In this brave Emotional Abuse Survivor Story by Michelle (not her real name), she shares the details of her journey being married to a covert narcissist—who is now her soon-to-be ex-husband.
In this story, you’ll learn:
- How no matter how hard she tried or what she did to try to support her partner, it was never enough
- How she was minimized, rejected, gaslit, lied-to, degraded, and attacked
- How she experienced withheld intimacy and personal connection
- How she finally drew boundaries and left her covert narcissistic husband so she could find hope and healing on the other side
Here’s the story.
It Began Online
I met my soon-to-be husband online.
He seemed to be everything I had been searching for and more.
I was the happiest I had been in my entire life.
Here was someone who was supportive, funny, loving, and affectionate.
The Wedding Plans and Early Hints
Fast forward to 3 and a half years later, and we were about to be married.
He was not really interested in helping plan the wedding other than to allow his mom to take care of the catering and photography.
On top of that, we had just bought our first home and were in the process of moving.
We were both very stressed and I just chalked up his behavior to that.
However, once we were married, it was like he completely changed into a different person.
He had been married before, and had a child from that marriage. I thought I was prepared to be a stepmom and everything that came along with that.
The Illusion Crumbles: The Struggles of Marriage
I could never do anything right in his eyes.
That first year I came home with gifts from my family for Mother’s Day.
He couldn’t understand—and had not gotten me anything as I “wasn’t a real mom.”
Before we were married, we agreed we wanted children. But once we were married, he would not allow me to get pregnant.
But I cared for my stepson who also had behavioral issues and was diagnosed with ADHD.
I work in the mental health field and I told my husband that his son should be seen by a behavioral specialist instead of just taking the pediatrician’s word for it, especially when he continued to have issues at school and ended up in trouble for hitting other kids.
He vehemently denied my requests, saying that I didn’t know what I was talking about since I worked with adults and not kids.
Denial and Mental Health Concerns
I soon began to see that our relationship needed help, and we started therapy right before our first wedding anniversary.
However, it was not a good fit. All she could really say was: “How does that make you feel?”
We also had our honeymoon coming up, as we got married at the height of COVID-19 and had to postpone it.
A Glimmer of Hope: The Honeymoon
We did have a good time, and I thought that since we didn’t have all the distractions back at home, that things were going better.
In fact, he bought me a necklace and a pair of earrings, and he apologized for being an asshole for that last year. I thought things were finally going to change.
Things did not change. They only got worse.
The Breaking Point: A Cycle of Abuse
Suddenly, his moods were so bad that I dreaded going home after work or him coming home from work.
I could not do anything right, no matter how hard I tried.
I made dinner too early, I was too picky of an eater, all I did was go to the store, clean the house, read, and watch TV on my day off, I wasn’t the size I was when we first met, I wasn’t willing to do things in the bedroom he wanted, my family were “parkers” and did nothing, and my job did not pay me enough and wasn’t my dream.
He withheld affection from me, which was devastating as my love language was physical touch, which he knew as we read that book together before we were married.
He would jokingly say “Is your love tank full?” when he knew clearly it was not.
I was in constant fear of being criticized, belittled, and blamed.
I had discovered marijuana in our garage about a year and a half into our marriage, and soon discovered he had been lying to me our entire relationship.
It soon became a major issue, as I would not tolerate him doing drugs, especially in our home.
I said I wasn’t okay with it, and he said he would choose it over me.
I soon discovered more lies—like his pornography habit.
One day, in a fit of rage, he broke my laptop when I was trying to complete some work because I told him I needed a few more minutes.
He told me that wasn’t good enough for him.
I will never forget being so terrified in that moment.
I thought, “What am I doing with this person?”
Seeking Help: The Counseling Conundrum
I contacted the pastor who did our premarital counseling and married us.
We met a few times. After that stopped, we started with another couples therapist.
At first, I thought she was a good fit—but suddenly, the sessions became so confusing and focused on how I was the problem.
I often ended up in tears as I felt like I was being attacked.
He would act like things were perfectly fine, and he would just put on this act.
I even told her once that I thought he was acting, and he made a comment in the past that he was a great actor.
She stated that she didn’t think that was true. Yet, I knew he had been in therapy for years after his first divorce, and had learned exactly what to say.
I decided that I was no longer going to do therapy, and he held that against me as well.
The Final Straw: Saying Enough is Enough
I lived in a fog of constant fear and confusion for almost 2 years before I decided enough was enough.
When I finally said I couldn’t do this anymore, he spouted off terrible things like I would never have to see him or his stepson ever again, which I never really connected with anyways.
He told me that I could start a family with someone else and move north closer to my family.
He told me that I had to leave as this was his dependent’s school address (his son went to school in a different county) and that he was taking our dog.
I said that this was not fair, but he would not bend.
He said that I could come back anytime to get my stuff, and that the house was half mine.
So I left with a small bag of my items and moved back in with my parents 45 minutes away.
He attempted to call me 5 days later and once sent a text saying he hoped I was okay and that he missed me.
I moved all of my things out while he was at work almost a week later.
The whole time, I was terrified that he would be there or that all of my stuff would be out on the lawn, ruined as it had been raining.
He angrily texted me when he got home that I should have let him know that I was coming to get my stuff, and that there was no chance of reconciliation then.
I filed for divorce 2 weeks later, thinking the hardest part was over.
I was so very wrong.
The Complex Aftermath: Navigating Divorce
The divorce process has been extremely difficult and expensive.
He filed a temporary restraining order on our assets, which means our house cannot be sold until we sign a settlement agreement.
I have signed 2 different versions of this, and his lawyer keeps changing things.
It has been the longest 2 months of my life. It should be over soon, I hope.
It all doesn’t even feel real anymore.
A Ray of Light: The Road to Recovery
I am much happier now that I have left—and often wonder why I didn’t leave sooner.
I’m terrified, but also excited for the future.
My family has been very supportive and, without them, I don’t know where I would be.
intellectually, I am aware. Emotionally, I am brainless. Exaggerating a bit, however, truthful. I need to find the strength to live again. He will never stop hurting me. I miss Life.
Gosh, we are so sorry for what you are going through and how your partner is hurting you so deeply. We believe in your ability to experience life again. We hope you will consider joining one of our upcoming courses for victims, survivors, and others in highly complicated, painful relationships. Check out our training page on the website. We will have this course available “on-demand” soon and then our next live cohort begins in October. In the meantime, please don’t hesitate to reach out by email to our team at [email protected]. I would love to schedule a time for you to speak with our Founder, Annette.
I hope you got away 🙁 I'm hoping to do the same soon. Wish you well 🙂
This story is the same per and over 16 Years…I’m finally throwing it out of MY apartment …last night I was. A ‘bitch’ because I refused to ‘dance’ about ordering food that he would ‘treat me”- where he offered to pay (we all know it’s to control and nitpick and look at YOuR phone)- I was also stuck on a couch being drunkenly yelled at on and off for over 4 hours!… as he preps quite obviously to move on to the next victim. But..2 days left..
You’ve endured so much for far too long. What you described, being controlled, berated, and used, is abuse, plain and simple. You are reclaiming your space and your voice. You can do this. Don’t doubt your strength now, you’re already walking toward freedom. Take real good care of yourself. Freedom is so close. Love, Annette
How do I share my horrible tragic story of abuse? My narc relationship made me leave the actual man and soulmate that I loved, for the narcissist instead, made me leave my amazing home, made me leave my beloved job, then got me fired at my job, made me leave my supper systems, and my entire life behind. For a total loser! It doesn’t make any sense! I have more horrible details that I will include in my story! I want to figure out how this tragedy happen to me when I’m in a totally diff culture and social class than my abuser and had no business dating him!
Hi Cassandra,
Thank you for reaching out. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. We are all susceptible to being misled by a narcissist. They are master manipulators. It can be a wonderful exercise to write your story down as a way to process your experiences with someone who was not treating you well. It will help you identify patterns in the narc’s behavior to offer clarity and overcome any confusion you may still have. Writing your story can also help you uncover why you felt unloveable or unworthy of something better. It’s also important to look at your choices and why you made those choices so you can process things you never want to repeat. In other words, if you look too much at your narc’s actions without digging deep to determine why you may have carried longstanding ideas that lower your self-worth, you will miss what is best to focus on from this post-narc vantage point. I recommend starting your story in your childhood to identify ways that maybe your primary caregivers were emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or too critical, and so forth. Childhood is where our internal beliefs about ourselves are formed. We need to unpack them in order to reprogram our thoughts and beliefs about our personal identity and self-worth. Then work on loving yourself well. Reprogram the way you speak to yourself. You want to get to a place of self-love abundance to safeguard you from this happening to you again.
Warmly,
Annette
the way you describe your husband seems extremely similar to mine (including the constant telling me I'm a picky eater when I'm *not* lol). but then he'd literally have these rages at me once a month – where he'd be so irrational yet call me so, and also scream in my face and say f<c* you! and call me a bifch. unfortunately I snapped on him one day and we've been in marriage counseling. it's been 2 years since that happened. thankfully the counselor recognized him and told me privately after some time she thinks he's a narcissist and that this will never get better (and if hasn't).
and the marriage thing. I never thought about it, but…he kept getting upset at me for not planning things for it out. I was like…I don't want a big wedding, I just want to get married at the court, etc. I was basically forced into getting a big wedding. which sounds odd I guess but it's not what I wanted and I didn't want to plan something like that out. and after saying that he got upset I wasn't doing things for it…
It started with a low growl, "You're never getting rid of me now," she said, as she rubbed her pregnant belly standing in our kitchen. We were stunned at the freak in front of us. What the heck are we dealing with her, we thought? This was 9 years ago. Fast forward, the pregnant belly is now our beautiful grandson whom we adore, but sadly his mother is a bucket of water that is never filled. A slow burning fire that consumers the joy around her. For the past 9 years this covert narcissistic daughter in law has tried to suck the life out of everyone around her. Her idiocy leaves everyone in a fog. When she's around us we feel confused and angry. She brings nothing to the table, nothing to the conversation, doesn't help, she's just there. Lurking. Taking up space. Asking for something. Expecting something. No amount of re-direction, correction or affection is enough for this woman. She spends hours on Tik Tok posting empty selfies. Just pictures of her, with mega filters. In the past we discovered she was flirting with other men on line behind our son's back. Our son didn't even care he's been beaten down by this imbecile for so long. When he's away from her he seems happier. She's burned through all the money our son got from an insurance settlement years ago. Spent it all on wigs, make up, etc..they have one car that she trashes. Flicks her cigarettes IN THE CAR. When confronted she blames my son for not buying an ashtray, despite her expertise in ordering from Amazon.
Every job she's taken has ended up with her asking co-workers or employers if they could buy her lunch, pick her up some cigarettes, "venmo" her some money. She always has a story. Always trying to get something from everyone around her, but pre loads it with, "it's okay if you can't. I understand." When she is confronted about her outrageous absurd behavior, such as leaving our grandson in his pajamas all day and letting him play on Tik Tok unsupervised, it's always, "You're right..I need to do better." Then does nothing, and even does worse. When she's come to stay with us while her and our son needed housing, she hauled in a bag from the trunk of their car, set up a make up light on our guest room desk and then jammed 11 wigs,15 pallets of make up, 20 lighters, etc…in our guest room drawers. She then began using our home address to have dozens of Amazon packages filled with idiotic stuff she didn't need. When she used our shower we found clumps of hair in the drain. "I need to do better," she said, again. We kept finding hair. Over the years we've seen the light in our son's eyes get dimmer while with this daughter in law from hell. Mind you, she wears a cross and professes to know God, but we've never seen her read a bible, go to church or express any interest in God at all, in fact she's apathetic and cold when anyone talks about God. When her son began watching bible videos and taking about God her face became distorted, eyes darkened and the air got heavy around her. Very strange.
She uses people for as long as she can. Uses our grandson for sympathy, but won't feed him until 1pm when she's ready. There are times she's prepared HERSELF food and NOT the grandson, which is foreign to our entire family. We can't understand how selfish this freak is or if she's just stupid. Her sing song voice that changes daily is weird. She's constantly telling people on social media she's going to be a nurse, but hasn't signed up for any classes, has no idea the path to attain this. It's been 8 years of telling others she's going to be a nurse. The absurdity of it all leaves us all frustrated. It's not as if she's some herioin addict or drunk. That would be MUCH EASIER to pinpoint and address. You could get help perhaps for those types of messes. Not this one. With this covert narcissistic daughter in law we find ourselves watching a train going off the rails with a robotic conductor who can give damn. No emotion, only if she needs something from someone. No respect for anyone else. No concern about what anyone is doing or going. The entire world is about her. Her needs. Her wants. She expects special treatment for things she hasn't earned. Tells half truths that make your head spin. Will only admit faults long enough so you'll get off her and she can go back to doing nothing and sucking the air out of the room.
Hi Tammi, I’m not sure if this will be a duplicate reply as it seems my first reply did not post. What you are describing is very disorienting and stressful. I’m sure you worry about your son and grandson. What you describe is textbook narcissism and overt manipulation. Do you think your son would consider taking our online self-paced course Finding Clarity……? I believe it would be a great help for him to gain clarity and understand the nuances of his relational abuse. If he won’t take it, you might consider taking it so you can share what you learn with your son. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of therapy and jumpstarted their healing journey. Your son needs to see things accurately. And he needs to find his true self again. The course will make that more readily possible. I know it must be stressful for you both so please take really good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
Michelle's story is a beacon of hope, illustrating that liberation is possible even from the most insidious forms of manipulation. Her courage to share her experience shines a light for others, encouraging them to listen to their inner wisdom and embrace the possibility of a healthier, more fulfilling life.
I agree! Sharing our stories can not only be an important step in the healing process, but it truly helps others realize they are not alone and it’s not their fault. Thank you. Warmly, Annette
I been with narcissist husband for 26 years, and he was also an expert at hiding his feelings like robot, there is no expression on his face as if I see a man of wax, I lived with him knowing nothing. He broke me mentally and psychologically, he even made me think I was the one who ruined his life and I feel guilt and sorry for him until I reached out to this team of hackers [VengeHackers (at)Proton(*)Me] that got me the truth about who I was dealing with. When I went through his phone I saw all the numerous atrocities of cheating and leaving a negative mark on other people. I called for a divorce and saved myself my sanity.
Thank you for your comment. I’m so glad you were given the gift of clarity by seeing first hand what was in his phone. So this never happens again, I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It is only $59.00 and four modules. You will gain a comprehensive education about manipulation and emotional abuse as well as the mindset of offenders and the ways survivors experience a deep sense of self-doubt. You will learn how to change your internal thoughts about yourself and your self-worth. You will learn how to love yourself and show your self compassion. Knowing the red flags that are sometimes hard to see in the beginning will help you to identify offenders much sooner. At The MEND Project we aim to give survivors power through knowledge, as well as support. Many survivors have gone before you and were able to attain victory. I’m glad you have decided to divorce. You deserve freedom from abuse and trauma. Please take really good care of yourself. Love, Annette
This is my story…
I’m so sorry. Love yourself more. You deserve love and respect. And, please take real good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
I saw my ex for what he was extremely early in our 10+ year relationship and adjusted accordingly. He told on himself and showed his entire ass in an effort to gauge what kind of shit I would put up with. If you can stomach it and it's worth more than any alternative: Use them. That's the best and only use for a narc, especially a man. Feed his delusional ego to keep his target off your back as long as possible. Use him for money or whatever else. DON'T tie any part of your life to him legally or financially. Just make him think you are. Make him think you're doing the bullshit busy-work he puts at your feet to test you (like calling all his relatives like a fucking secretary, lol.) and put in the BARE MINIMUM while still boosting his ego. He'll take it like a bitch. Feed him false vulnerabilities (that do hurt, but don't scar) so that when the time comes to disengage because he's no longer useful (and annoying), whatever he uses against you will at least drop flat or at most, help you disengage faster. Have a strong support system in family and friends, but play it like you don't. Let him think he's turning your family against you, but keep them in the loop (if you can). Let him think he left you a total wreck using their help. That's what he wants. He wants to believe he ruined you. Use him, abuse him (because who cares) and then kick him to the curb. When he emails or calls? Cry about how your family isn't talking to you because you left him and how much you miss him, but you know you hurt him and wish him the best. He'll shit himself inside out in impotent rage, while also huffing up your copium script to feel better about himself.
Thank you for sharing your experience so candidly. I can hear how much you’ve endured and how strategic you had to become just to survive. It’s heartbreaking that abuse can twist the dynamic so deeply that even love and safety feel like illusions we must fake to stay protected.
While I understand the survival tactics you describe—and I appreciate your humor, because many victims have done the same out of necessity—I also want to gently say: you deserve so much more than survival through manipulation. You deserve real freedom, not just tactical escape. That level of hyper-vigilance takes such a toll.
There is a path to healing that doesn’t require carrying the weight of his ego anymore. And I believe you have the strength to claim it when you’re ready. Please take real good care of yourself. Warm hugs, Annette
I can relate I definitely need to read more of this.
I’m so glad this resonated with you. You’re not alone and the more you read, the more clarity and strength you’ll gain. Keep trusting your instincts. They’re guiding you toward healing. Love, Annette
I have been in a decades long term relationship with a covert narc. I left him on a few occasions but went back to him, if I'd known what I was dealing with back then I would never have gone back to him. I am trying to navigate my way out of this horrible situation which I'm finding very difficult as my family have turned their backs and I have nowhere to go. He has financially abused me and I fear once he tries and drains what I do have left I really will be in trouble. He has threatened to have me arrested if I leave with regards to defensive abuse. He has hit me a number of times aswell. At this stage I'm just slowly gathering all my documents etc.. What I am finding difficult is that he is always home which makes it hard to make calls etc..and also how do I leave without him knowing if he's always there? The other thing I'm finding difficult is the timing of leaving and getting a lawyer involved as I would definitely need to have a caveat put on the house. He will do anything to protect his assets, he's often said that he owns everything. what advice if any, do you have for me in my situation? I'm in my 50s and he's in his 60s.
What you’re facing is incredibly serious, and I’m so sorry you’ve had to carry this alone for so long. The isolation, the financial abuse, the threats, and the physical violence, these are all deeply harmful and dangerous. You are not imagining it, and you are not overreacting. It’s critical that you realize how serious his threats and conduct are.
Even if it feels like everything is stacked against you, the steps you’re taking to quietly gather documents show immense strength and clarity. You’re preparing for freedom, even while surrounded by fear.
Yes, you need to get an attorney as soon as you can. Don’t share what you’re doing with your partner. If you haven’t already, consider reaching out to a domestic violence support agency, where you can speak with an advocate or DV counselor when it’s safe. Some offer legal aid, housing resources, and help with exit strategies, even if he’s always around. You deserve support that is trauma-informed and protective of your rights. There are a few other things I’d like you to consider. You say he will report you for abusing him. This is a common tactic abusers use against their victims and many unfortunately succeed. It’s critically important that you establish with law enforcement and the courts that he is the true abuser before he turns the whole narrative around on you. To do so, you’ll need to journal all you can remember about violence in the relationship in terms of what he did to you, what lead up to it, and when it occurred. Then go to the courts to request a temporary protective or restraining order and don’t allow it to expire. There is a strategy for writing your petition. You don’t need a lawyer to do so even though it could be very helpful. Since he has been violent in the past, you have every right to fear for your life and to fear his retaliation. Make sure you include that point in your petition. You may want to go to law enforcement first in order to create a paper trail but I think they will advise you to get a restraining order, particularly because the violence is not in real time but in the past. A protective order will require he leave the home and not contact you unless the home is only his name. I must ask you, does he have recordings of you in reactive defense or text messages? If so, when he’s asleep try to delete them and deny you did so. If he has evidence, it’s even more urgent that you get a protective order because as soon as he gets wind of your plans to leave, if not sooner, he will take that recording to police or the courts to prove you were the abuser and he was the victim, and he may try to say that the event was recent. Law enforcement and the courts do not understand reactive defense. They will label you the abuser or consider your situation to be mutually abusive. It’s also critical that you disengage emotionally, practice grey rock, and emotionally detach from him so you no longer bring your emotional needs to him. Disengaging will help you not react. Even though trauma informed professionals understand reactive abuse, reacting abusively will only get you in trouble with police and the courts. Something else you will need to look into. Some states have established family court laws where the primary bread earner doesn’t have to pay alimony if they can prove their partner was abusive. Since he’s already threatened to paint you as the abuser, I have no doubt he will say whatever and do whatever he can to prove it even if it’s a lie. Do you by chance have his threats in writing, in an email or text message? If so, I would transfer them to a thumb drive or hard drive and ask a friend to hold them for you so he can’t get into your devices to erase them. It’s critically important that you map out a through exit strategy. Be smart, shrewd, and careful. As much as you can, try not to get into any conflicts, complain, or engage in any arguments from this day forward.
Please don’t lose hope. Please be careful. There is a path forward, and you don’t have to walk it alone. You are in a season right now where you are climbing a mountain, where you have big boulders in your way to climb over, fallen trees and creeks to cross. Keep your eyes on the top of the mountain, where you will have a beautiful view and freedom. Love, Annette
Hi "Michelle" I felt every part of your story, as mine is very similar…except that I stayed for 20 years and we have three awesome kids together (reason why I stayed.) I'm recently through my divorce now, but the lack of accountability, lying, and manipulation are still directed at me. I saw glimpses of red flags through dating, but it was mostly "love-bombing." After we were married, I saw the first glimpses of who he really was. He was bad to me over the years, but sprinkled in with good, so it wasn't all bad…until the separation. That's when his mask completely fell off and his true evil spirit was unleashed on me. It's been so hard. It makes me mad/sad beyond belief that people like this are able to rope in the kindest people.
Thank you for sharing so openly. The confusion, the “good mixed with bad,” the mask falling during separation, it’s a pattern we see often, and it’s devastating.
You’re not alone in feeling mad and heartbroken. But please know, what you’re doing, naming it, surviving it, and speaking truth, is powerful. Your story matters. Now you can begin to heal. Remember that many victims/survivors have travel a similar road and have made it to a place where they are now thriving. Take good care. Love, Annette