article. My ex did exactly those methods to me. When she saw that little by little I began to stand up to her, with facts, spoken calmly she became even more rageful with lots if word salad, or claiming not to understand etc etc. I am very sure there was a sort if other reality with her friends and family, in that, a narrative was believed by them that I was never privy to. They’d all smile etc but for me it was extremely disrespectful and hurtful and hugely dishonest. I constantly felt like a sort of intruder, looking for authenticity knowing all along it was otherwise. And it made them all feel good about their own elephants in the room

    Reply

    1. I am so glad it was helpful to you. The more clarity we get through education and understanding the more able we are to set firm and healthy boundaries without reacting in destructive ways. I hope you’re journey of healing continues in strength.

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    2. I really get this. My ex’s family was divorced. Both side knew of his pornography, erotic roleplaying, convert narcissism, restraining me from leaving, or tracking me down to drive me back. They never said or did anything about it. Never helped him or me. When I finally reached the reacting point, and told him to leave, had to because I was disabled, no family or in-laws to turn to, no money because of being disabled, and that disability… results from on going abuse before and during the marriage. I had no power so when I could make him leave by threat of police intervention. He’d go stay with either side and they always say the same thing (he made sure to tell me when he was angry) ‘Well they think believed you’re the one with the problem. Even when a couple years back, in an attempt of somewhat reconciling, he finally admitted to them what he had done to me for a decade. Same. Response. It does hurt like an sob. Not having family to back you up or give the benefit of the doubt is soul crushing and I’m sorry you’ve endured so much with his family, friends, on your own

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      1. AARGHH!! We are with you in the frustration. I believe some of this stems from cultural gender bias that still somehow places women as the responsible one for a man’s sexually-based actions. So that no matter what, she is blamed. Hopefully, this tide is changing as more step out and stand up against it. We bless you in your journey and are grateful you are still learning, reading, growing and LIVING in freedom. Consider joining us for one of our upcoming courses for survivors. We are mid-course right now for one, but also have a self-paced course and will be doing another live course in January or February. Take a look at our training and curriculum page for more details.

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  12. I stayed in my violent verbally/emotionally abusive (plus one slap across the face and one rape) marriage for 25 years before I finally divorced him. I suffer with now treatment resistant depression, anxiety, c-PTSD, Fibromyalgia and ulcerative colitis (UC). The UC came close to killing me, and it is what made me realize that I would die if I stayed in the marriage any longer. It took my GI doctors about 6-7 years to finally get the disease under control with one every day oral medication and one injectable med once a week…and me divorcing my husband and no longer being around him, of course. At one point I looked like a concentration camp victim, just skin and bones, from the 20 or more bouts of bloody diarrhea every day.

    My daughter was 19 years old when I divorced her father. She will be 35 in May and has been married for eight years. She has always believed, and her husband agrees, that it takes two to destroy a marriage. They have repeatedly told me that I have to take responsibility for the choices that I made in marrying my husband and then not leaving sooner due to any ill treatment. They won’t accept any reason that I give them for how the whole nightmare played out over time and why I stayed. As far as they’re concerned, it’s equally my fault. I have vehemently rejected their viewpoint, but they just accuse me of playing the victim and not wanting to admit to my role in what occurred in the marriage. This has been killing me ever since the divorce. It’s caused my relationship with my daughter to be on shaky ground. I’ve been called weak and pathetic, a liar and told that I choose to live with a victim mentality.

    Your article, What Most Miss About Reactive Abuse, is the first one I’ve come across on this topic. I’m wondering if it might help my family understand that I wasn’t at fault for my husband’s abuse. I wanted to print it out for my daughter and her husband to read, but it won’t print out correctly. Each page has some lines or paragraph left out no matter what I try. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the header across the top of the page about “New Training Starting Soon” or what. Could you please look into this issue and correct it if possible?
    Thank you…Bev

    Reply

    1. Bev, We are so grateful you are on a healing path and that you have taken steps to place yourself in a safe environment. It’s amazing how much this article has helped people understand themselves, their ex-partners and people who have seen the abusive relationship from the outside. I will email a pdf of the article to you. It is so hard to understand emotional abuse from within the relationship and equally hard if not harder to understand it from the outside. Kids living within it grow up not being able to distinguish or name the roles each parent plays or recognize the subtleties of covert control and manipulation. It’s unfortunately far too common for survivors to be accused they are playing the victim when they take a long time to heal (CPTSD can take many years to heal and more if you do not have the right help in healing) and remain firm in their position of who was the abuser in the relationship. I hope you have therapeutic support and can find ways to take good care of yourself and help place firm boundaries that are healthy with your children and their spouses.I am not sure they will understand even through reading this if they are firmly set in their perception that, even in abusive relationships, both people are equally responsible for the abuse. That said, that doesn’t mean survivors don’t have any self-work to do. Of course there is. Even more when you’re trying to overcome the trauma of an abusive relationship. I would encourage you to attend our Free workshop this Wednesday at 10 a.m. PST (I’ll email the link but it’s also on our website). I would also encourage you to join us for the new training you saw on the banner of our website. It will help to give you words and ways to explain and describe your experience to help yourself and those who want to understand better. Take care and don’t hesitate to reply to my email and set a time to chat with someone on our team. I’m sure Annette would love to speak with you.

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      1. Thank you for the encouragement and the link to the pdf for the specific article. I don’t know if it will change my family members’ minds, but hopefully it will at least give them something to think about from someone else besides myself. The article sure helped me understand how I acted in ways so out of character for myself when my now Ex came at me with his violent tirades and gaslighting for all those years.
        God bless,
        Bev A.

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  13. Thank you, thank you. I finally have a name, an explanation for years of cumulative abuse and my volatile outbursts to it. It was my survival tactic and that’s exactly how it felt: critical, desperate attempts to be seen, heard and acknowledged that the continual verbal and emotional abuse was killling me inside and it needed to stop (it never stopped). And yes, everyone thinks he’s wonderful; I see him very well in your article and posted replies. The only thing I did not see referenced that was part of my abuse experience was how abuse can play with your mind, get into your head.. He knew just what to say to make me feel insignificant, like nothing to him and if I didn’t do certain things he would find someone who would. I dreamt (more than once) that I was lying in bed in the middle of the night…and rolled over to find my husband having sex with someone else, right there, right next to me. After one incident, I retreated to my bed absolutely defeated, crying, staring at the ceiling – the ceiling looked like it was a mile away, like I was in a deep well. Once I dreamt that I was sitting in my car. The car was suspended in the air. Suddenly, parts of my car started falling away: the side mirror, the door…etc. The only thing that glared at me when I woke up was the fact that I was not sitting in the driver’s seat of my own vehicle. What is this effect of abuse? ps. even though I had finally left him, I still developed clinical depression, requiring medication a couple years later.

    Reply

    1. Goodness! I’m thrilled you found this blog and got clarity about your relationship dynamics and responses of defense. It’s amazing how symbolic and instructive your dream was; sounds like you are now in the driver’s seat. Congratulations! Everything you are saying is accurate and we teach about it in our courses. I would encourage you to head to our tools and resources page on our website and take a look at our training workshop videos and our training page and sign up for an upcoming course for anyone who has been in an abusive relationship or those who are in high-conflict relationships. We talk about the roots of abuse, the effects of abuse, trauma, PTSD, and complex PTSD, and much more. Or provide us with your email so you may get notice of upcoming training opportunities. We would love to have your participation!

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  14. I see.

    My wife repeatedly trying to murder me was in fact my fault.

    Good to know.

    Do you tell rape victims they shouldn’t have worn a short skirt too?

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    1. I am so sorry to hear about your situation with your wife or ex-wife. There are male abusers and female abusers, male and female victims, as well as other forms of violence which are not part of abusive relationship dynamics, such as situational violence. I do not know what your situation is. However, where there is an abuser whose victim is reacting violently, the violent reactions won’t continue when the abuse stops. Moreover, it is key for victims to understand their reactions and learn how to address the trauma, set boundaries, or leave the relationship without reacting violently. Due to the brain’s response to ongoing trauma this can be very difficult to do without help, as the reaction is often involuntary. With respect to your question about rape victims, the statement itself focuses only on the victim and not on the rapist. Our “advice” would be that the rapist should stop raping. Nothing the rape victim does justifies rape. What they are wearing is irrelevant.

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      1. Violence is a choice in the face of no violence from the other party.

        “They called me names so I stabbed them” is a ridiculous position to take, and here you are advocating it.

        Worse, when the initial claim of name calling can be asserted whilst being completely untrue.

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        1. The point of sharing about reactive abuse is to explain the involuntary response recurring abuse can cause. People are more capable of learning how to control their responses through awareness of the brain’s response to their abusive partner. It is not uncommon for someone to react in an abusive situation in ways that are uncharacteristic for them which can be confusing or distressing. Most want to control their reactions better and this helps them to do so. But regarding your point, “they called me names so I stabbed them,” has nothing to do with the academic basis of this article, nor is this oversimplified statement indicative of an abusive situation. Using false accusations to defend someone’s own abusive or violent actions is not at all uncommon for an abuser. In that case, the violence would not be considered reactive abuse. And it would be untrue for the abuser to claim they are the victim. That is all too common, unfortunately.

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  15. Thank you for this article. I’ve been married for over 32 years, and during our marriage, I’ve been continuously lying to my wife about watching pornography and smoking, bit things we agreed when we got married that I would stop. I really want to stop looking at porn because I realize how destructive it is. I’ve made a decision to quit, and I am planning to see a therapist who is trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

    I am trying my best to hear my wife and to empathize with how she feels. When she is triggered, she will unleash a whole slew of insults, abusive language, and belittle comments about me. I am trying to see all of this from her perspective, but at times I lose it and yell back at her. I am interested in your thoughts about ways I can prepare myself when my wife needs to vent and get rid of the poison that I inflicted on her.

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    1. Wow, Ben, thank you for your honesty and transparency. I can imagine how hard this is for both of you but am grateful you are doing the work. I would encourage you to have3d party accountability person do any internet tracking review or email review to protect your marriage as it takes some weight off you and your wife. Also, I would encourage you to speak with your therapist about ways you can prepare yourself for responding to your wife when she lashes out. Start by recognizing how your behaviors have hurt her and finding compassion for her in that place. Becoming aware of that while at the same time knowing you are in the process of changing can help you remain calm. If she is not getting help, it might help her to speak with someone who can give her some tools to help deal with her own anger and to take responsibility for her responses. Empathy, compassion and knowledge will help prepare your heart for her anger. But she may also need a supportive ear and guide to help her process productively and in a manner that brings healing long term. Don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com if we can help any more.

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    2. BenGoodLuck, it’s think its really commendable that you recognize the dangers of regular porn use and you are addressing the problem and seeking actual help. There are many studies that demonstrate how porn use affects the brain, can cause impotence and also alter your attraction for your partner. It is cheating, because your sexual needs are being met by someone else and the reward centers in your brain are firing when looking at others, therefore reinforcing a false connection to fantasy. I really commend your want to change and I wish you the best of luck i. this difficult endeavor.
      I am having this issue w my current partner. I am aware if the trust issues I have from being cheated on by an ex husband who had a bad porn habit. Looking at porn is one thing, but crossing over into chatting and live interaction is another; which is what I have good reason to suspect my partner has done in the past. I thought he would accountable to me, cause every so often I’ll ask him calmly how he’s doing with the temptation., but 3 times I found online stuff unintentionally the first couple times, and intentionally this third time, because I had a feeling, and was right. He lied to my face. I am having difficulty believing his pleas that he was not chatting. He responded in a manner that makes it seem like he’s aware of how it hurts me and hurts our relationship, yet I don’t see any real action toward change. My thought it that he will never admit he was chatting, because he knows I’ll be done if he was, and that he’s just going to try to hide it better rather than get real help. .Your sex is the gift you give to your partner when you commit. Yes, porn use a betrayal to yourself and your partner. I hope you are successful as it will give me hope

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  16. After a 12 year marriage to a serial cheater & covert narcissist- I find myself in this Rollercoaster of shame for my outbursts over the years. The level of confusion & fog I’m feeling as I witness friends & family rally around him to “support” him and protect him from me. I spent a looong time in denial about the state of our marriage- even as therapists told me our marriage is abusive. I had excuses for him, I had known him since grade 5!. When I finally snapped in year 12. I didn’t just yell- I slapped him so many times after a shocking discovery of chats with his girlfriend about me- & his non chalant “I owe you no explanation attitude”! The instant regret & shame had me tucking tail & apologizing for months for being physical. While he paraded his swollen cheek, & a secret recordings of our arguments. We are now divorced & he is now openly dating his girlfriend- who happens to already have 2of his kids. I was shocked & so beaten to know that his entire family knew about these children for 6yrs in our marriage. They collectively have supported his excuses that he was pushed by my abusive behaviour to seek a whole new woman & children. I am struggling to get out of this train of thought myself as well. The cycle of self blame he preached to me for over a decade. That I should fix myself – else any partner I have will cheat. It is so confusing & distressing to silently watch as people treat & call you abusive using real life events without true context or perspective. I question my own sense of self. My character. I’m constantly trying to fix, & nit pick my own behaviors. It’s traumatic. This article puts into words things I feel but could find words to express or explain. Thank you.

    Reply

    1. You put this so well, “It is so confusing & distressing to silently watch as people treat & call you abusive using real life events without true context or perspective.” They can have so much power over you when your self esteem has been dwindling through an abusive spouses actions and intentions. Their mistaken accusations attach to the low self esteem and the internal thought process becomes a battle of self doubt, self condemnation and confusion. I am SO glad you found our blog and recognize why you reacted the way you reacted. But for the abuse by your ex, you would not have lashed out. Still, the negative thought cycle can be hard to overcome, I know. Your awareness of the negative thoughts of self-blame puts you in a position to respond to them in effective ways that will change the internal dialogue into a positive and self affirming one. We have a number of blogs on these things – speaking aloud to yourself in response to the negative thoughts and speaking positive counter thoughts to break through. Of course, EMDR, therapy, meditation and a number of other things can be helpful as well. But speaking the positive out loud (it affects your brain differently when the brain hears audible positive thoughts and reactions spoken to it out loud, allowing it to shift and over time break the negative cycle). Don’t hesitate to connect with us as you go and heal. info@themendproject.com. Much love and healing to you, Stephanie

      Reply

    2. Your story is heartbreaking! Every cheater loves to make the ex wife look so unstable, with their deceit. I hope you are past this and in a better place. I found great solace in a website called Chump Lady, which specifically advocates leaving cheating spouses, and breaks down their manipulative thought process and behavior, so you can stop blaming yourself for “driving him into the arms of another woman.”
      It’s complete bs, and don’t believe it! He had every other option besides tripping and falling into another woman’s V, as they like to present they’re betrayal in such a nonchalant light. The testimonials of others got me through some of my darkest times, and I hope you find strength to take care of yourself and keep being the badass devoted mom you most likely are.

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  17. This is exactly my experience not only with my mother growing up but describes my husband to a T. I left home at 17, and my marriage has lasted 17 years. I guess 17 is my limit.
    Thank you for writing this it is so validating
    🙏🏻

    Reply

    1. Awww…we are so glad you found us. Scour our website and take a look at our free trainings (click on the link within the Training & Curriculum page to learn more. I’m so sorry that you have been dealing with abuse for such a long time, first as a child and now. We hope you find peace with clarity and joy. Reach out to us anytime: info@themendproject.com. Bless you.

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  18. this has put a lot into perspective for me. i`m not sure if i can consider my behavior reactive abuse all of the time but most of the time this is what happens in my house with my mother and sister. i try to stay out of arguments as much as possible and when i am caught in them i find it very difficult to leave. my brain sees it as a failure and i am rarely aware of what happens during but i can yell & say mean & hurtful things. when i am berated and criticized, usually into doing things like chores as my family does not like to clean, i can act in ways that are very uncharacteristic for me, screaming, banging on doors, pushing, etc, and it makes me feel guilty, and scared, like i have no control over myself. of course this is not the only example of abuse; my mother has abused me since i was a child & continues to this day. i am constantly accused of doing things i did not do, acting out of spite, being an ungrateful child, and my sister defends my mother`s behavior & exhibits it towards me as well because she is also a victim of abuse and neglect from my mother, and the more praise my mother gives her the more inclined she is to defend her because she wants her approval. at this point i just want to heal, and if my family heals that`s great, but i`m not going to risk my sanity to stick around and find out once i move out. the reality that i will never have a good relationship with my family is setting in and i am absolutely heartbroken but this at least helped me come to terms with some of what has happened to me, thank you

    Reply

    1. We are so glad this article provided you with a clearer understanding of your experiences. Understanding how the brain helps you to defend against ongoing abuse will help to take more control over your own responses and guide you to the appropriate help for your circumstance. It can be so helpful to come up with a plan for how you will respond when you are verbally attacked, criticized, or shut down. It can be very helpful to seek advice from a counselor if you have access, or even confidentially through a domestic violence shelter. Blessings to you as you continue to heal.

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  19. This article is so ridiculously validating!
    I still don’t believe two wrongs make a right, but this educates one on the insidiousness of some emotionally intelligent abusers who antagonize the victim covertly and know how to wear down the victim so they are not functioning optimally or healthily,
    The flight or fight or freeze response is real, and when your abuser keeps advancing after you’ve flown and tried to create space, by not respecting your boundaries or giving you the space to calm down and process, you then feel kike animal backed into a corner being insulted and screamed at, and they use your natural reaction against you.
    Same when you try to talk things through and express feelings calmly and carefully,, without shaming or blaming; yet you’re told that your feelings are bs and everything you say can and will be used against you.
    You just learn to shut your mouth, because you don”t know how to articulate anything without being attacked, you’re in total shock tht a person who loves you is treating you this way, land now you’re accused of giving them the silent treatment; when you’ve literally hit a wall, even after you’ve sincerely apologized or tried to tell them what they demanded to hear.
    The trauma is real and lasting, and I work hard to let it go, move past and focus on my own behaviors, years after the relationship ended, but it still comes up every so often, and these articles are a great reminder that I did experience what I experienced, and the best thing was letting that relationship go.

    Reply

    1. So glad you found validation in this article. Awareness about reactive abuse and the involuntary nature of it allows the victim to learn how to react differently which is an important part of their healing journey. Too many victims wonder if they are also the abuser or feel significant shame about how they reacted long after they have left their abuser. We hope they glean understanding and find grace for themselves from it.

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    2. Just sending respect and love. Thank you for your comments. No one deserves abuse. I hope you live your best life!

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  20. You shared a great article. I would like to appreciate your time and effort in creating this meaningful information. Reactive abuse is often misunderstood and overlooked, leading to victim-blaming and misplaced sympathy. It’s crucial to recognize that reacting to abuse is a defense mechanism, not a sign of aggression. Empathy and education are vital in breaking the cycle and supporting survivors to foster a safer environment for all.

    Reply

  22. This is my experience. I’m the reactive victim. I’ve been strong for years and tempered my responses to his abuse. I don’t see a way out, even with straight A’s in college.

    I just want a quiet life where I can provide for my kiddos and myself in peace. No more screaming, threatening, dysfunction, or abuse. I want so badly to do this—just to have a chance to do the right thing in peace.

    Reply

    1. Gosh, I am so sorry you have been going through this and are struggling to find a peaceful place in which you can succeed. I would encourage you to reach out the National Domestic Violence Hotline to identify some services in your local area that might help you get to the next level. Maybe even a residential place you can go with your children. Or even low to no cost specialized therapy services that can help you achieve the peace you deserve. We are here to support you however we can. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com

      Reply

  23. Today was a difficult day for me. I had a court hearing for a TRO that my ex put on me. On paper I was made out to look like this abusive prick. But I know that was far from true. When I was standing in the courtroom, I was standing alone and in a courtroom full of women. On her side, she had 3 lawyers from a firm representing her. I couldn’t find the words and definition of the type of “abuse” I was constantly receiving until a ran across the term “Reactive abuse or in this article Reactive defense”. I was afraid to defend myself in court because the judge kept implying these are seriously allegations and the consequences could be bad. Being that its a civil case and not criminal. The judge gets to determine if your guilty or not by whos telling the better story. I was sure to lose. Im no lawyer and nor can I afford one. (PD’s don’t work on civil cases)

    Being that I am a musician and music producer, Im constantly out in public and networking/ relationships are most important. The most major thing that would upset me is that she’d constantly rip me in front of my peers, or worse “sass” friends/ managers/ partners because she couldn’t contain herself for whatever reason she come up with in that moment. It was destructive and sabotaging to my business and friendships that I’ve built over the years. No matter how many different ways I’d try, it would always happen again and again. We’d talk about things when we get home and I would just snap cause I couldn’t understand why she would continue to ruin me like that. Then to add fuel to the fire, she would sit there with a blank stare and say nothing. Always making me feel like Im overreacting or worse, she’d start to feel threatened. I’ve never hit her and would never hit her. Thats something I can control. I would get in her face once and a while then ask her “What the fk is your problem!”. Id be in tears, pulling my hair, and just hurt beyond words that someone you love can do fk’ed up shit and be so cold at the same time. Scenarios like this would happen all the time. Fast forward, the last scenario was similar but it was our last. She got a friend involved which seemed like my ex painted this picture of me as a psycho. Same with her other friends, and her family. I was arrested, served a TRO. I was kicked out of our apartment. Had to move out my things and now Im staying at my auntie’s house and other places in town. My life has completely been flipped upside down, all while she gets to point the finger. Now, Im constantly left wondering what I should’ve, could’ve done but now theres no going back. Its an amazing and yet fk’ed up lesson to deal with.

    As for now, coming across an article like this and a few others is helping me now to identify what I’ve been dealing with for over a year. It’s very sad for me. I don’t want to go thru any of this. But I appreciate that someone out there has put something into words that understands somewhat of what Im going thru.

    Thank you

    Reply

    1. we are so glad you’re finding clarity through our educational blogs. I’m truly sorry for the pain and destruction the abusive relationship has caused in your life and, in particular, for you. We hope you find continual healing and renewal of healthy relationships with those you love most.

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  24. OH my gosh, ive done this. And he calls me unstable and abusive. I’ve never reacted this way to another human being, I DO NOT start fights, pick fights. He does, and you can try to let it go, ignore it, not respond all you want like some so called professionals say to do, but a person has their limits. You can only take so much before you lose your mind and engage. They provoke, and push, and press buttons until they get a reaction. I have NEVER fought with another human being, but him….he forces it. Then I am the one that is called unstable. This is such a relief to read this.

    Reply

    1. Oh my goodness! Your words validate me in the work we do writing these blogs. Truly, this blog has given so many people the deepest clarity and understanding. I am beyond touched and grateful that you found us and this work has given you relief as well as a knowledge and better understanding about what is going on inside of you to make you respond in atypical ways. I would encourage you to seek support in learning how to respond effectively and/or consider separating from the abusive situation while you get some strength through healing. If reactive defense is involved then it seems there’s ongoing trauma taking place which can impact your health and mental wellbeing long term. You can find support by connecting with a local domestic violence agency who likely has classes and support groups that can be very helpful to you or, if you choose, a place to shelter you and possibly your children, if any, should you decide to leave for your own safety. One of the biggest mistake victims of psychological abuse make is assuming that if there is no physical assault taking place they can weather the storm without as great of an impact on their physical health. Working with an expert therapist (and some DV agencies provide therapy at low to no cost to survivors in their care (in shelter or not)) will help you immensely in navigating the stormy waters you are in. Love and healing to you! Stephanie

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  25. I’m so…I honestly had lost hope for the last couple of days. Yesterday and the day before. This article has given me that hope back. I’m literally shaking…
    I’ve been in a 12 year relationship with my ex. Over that time I felt like my brain was being ripped apart, along with my heart amd soul. During our relationship I learned he was a covert narcissist. He had a pornography and erp addiction. He said he loved me and I was the only one he wanted. I was his dream girl. So when we would go through cycles of distance, he’d say he wasn’t doing anything, He’d become less affectionate, defensive when we spoke, and ultimately me for the distance because we were always talling and fighting about it, I’d react by trying to give space, or flee once i felt threatened, I’d be restrained or chased down or money taken away so I couldn’t leave. I also had disability issues since before our relationship, so there were times i couldn’t get out of bed and he refused to give me space or heal when things got really bad.
    When i or anyone spoke to him, he was gentle speaking. Never argued in his family (because of his own bg of bigotry and neglect. I saw those things and why I was patient with him. But with me, he’d lie, deny, tell me i was crazy. And when he started yelling and screaming at me. He taught me his emotional outbursts were never his fault, They were mine. The fights that came to a head, was because I’d try to understand what was happening and why he was cycling, why was he was cheating. If i was wrong, I’d beg him to tell me why were things getting worse not better. It didn’t matter what i did, i reasoned, gave space, i cried, i offered alternatives approaches to heal our relationship, i offered to end if i made him that unhappy. He would tell me his bad behavior was my fault. Having feelings about what was happening, my fault, Him relapsing, my fault. This would go on for weeks, if not months. Then…I’d finally break. I resort to self harm and suicidal thoughts. Then when it kept going pastvthat I’d react… I’m still crushed and remember everytime i finally broke and lashed out physically at him. I hated what i did when I did it. I genuinely thought I was nuts, And every reactive episode, I walked away believing I was an abuser too. I had to be if i got that bad. He made sure to tell me too. Usually when he cycled through his addiction again. I was told by him, his family, multiple marriage counselors, i was being equally abusive. Many believed i was the reason for his repeated emotional infidelity. Then when we all found out he had high functioning autism… it got worse. While a lot of his behavior became understandable, he refused to get counseling or help himself understand and live with his disability. It got worse. It became the new excuse why he wasn’t responsible for any of his actions or self care. I got diagnosed with ptsd and cptsd because of what went on in our relationship. I had chronic pain and illness before we ever got together. But my disability meant my outbursts were unreasonable and abusive. To the outside world he was the victim and I was a disabled, erractic, lazy unemployed, no family jerk. And if i finally kicked him out of the house after months of begging to fix things on our own, it that meant i was guilty of being the abuser. Never mind it took threatening police to get him to leave because he refused to give me space, wouldn’t let me leave, and would restrain me.
    I got so low I couldn’t trust myself anymore. So I looked on his devices. Found out everything he said he wasn’t doing, was bs. Printed stuff he did, accounts he made, and far worse behavior. I made recordings of interactions we had when the same arguments he’d use popped up again. This was a collection of stuff I put together as proof to myself, I wasn’t f-ing crazy. That saved me. It never erased the guilt I felt over …those damn days I finaly hit my breaking point and lost control…sad thing is yesterday i spoke with my counselor who said the same thing. I needed to be responsible for those times i ever got physical with. That he doesn’t feel safe with me because of what i did to him. When the day before he emotionally destroyed me again.
    I was bawling my eyes out and once again questioning, am i equally abusive?…. Because of this article i can say no i wasn’t crazy, i know who i am, i know what happened, I did everything to save our marriage against the emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, financial abuse, repeated gaslighting, and infidelity. … i loved and cared about my ex. I understood him, supported him, was patient with him. Now i see those times i broke, I am not an abuser, i reacted…
    Today this article saved me again. Thank you so much Mend for what you wrote. I will print this for me as a reminder should i ever get lost or confused againi God bless you.

    Reply

    1. Gosh, we are so thankful to hear how this article impacted you positively. We say that clarity is the first necessary step to healing. Being able to understand more about your circumstances or present and past experiences helps to separate your self from what is happening, label it appropriately, and make careful, wise choices about how to respond. We hope you will continue to read through our materials and join us for one of our trainings – we have a self-paced course for survivors and also a course that we do 3 times per year in which Annette, our Founder, hosts live lessons via zoom during which participants can ask questions and share their own stories. Take care of you and God bless and protect you. Stephanie

      Reply

  26. This article has helped me understand my current situation. Deep down I know I’m not deserving the abuse or being abusive but confused why I even say anything back at times or try to defend myself when he attacks me verbally, emotionally, and/or physically – which is almost daily now but at times can go week(s) without. I feel so angry at times and the need to defend myself and then when I try to discuss or communicate about how it needs to stop or he has to leave it just turns into him justifying or denying/flipping the script. And he shouts so loud over me, repeating the same thing which is usually another derogatory statement, insult, or threat. He’ll even open the door of our home and bad mouth me to embarrass me and convince people I’m this loser or something. Makes me feel so ashamed and bad for saying or reacting back but I just can’t help it bc it’s so hard to sit back and allow it. My circumstances limit me to do anything legally (and sometimes feel conflicted about not wanting to get hin in trouble) but know I should and upset because he won’t stop and ultimately doesn’t care about what is happening to me mentally. It even sickens me that he can carry on with his day so normally and not phased because all he has to say is a simple sorry without further discussion! I keep threatening to get him in trouble if he doesn’t stop and he literally tells me he won’t get in trouble or that I will for how I reacted. It’s mentally exhausting. But this article made things a little clearer, thank you.

    Reply

    1. Marissa, we are so glad you found our site and have found value and validation in this article about reactive abuse. It sounds like you are in a very tough position and I hope you will take time to get some help for yourself. Consider checking in with the DV hotline or a local DV agency to see if they have free or low cost counseling with trained specialists in helping victims of abuse. This will help you make strong decisions that are in your own best interest and will ultimately be in his to the extent it wakes him up to the need to change. The guilt you feel about stepping up is a normal thing for someone in your situation to feel but we do not want you to stay in that place. Any repercussion he experiences as a result of you standing up for yourself, setting boundaries and getting the help you need are solely his responsibility and because of his own doing. You are not doing anyone any favors nor are you “protecting” him but not getting help. Please do not hesitate to reach out to us to help you find referrals. Email our team at info@themendproject.com. Bless you.

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  27. This is my life at the moment. My mother’s husband of nearly 20 years is a narcissist and I became his target the day after their wedding all those years ago. Not one person in my family believes that he is abusing me, my mother tells anyone who’ll listen that I exaggerate and not to believe anything I say. I have been to file complaints with the police with threats that he’s made towards me about ‘how I should be afraid of him’…No one believes me. The betrayal that I feel by my mother and my sister, all who were and are aware of the situation and of the demise in my personality and my explosive reactions to every thing. Every time he does something to me and my mother finds out, her first response is to dismiss me immediately and tell me I’m wrong. The next step is he fakes a sickness, and I think this is so she, my mother, forgets about my claim of what he’s doing to me, so she can look after him, ‘the real victim.’..he’s faked all sorts of illness’. It’s amazing that one man can coincidentally have so many major illness’ and still be so healthy. I truly believe that my mother likes the drama, I think she’s addicted to it…or that she feels familiar in it, it’s familiar territory. I ask myself regularly, ‘how does such a manipulative, nasty person marry into my family and cause such disharmony and fear in plain site?’… and the answer is because my family is used to toxicity and being treated terribly, we have a family history of domestic violence, rape and abuse…so why does it matter that it’s happening to me? I dislike my mother so much that I can’t decide if it’s more dislike than I feel for her husband? I have tried to have conversations with my mother about what her husband’s actions are doing to hers and my relationship, but somehow it’s always my fault that I feel the way I do. My reputation is in complete tatters in my neighbourhood, he has completely destroyed any credibility I had…the funny thing is though that the neighbours think he’s wonderful and genuine …and he doesn’t like any of them at all, he uses them to destroy me. I don’t know where to turn anymore for help or advice. I want to cut myself off from my entire family but at the same time I hate the fact that he can run me out of my own family. I am a volcano waiting to explode and my abuser will be clapping his hands when that happens because his narrative of me will be fitting. I am so frustrated and exhausted from fighting a continuous one sided battle that I never agreed to be a part of and I’m the bad guy…it’s destroying my mental health, I’ve been physically sick and unwell for 3 years and I see no way out of this vicious cycle of abuse. My last resort is to completely cut off my entire family for good…never to return.. but I hate the fact that he, the narcissist wins.

    Reply

    1. Karen, I’m so sorry you are being harmed by your mother’s husband and she is not believing you nor is she treating you compassionately or lovingly. I would encourage you to take care of yourself by stepping away and getting help at a local domestic violence agency or shelter where you can get support, counseling and healing. The separation will give you the strength to make wise decisions to protect yourself and determine the type of relationship you can have and want to have with your family. Most provide these services at low or no cost making it a viable option. If you don’t know what support is near you, please visit the national domestic violence hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233)) or their website at hotline.org. What many people don’t realize is that they have lists of referrals in all states and regions within those states. They can help you find resources closest to your residence. If you stay close and allow the current situation to continue manifesting, you risk so much loss of health and mental/physical well being. By taking control through stepping away and setting strong and healthy boundaries, you actually can cut off the narcissist’s power over you which is a loss. You may be an example to your mother, although that is not your present goal. It’s so important to take care of you first so you can properly navigate the family circumstances. PLEASE don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com. I’m sure our founder would be happy to connect with you. Blessings to you for a peaceful holiday.

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  28. I am broken. I have been in an abuse (emotionally, sexually and physically) for 40 years. The second I experience the stress I can’t control diarrhea and my husband yells at me and insists that should be able to control. I’m lost

    Reply

    1. Gosh Connie, I am so sorry for the recurring abuse in your home and its destructive impact on your health and well being. Please reach out to us by email at info@themendproject.com so we can arrange a time for you to connect with someone from our team. In a confidential space, you could share more so we can try to connect you to resources and provide emotional support and encouragement as you determine best ways to respond and protect yourself. You may also leave a voicemail at 415.843.6363 and a member of our team will get back to you. Sending love and hugs.

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  29. I was in a relationship with someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I had never heard of it before hand, they explaining to me what it was and how it affected their life and in turn relationships. A summary, it is a mental health condition marked by unstable emotions, self-image, and relationships. People with BPD may experience intense mood swings and struggle with impulsivity. I thought that I could help and could be there for them whenever they needed. However, as the relationship progressed they started to do things that you wouldn’t usually do in a relationship involving ex’s. I tried communicating my concerns and talking to them about it, but they just would say I’m in the wrong for bringing them up on it and say I’m getting in the way of her coping mechanisms for her condition. I brushed it off think oh if it helps her condition then I guess I can live with it but then it progressed more and more and I would voice my concerns but my emotions and the way I felt weren’t a priority at all. The only thing that mattered when it came to those situations were her feelings and how me telling her how I felt made me a bad person. I was being gaslighted and manipulated into thinking I was the bad person even though I would wait on her hand and foot. This became a regular occurrence, of my emotions being pushed aside and being told that how I felt is controlling and manipulative and I started to believe it. I was questioning myself if I was the one in the wrong, pushing all my feelings down. Then I got to a snapping point, they kept poking at me degrading me mentally, then when I snapped I still remember the smile on her face when I finally snapped, I let out everything (never touching her) but shouting and hitting walls as I let out all my emotion on how I felt, it was like a blur I don’t know what happened to me, I had turned into a ball of rage I did not recognize all while she would record me, but also be scared at the same time. The aftermath I felt so much guilt and shame, I don’t know what happened to me. Then she started calling me abusive, that I was the one that caused this, that I must have always been like this. I was so confused I had no idea what had happened and started questioning myself believing her. I thought I was a monster and that no one would love me or want me, that’s when I started getting the dark thoughts (Self harm, suicide) I apologized with everything I had and she took me back, little did I know this is when she would start isolating me from my friends and family, making me feel bad for leaving the house. Make me feel bad whilst at work and I would do anything to make her happy, drive 20 mins from work on my lunch hour to see her for 20 mins to then drive back to work. She continued with the neglect of my emotions and continued to gaslight me and make me feel crazy, but I was so confused and thought no one would love me so I stayed. This was a cycle that repeated again and again until friends reached out and worried for me. They helped me see what she was doing to me and I managed to get out. I was still so confused in my own head and till this day still question it every now and again, I look at TikToks and sites to help me understand what I went through, I see a therapist who says I have PTSD from my year with this girl. She still labels me as abusive which still triggers my questioning. I’m not the best with words so I hope this summary makes sense. I can still picture the smile on her face when I first snapped and It sends me into a panic.

    Reply

    1. Gosh, I am so sorry about your experience in this relationship. The comment about the smile when you finally reacted that way is such a common situation with narcissists. I hope you have been finding healing through your time in therapy as well as the videos and writings you have been reading on the internet or through books you’re ready. Bless you. – Stephanie

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  30. This hit home. I survived extreme physical abuse by my ex. Broken leg, choked until I coughed blood, etc. I left him and met my current husband. We’ve been married for 9 years. In the beginning I had a lot of anger issues. I was so lost and broken. I had told him several times that I hated him. I asked for a divorce on more than one occasion. One night, about 5 years ago, we were drinking at his moms and he disappeared to throw up and then he passed out. I continued to hang out with everyone until they went to bed. When I got up to go to bed myself, I slipped on a water spill on the wooden porch and landed on my knee wrong. I couldn’t stand up and was crying. I tried calling him but he didn’t answer. I dragged myself into the house, down the hall, and pulled myself into the bed. I tried waking him up and he just kept snoring. I started hitting him on the arm and he still wouldn’t wake up so I got him harder. When he woke up he was swinging and it started a whole drunken tumble. He only held me down when he realized it was me and I was the one who was still fighting. I still have yet to live that down. I have done so many things to better myself in the way I react to things and how I let things dictate my feelings. I have had so much personal growth since my ex broke me. But no amount of growth is enough is my perfect husband who will tell you flat out that he NEVER does wrong.
    He gets really offended really easily. Then he starts throwing out accusations and assumptions at me. I try to tell him that he misunderstood me and I try to explain myself but he doesn’t give me the chance. He starts throwing out a million different things that are wrong with me including calling me abusive because of that night almost 4 years ago at his moms. As much as I try to stay at ground zero where the miscommunication started, he is deflecting as much as he can to make me look like the one in the wrong.
    Recently this happened, and I couldn’t explain myself at all. He kept talking about how bad I am at being a wife, throwing my faith in my face (he hates God), telling me I need more Jesus. I got so upset that I picked up my Love Dare book (I bought it a couple of fights ago) and I ripped out the first few pages and started hitting the bed with it. I wanted to rip my own face off instead but I took it out on the book. All of a sudden he started freaking out saying I was physically abusing him by beating him with my Bible and that he would see me in divorce court. I was so confused because I didn’t hit him with it. I got my phone and started recording and asked him to please show me where I hit him at. He turned the light off so I couldn’t see. I turned it back on and asked him why he wouldn’t want to show me or the camera where I hit him at since he wants to use it in court. He turned the light back off and then unscrewed the lightbulbs. Hmmm.
    He keeps telling me how abusive I am yet he refuses to fill out divorce papers.
    I used to walk away from every fight taking full blame. Now I see the pattern. I can’t even have a drink on the weekends now because he will start pushing buttons and get me all twisted up and call me a drunk when I react. He already said he will get me arrested for abuse and he knows exactly how to get it out of me.
    He compared me to my abusive ex and said it was funny what happened to me because I laughed at him whining that I apparently beat him with my Bible. I need to get out but I haven’t worked since we got married and I have no family and nowhere to go with the kids. He doesn’t want to divorce because he doesn’t want to have to give me anything. He offered to give me my car and money but he keeps the kids. I said absolutely not

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I pray that you get support from someone who can help you as you continue to heal and make choices that keep you safe and help you to respond in the most healing and constructive way possible.

      Reply

  31. Hi, I experienced these patterns of abuse many times over in my marriage to a professionally diagnosed, narcissistic personality disordered spouse. I thank God that he abused me badly enough one night that I was more scared to stay than leave and my family helped me pay to obtain a lawyer so I could legally leave. Could you please email me a PDF of the article so I can copy it for further study and I can talk about the information in it with the group of women in a support group I am in who have also experienced toxic, controlling and abusive relationships and are now seeking to leave? Being able to talk with them about the information in this article would be very helpful for them to have words and understanding of how they were being affected.

    Thank you!
    Debbie

    Reply

    1. Hi Debbie,
      I am so glad you found such reprieve, clarification and validation through this article. It’s for sure our most popular post for those reasons. Please feel free to print the article from our website and share it with credit to MEND with your group. It would provide the most support to your small group to point them to our website. We will be having a 4 week course for survivors with Annette that starts at the end of this month and would love their involvement. We look forward to connecting with you there. Just hop on our training and curriculum page to learn more. Blessings, Stephanie

      Reply

  32. After 37 years of relationship with my husband he disclosed all his lies and cheating. For the past 2 years since disclosure it has been nothing but lies, excuses, blaming me for the reason this relationship isn’t working. While he continues to try to work toward “restoration” when he makes excuses it cuts me to my core and sends me into a rage, I have hit, kicked, slapped, shoved him, spit, scream, swear at him. I am 56 years old and only in the last 2 years have I ever behaved this way. I found this article the other day and has helped give my understanding. Thank you so much for sharing this article!

    Reply

    1. We are so glad you came upon this article and our website. We have found that when survivors gain clarity and understanding about the abuse in their relationship as well as their body’s way of responding and protecting themself, they give themselves permission to grow and heal. I hope you will keep digging in to learn more and, if you are able, seek professional assistance with a counselor or therapist specifically trained in emotional abuse who can help you redirect how you respond when he excuses his abusive behavior. I applaud your willingness to stay the course in keeping him accountable toward full restoration and change. Please take a look at our article on whether abusers can change as well as the free videos we have on this topic (on our website). These resources identify ways to understand whether true change and transformation is happening internally for the one who has caused you harm through abuse. Bless you. Don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com.

      Reply

  33. I have a question: What is the term that describes a person who is suffering from reactive abuse? Thanks.

    Reply

    1. I’m so sorry but could you please clarify your question? The person who is reacting defensively to an abusive person through so-called “reactive abuse” which we refer to as “reactive defense” is known as the victim or survivor of abuse. The person they are reacting to is the abuser.

      Reply

  34. this is how it is as my wife always wins over me to it be all my fault ,she always has started the hitting ,I even remember the first time she hit me when I was bottle beer before 10 at night ,she hit me in the back and I will never forget it, she has been with me since we where 14 and I am now 49 and reading what a narsastist is explains to me this, she never says it’s her fault in just about anything,she always protects her image around people and puts me down to make her self look good one, I recently put my feet up on the bed at her whilst she was hitting and attacking me to police showed up and comforted her as all police male and my wife would not go and fix what extra lies where on me as to just agree to it all on me and protect her as normal to not get kicked out of the house as I do this with my kids when they have attacked me as I don’t want to be separated from my real love of my youngest child being my daughter , my wife always jumps in to take kids side to be the one they love and I put to the side ,I believe taking it into years it’s truth is her up bringing ,her parents argued constantly and hit one another as I told my wifes father threw a knife at her eye and she passed out and another time before just short years before we met he kicked her bottom for the gate closed maybe loud he kicked her and broke her tail bone to she complain about still these days, my parents I never see hit each other or abused each other , I put up with it ,I have no choice as to want to be with my daughter until she moves out think I will but can’t see it as to burden the kids having to travel to different places as I would want to be on the other side of the world I dream ,dream is all and wish she had a heart like she did when we met ,she cares for her self and her family only cares for family and I can’t understand why if they right or wrong have there parents side as I don’t talk to mine as my family shoot me down and I know where that comes from
    .djd

    Reply

    1. I am so sorry for what you have been experiencing in your relationship and community, but am glad you have found some clarity and understanding through this article. Please keep reading and visit the videos you can find on our free resources section of the website. Please also consider taking our self-paced survivor course. You can find the information on our training and curriculum section of the website. Scholarships are available. Know you can always reach out to our team at info@themendproject.com. Take care.

      Reply

  35. I think this is what happened to me last night. My boyfriend and I have been trying to work through his infidelity but recently he’s been not there for me emotionally and stood me up, said mean things to me, left me alone while I’m sobbing, and made me feel completely ignored and not a priority to him. Last night I got so upset and he laughed and I felt so triggered sobbing that I slapped him in his cheek. He immediately said he was scared of me and was going to leave and said we would talk about it more the next day and I begged him to please stay and just talk to me because it wasn’t me and I had been feeling so emotionally distraught all day and relapsed with my self harm. He said he loved me still and forgave me and deserved what I did for everything he’s put me through but he didn’t like that I slapped him and needed to think about it and kept saying how we weren’t right for each other and I needed to do better because he can’t prioritize me or give me what I want. I begged for him to just talk to me and he said I love you we can text a little and I need time to think but at 3 am I saw that he broke up with me over text and blocked my phone number and deleted photos of us on all of his social media but didn’t unadd my snap or Instagram. He blocked me on some things but not all. I don’t know what to do I can barely sleep and I want to talk to him about it and try to work things out but I don’t think he will ever speak to me again. I don’t know what to do

    Reply

    1. Hi there, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. When relationships break it can be a very painful season. What I notice in your narrative of events is that you are clinging to someone who is not trustworthy or emotionally safe. I’d like to see you love yourself more so that you wouldn’t think of tolerating such behavior and indifference toward you. At the end of your comment you write,” I don’t know what to do.” Instead of trying to bring this person back to you, I’d like to see you focus on your own self care and getting emotionally stronger and more independent or autonomous. When you are with a person like your partner appears to be, it is highly dysregulating. You are experiencing betrayal trauma, rejection and indifference, which are all traumatizing experiences, particularly if you aren’t taking real good care of YOU. If you would like to email me to set a time to talk I’ll make myself available. My email is annette@annetteoltmans.com.
      Take real good care of yourself.
      Warmly, Annette

      Reply

  36. Thank you so much for this article. My parents, my mom especially, emotionally and verbally abused me for pretty much all my life and I realized what was going on only three years ago when I went to therapy, because I was feeling suicidal. I used to believe that I was broken and crazy, and I was drowning in guilt every time I felt angry. My mom made me believe that I was an aggressive person with a shitty personality. I have almost no recollection of my childhood so I couldn’t tell if what she was saying about me was true or not. I always had trouble making friends because I usually didn’t talk to other people, out of fear they would see me as a freaking monster. I was lucky to be academically gifted, enough to leave my parents house and go study 700km away from them at 17 yo. And there I found friends with whom I wasn’t ‘difficult’… Nor aggressive… I still have some fears, especially when I go visit my parents, that my mom is right. That I am a monster, I just hide it well. Honestly your article is helping me so much building confidence in me and finding what kind of person I want to be in the future. I still get reactive with my mom sometimes and I hate myself for it. Once she filmed me while I was yelling at her after she called me names. I cannot even describe how I felt, but it was like forgetting the three last years of therapy. Square one. Am I a monster? If yes, should I kill myself? It’s frightening, and I just hope that someday I’ll be able to look back and know I succeeded in redefining myself, outside of this distorded view my mom has of me. Good luck to anyone out here going through this storm of guilt and shame. Love

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m incredibly sorry for the pain you’ve endured, and I want to acknowledge your courage in seeking therapy and working toward healing. It’s so difficult to break free from the harmful messages we’ve been taught about ourselves, especially from those closest to us. The confusion and guilt you’ve felt are understandable when you’ve been conditioned to question your own reactions and worth for so long.

      Please know that your feelings of anger or frustration, especially in response to being harmed, do not make you a monster. They’re natural human responses to being mistreated. The fact that you’ve built meaningful relationships outside of your family and that you’re reflecting on the kind of person you want to become speaks volumes about your strength and self-awareness.

      I’m glad this article has been helpful for you. Be gentle with yourself, especially when you visit your parents, and remember that progress doesn’t look perfect. You are not defined by those moments of reactivity or by your mother’s view of you. You are working on finding your true self, and that’s what matters most.

      Please reach out for support when you need it. And continue leaning on the support of your therapist. You’re not alone in this journey, and you need and deserve to have strong support as you heal.

      Sending you strength and love

      Reply

  37. I love this article even though it’s not directly my situation but I’ve searched for exploited developmental disabilities adults ant there’s not much. I have Cebreal Palsy and had a $50k/y job. my aunts lied to get me to quit so they could trap me into serving them. Authorities will do nothing without a “signed contract “.

    Reply

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been put in such a difficult position. It’s frustrating when systems don’t offer the support you need without formal evidence.
      Your awareness of the situation is important, and I hope you’re able to find resources or support to help. You deserve to have your independence respected.
      Wishing you strength and healing.

      Reply

  38. Hi, I found this article very interesting as I've not heard of reactive abuse before.
    If I could, I'd like to ask you if what I am experiencing is reactive, or am I the abuser.
    we've been together for nearly 10 years now, we have 2 kids an acreage she had purchased a year before we met. the first 2 or 3 years went well but that changed when she yanked our 3 month old daughter out my hands one nigjt because I wouldnt put her to sleep the way she wanted me to.
    following that were Manny more instances of her needing things done her way or she would have a tantrum.
    by this time I felt trapped because I had recently just went through a tramtic separation and was not looking to go through that again. so over time I convinced myself to stay for the kids. which I'm seeing now was a BIG mistake. fast forward to now. it feels like it's been a non stop argument for the last 4 or 5 years and it seems as though she's the antagonist. she does have valid concerns sometimes and so long as we can address them properly it's fine. but that's it. there not being addressed properly and a small issue usually turns into a yelling match with me walking away and her following me EVERYWHERE. And I mean relentlessly. when I ask her, no when I BEG her to please respect my boundaries and let me cool off because whats unraveling is very obviously not healthy. but she just WONT leave me be. going as far as standing I. my way. latching onto my truck when I try to leave, corners me or blocks doorways all because she NEEDS to talk about it now. so recently after many many MANY attempts to get her to back off, during a particularly intense argument she would not allow me to leave and I struck her. It turned Into s actual fight. I have NEVER hit a woman in my live and was raised that way. I am still in disbelief and it's been over 3 weeks now. I'm fixing to leave before things get worse. (although I'm not sure they could be much worse)

    Reply

    1. Hi there. It’s hard for me to tell which person is the abuser. On one hand, if she is following you to resolve and argument, that can be a behavior the victim enacts because they are traumatized for not experiencing empathy, understanding or resolution to conflict. If you go to our resource page on our website where we have the Maze of Confusion visual tool you can see how conversations and conflicts turn into circular conversations with no end. One person stonewalls the other from being able to express their points of view and experience empathy and understanding. They stonewall by using various covert behaviors such as blame-shifting, gaslighting, minimizing the victims concerns, or changing to topic. It blocks one from the ability to have meaningful and authentic conversations. This experience is very triggering. The victim becomes traumatized and reactive trying desperately to resolve the conflict and move to solutions. The perpetrator, avoids and blocks all attempts by the victim to feel seen and heard. On the other hand, sometimes abusers are the aggressors in conversations, where they follow the victim around and do not allow the victim to step away from the conversation. These types of abusers are commonly known to rage, catastrophize narratives, put down their partner and gaslight them.

      Reply

  39. Wow!
    This is really quite an article!
    I probably am the police officer you’ve mentioned several times in this thread.
    I’m a retired state police officer – with 34 years behind me “on the job”. Obviously, during that tenure I was directly involved as a responding officer to (sadly) hundreds of domestics, probably involving every form of domestic abuse ever presented in our courts of law.
    Due to the intensity of these domestic situations, the mental and physical stress the person arrested, most likely vividly remembers their perspective of the situation, their arrest and court results – the officer usually can easily bring to mind most of their involvement and the steps to resolve the immediate situation, and subsequent investigations, and their part in litigation.
    Upon reading this article, I tried to picture several of the domestic scenarios that I’d been the responding law enforcement officer.
    Yes! I can absolutely see the unwitting errors I made – as you describe the cases. Yup! That lady with the frying pan – would likely be headed next to the lockup – the partner who was always most convincing was the calmer one – or in some cases the least blooded…. I can remember the calm accusations, and the other subjects who occasionally couldn’t make a lick of sense – acted shocked, blaming themselves- and who usually got themselves arrested – exactly as you describe it
    Now – I read this and discover that my best judgment guess may have been completely erroneous!
    How sad I feel – that my utmost goal To PROTECT THE VICTIMS actually may have ENABLED THE PERPETRATOR PERSON to continue their criminal activities and behaviors in these domestic situations.
    These responding mistakes made – simply because I’d NEVER even heard of such a thing!
    Cops are sent there to stop the violence – separate and bring before the court perpetrators – but, nobody ever trained us with anything related to domestic psychology – not a clue! All we knew about was to maintain a serious mental alertness, self protection, and to remove the individuals apart – provide access to the courts, by completing the documentation, get statements and arrest, the logical aggressive person – all else we ever learned was that domestic violence calls were most likely the most dangerous police activity the responding officers could face during their entire career –

    Hopefully, in the over 20 years since I retired – law enforcement officers have received a much training in this area giving them a better understanding – so they aren’t just looking at domestic violence the way we old school police officers were trained, and expected by the courts, the lawyers, judges, and society to handle, investigate, and perform law enforcement actions for domestic violence

    Reply

    1. Thank you sincerely for being honest about your past assumptions and mistakes. Sadly, law enforcement to this day continues to be unaware of the psychological impact and reactions of the abused. To make matters worse, judges are not informed either. It’s very sad. Your comment is particularly helpful for victims to see how important it is to get away from the abuse so they can remove themselves from reactive situations and avoid being labeled the abuser. It’s nearly impossible to regulate their emotions while remaining in a relationship where recurring abuse and trauma is taking place. If you have any influence with your local law enforcement agency maybe you can do advocacy work to increase awareness. It would be a worthwhile effort. Let us know if we can support you in any way. God bless you. Annette

      Reply

  41. this is exactly what happened to me
    after him love boming me when I had tuned 20 and he was only 19 he proposed to me

    Reply

    1. Thank you for your comment. Reactive abuse is an explanation of what often occurs when recurring trauma is a pattern in the relationship. That said, reactive abuse or what I like to refer to as reactive defense provides an explanation to help you recognize that it’s not your fault. It’s not your normal character. Please realize, however, that most law enforcement personnel and the courts do not recognize reactive abuse. If you don’t separate yourself from your abuser so you can begin to heal and better regulate your emotions, you’re likely to be blamed for your reactions and labeled abusive. Work on loving yourself well. Take good care. Love, Annette Oltmans

      Reply

  42. think you may be enabling abusive female partners to plead a fictitious history of abuse in order to carry on being abusive to thier unwitting male partners
    and also fooling those partners into thinking that there might be something wrong with thier behaviour

    I feel badly let down and betrayed by the contradictive narrative that is never going to help my friend address thier abusive behaviour I wanted to withhold my details for our safety

    I have two male family members who have hurt many people and always accuse thier victims successfully even though they were never injured themselves that doesn't help so im on my own

    Reply

    1. Thank you for your comment. The Understanding Reactive Abuse blog article is meant for those who are truly victims of recurring abuse and whose trauma causes them to react outside their normal character rather than respond calmly. True abusers will use any means and say and do just about anything to justify their abuse while they also claim to be the victim. This destructive stance occurs whether or not we have posted an article to help true victims of abuse. I hope that makes sense. Warmly, Annette

      Reply
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