Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

“Why don’t you just leave him?”

Many people ask victims of abuse this question. Although it is often posed with good intentions, it is rarely a helpful question to ask. For most victims, the decision of whether to leave a relationship is far more complicated and wrought with nuances than most people realize. In this month’s blog series, we are focusing on what stops people from leaving abusive relationships. This week, we take a look at why some women might choose to stay; next week we will focus on men.

For those who have never been in an abusive relationship, it can be dumbfounding to imagine how any woman would stay with a partner who treats her badly. It is also very challenging to witness someone you know and love being hurt because of abuse and yet continue living with the abuser. While leaving an abusive relationship is a good and necessary choice for many victims, there are also reasons why some decide to stay.

As friends, family, counselors, pastors, or other types of first responders, it is vital that we do our best to learn more about abuse and how to empathize with victims throughout their journey, or we risk harming them further by how we respond

Here are some reasons women might stay in an abusive relationship:

1. Her Abuser is Threatening Her

Some partners threaten their victims. “If you leave, I’ll find you.” “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll make you pay.”

Threats come in many forms. Abusers may threaten to expose one of the victim’s secrets. Or, they cut off the victim’s supply to life’s necessities such as cash, a car, or their ability to work. Abusers will do whatever they can to maintain their position of power and control within the relationship. In some situations, a victim is faced with even greater harm should she try to leave. Making the choice to exit the relationship literally becomes a matter of life and death for the victim.

If you are a victim in this situation, please contact the national domestic violence hotline or a domestic violence shelter to seek their advice and advocacy regarding what you can do. Developing a relationship with a local agency can be a great resource as they can guide you through the steps you may need to take to safely exit your home, find shelter and seek legal advocacy.

2. Nobody Believes Her

Leaving a committed relationship is never easy. It can open a lot of questions and conversations from loved ones who are close to the couple and are naturally curious about why the relationship has dissipated. But when it comes to leaving an abusive relationship, the woman faces even more scrutiny from those around her. Because abusers are often narcissists who have taken great measures to make outsiders believe they are harmless or even charming, lovable people. Victims are often not believed when they try to tell others about the abuse or maybe they are blamed for the failure of the marriage. The victim likely realizes that If they were to try to leave, the narcissistic abuser would increase his efforts to manage his public image ensuring that the victim would not be believed or supported in her story. The victim instinctively knows this would be highly traumatizing. Leaving a relationship without an ally or when the community that surrounds you is judging and blaming you or doubting your experience is nearly impossible for some women to bear! The cost of becoming an outcast during a time they need their support system the most may compel the victim to remain with her abuser instead.

This is one of the many reasons why it is so vital that we default to believing victims. Our outside perceptions of a person or a situation cannot be trusted when abuse is involved. Just because the abuser seems like a good person on the outside making it difficult to imagine him abusing her, or that they seemed to get along fine when they were with you does not matter. This is especially true when Covert Emotional Abuse is involved, which is very destructive, but by its nature, hard to identify or detect.

3. She’s Holding Onto Hope

Many times, abusers follow-up their wrong actions with a honeymoon phase. They try to romance their victim back into their arms by behaving sweetly just long enough to make the victim wonder, maybe he’s changed or he’s capable of love. The victim becomes confused and overwhelmed with profound self-doubt wondering if she’s the problem. Maybe she can learn to communicate more effectively or maybe she can find ways within herself to stop their toxic problems. The victim also craves affirmation or loving words and emotions so much that this honeymoon phase makes it worth staying, giving them false hope that things will get better or that the situation is not really as bad as they thought when the abuse was active.

This is especially true where the relationship is long-term and she has made a considerable investment in it. It may seem more worth it to her to stay and see if things change than it would be to leave it behind.

4. She Feels She Has Nowhere to Go

Leaving a relationship can be costly and time-consuming, especially in instances of divorce. Although she may want to escape the situation, her troubles may not necessarily end upon cutting ties with the abuser.

For example, she may not have worked outside the home for a while, is not able to afford a place to stay on her own, or isn’t sure she will be able to support her kids. Leaving the relationship introduces many adjustments she may not be presently equipped to face. This is another one of the reasons why having even just one supportive individual in their life can be a catalyst for courage. Having someone to champion their journey and offer them practical and emotional support is an essential tool they need to leave and succeed.

5. She Believes Staying is Better for the Kids

A common belief is that it is okay, and possibly better, for the children to live with both of their parents in the home even when one partner is abusing the other, so long as they are not directly abusing the children. However, research has shown that kids who are living in a home where domestic violence is taking place among the adults, even when the parent is not directly abusing the children, often develop significant health-related consequences that affect them during childhood and last into adulthood. When domestic violence, including emotional abuse, is involved, a two-parent home with the abuser is not ideal for children.

If there is someone in your circle who you suspect or know is in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, the most helpful thing you can do is to provide space and time for them to talk to you about it. If they choose to share with you, do not immediately offer advice or try to label their situation. Responses like, “you know he’s abusing you, right?” can be overwhelming until the victim is ready to process and identify the abuse. She may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, experiencing fragmented thinking and confusion. Instead, say things like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” “I’m here for you anytime you want to talk,” and “What can I do to help you right now?”

The last thing a victim needs is criticism or questioning about why she is still in an abusive relationship. She needs support, not scrutiny. If she ever brings up the subject of leaving, that is when you can take that opportunity to discuss it with her. Of course, where the victim’s life is in imminent danger, you need to connect her with resources that will help her to get out of the life-threatening situation at the earliest opportunity. In either case, the best thing you can do for her is to provide a safe emotional space while she is navigating her tough situation.