For a more comprehensive look at reactive abuse, including the role of trauma, coercive control, and the ways these reactions are often mischaracterized, read our updated article: Reactive Abuse Explained: Understanding the Survivor's Response to Ongoing Harm.
Discerning the experiences and stories of two people can be tricky and confusing.
This is especially true when there is a long history of abuse, and the victim’s involuntary trauma responses are triggered by recurring abusive attacks. Both people act in ways that could be considered emotionally violent and/or abusive to an outsider.
This may make it appear as if there are two victims and two abusers when, in reality, there is only one.
A violent or aggressive response to an abusive partner is called reactive abuse. We prefer the term reactive defense. The victim’s reaction does not turn them into an abuser.
So, what is going on?
In this article, you will learn:
- How to define reactive abuse
- What causes the abused person to react emotionally or physically violently
- The difference between the abuser’s motives and mindset versus their victim’s
- And how to discern who’s the abuser
Let’s get started.
What is Reactive Abuse?
When a victim has been in an abusive relationship for a while, they begin to defend themselves against emotionally or physically violent attacks.
The term ‘reactive abuse’ refers to a victim’s defensive response to the narcissistic abuse behaviors they have been experiencing repeatedly over time.
Although it is called reactive abuse, MEND prefers the term reactive defense because a victim is not an abuser.
Reactive abuse occurs when the victim either becomes exhausted and frustrated or the aggressor in response to the abuser, such as by throwing something, pushing the abuser out of the way, slapping, raging, or angry outbursts.
In truth, reactive abuse is self-defense, not abuse.
This happens when the victim, who has been dealing with abusive behavior over a sustained period of time, reaches an internal breaking point. The prolonged physical or emotional abuse they have endured causes them to react impulsively rather than respond calmly.
A victim who reacts abusively is usually acting out of character, leaving them confused and surprised by their response. This leads to more self-doubt and self-criticism.
Even though it comes out of the body’s natural defense mechanism, which is designed to protect them from violence, reactive abuse almost always harms the victim more than the abuser.
Even in healthy relationships, there are times we respond in ways that are uncharacteristic of our true selves.
So, why isn’t reactive abuse considered abuse?
Let’s take a look.
How Does Reactive Abuse Work?
Reactive abuse is a victim’s way of self-defense against the overwhelming injustice their abuser is doing to them. Their defensive reaction does not put the victim on an equal par with the abuser or transform them from victim to abuser.
You might wonder: “Why doesn’t it?”
To answer this, let’s look into the mindset of an abuser.
The Abusive Mindset
Victims of domestic violence do not bring violence upon themselves, nor are they abusive like their partner is. True abuse is a choice the abuser makes. It is not an accident, and it’s never the victim’s fault.
Abusers, or those who cause harm, have entrenched faulty thinking patterns and beliefs that lead to destructive behaviors and a need to power over and control their partner. Abusers have entrenched beliefs about entitlement, placing the victim in a downgraded position. These feelings encourage them to use manipulative aggression.
And when the victim raises a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, the abuser will react defensively to shut the victim’s voice down.
The abusive behavior can be overt, such as through physical violence, sexual, or overt psychological abuse.
It can also be covert through gaslighting, minimization, blame-shifting, or any other hidden manipulative behavior.
Whether overt or covert, abusive words and actions are forms of intimate partner violence.
The reverse, however, is not automatically true because violence does not necessarily equal abuse.
When victims fight back, it is usually to stop a dangerous situation or oppression. The actions do not come from an abusive mindset to power over and control their partner.
Reactive abuse is often due to prolonged states of high stress and confusion, or what are known as trauma states, in response to having their voice and personhood controlled or shut down. It doesn’t equal mutual abuse. Understanding this requires us to take a look at what causes the victim to respond this way.
The Involuntary Reaction
The victim’s response is an involuntary reaction caused by the cumulative trauma they have been experiencing over time and comes from a place of extreme frustration or self-defense.
Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or sexual, it causes deep fear and stress and puts the victim on high alert.
When the victim senses danger, the brain releases stress hormones that help the body defend against the threat.
This is known as a “stress response” or “trauma response,” which is more commonly called a “fight, freeze, flight or fawn response.”
In other words, the victim’s natural response is for their body to prepare to freeze, flee, fight back, or appease their abuser, especially when they perceive a threat to their safety or freedom.
Recurring trauma has harmful effects on one’s mind and body.
A trauma response happens automatically and involuntarily, without thinking about it in advance. It usually surprises the victim more than the abuser.
Here are some examples of what that can look like.
Examples of Reactive Abuse
When the victim feels overwhelmed with distress, fear, and powerlessness, their natural defense may be to scream, yell insults, or even physically lash out at their abuser to either clarify the false narrative being imposed upon them or cut off the abuser’s attack.
A person who does not normally curse, hit, or rage may find themselves doing these things in response to their partner’s abusive and controlling aggression.
When Children React
For example, a child whose parent abuses them feels defenseless against their attack.
They often don’t feel they have access to the fight response. Their level of dependency upon the adult, lack of autonomy, and fear limit them to freezing or fawning during a trauma response.
Some children, however, will flee or fight back. Usually, this takes place after recurring trauma or abuse. Some ways you might understandably see a child fight is by:
- destroying something in the house
- cursing at their parents
- or telling them they hate them
Although the child is defending themself in the most powerful way they can, the abuser will likely blame and punish them.
Outsiders may assume the parent is doing all they can to help an “unruly” or “problem” child. Children are rarely believed and, therefore, rarely report abuse by a parent or caretaker.
On the inside, the child often feels guilt and shame for acting out. They depend on an adult to validate them and to be emotionally available, so when adults are abusive, emotionally or physically neglectful, punitive, or critical, the child develops a low sense of self-worth that can take a lifetime to change.
Recurring trauma during the developmental stages of life impacts the way a child’s brain develops. Trauma changes the brain. The child’s brain will develop an enlarged amygdala, like the accelerator in a car, and an underdeveloped hippocampus, which acts like the breaks in a car.
In other words, the child’s stress hormones and distorted brain development will result in limited access to cognitive functions, causing higher levels of reactivity and lower ability to self-regulate.
Example of an Adult’s Reaction
Perhaps a woman reacts to years of her husband’s abuse by hitting him with a skillet.
Or, she screams at him, calls him names, or slaps him.
When the police respond to the domestic violence call, her abuser, most often, presents in a calm and controlled manner while manipulatively telling them she assaulted him. She will readily admit she hit him, apologize, and try to explain.
Internally, she doesn’t know how to explain because she doesn’t understand why her mind and body reacted that way. Recurring trauma often causes cognitive thinking to be impaired, making the involuntary trauma responses more confusing to the victim and more wrongly judged by outsiders.
The police may see her as the abuser or one of two abusers. Rather than getting the help she needs, she will be blamed for reacting even though it may have taken place after months or years of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse.
While being interviewed by police, she is not able yet to manage her trauma responses, thus appearing emotionally unstable, weak, or lacking credibility. While at the same time, the actual abuser is calculated, remains calm, and controls the narrative.
Even in self-defense, reactive abuse behaviors can be violent and are frequently misinterpreted.
It can be difficult even for skilled responders, addressed below in the Confusion for Responders section.
Sometimes, the reactions are so violent we are left wondering if reactive abuse is justified or should be on an equal par with the original abuse.
If you wonder if reactive abuse is justified, keep reading:
Is Reactive Abuse Justified?
As you can see, reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting itself instinctively from a traumatic encounter or threat.
The person being harmed has little to no control over their response as it happens. The reaction is justified and sometimes necessary to stop the abuse.
Here’s why.
The brain responds to threats by commanding a flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response.
Fleeing is when the victim runs from the situation (e.g., walks out, locks themselves in a separate room, runs out the door, or leaves in their car). It is one form of self-defense aimed at protecting the person from their abuser.
Fleeing, like fighting, fawning, and freezing, feels like a natural response to them—they flee without even thinking about it.
The brain chemistry that causes them to flee isn’t significantly different than when their mind and body react by fighting back. Because fleeing isn’t an aggressive act toward the abuser, whether it’s justified isn’t a question we ask.
However, when a victim fights back in self-defense, the questions (and problems for the victim) begin.
With either fleeing or fighting, the brain directs the action. The traumatized individual often is unable to ignore the brain’s directive. The response is involuntary. It’s automatic.
Thus, determining whether reactive abuse is justified isn’t an appropriate question.
If it is reactive abuse, it’s done in response to abuse and is justified. The traumatized victim is defending themself from a continuous stream of abusive behaviors that have happened over time. One cannot compare the victim’s involuntary reactions to abuse that aims to power over and control another person. The motives are diametrically opposed.
The Danger of Reactive Abuse
Even though reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting the victim from the abuser’s emotionally or physically violent behavior, it usually does not protect the victim as much as it helps the abuser.
Let’s take a closer look:
The Advantage of the Abuser
Abusers rely on the victim to react rather than calmly respond. In actuality, the abuser baits the victim to get a reaction so they can shift the blame onto the victim. Abusers are often relentless in their efforts to push the victim to the breaking point, hoping they will react uncontrollably so the abuser can mislabel them as mentally ill, crazy, or abusive.
Abusers rely on the victim’s reactive outbursts to protect the abuser’s image and shift blame and responsibility for the conflict onto the victim.
Those with narcissistic tendencies thrive when they garner sympathy from friends and family members, including those closest to the victim. Narcissists are highly focused on their public image and are most potent when they garner positive attention.
Meanwhile, the victim loses whatever safe community they had and moves closer toward complete isolation. Public shaming effectively labels the victim as the problem.
Over time, once friends and family question the victim’s mental well-being, they side with the abuser.
This makes it nearly impossible for the victim to feel safe to ask friends or family for the help they desperately need and deserve.
Suppose the victim decides to leave the relationship. In that case, the abuser has already used his deceptive influence regarding the victim’s behaviors to continue their false narrative and control, ultimately scapegoating the victim.
In child custody court battles, for example, the abuser may highlight the reactive abuse to make the judge question the victim’s credibility and stability as a parent or blame the victim for being the abusive one.
Or to defend against the victim’s valid claims of domestic violence, possibly denying requests for protective orders.
Some states nullify the responsibility to pay spousal support if the abuser can frame the victim as the abusive one. Abusers use this loophole to mischaracterize and frame the victim. Having turned their community against them, their friends and family might end up testifying on the abuser’s behalf.
The fear of these potential outcomes successfully prevents the victim from seeking and receiving social support.
The Effect on the Victim
Of course, the same things that are advantageous to the abuser are the most damaging to the victim.
Internal confusion and self-doubt can make the victim feel they need to remain in the relationship because they either mistakenly believe they are equally responsible or don’t believe they’ll get the support they need if they leave.
All the while, the abuser is never held accountable.
Also, most victims are very confused to see themselves reacting abusively with their partners. The hitting, raging, or other toxic reactions are uncharacteristic of how the victim would normally react when dealing with a conflict.
Witnessing their own aggressive response (which comes without forethought) is surprising and concerning to them.
They try to stop reacting aggressively but fail. It is difficult, if not impossible, for victims to heal from their trauma symptoms while in an atmosphere of ongoing trauma. They are trapped in a cycle of abuse with impaired cognitive function, which makes healthy decision-making more difficult. Victims instinctively know that leaving the abuser will bring on escalated abuse and retaliation in ways the victim cannot know for sure. The anticipatory fear of the trauma to come leaves them paralyzed rather than empowered to leave.
The abuser compounds their guilt by calling the victim abusive or unstable.
Or, they feign concern for their emotional well-being, making the victim believe they are not well.
They might even offer to pay for the victim to seek professional help.
This increases the victim’s sense of self-doubt, makes them question their own sanity, and increases their sense of dependence on their partner while also establishing a therapeutic record of their tendency to react aggressively.
What victims often don’t realize is they likely have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or complex PTSD, which presents in myriad ways from anger, frustration, fear, paranoia, and other emotions and explains their uncharacteristic response to their partner. Complex PTSD is difficult to heal. C-PTSD alters their mind and body in overwhelming ways.
Often, with covert emotional abuse, the victim does not realize they are being abused, which results in confusion and high levels of stress about their circumstances.
High stress and confusion over an extended period of time will likely cause PTSD, making it nearly impossible to recognize a connection between their trauma symptoms, hidden forms of manipulation and abuse, and their reactive behaviors.
The longer high stress and confusion continue, the more stress hormones and the more mentally and physically compromised the victim becomes.
Fragmented thinking and communication increase; they involuntarily shake and are emotionally and physically exhausted. Their endocrine and immune systems often become compromised or collapse, resulting in numerous physical illnesses.
Each symptom primes the victim to become more compromised and reactive in ways that are not normal for them. The victim has limited access to executive functions in the brain.
Initially, they cannot control how they react, and it’s nearly impossible to understand why they react out of character.
Many feel significant shame and guilt long after they have left the abusive relationship.
Confusion for Responders
A common issue with reactive abuse is that responders mistakenly believe both people in the relationship are abusive or that the victim is the real abuser.
This happens because reactive abuse often includes the same types of destructive behaviors the primary abuser uses, and responders do not know how to recognize the signs of abuse and trauma in the victim, which tells a more accurate story.
They also fail to understand an abuser’s destructive belief systems and patterns of behavior or why victims react aggressively.
As soon as they see the violent nature of the victim’s response, it’s proof that the victim is the person to blame or that they are both abusers.
Many therapists and law enforcement personnel believe both parties are abusive. Experts, however, who specialize in trauma and abuse know otherwise.
Simply put, there are rarely two abusers in an abusive intimate relationship.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports on its website, “There is no such thing as mutual abuse.”
There is a pattern of power and control that makes “mutual abuse” virtually impossible in actual situations of domestic violence and also does not exist when so-called abuse is reactive.
People may engage in situational violence, which is not intimate partner violence.
But situational violence lacks the power imbalance existing in relationship abuse.
There is nothing mutual about a victim’s defensive reactions to their abuser’s controlling, antagonistic, manipulative, or aggressive behaviors.
When hidden forms of emotional abuse are present, outsiders are even less likely to see what is occurring or understand the impact the relationship has on the victim. The way the traumatized victim presents makes it more likely for others to believe the victim is the one who is out of sorts, lacking credibility, and guilty of the conflict in the relationship.
Hidden forms of abuse and manipulation are so confusing and difficult to identify and describe that victims cannot find the words to explain best what they are enduring or to advocate for themselves. Responders make the mistake of blaming the victim instead of helping them.
Instead, responders need to educate themselves about the dynamics of abuse and become aware of the relationship between hidden forms of emotional abuse and trauma.
Emotional abuse is the common thread in all relational abuse cases. Therefore, it is essential that people helpers and responders become educated to recognize these subtle aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors.
If they don’t, they risk causing further harm and trauma to the victim through their inadvertent or intentionally destructive responses.
How Can You Know When Violence is Reactive or Abusive?
So how can you tell who is the abuser and who is the victim in the couple before you? How can you know the difference when both are acting in an emotionally or physically violent manner?
To answer these questions, it’s essential to understand some of the signs of trauma.
Trauma and the Abuser
Trauma from abuse causes physical symptoms such as uncontrollable shaking or trembling, difficulty communicating effectively, fragmented thinking or communication, willingness to self-blame, emotional fragility, and autoimmune diseases or other unexplained physical illnesses.
Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation, vacillating between emotional outbursts, crying, anger, frustration, confusion, or complete disconnection from any emotion.
In contrast, the abuser shows a high level of skill when controlling their emotions, words, and physical stature, making them appear cool and calm compared to the victim’s frantic, insecure, or confused state.
Victims are also much more agreeable to accepting responsibility for their mistakes. They are naturally empathic and are eager to self-reflect. In contrast, the abuser has little to no inner critic or ability to self-reflect while directing his criticism toward his partner.
The abuser will say and do just about anything to avoid accountability and responsibility for their actions.
The victim will be highly traumatized by the abuser’s false narrative and false accusations—and the presence of law enforcement—and the victim will likely be incapable of articulating an accurate explanation to counter them.
Best Practices for Responders
As a responder (therapist, pastor, officer, social worker, etc.), it’s vital to ask about the history of behavior in the relationship and look for ways each person presents.
But keep in mind that the victim is confused and traumatized and may not have yet come to identify herself as a victim of abuse, so you may not receive the answers you expect when the victim responds.
Also, remember to separate the people in the relationship so the victim responds to your questions authentically and confidentially.
It’s wholly ineffective and damaging when responders require the abused person to answer questions in front of their abuser. You don’t need to know who the abuser is yet. Separate the two.
This includes parents and children. Far too often, children are asked, while in the presence of their abusive parent or family member, if they feel safe without taking into consideration whether fear is making it impossible for them to answer honestly.
Simply put, there’s little to no chance you’ll get to the truth if you keep them together.
Remember, mutual abuse is rarely, if ever, an objective way of thinking.
Please do not throw your arms up in frustration and walk away from the couple, pretending they are both abusers.
If you watch and listen closely, you will eventually begin to see clearly which person is responsible for the chaos.
A Note for Victims: What to Do If You’re the Victim Lashing Out
Many victims who react abusively to their abuser’s actions wonder if they are the actual abuser and experience considerable guilt about how they’ve behaved.
How can you be sure you're not an abuser? The fact that you're questioning yourself and are willing to consider the possibility strongly indicates that you're not. Abusers don’t self-reflect. They rarely accept full responsibility for their abusive actions. They blame the other person in subtle or overt ways.
When you are confused by your reactive outbursts, note it.
If those behaviors are uncharacteristic, do not assume you are mentally ill or abusive. The fact that those responses are uncharacteristic is essential.
The term reactive abuse means just that: you are the one reacting to abuse, not the one initiating abuse or to blame for it. Your abuser’s faulty thinking, distorted beliefs about interpersonal relationships, sense of entitlement, domineering attitudes, and focus on managing their public image at the expense of the victim are the pillars that describe an abusive mindset.
To be sure about what role you have assumed, seek help from a licensed professional experienced in emotional abuse and trauma, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or your local domestic violence shelter.
Another impactful resource is taking The MEND Project’s self-paced course, Finding Clarity. The course will provide you with clarity to overcome your prolonged state of high stress and confusion. It will also provide you with a comprehensive education regarding the dynamics and subtleties of abuse. You will gain the proper language to identify and name your experiences to more effectively advocate for yourself. You will gain valuable insight into the mind of the abuser. And so much more. Attendees who have taken our course regularly report that the four-module course saved them a year or more of therapy. It will jump-start you on your healing journey.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you have likely been emotionally beaten down and disparaged for a long time – months, years, or even decades.
Once you have gained clarity regarding the types of abusive patterns you’ve endured, the way you view yourself internally, and your lack of self-love and overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, it is an excellent next phase to work on with a therapist trained in abuse.
In the past, your focus has likely been on helping your abuser change. Nothing you do will change your abuser. You may be ready to set a firm boundary to separate from your abuser, which, in a few cases, may be a motivating factor for the abuser to desire from a well-spring inside themselves to do the lengthy hard work required to change.
We can only change our behavior and what we believe about ourselves, which will, in turn, will help us become more decisive about saying no to abuse.
Now, it’s time to examine your worth, value, and internal beliefs about yourself and your relationships.
A good goal is to attain confidence and deep self-love, which will help you shift your faulty beliefs about what you deserve, your feelings of low self-worth, and your identity to more healthy thoughts. Feelings flow from our thoughts and beliefs. Therefore, it’s essential to unpack our own distorted beliefs about ourselves.
Healing may be a long process, but don’t be discouraged. You are not alone. Thousands of victims have achieved emotional and physical health that has forever changed their lives.
You are worthy! You can do it!
Conclusion
Understanding reactive abuse is crucial in navigating the complexities of abusive relationships.
Victims who display reactive abuse are not abusers themselves; they are individuals reacting instinctively to protect themselves from destructive behaviors, abusive oppression, and ongoing harm.
The focus should always be on supporting and empowering victims to recognize their value and worth, tap into resources, seek support, and break free from abusive cycles.
By educating ourselves and others about the dynamics of abuse and trauma, we can provide better support and ensure that victims receive the understanding and assistance they genuinely need and deserve.
Man I really needed this read!!! It explained so much well actually EVERYTHING I had questions about. Thank you for clarifying that!!!
I’m so glad you found it helpful!
so I totally relate with this although the relationship was when I was 18, I'm now 35 but. it's a small town. he's like 8 years older than me but he would accuse me of cheating for having friends, then hit me, tried choking me tried breaking my feet. come home with hickies on his neck then blame me for what he did wrong. the relationship didn't last very long maybe 5-6 months. I couldn't take the abuse anymore. I left him got my own place and always felt like he's been following me ever since I left apx 15 years ago. and being that there was an intimate relations. I still feel to this day and have seen him molesting me and others around me. I feel like he's got a grip on my private areas. and feel like people's kids are getting hurt. like the energy I get from him and his friends put me in constant defensive fight or flight mode. when he was the problem.i rarely am able to explain the whole story before someone buts in trying to label me the crazy person an he still does it to this day. he steals from me always with an excuse. tries to force me to be ok with his behavior. if he's not abusing me he's doing it to people around me and it's hard to prove. he's a manipulator whenever I try and explain what he's doing "hurting people" yet again they just call me crazy it kinda pisses me off. but I'm out of ideas on how I can stop him.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry for what you endured. What you describe is serious abuse. It makes sense that after experiences like that your body would still feel on high alert and stuck in fight or flight mode. What stands out to me is how long this has impacted your sense of safety and peace. Trauma can linger in powerful ways, especially when someone made you feel powerless or afraid for a long period of time. Feeling dismissed or labeled when trying to explain your experience can add another layer of hurt and confusion, at The MEND Project we call this Double Abuse. When one is traumatized as you are, it’s critically important to work on your healing. I strongly recommend that you take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and will fast track your healing. It’s long overdue that you take proactive steps to change your internal thoughts so you can heal. Graduates of the course regularly report that it changed their lives and saved them about a year of traditional therapy and empowered them. Please do this for yourself. One part of your story I’m confused about. I may have gotten it wrong but it sounds like he still may be abusing you. Please take the course to get your power back. I promise you it will set you free. Additionally, force yourself to do things that bring you joy. Move your body by walking, jogging or taking an exercise class. Until you’ve completed our course, don’t share with anyone and expect them to validate you. First, you need to learn proper language to describe what he’s doing and learn to only confide in people who will firmly stand with you. You are the only adult in your life who can know the full truth. When you’ve healed, you won’t need approval from other people. You are your best advocate. Please take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
I've been in an on and off again relationship like that with a sister. She done many horrible things. Most recently she left me stranded at
a hospital released from a hip replacement surgery and changed her mind to pick me up last minute and blamed it on my daughter. it went downhill from there
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry. Abuse can happen in family relationships too, not just romantic ones. When someone repeatedly harms, blames, or destabilizes you, it can create the same confusion and reactive responses. Pease take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and will bring you clarity while it fast tracks your healing. Graduates of the course regularly report that the course changed their lives, saved them about a year of traditional therapy and empowered them. Please take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
Love this I so do this and now it has a name
Thank you for sharing. I’m glad the article brought some clarity. So many survivors feel confused or ashamed by their reactions, not realizing they are trauma responses to prolonged harm. Giving something a name can be incredibly validating and is often the first step toward healing. If you’re ready, please take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and jump-starts healing. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward. Please take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
Not yet ready to tell my story but they may be a great book to come on the abuse the victim takes social mentally physically and financially and realistic thinking and beliefs for it’s hard to think a human could do so much damage to a person who literally lived for there abuser your not safe from own mother very sad that hearts are this way for they are true victim to never know the meaning a true love true friendship and true and happy endings there truly is a special place in hell for torture and abusive people
Thank you for opening up. The pain in your words is so clear, and I’m deeply sorry for all you’ve endured. Abuse impacts every part of a person. It can be incredibly difficult to make sense of how someone you loved and gave so much to could cause such harm.
You’re right that many survivors struggle to understand it because they would never treat another human being that way. That confusion is part of the Maze of Confusion. Abusive people have an entirely different worldview from those who are empathic in nature. Each is living in the relationship from entirely different play-books. Please be gentle with yourself. You have been through so much.
If you’re ready, please take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and jump-starts healing. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward, empowered and confident. Love, Annette
I googled I think my wife is rage baiting me to find tips on stress relief and anxiety. I find it weird being a man making a response. I’m surprised that this article is describing about an 8-10 of my current situation.
Luckily I haven’t made the “big mistake”.
A lot of people will say just leave but we have a child and in the 11 years this wasn’t a problem until the past few months or year and has been getting progressively worse over time.
The more I try to talk and figure things out the more everything becomes my fault and once I make a valid point then starts the yelling, name calling and being told “you’re so perfect “ which I then find myself constantly naming all my flaws to try to show her I’m not perfect instead of talking the original subject or concern. Now I’m all night writing paragraphs online because I feel guilty and she’s snoring sleeping like a baby which sometimes makes things more frustrating.
I know men are told we are supposed to have tough skin but it’s beginning to weigh on me and after reading this article I’m at an all time high in concern.
I just want to be the leader my family needs and I’m not just in a rush to pack up and run. This could be a cry for help from her and I would just be abandoning her. I don’t really want to consider infidelity as mostly all men and the few women I’ve spoken to say could be the cause. If it is so be it but until those cards fall I want to put the best effort into being a good husband as I can.
If anyone can provide and professional references that could help I would greatly appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing your circumstances. What you’re describing, blame shifting, yelling, name calling, and pulling you off the original concern, is not healthy conflict. It makes sense that you feel confused, guilty, and worn down.
Being a man does not mean you should tolerate this. Wanting to stay, especially with a child involved, is understandable, but you cannot fix this on your own. Her behavior is her responsibility. You can focus on staying calm, not over explaining, and stepping out of conversations when they turn into attacking you. What you describe is covert emotional abuse, not reactive defense. You’re trying to have a reasonable conversation or healthy conflict resolution with someone who is not willing to self-reflect. You, on the other hand, are attempting to show her your capacity to be introspective and accept responsibility even when it’s not your to take. She is unwilling or incapable. It often takes years in a marriage to uncover this type of behavior. She has likely been this way all along but you avoided conflict or stayed quiet when things didn’t feel right. The more clarity you obtain the more you hope to make the other person understand. She has shown you she is unwilling to accept responsibility for her part. She is not demonstrating empathy. These are deal breakers to finding a healthy outcome. I recommend that you emotionally desengage. Stop trying to explain yourself or make her understand. You’re seeking a deeper emotional connection while she is over-powering you. She wants to win arguments while you want solutions that benefit you both.
Please take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education about the nuances in your marriage and will fast-track your healing and understanding. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them the strength and knowledge to move forward, whether you decide to stay or leave. Here is a guide for choosing a therapist.
You’re not alone in this. Please take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
reactive abuse is just and excuse to abuse someone
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Abuse is never justified. The article is not excusing harm, it’s distinguishing between a pattern of power and control and a trauma response to being repeatedly harmed. That distinction is meant to bring clarity and reduce misplaced shame and to clarify differing motives, not to excuse abusive behavior.
wow.. I am the abused and this touched in so many truths. thank you.
I am glad you found it helpful and I am sorry for what you’ve experienced. Please take really good care of yourself. Love, Annette
I am a manipulator and a liar. I am an old creepy man. I was highly abusive to someone and never showed remorse, accountability nor any integrity. I pretty much used that person.
Acknowledging that you harmed someone and naming the behavior plainly is an important step. However, real accountability requires far more than words. It means fully accepting the damage caused, refusing to justify or minimize it, and committing to deep personal change without expecting forgiveness, reconciliation, or continued access to the person you harmed.
If you truly want to change, that work usually requires long-term counseling with someone experienced in abusive behavior who will unpack your thinking patterns and belief systems. Responsibility means ensuring the abuse stops permanently and doing the work necessary so it is never repeated. I would consider beginning by sending this person a letter of apology where you address the types of abuse you engaged in without justifications or explanations. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine what they went through. I would also consider including how they are a person far better than you deserved. Even though the relationship is long over, an apology may provide validation they may or may not appreciate. Kindly, Annette
Thank you Annette, but she's in her 50s Im in my 60s. We've known each other for years. I am known by many as a God fearing man, devout Catholic, active in the Church community volunteering for the handicapped. I was able to confuse her into believing in and trusting me.
I was able to confuse her because she opened herself up to me with her vulnerability.
I was extremely psychology, emotionally, and mentally abusive towards her. I lied and manipulated. I never felt or shown any remorse, shame, guilt nor took any accountability for my actions. I have zero integrity. She had been through so much and built herself a better life and I ripped it apart. Knowingly what she had been through.
I would spin or sling mud and then punish her with the silent treatment. She tried so very hard to explain what I was doing to her, and I fully understood, I just wanted to remain denying it all. When her therapist told her I confused her, and she told me about it, I laughed in her face. She told me after all she’s endured, she doesn’t feel she’ll fully recover from what I put her through. One of the last things I said to her is, if she wants to play the victim her whole life, to go for it. I know all that she's been through. And she's not only a survivor, but a thriver. And I dismantled her strength and courage. I accused her of being obsessed with a situation that I would constantly spin, over and over again and make her feel to blame, I would keep lying. Most times when she tried to have a reasonable conversation, I’d gaslight it into an argument and would punish her again with the silent treatment for her reaction.
Acknowledging it now in the comment section is good for you but it doesn’t extend to her. Real accountability means accepting that you caused lasting harm and that you are not entitled to forgiveness, understanding, or any form of continued access to her. An apology is not appropriate if it serves you. Make an honest apology to her in writing where you clearly state all the ways you manipulated and abused her. Validate her. Are you sorry for what you did? Or, are you simply wanting to get it off your chest? Take a deep look at the level of accountability you’re willing to face and whether you are willing to empathize by offering an unconditional apology. If you want something in return, don’t send any form of communication. If you truly want to change, tell people who think the best of you how abusive you’ve been and are. Let go of ‘image management’ and replace it will real honesty. Get uncomfortable and face into the truth.
Your reputation, faith, or standing in the community do not change what you did. It was merely another form of manipulation. This requires long-term, specialized intervention with someone experienced in abusive behavior who will confront your thinking patterns directly.
The responsibility is yours to ensure this never happens again. Kindly, Annette
very interesting article…forewarned is forearmed. now I understand my position i can cope better now. thank you…
I am so glad you found it helpful. Take good care of yourself!
Thank you so much for this article. A lot of things in here myself and my ex partner have both been going through, it’s just so hard to break the bond of love. I guess you keep being abused and getting abused. I’ve now come to the conclusion that you need to love yourself more than you love the one you love. Thank you so much again for this article. Really helped me understand some things from my side and hers
Thank you for sharing this. What you said is so true, trauma bonds can make it incredibly hard to leave, even when you clearly see the harm. That pull does not mean it’s healthy for you. it means the bond was formed through prolonged pain, confusion, and intermittant positive reenforcement.
Your insight about loving yourself more is a powerful step. Clarity like this is how the cycle begins to break. We need to love ourselves well, which spearheads what we will and will not accept.
If you’re ready, please take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and fast-tracks healing. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward with newfound confidence and self-love.
Please take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
Thank you. This has been very helpful. I don’t know if you can answer this and that’s okay. I related a lot to reactive defence. I threatened to expose my abuser if they didn’t stop the abuse, for example “ stop or i’ll send the cctv of you assaulting me in public to your friend” and “it could ruin your life” and I sent a screenshot of the CCTV to let my abuser know I was serious and to back off. I’m guessing after ten years of freeze state, it’s switched to fight response in desperation. I was wondering if this could land me in legal trouble when it was reactive defence?
Thank you for sharing this. You’re not wrong for wanting the abuse to end and for trying to protect yourself. That urgency makes sense. Threatening to share someone’s private information or images could potentially be framed as blackmail or harassment, even when it comes from a place of self‑defense. I’m not sure about this though. Please keep the video in a safe place, however, because you may need it in court at some point or with law enforcement.
We are not equipped to provide legal advice. If you’re worried about legal risk, it might help to speak with a local legal advocate or lawyer who understands domestic abuse dynamics and legalities in your area. Many domestic violence organizations offer free or low‑cost legal advice and can talk through your options confidentially. In terms of you possibly getting in trouble, if you hit or rage and your partner films you and then attempts to frame you as the true abuser, reactive defense situations can result in your being blamed as the true culprit or wrongly characterizing your relationship as mutually abusive. Mutual abuse is not what you are talking about, but law enforcement often thinks all abusive relationships are mutually abusive. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website clearly states that mutual abuse does not exist. There is an offender who aims to power over and control and their is a victim who reacts. Very different mindsets.
If you’re ready, please take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and jump-starts healing. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward with empowerment. Please take real good care of yourself. Love, Annette
dose the course coast anything
Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships costs $57. If the price is a factor, there is a scholarship application at the bottom of the page.
I believe my daughter is going through this right now. Her ex boyfriend will not leave her alone even though she has tried to end their two year relationship. He fits the narcissistic criteria to a tee, my daughter has little self-esteem, and last night she struck him with a heavy plastic object to try to get him to leave my house. He called the police and she is now in jail. Thank you for this article, as it helps me understand this, and it should help her as well when she goes before a judge
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry your family is going through this. When someone refuses to respect boundaries and continues to provoke or intimidate, people can react in desperation. That kind of reaction does not define who your daughter is. I would encourage your daughter to get a restraining order. If you can afford it, I would hire her an attorney so that she is not labeled the abuser. It does not surprise me that her ex called the police. They will say and do anything to power over and control their victims.
Your care and willingness to understand what she may be experiencing will matter more to her than you know right now. Situations like this often become clearer with education about coercive control and reactive defense. Please consider taking our Self-Paced Course for Those Responding to Abuse. And please be aware, that courts mostly don’t understand reactive defense. Your daughter could use real help right now navigating the court system. Please continue to educate yourself. You’re doing a great job. Warmly, Annette
This is true for my situation
Thank you for sharing that. Realizing your experience fits these patterns can be both validating and painful at the same time. You’re not alone in recognizing yourself in this dynamic, and that clarity is often the first step toward healing.
If you’re ready, please take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and jump-starts healing. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward.
I am going through hell right now and i don’t even know if i can still take it. I have kids that i need to think about and care for too but i cannot even take care of my owm self anymore. I need help but I am in a foreign country and has limited access to lots of resources . We only have one car which he is using go to work everyday.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Feeling trapped, overwhelmed, and responsible for your children while enduring abuse is incredibly heavy. Your exhaustion and despair make sense. What you’re describing sounds like coercive control, and the isolation of being in another country can make it feel even more frightening and hopeless.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are carrying far more than anyone should have to carry alone. Your life and your children’s lives matter, and you deserve safety and care. We have a phrase we like to use, “Clarity is the first necessary step to healing.” What every victim needs first is education, not only to unpack the patterns of abuse in your relationship but to unpack faulty thinking patterns that are causing you to be stuck. Ruminating and reacting is normal until you’ve been able to do the personal work to empower you.
Please take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It’s only four modules in length but packed with valuable information to help get you on your feet. Graduates of the course regularly report it was life saving and saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them the education, language, and tools to move forward with confidence and peace.
You are not alone in what you’re experiencing, even though it may feel that way right now. Please be proactive and take the course. Love, Annette
When my abuser was arrested I discarded his things. Now he is threatening me with charges for vandalism and throwing his things away even though most of them were stolen from his workplace. terrified. The abuse is documented and I was given a 12-month TPO. can he still press charges?
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry, this fear is very real. Anyone can try to make a police report, even when there is a TPO. That does not mean charges will be filed. Whether anything moves forward is up to law enforcement and the prosecutor. Your documented abuse and the protective order carry weight. Please know, threats like this are very commonly used to keep survivors afraid and silent. If you are approached by the police, I might consider telling them you discarded stolen merchandise because you didn’t want it in your home. That said, I would first ask an attorney so you don’t incriminate yourself. Finally, regardless of his threats, I would not respond to him. Doing so could nullify the TPO. Do things for yourself that bring you joy and that will produce endorphins to counteract the stress hormones surging through your body. Big hugs, Annette
Supposed the child was abused more than once by more than one adult? peers? Bullied because of His family then, grows up, and ends up being manipulated all over again by others? Different situations due to systemic issues? Feel they cannot find help due to constant biases? Like for example most examples given are when men abuse women even, though he himself was abused by Women since he was a child?
You’re right. Abuse is not gendered, and long-term harm can come from multiple abusers, peers, and biased systems. What you describe is child abuse and Double Abuse®, where disbelief and stereotypes erase men’s experiences. Your pain and confusion make sense, and your story deserves to be taken seriously. If you’re ready, please take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships, it offers a comprehensive education and jump-starts healing. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward with clarity and strength. Please take good care. Big hugs, Annette
I went to the hospital because my vision went double. The doctors kept me for a week. When I was released from the hospital my wife was gone. I found her and got her to come back home. We had two kids together. Eventually she tried to kill my kids and now I have custody. 2 months prior to her trying to kill the kids, she filed a temporary restraining order on me because I told her I wanted a divorce.
The court granted her the temporary order and it was within that time frame she did what she did to the kids.
I think I’m repeating something in the women that I choose. My kids were at a daycare facility, so I called to explain they won’t be there today…
the lady there ended up talking to me and I liked the attention. She was nice for a couple months.
My kids at the time were 3 and 1. I thought she was the go to person for raising kids because she works for a day care. Then all of a sudden, My kids need to be disciplined for everything. There was times when I thought wait a second that’s kinda excessive and not right, but that came with insults and just a lot of meanness.
Then we got to normal household daily things. I was not allowed to make them their favorite breakfast anymore we had to try new foods and if you didn’t eat the new food you are in trouble… I wasn’t allowed to cut a peanut butter in jelly in half for my kids 3 and 1 years old.
Then more and more.
One day, I finally snapped from her continuously getting in my ear and whispering mean things and threats. Being vindictive to no end and for punishing me or threatening punishment for helping my son learn to read…
“He’s stupid, his mom didn’t want him and I don’t either!”
I grabbed her by the hair 🙁 the back of her hair and was facing her. I cussed at her and yelled at her.
She smiled and said that it turns her on. 🙁
She threatens me daily and always gives me ultimatums and tells me that if I leave or want a divorce she will tell on me for getting mad at her and I won’t be able to have my kids ever again.
I’m getting tired of it
I am so sorry you and your children have endured this. What you describe is child emotional abuse and it sounds like you may not have included the details of physical abuse. A one and three-year old child are still babies. Children learn best with encouragement, positive reenforcement, and consistent compassion. Punitive parenting styles are deeply harmful in numerous ways including lasting harmful effects on your children’s brain development. You are the only person who can protect them and it’s a job you must do. You are experiencing coercive control and escalating danger, and your hair-grabbing moment was a trauma response that can be weaponized against you. From here, protect your children, peace, and custody by stepping away. Keep all contact brief and in writing, document every threat, avoid being alone with her, and consult a trauma informed family law attorney about safety and documentation. Please take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and fast-tracks much needed education and healing. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward feeling confident and empowered. Please be brave and protect your precious little ones. Love, Annette
Very much enlightening
I’m glad to hear it was helpful!
8 years physical horrid abuse painful broken bones busted lips black eyes broken toes fingers even tried to rip off my ripples constantly physical and of course emotionally but now.my body really hurts. years and I have calkwd the law he gone to jail 3 times and I lied got him out.my body cant anymore last night again broke my pinky punched me in my face. I cant call our local police because they told me not to anymore since ill just lie for him in court later. my family as well has given up tried to help. but now I have another broken finger and bruised face. I have covered it and now I just cant take anymore broken bones punches spit on thrown out on my bed anymore. but no one wants too help me anymore since I always cover it and run back.
I’m so so sorry. The cycle of recanting after assaults indicates you’re in a strong trauma bond; it doesn’t make abuse your fault, and being dismissed by police/family adds to the harm. That said, I understand their frustration. They try to help you but in the end you undermine their help. Your body is telling the truth: broken bones and facial injuries are emergency-level danger raising the risk for domestic homicide. It’s critically important for you to take these circumstances more seriously in terms of how you value your life. To break a trauma bond and become stronger so you are more able to follow through with the necessary consequences he needs to experience and you need to heal, requires emotional work on your part. You’re lacking in self-worth and self-love. Your internal thoughts about yourself and your internal beliefs about your agency in the relationship need to be addressed. What you describe tells me you’re stuck. Victims who don’t have the courage to leave are often stuck in the cycle of abuse and stuck in rigid thoughts about their value. A trauma bond feels like an addiction, where you can’t fathom leaving the relationship or the love that you intermittently experience. We have a phrase we believe at The MEND Project, clarity is the first necessary step to healing. We offer a self-paced online course where many graduates have shared, changed the course of their lives and saved them about a year of traditional therapy. This course is for people just like you, who struggle with their trauma bond, feelings, and outlook. The course is very inexpensive. If you still cannot afford it we offer scholarships. The course is titled Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education and fast-tracks healing. Please take this small step to help yourself. Other people cannot save you. You have to work on developing strength and courage, which takes time and effort. I also recommend that you join an online support group. They are inexpensive and profoundly helpful. You will learn from other survivors who are farther along than you and you will experience validation and support without judgement. It’s very difficult to heal in isolation. You need community. Fellow survivors who are working on growing and getting stronger will be a healing balm to your soul. You can also join our Restore coaching call community. We meet twice per month online where I teach a short lesson and a 45 minute Q & A. No question is off limits and no one will judge you. Please do these things for yourself. You need to be the adult in your life who takes new steps toward learning and healing. Please take real good care of yourself. Love, Annette
my situation is a bit different in that I am not in a relationship with the abuser. this person is a proxy harasser, accepting incentive to torment me on a daily basis. I am a disabled senior PTSD patient being bullied by the management company for the apartment property I live on. this has been going on for almost six years now. because of what they're doing and how they're doing it I cannot find anyone anywhere to help me make it stop. in this state, the way the laws are written, I have been unable to get any legal help. this include a center for people with disabilities and adult protective services. the first tried coercing me into an unwanted move from the property – " if you don't accept the forced move, we can't help you". I cant afford to move. I pay my rent and bills on time, never been late and keep to myself bothering no one. only one complaint against me and that came from the original abuser after I told the office I could smell his cigar smoke(upstairs neighbor) who has now been replaced with yet another abuser as the former one is now in assisted living because he drank himself to a diseased liver. adult protective services tells me because I can still wash myself and remember to pay my bills and the abuse isn't hitting me or stealing from me, they can't help me. everyday this man bangs my walls and follows me around through my apartment using thermal imaging ( all he has to do is follow the heat source). I've had to foil bits of my ceiling for minimal privacy which is nil because I cannot have private conversations in my home because he is also using audio to invade my privacy, just as the last proxy did. I am literally stuck in their wicked game of psychological warfare. they all know I'm a PTSD patient. the entire management team here is in on it from the manager down to maintenance. the person upstairs is also an employee of the company but works on a different property. all this makes me sound like a paranoid schizo but it's all true. many don't/ haven't believed me, ALL have given one reason or another they can't help me. this includes the local PD. I can't even get them to come to the property. I tried to file a report online which was never acknowledged. I know the property manager was contacted because each time I reach out for help anywhere and the abuse escalates I know they've contacted the manager. I have years of email communications with this and the former manager, housing case managers I've had through the last 5.5 years, MHP case managers or counselor, mediation services, senior services, attorneys offered through the housing voucher program, HUD headquarters .. I have exhausted every resource ever given me. not one soul anywhere cares enough to actually help me outside of handing me basically the exact same resource sheet they all pass out. even the states real estate division can't help me because the company isn't licensed because here they don't have to be. I have literally aged 10 years and grown physically sicker in the 5+ years I've been here.
I’m so sorry, you’ve been enduring sustained harassment and indifference that would wear anyone down. What you describe sounds like psychological warfare, and being dismissed by helpers is institutional betrayal, what we call Double Abuse®, that deepens the harm. Your exhaustion, hypervigilance, and feeling unwell make sense as trauma responses. I believe you. Your experience matters, and you deserve dignity, safety, and peace. What I’m about to say is in no way meant to minimize the seriousness of your situation. PTSD can greatly improve when you get outside of the traumatic circumstances and partake in new activities. Go for walks, join an exercise class and attend regularly. Take a class in something creative, like pottery, painting, etc. Each activity produces endorphins to help counteract the stress hormones surging through your body. I also recommend that you take a break from seeking justice. Instead, give yourself some time to pursue outside activities that bring you joy. Take a break from discussing the details of these circumstances with friends. Shift your focus to self-care activities. It sounds like there is no legal way to combat the treatment you’re receiving. That’s only one reason I’d like to see you take a break. It’s important to try something new to nurture your well-being. You are your best advocate. Rather than focusing on how others may help you, do things to help change your mood so your physical and mental health can have a chance to improve. I hope this makes sense. Please take real good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
I have been threatened numerous times by voicemails, text messages or through other people relaying her threats to me. This has been going on for 8 months. She is mad because I caught her and my now ex boyfriend together, sexting one another, and seeing each other through our whole 7 yr relationship. So after I found out what the 2 were doing I immediately told her boyfriend. I thought it was the right thing to do. Ever since then she has been sending me threats. Well the other night I saw her and her friend and she attacked me so my natural reaction was to defend myself so I fought back. And because I fought back we both went to jail. I was and still am scared to death. We have the same court date and I’m so afraid she will attack me again. After bonding out of jail I came straight home and haven’t been anywhere. I can’t make myself get out of my house. I’m so afraid she will be waiting on me to attack me again. What should I do? This lady is a school teacher and I never dreamed she would ever actually attack me. But she did and now I think I suffer from PTSD.
I’m so sorry. For safety and court: save every threat (screenshots/voicemails), and ask the court in writing for separate arrival times plus a no-contact/stay-away order, a protective order. Bring a support person and check in with court security on arrival. Speak with a trauma-informed DV advocate or legal aid about presenting your evidence. Your jumpiness and fear are trauma responses, be gentle with yourself. She attacked you first. Make sure you frame your response as self-defense. Get that protective order to establish that you are the victim, not the offender. And yes, you’re having a PTSD response. Please find someone you can confide in and please take real good care of yourself. Love, Annette
I responded reactively and that caused the abuse to worsen as he then physically injured me after I broke something on the floor. Its been 5 years and I'm in pain every day. I have been out of work for 5 years and need employment.
I’m so sorry. Your breaking something was a trauma response (reactive defense); it doesn’t excuse his violence, and I’m sad you’re still in daily pain. Please take our online course and please join an online support group. You need to get stronger mentally and emotionally. A support group will give your the validation and compassion you desperately need and deserve. It will help you get much stronger and more confident to improve your ability to find work and better your life. Warmly, Annette
After reading this article it helped me understand a little bit what I am going through.
I am currently coming to terms and accepting that I have been in a relationship with someone that has constantly gaslighted me, manipulated me, threatened me with aggressive out bursts.
My partner suffers from addictions such as substance use, so it’s been a very hard journey trying to work through it, and trying to understand the two different realities this person lives in.
For so long I have remained silent, isolated myself from family and friends feeling ashamed to tell them everything that happens between closed doors. They are only aware of the public events.
I’ve made many attempts to leave the relationship and always find myself accepting him back. I have even found myself going out of my way to do things for him I didn’t want to do after being guilt tripped.
About two days ago was the biggest event of drama, I I found myself in a situation of fleeing when my partner started to be verbally aggressive and up in my face, I just walked off down the street and he followed me and stood infront of me shouting in my face demanding that I do as he says, threatening me and insulting me until I lost control of my emotions and I slapped him and stormed off continuing to flee. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I felt bad and scared at the same time. I was shaking and worried what would happened.
Then I went to my car, locked myself in my car and he came up and pulling on the door handle demanding I open the door I said no he said to wind down the window, so I opened the window just so slightly for him to speak through and he shouted insults literally spitting through the window threatening to punch the window of my car. In anger I open my car door with force which pushed him out the way and he came raging up to me about to I don’t know maybe hit me or something I’m not sure but 3 men pinned him to the floor and told me to drive off. Which I did. And I just have the image running through my head as I was reversing my car which was parked seeing him being pinned to the floor by 3 other men in order to stop him from lashing out at me.
And after repeating a lot of aggressive moments were his has to be stopped from hitting me by others, he has never actually ended up hitting me just threats, gaslighting and manipulation, I’ve always been indenial , that even though he has never hit me, the acts of aggression and treats has actually impacted heavily my mental health.
So yes this article has helped me understand a little more about my reaction to his abuse.
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. What you describe, gaslighting, blocking your path, yelling in your face, threats, is overt and covert abuse and coercive control. Your slap was a trauma response (reactive defense), not a campaign to harm. You need to know that addiction may explain his swings, but it never excuses intimidation. His world view regarding how relationships should function is deeply rooted in abusiveness, faulty thinking patterns and beliefs, entitlement, and a low emotional IQ. Substance abuse does not change or create an abusive mindset. It exacerbates it at times. You are trauma bonded to him. Rather than focusing on his behavior, I would like to see you think more about your internal thoughts about yourself, your self-worth, and lack of love for yourself. Working through those things will begin to make you stronger. Nothing you say or do deserves to be treated this way. I would seriously consider obtaining a protective order. I would film his outburts or secretly record them so you have proof. The problem with slapping him is he can use that to frame you as the abusive one in the relationship. Please don’t do that again. From here, prioritize safety: leave at the first sign of escalation, don’t open doors/windows under pressure, keep any necessary communication brief and in writing, and quietly document incidents while leaning on safe allies. Please seriously consider taking our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a comprehensive education about the nuances of your relationship and will jump-start your healing journey. Graduates of the course regularly report it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and gave them language and tools to move forward with more confidence. Read our article on trauma bonding. Please take real good care of yourself. Love, Annette
You are wrong. Abuse is abuse and one doesn’t justify the other. Abuse is a choice. Not a reaction.
Thank you for raising this. On this we agree: harm is not okay, and each person is responsible for their actions. In our work we don’t excuse violence; we use “reactive defense” to describe out-of-character responses that can emerge under chronic or recurring trauma while keeping accountability on the ongoing pattern of power and control. Naming the pattern and motives behind the harm helps responders protect victims and helps survivors reduce reactivity so their reactions aren’t weaponized against them. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website says, There is no such thing as mutual abuse. There is one person who aims to power over and control and there is another who is experiencing involuntary physical reactions within their nervous system. The nervous system, powered by the brain, is powerful. It is very difficult to self-regulate when there is recurring trauma.
Those with trauma still can control how they react, and are still in charge of their mouths and motor functions. All the trauma on the planet will never justify more abuse from the abusee.
You’re right: harm is not okay, and each of us is responsible for our words and actions. In our work, “reactive defense” doesn’t excuse violence; it names how chronic coercion can dysregulate the nervous system and trigger out-of-character reactions while keeping the focus on the offender’s ongoing pattern of power and control. Trauma responses are involuntary physical reactions. It is very difficult to self regulate when one is in an ongoing situation with recurring trauma or when they haven’t worked through past traumas. Our nervous systems are powerful and often override our thinking. Big hugs, Annette