A Guide on What to Say (and Not Say) to Victims of Abuse

What do I say when someone I know shares their experience of abuse with me?

This is an important question that we are going to answer today.

In this guide, we will cover:

Let’s dive in.

Why It Matters What You Say: The Victim’s Experience

Within an abusive relationship, a victim’s emotions have been regularly dismissed, denigrated, and invalidated by their abuser. 

Validation is so important to the healing process for a victim of abuse.

Often, various covert tactics have been used frequently and systematically by the abuser.

These hidden, manipulative behaviors include:

This wreaks havoc on a victim’s sense of self-worth, identity, and dignity.

The result?

Victims learn to carry significant self-doubt and confusion. 

They often question their own reality and sanity. They have consistently been denied the freedom to express themselves through their voice.

Thus, validation is an essential first step toward healing, fortifying a victim’s self-identity, and reinstating their voice.

Why do many people respond to victims in ways that harm them?

Most people don’t know what to say.

And the topic of abuse can be uncomfortable. 

Unfortunately, this means that many people, including professionals, respond in a harmful and invalidating way, further exacerbating the victim’s trauma.

The MEND Project calls this harmful response to the victims of abuse “Double Abuse.” 

Now, let’s consider some examples of what not to say or do when a victim opens up to you.

What Not to Do

When a victim reaches out for help and bravely disclose their situation of abuse to a friend, family, therapist, or other type of responder, they are often not validated. 

Instead, they are doubted, disbelieved, diminished, shunned, or blamed for the conflict they are experiencing. 

Here are three ways this is done:

Do Not Respond With Ignorance

Too many people trying to help victims, including professionals, have insufficient knowledge about emotional abuse to understand and be able to recognize the signs of abuse and trauma. 

Instead of recognizing the signs, they misread the victim’s emotions, shaking, anger, or difficulty expressing themselves to mean they are unstable or not telling the truth. Far too often, their ignorance leads them to wrongly conclude that perhaps the victim is the real problem. 

This is devastating to the victim, further harming them and exacerbating their trauma.

Education will help you validate a victim in your care.

Do Not Defend Or Protect the Abuser

Often, the victim reaches out to family or friends who know the couple. They might not feel comfortable validating the victim's emotions because they feel they should protect the abuser, not get involved, or simply can’t identify their friend as an abuser.

They can’t imagine their friend treating their partner as the victim expresses it.  

They might say:

These responses not only harm the victim, but they embolden the abuser, who is left without accountability for their actions or confrontation for the harm they cause.

On the other hand, providing much-needed validation is easy and will go a long way toward helping the victim. 

The bottom line is you can validate the victim’s sharing of their experience in the relationship regardless of whether you know for sure their partner is abusive.

Do Not Minimize The Victim’s Experience

Many people don’t know what to say when a victim opens up. They are very uncomfortable with the topic and the victim’s distress.

So, they attempt to make themselves and the victim feel better by minimizing the issues being represented. 

For example, they may say:

Turn unhelpful responses into healing ones.

Rather than approaching the victim through doubting and questioning, showing care for the victim’s distress goes a long way in validating them.

The easiest and best way to deal with these emotions and your discomfort is simply to listen. 

Take yourself off the hook and remember you aren’t required to be the expert and give advice. 

Giving unwanted advice is the same as speaking down to the victim as though you know what’s best. 

Victims have already endured months or years being spoken down to, so that’s the opposite of what they truly need. 

Let’s look at the most helpful, healing way to respond when a victim opens up and shares their experience with you.

What to Say to Victims of Abuse

What are helpful and healing ways to respond to a victim of abuse?

Acknowledge their feelings. 

This can look like:

When we validate a victim’s expression, we honor, affirm, and respect them.

The victim feels seen and heard, something they likely have not felt in a long time, which helps them to remember their value. 

Emotional validation is the process of learning, understanding, and accepting the other person’s emotional experience. 

To validate their emotional experience, you do not need to understand it, agree with it, or know the facts behind it. Their emotional experience is theirs. This is the time to listen over and over again. 

The MEND Project’s Healing Model of Compassion gives clear steps for responding to victims to validate and empower them.

Conclusion

When we allow painful feelings to be expressed, acknowledged, and validated by another person, these feelings will eventually diminish.

Give them space and time to speak while you listen without interruption.

Nod your head in acceptance of their words. Let them know you are there for them.

All you need to do is listen and allow the victim a safe place to process and unravel their confusing situation.