Discerning the experiences and stories of two people can be tricky and confusing.
This is especially true when there is a long history of abuse, and the victim’s involuntary trauma responses are triggered by recurring abusive attacks. Both people act in ways that could be considered emotionally violent and/or abusive to an outsider.
This may make it appear as if there are two victims and two abusers when, in reality, there is only one.
A violent or aggressive response to an abusive partner is called reactive abuse. We prefer the term reactive defense. The victim’s reaction does not turn them into an abuser.
So, what is going on?
In this article, you will learn:
- How to define reactive abuse
- What causes the abused person to react emotionally or physically violently
- The difference between the abuser’s motives and mindset versus their victim’s
- And how to discern who’s the abuser
Let’s get started.
What is Reactive Abuse?
When a victim has been in an abusive relationship for a while, they begin to defend themselves against emotionally or physically violent attacks.
The term ‘reactive abuse’ refers to a victim’s defensive response to the narcissistic abuse behaviors they have been experiencing repeatedly over time.
Although it is called reactive abuse, MEND prefers the term reactive defense because a victim is not an abuser.
Reactive abuse occurs when the victim either becomes exhausted and frustrated or the aggressor in response to the abuser, such as by throwing something, pushing the abuser out of the way, slapping, raging, or angry outbursts.
In truth, reactive abuse is self-defense, not abuse.
This happens when the victim, who has been dealing with abusive behavior over a sustained period of time, reaches an internal breaking point. The prolonged physical or emotional abuse they have endured causes them to react impulsively rather than respond calmly.
A victim who reacts abusively is usually acting out of character, leaving them confused and surprised by their response. This leads to more self-doubt and self-criticism.
Even though it comes out of the body’s natural defense mechanism, which is designed to protect them from violence, reactive abuse almost always harms the victim more than the abuser.
Even in healthy relationships, there are times we respond in ways that are uncharacteristic of our true selves.
So, why isn’t reactive abuse considered abuse?
Let’s take a look.
How Does Reactive Abuse Work?
Reactive abuse is a victim’s way of self-defense against the overwhelming injustice their abuser is doing to them. Their defensive reaction does not put the victim on an equal par with the abuser or transform them from victim to abuser.
You might wonder: “Why doesn’t it?”
To answer this, let’s look into the mindset of an abuser.
The Abusive Mindset
Victims of domestic violence do not bring violence upon themselves, nor are they abusive like their partner is. True abuse is a choice the abuser makes. It is not an accident, and it’s never the victim’s fault.
Abusers, or those who cause harm, have entrenched faulty thinking patterns and beliefs that lead to destructive behaviors and a need to power over and control their partner. Abusers have entrenched beliefs about entitlement, placing the victim in a downgraded position. These feelings encourage them to use manipulative aggression.
And when the victim raises a reasonable complaint, concern, or hurt, the abuser will react defensively to shut the victim’s voice down.
The abusive behavior can be overt, such as through physical violence, sexual, or overt psychological abuse.
It can also be covert through gaslighting, minimization, blame-shifting, or any other hidden manipulative behavior.
Whether overt or covert, abusive words and actions are forms of intimate partner violence.
The reverse, however, is not automatically true because violence does not necessarily equal abuse.
When victims fight back, it is usually to stop a dangerous situation or oppression. The actions do not come from an abusive mindset to power over and control their partner.
Reactive abuse is often due to prolonged states of high stress and confusion, or what are known as trauma states, in response to having their voice and personhood controlled or shut down. It doesn’t equal mutual abuse. Understanding this requires us to take a look at what causes the victim to respond this way.
The Involuntary Reaction
The victim’s response is an involuntary reaction caused by the cumulative trauma they have been experiencing over time and comes from a place of extreme frustration or self-defense.
Whether the abuse is physical, emotional, or sexual, it causes deep fear and stress and puts the victim on high alert.
When the victim senses danger, the brain releases stress hormones that help the body defend against the threat.
This is known as a “stress response” or “trauma response,” which is more commonly called a “fight, freeze, flight or fawn response.”
In other words, the victim’s natural response is for their body to prepare to freeze, flee, fight back, or appease their abuser, especially when they perceive a threat to their safety or freedom.
Recurring trauma has harmful effects on one’s mind and body.
A trauma response happens automatically and involuntarily, without thinking about it in advance. It usually surprises the victim more than the abuser.
Here are some examples of what that can look like.
Examples of Reactive Abuse
When the victim feels overwhelmed with distress, fear, and powerlessness, their natural defense may be to scream, yell insults, or even physically lash out at their abuser to either clarify the false narrative being imposed upon them or cut off the abuser’s attack.
A person who does not normally curse, hit, or rage may find themselves doing these things in response to their partner’s abusive and controlling aggression.
When Children React
For example, a child whose parent abuses them feels defenseless against their attack.
They often don’t feel they have access to the fight response. Their level of dependency upon the adult, lack of autonomy, and fear limit them to freezing or fawning during a trauma response.
Some children, however, will flee or fight back. Usually, this takes place after recurring trauma or abuse. Some ways you might understandably see a child fight is by:
- destroying something in the house
- cursing at their parents
- or telling them they hate them
Although the child is defending themself in the most powerful way they can, the abuser will likely blame and punish them.
Outsiders may assume the parent is doing all they can to help an “unruly” or “problem” child. Children are rarely believed and, therefore, rarely report abuse by a parent or caretaker.
On the inside, the child often feels guilt and shame for acting out. They depend on an adult to validate them and to be emotionally available, so when adults are abusive, emotionally or physically neglectful, punitive, or critical, the child develops a low sense of self-worth that can take a lifetime to change.
Recurring trauma during the developmental stages of life impacts the way a child’s brain develops. Trauma changes the brain. The child’s brain will develop an enlarged amygdala, like the accelerator in a car, and an underdeveloped hippocampus, which acts like the breaks in a car.
In other words, the child’s stress hormones and distorted brain development will result in limited access to cognitive functions, causing higher levels of reactivity and lower ability to self-regulate.
Example of an Adult’s Reaction
Perhaps a woman reacts to years of her husband’s abuse by hitting him with a skillet.
Or, she screams at him, calls him names, or slaps him.
When the police respond to the domestic violence call, her abuser, most often, presents in a calm and controlled manner while manipulatively telling them she assaulted him. She will readily admit she hit him, apologize, and try to explain.
Internally, she doesn’t know how to explain because she doesn’t understand why her mind and body reacted that way. Recurring trauma often causes cognitive thinking to be impaired, making the involuntary trauma responses more confusing to the victim and more wrongly judged by outsiders.
The police may see her as the abuser or one of two abusers. Rather than getting the help she needs, she will be blamed for reacting even though it may have taken place after months or years of physical, psychological, or sexual abuse.
While being interviewed by police, she is not able yet to manage her trauma responses, thus appearing emotionally unstable, weak, or lacking credibility. While at the same time, the actual abuser is calculated, remains calm, and controls the narrative.
Even in self-defense, reactive abuse behaviors can be violent and are frequently misinterpreted.
It can be difficult even for skilled responders, addressed below in the Confusion for Responders section.
Sometimes, the reactions are so violent we are left wondering if reactive abuse is justified or should be on an equal par with the original abuse.
If you wonder if reactive abuse is justified, keep reading:
Is Reactive Abuse Justified?
As you can see, reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting itself instinctively from a traumatic encounter or threat.
The person being harmed has little to no control over their response as it happens. The reaction is justified and sometimes necessary to stop the abuse.
Here’s why.
The brain responds to threats by commanding a flight, fight, freeze, or fawn response.
Fleeing is when the victim runs from the situation (e.g., walks out, locks themselves in a separate room, runs out the door, or leaves in their car). It is one form of self-defense aimed at protecting the person from their abuser.
Fleeing, like fighting, fawning, and freezing, feels like a natural response to them—they flee without even thinking about it.
The brain chemistry that causes them to flee isn’t significantly different than when their mind and body react by fighting back. Because fleeing isn’t an aggressive act toward the abuser, whether it’s justified isn’t a question we ask.
However, when a victim fights back in self-defense, the questions (and problems for the victim) begin.
With either fleeing or fighting, the brain directs the action. The traumatized individual often is unable to ignore the brain’s directive. The response is involuntary. It’s automatic.
Thus, determining whether reactive abuse is justified isn’t an appropriate question.
If it is reactive abuse, it’s done in response to abuse and is justified. The traumatized victim is defending themself from a continuous stream of abusive behaviors that have happened over time. One cannot compare the victim’s involuntary reactions to abuse that aims to power over and control another person. The motives are diametrically opposed.
The Danger of Reactive Abuse
Even though reactive abuse is the body’s way of protecting the victim from the abuser’s emotionally or physically violent behavior, it usually does not protect the victim as much as it helps the abuser.
Let’s take a closer look:
The Advantage of the Abuser
Abusers rely on the victim to react rather than calmly respond. In actuality, the abuser baits the victim to get a reaction so they can shift the blame onto the victim. Abusers are often relentless in their efforts to push the victim to the breaking point, hoping they will react uncontrollably so the abuser can mislabel them as mentally ill, crazy, or abusive. Abusers rely on the victim’s reactive outbursts to protect the abuser’s image and shift blame and responsibility for the conflict onto the victim. Those with narcissistic tendencies thrive when they garner sympathy from friends and family members, including those closest to the victim. Narcissists are highly focused on their public image and are most potent when they garner positive attention. Meanwhile, the victim loses whatever safe community they had and moves closer toward complete isolation. Public shaming effectively labels the victim as the problem.Over time, once friends and family question the victim’s mental well-being, they side with the abuser. This makes it nearly impossible for the victim to feel safe to ask friends or family for the help they desperately need and deserve.Suppose the victim decides to leave the relationship. In that case, the abuser has already used his deceptive influence regarding the victim’s behaviors to continue their false narrative and control, ultimately scapegoating the victim. In child custody court battles, for example, the abuser may highlight the reactive abuse to make the judge question the victim’s credibility and stability as a parent or blame the victim for being the abusive one. Or to defend against the victim’s valid claims of domestic violence, possibly denying requests for protective orders.Some states nullify the responsibility to pay spousal support if the abuser can frame the victim as the abusive one. Abusers use this loophole to mischaracterize and frame the victim. Having turned their community against them, their friends and family might end up testifying on the abuser’s behalf.The fear of these potential outcomes successfully prevents the victim from seeking and receiving social support.
The Effect on the Victim
Of course, the same things that are advantageous to the abuser are the most damaging to the victim. Internal confusion and self-doubt can make the victim feel they need to remain in the relationship because they either mistakenly believe they are equally responsible or don’t believe they’ll get the support they need if they leave. All the while, the abuser is never held accountable.Also, most victims are very confused to see themselves reacting abusively with their partners. The hitting, raging, or other toxic reactions are uncharacteristic of how the victim would normally react when dealing with a conflict. Witnessing their own aggressive response (which comes without forethought) is surprising and concerning to them. They try to stop reacting aggressively but fail. It is difficult, if not impossible, for victims to heal from their trauma symptoms while in an atmosphere of ongoing trauma. They are trapped in a cycle of abuse with impaired cognitive function, which makes healthy decision-making more difficult. Victims instinctively know that leaving the abuser will bring on escalated abuse and retaliation in ways the victim cannot know for sure. The anticipatory fear of the trauma to come leaves them paralyzed rather than empowered to leave.The abuser compounds their guilt by calling the victim abusive or unstable. Or, they feign concern for their emotional well-being, making the victim believe they are not well. They might even offer to pay for the victim to seek professional help. This increases the victim’s sense of self-doubt, makes them question their own sanity, and increases their sense of dependence on their partner while also establishing a therapeutic record of their tendency to react aggressively.What victims often don’t realize is they likely have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or complex PTSD, which presents in myriad ways from anger, frustration, fear, paranoia, and other emotions and explains their uncharacteristic response to their partner. Complex PTSD is difficult to heal. C-PTSD alters their mind and body in overwhelming ways. Often, with covert emotional abuse, the victim does not realize they are being abused, which results in confusion and high levels of stress about their circumstances. High stress and confusion over an extended period of time will likely cause PTSD, making it nearly impossible to recognize a connection between their trauma symptoms, hidden forms of manipulation and abuse, and their reactive behaviors. The longer high stress and confusion continue, the more stress hormones and the more mentally and physically compromised the victim becomes. Fragmented thinking and communication increase; they involuntarily shake and are emotionally and physically exhausted. Their endocrine and immune systems often become compromised or collapse, resulting in numerous physical illnesses.Each symptom primes the victim to become more compromised and reactive in ways that are not normal for them. The victim has limited access to executive functions in the brain.Initially, they cannot control how they react, and it’s nearly impossible to understand why they react out of character.Many feel significant shame and guilt long after they have left the abusive relationship.
Confusion for Responders
A common issue with reactive abuse is that responders mistakenly believe both people in the relationship are abusive or that the victim is the real abuser. This happens because reactive abuse often includes the same types of destructive behaviors the primary abuser uses, and responders do not know how to recognize the signs of abuse and trauma in the victim, which tells a more accurate story.They also fail to understand an abuser’s destructive belief systems and patterns of behavior or why victims react aggressively. As soon as they see the violent nature of the victim’s response, it’s proof that the victim is the person to blame or that they are both abusers. Many therapists and law enforcement personnel believe both parties are abusive. Experts, however, who specialize in trauma and abuse know otherwise. Simply put, there are rarely two abusers in an abusive intimate relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports on its website, “There is no such thing as mutual abuse.”There is a pattern of power and control that makes “mutual abuse” virtually impossible in actual situations of domestic violence and also does not exist when so-called abuse is reactive. People may engage in situational violence, which is not intimate partner violence. But situational violence lacks the power imbalance existing in relationship abuse. There is nothing mutual about a victim’s defensive reactions to their abuser’s controlling, antagonistic, manipulative, or aggressive behaviors.When hidden forms of emotional abuse are present, outsiders are even less likely to see what is occurring or understand the impact the relationship has on the victim. The way the traumatized victim presents makes it more likely for others to believe the victim is the one who is out of sorts, lacking credibility, and guilty of the conflict in the relationship.Hidden forms of abuse and manipulation are so confusing and difficult to identify and describe that victims cannot find the words to explain best what they are enduring or to advocate for themselves. Responders make the mistake of blaming the victim instead of helping them. Instead, responders need to educate themselves about the dynamics of abuse and become aware of the relationship between hidden forms of emotional abuse and trauma. Emotional abuse is the common thread in all relational abuse cases. Therefore, it is essential that people helpers and responders become educated to recognize these subtle aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviors.If they don’t, they risk causing further harm and trauma to the victim through their inadvertent or intentionally destructive responses.
How Can You Know When Violence is Reactive or Abusive?
So how can you tell who is the abuser and who is the victim in the couple before you? How can you know the difference when both are acting in an emotionally or physically violent manner?
To answer these questions, it’s essential to understand some of the signs of trauma.
Trauma and the Abuser
Trauma from abuse causes physical symptoms such as uncontrollable shaking or trembling, difficulty communicating effectively, fragmented thinking or communication, willingness to self-blame, emotional fragility, and autoimmune diseases or other unexplained physical illnesses.Trauma victims often experience emotional dysregulation, vacillating between emotional outbursts, crying, anger, frustration, confusion, or complete disconnection from any emotion. In contrast, the abuser shows a high level of skill when controlling their emotions, words, and physical stature, making them appear cool and calm compared to the victim’s frantic, insecure, or confused state. Victims are also much more agreeable to accepting responsibility for their mistakes. They are naturally empathic and are eager to self-reflect. In contrast, the abuser has little to no inner critic or ability to self-reflect while directing his criticism toward his partner.The abuser will say and do just about anything to avoid accountability and responsibility for their actions. The victim will be highly traumatized by the abuser’s false narrative and false accusations—and the presence of law enforcement—and the victim will likely be incapable of articulating an accurate explanation to counter them.
Best Practices for Responders
As a responder (therapist, pastor, officer, social worker, etc.), it’s vital to ask about the history of behavior in the relationship and look for ways each person presents.But keep in mind that the victim is confused and traumatized and may not have yet come to identify herself as a victim of abuse, so you may not receive the answers you expect when the victim responds. Also, remember to separate the people in the relationship so the victim responds to your questions authentically and confidentially. It’s wholly ineffective and damaging when responders require the abused person to answer questions in front of their abuser. You don’t need to know who the abuser is yet. Separate the two. This includes parents and children. Far too often, children are asked, while in the presence of their abusive parent or family member, if they feel safe without taking into consideration whether fear is making it impossible for them to answer honestly. Simply put, there’s little to no chance you’ll get to the truth if you keep them together. Remember, mutual abuse is rarely, if ever, an objective way of thinking. Please do not throw your arms up in frustration and walk away from the couple, pretending they are both abusers. If you watch and listen closely, you will eventually begin to see clearly which person is responsible for the chaos.
A Note for Victims: What to Do If You’re the Victim Lashing Out
Many victims who react abusively to their abuser’s actions wonder if they are the actual abuser and experience considerable guilt about how they’ve behaved. How can you be sure you’re not an abuser? The fact that you’re questioning yourself and are willing to consider the possibility strongly indicates that you’re not. Abusers don’t self-reflect. They rarely accept full responsibility for their abusive actions. They blame the other person in subtle or overt ways.When you are confused by your reactive outbursts, note it. If those behaviors are uncharacteristic, do not assume you are mentally ill or abusive. The fact that those responses are uncharacteristic is essential.The term reactive abuse means just that: you are the one reacting to abuse, not the one initiating abuse or to blame for it. Your abuser’s faulty thinking, distorted beliefs about interpersonal relationships, sense of entitlement, domineering attitudes, and focus on managing their public image at the expense of the victim are the pillars that describe an abusive mindset. To be sure about what role you have assumed, seek help from a licensed professional experienced in emotional abuse and trauma, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, or your local domestic violence shelter. Another impactful resource is taking The MEND Project’s self-paced course, Finding Clarity. The course will provide you with clarity to overcome your prolonged state of high stress and confusion. It will also provide you with a comprehensive education regarding the dynamics and subtleties of abuse. You will gain the proper language to identify and name your experiences to more effectively advocate for yourself. You will gain valuable insight into the mind of the abuser. And so much more. Attendees who have taken our course regularly report that the four-module course saved them a year or more of therapy. It will jump-start you on your healing journey.If you are in an abusive relationship, you have likely been emotionally beaten down and disparaged for a long time – months, years, or even decades. Once you have gained clarity regarding the types of abusive patterns you’ve endured, the way you view yourself internally, and your lack of self-love and overwhelming feelings of self-doubt, it is an excellent next phase to work on with a therapist trained in abuse. In the past, your focus has likely been on helping your abuser change. Nothing you do will change your abuser. You may be ready to set a firm boundary to separate from your abuser, which, in a few cases, may be a motivating factor for the abuser to desire from a well-spring inside themselves to do the lengthy hard work required to change. We can only change our behavior and what we believe about ourselves, which will, in turn, will help us become more decisive about saying no to abuse.Now, it’s time to examine your worth, value, and internal beliefs about yourself and your relationships. A good goal is to attain confidence and deep self-love, which will help you shift your faulty beliefs about what you deserve, your feelings of low self-worth, and your identity to more healthy thoughts. Feelings flow from our thoughts and beliefs. Therefore, it’s essential to unpack our own distorted beliefs about ourselves.Healing may be a long process, but don’t be discouraged. You are not alone. Thousands of victims have achieved emotional and physical health that has forever changed their lives.
You are worthy! You can do it!
Conclusion
Understanding reactive abuse is crucial in navigating the complexities of abusive relationships. Victims who display reactive abuse are not abusers themselves; they are individuals reacting instinctively to protect themselves from destructive behaviors, abusive oppression, and ongoing harm. The focus should always be on supporting and empowering victims to recognize their value and worth, tap into resources, seek support, and break free from abusive cycles. By educating ourselves and others about the dynamics of abuse and trauma, we can provide better support and ensure that victims receive the understanding and assistance they genuinely need and deserve.
Thank you for your article on reactive abuse! I’ve been struggling with guilt, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault.
We are so glad it helped you. Too many victims wonder if they are equally at fault or abusive. Once the clarity comes from understanding the dynamic behind their reactions, really defensive reactions (not abuse), they are able to release the guilt and move forward toward their complete healing. Bless you in your journey.
I was feeling the same and I had a “friend” tell me I had been verbally and physically abusive to him and that he didn’t cause it. That my reaction was on me. This made me go deeper into the guilt and once again questioning whether or not I deserved the sexual abuse, the indifference, the lack of compassion. I was wondering if the gaslighting was actually gaslighting or just me being too dramatic like he would say.
Yes, that’s what we call “Double Abuse.” While technically not “abuse” the response exacerbates a victim’s trauma-related symptoms. I am so sorry this happened to you. We have some blogs on self forgiveness that are aimed towards doing practices that will release you from the shame, guilt or issues others put on you even though your responses were reasonable in light of the circumstances. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us at [email protected] if you would like more of a dialogue. In the meantime, we hope you continue to find light and healing through your journey.
This article was exactly what I needed. I was psychologically abused by my husband for 3 years. I reacted to the abuse and was arrested for a felony because he is 65 I am 64. it has ruined my chance for employment and housing. I still await trial date. I was considering a plea deal. now I think I’d rather go to court to present my history of abuse
thank you so much for helping me understand what happened.
We are so glad you have gained clarity through this article. Hopefully, it can help your attorney communicate more clearly and to advocate better for you! Take care.
I’m a disabled senior that’s been dealing with an emotionally trapped situation. I am 60 and left a 50k/y job to core for my mother because my aunts told me “cone stay with her and retire”. But once I got here they pulled the rug out from under me then told me find a job or be homeless. APS, FAMILY SERVICES, SHERRIF, USAG… no help in Florida.
I am so sorry to hear this. I encourage you to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233)) or their website at hotline.org. You’ll find resources near you where you might be able to get the right type of help. They might be able to direct you to shelter or other help against the abuse you are experiencing.
thank you so much for this.. I’m crying reading it. 😭❤️❤️
We are so glad you gained value from this!! Keep reading and exploring our website. I hope you’ll take some time to look through our free workshop trainings which are recorded and housed on our website under tools and resources page. Hugs, Stephanie Byerly
100% clearly explained & as a victim from sexual/physical abusive parents in childhood to years later a victim in an intimate relationship I can tell you clearly understand how victims overall wellbeing has been grossly compromised. Im 56 & was saved at age 19. During the years I suffered abuse as a child, my saving grace was being asked by several parents in my neighborhood if I’d be interested in babysitting. This resulted in 4 families who entrusted me with their children & made me feel valued tho they had no idea what I was being put thru at home. I am a strong woman of faith who has come to learn a lot by mean spirited selfish people in my life. Thru seeking wisdom from above & direction I hope good comes out of what I’ve had to experience.
Awe! Bless you. We join you in hoping and praying that good, even marvelous, things come out of the harm you have endured!
Yes thank you and i was wondering if i could ask for your help?
Please reach out to [email protected]
Thank you for this article. you do make wonderful points on how to tell between the two, but I might add to factor in health conditions in regards to the victim or the abuser having high blood pressure or fluctuating insulin levels, one should also consider if the person has a health condition such as diabetes. for inarance, if the abuser is an older person with diabetes and the victim is a younger person with a healthy blood pressure, this might be an exception towards what you are saying. however, yes, the trembling, shaking, at a loss for words does sound familiar. I tend to flee but have found myself losing my temper before or saying something in response which could have been taken as being emotionally abusive or mean to the other person who was abusing me, as that person was able to make jokes in public and appear happy in front of others to appear more innocent.
Great points to take into consideration. Ongoing emotional abuse within an intimate partnership can cause many health conditions and compromises a person’s physical well being. The door opens to many issues – especially autoimmune issues – but a diagnosis of those issues doesn’t change the fact that abuse is at the root of the physical and psychological stressors and conditions. Often, when the abuse ends and the victim is allowed time to heal, those medical conditions dissipate.
Thank you for this article, I can at least now know why.. I sometimes get physical to my husband scratching, pushing, kicking and spitting on him. He has been accused by my family as being emotionally abusive and he often brings up how my family is messed up in our arguments even when they have nothing to do with the current argument. I’m ashamed of my actions and he would tell me I’m the abusive one. I know that I’m not like this and the only time I get to this point is when he is getting very verbal like telling me what kind of mother am I. That I don’t love my second son for letting him cry. That I didn’t think of my first son and that’s why he’s crying in the long drive. I would always tell him to just shut up, he would never leave or stop and that’s when I lash out. It’s bad and he’s made me question if I’m really the abusive one but I know I only react when he does this to me. I found this article searching why do I hurt him when he verbally abuses me. I have also developed high blood pressure with no apparent cause (I’m only 34) but I know it gets worse and I get a very bad headache each time after arguing with my husband. Recently, my 5yr old son has been really bad screaming, talking bad and being rude. He acts up like this during the week when I’m at work (dad stays home with him). On the weekend, with me he’s still a little naughty but nothing like the screaming. I’m now worried it’s trauma.. what do I do…
Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. It’s clear that you deeply care about your family and are feeling the weight of everything happening in your home. I want to start by saying that your feelings are valid, and it’s important to recognize the patterns you’re describing, both in your relationship with your husband and how this might be impacting your children.
Reactive abuse, as discussed in the article, is a term used to describe the moments when someone reacts in a way that might seem aggressive in response to being provoked or verbally abused. It’s important to understand that while those reactions can feel out of character, they don’t make you an inherently abusive person. Your responses are happening in an environment where you feel deeply hurt and pushed beyond your limits. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it does explain why it’s happening—and understanding this is the first step to change. Please do your best to stop reacting. So often victims are labeled the abuser even to law enforcement for the reactive abuse. A better strategy is to emotionally disengage. Don’t share your vulnerabilities with someone who is harming you. Don’t think you will ever achieve a safe emotional connection with him. You are seeking to be soothed by the very person who is harming you. This doesn’t make good sense. Focus on getting stronger and regulating your emotions. Focus on your healing journey.
From what you’ve described, your husband’s verbal attacks and the way he brings up unrelated, hurtful topics are deeply affecting you. It’s no wonder you feel exhausted and overwhelmed, especially when these arguments lead to physical health symptoms like high blood pressure and headaches. Your concerns about how this environment is impacting your son are also incredibly valid. Children are deeply impacted by the t sensitive to tension and conflict, even if they don’t fully understand what’s happening. Stress in the home can change a child’s brain development. This fact is proven in numerous scholarly studies. Please think about removing yourself from the situation.
What you are describing is common in relationships where there is conflict or emotional abuse. Often, one partner will over-function—working overtime to try to manage the relationship and keep everything together—while the other under-functions. This pattern is exhausting and can take a significant toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health.
It’s important to focus on your well-being so you can create the clarity and stability your family needs. I would highly encourage you to consider taking The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/finding-clarity-and-healing-curriculum. This course was created for situations just like yours and has been life-changing for so many. Students often report that it saves them a year of therapy by jumpstarting their healing process and giving them the tools they need to move forward with confidence.
As you work toward healing, keep these things in mind:
Practice self-compassion. You are not to blame for the situation you are in. Abuse is a choice, and it’s never the victim’s fault.
Focus on finding safety and stability, both emotionally and physically.
Notice how these patterns might be affecting your children and seek to create a calm, supportive space for them where they feel loved and secure.
You deserve a life that feels peaceful and safe. You’re already taking important steps by seeking out resources like this article. Please know you’re not alone—there is help and hope for your journey ahead.
With love,
Annette
this is my issue as well. but at least it’s somewhat comforting to know that it isn’t totally my fault or your fault that it is the body’s reaction to self-defense.
Thank you for sharing, Susan. It’s so important to recognize that those reactions are often a natural response to experiencing harm or feeling unsafe. It’s not about blame—it’s not your fault—it’s your body’s way of protecting itself. I’m glad you found some comfort in knowing you’re not alone in this, and I hope this understanding brings you comfort as you continue your journey.
This happends also unfortunately more in court when they use your reaction as libel, It is dangerous when you have experienced covert abuse. I experience a long silent treatment/mouth shut but got flying monkeys with health professionals (who she called behind my back) and family, so i couldn't escape. I got this reaction and guilt but it stayed long in my system due to hyperalert cause i still got to deal with institutional and parental betrayal trauma (also misused them – where i also had child abuse she knew off) Even when you become to know it is not your fault, it can be too late already.
So just like Gina. I got libel and was pointed out as the perpetrator.
I’m sorry you went through this too. Try to focus on taking real good care of yourself. Love, Annette
Thank you for this article. You have made me feel like someone understands. My husband recently had me arrested. I feel like I am going crazy and that everyone thinks that, too. It is so out of character for me. I am scared and feel broken. Since I am currently out on bond, I am not supposed to interact with him. I fear that if I go no contact, he will retaliate and I will face more consequences.
Gosh I am so sorry that you have gone through any of this. It is SO tragic. Grateful that you found validation and that you were “heard” and “seen” through this blog. We actually don’t even like the phrase reactive “abuse” because it implies that the victim’s response is abusive instead of being defensive as it usually is. I hope you are getting the healing you need and strength through any support services of therapy, with someone skilled in handling abuse. Blessings to you.
The information given on this site has opened my eyes & mind to what I have been going thru. I actually have had one of my children tell me both my husband & I were abusers within our relationship of 50 years. Mental health issues very similar to early dementia for my husband, along with serious physical disabilities of mine have complicated everything. I was feeling appalled that I may too be an abuser. My actions were regular verbal criticisms of his behaviors, but this was evolved over time after being shocked by his cruel verbal & emotional abuse. He hid his worst of course, so when I would criticize him, it sounded mean. Now that I understand, I have a new outlook of my own behavior. & a better ability to set healthier boundaries. Thank you for putting this educational information available for those who truly needed it & benefit from it.
Wow, Annette, we are so grateful you found our site and that it provided the clarity you needed to move ahead in health and wellness. We are sorry for what you experienced and also sorry for your husband’s increasing dementia. We hope for healing in your relationship with your children and that their eyes would be opened up to better understand what you were navigating within relationship. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at [email protected] if we can support you further. Otherwise, keep reading the blogs – there’s a lot in there!! Warmly, Stephanie, M3ND Ex. Dirc.
ANNETTE CONRAD – I’m so glad you commented. What you wrote is almost exactly what has happened to me..
Mental Health husband,, physical heath for me.
My husband ramped up his verbal abuse – 18 months i put up with it.. I reached my limited and Reacted. I call it “taking off my kick me sign”.. He ordered me to get rid of a set ofI dishes. I got rid of them by dropping them on the floor.
The other difference is my daughters blamed only me because he was telling them lies behind my back. And his abuse before I got ill was few and far apart. When she walked in the door, she grabbed me by both arms, and shoved me against a wall.
Then she had my other daughter call the police on me for domestic violence.
Thanks to you and the writer of this article, I feel more like a human being again.
Also to the first responder policeman who saw thru the lies and threw my daughter out of the house for a day.
No thanks to the 2nd one I had come to the house a few days later. He advised me I could not refuse to let my daughter come back to the house (she lived here, but my husband had sent her out of state to her sisters house for a month after she was thrown out so he had time to get her an apartment – She was 45 at the time)
Thanks for your feedback Cort. And for affirming Annette. I’m sorry for what you have been through. It’s amazing how well you managed to set good, strong boundaries and stay firm. We are proud of you and so grateful this article helped validate your experience and help you to feel sane!
*i apologize for the swear words im a retired army vet cut me some slack xD* 50 TIMES 50?!?! so do I get a special award for dealing with it FOR A DECADE?! you are 100% correct in that the victim is usually very empathetic… My Godmother told me when i was just a young child “You have a big heart mijo but don’t be so naive to think people won’t notice and take advantage of you” OH how right she was. I can not tell you how many times i have been burned for money burned for time or just any resource i can offer… it was not tell my COVERT NARC wife that the message my god mother gave me started to come to fruition…Honestly once you know what you’re dealing with and you see behind your spouse’s mask and get a look at their TRUE SELF, it can not be unseen… My wife had painted the PERFECT image of herself to all my friends, family, co-workers… so much to the point even my own father believed i was the one abusing her… or better yet my workout partner who literally interacted with her almost on a daily basis and she did not have the slightest clue… she would actually say to me BRO YOUR SO LUCKY your WIFE IS AMAZING MAN KEEPER FOR SURE! the whole time i’m thinking to myself oh well shit maybe my wife is right and i am just being too sensitive or over emotional… i was so convinced that I WAS THE PROBLEM NO MATTER what the issue I WOULD EVEN JUMP UP TO ACCEPT THE BLAME even if i HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! like holy red flags batman SEND HELP! even now in the middle of our divorce I STILL MISS HER AND STILL LOVE HER AND STILL WANT TO FIX HER AND OUR RELATIONSHIP! despite the fact I KNOW she is incapable of ever accepting ANY fault or even acknowledge that her behavior is TOXIC AF… i asked her today while she was visiting our sons… i said what is it about me that just makes you want to talk to me with disdain and look at me with contempt? what is it about me that makes it to where you are just incapable of being polite to me and treating me with the same respect i give you? INSTANTLY she SHUTS DOWN “this is why i dont even want to come around you or talk to you i dont have time for this” literally started standing up as if she was going to leave while i just served her a home cook meal… i said why do you do that? she said DO WHAT! i said that acting all defensive as if im attacking you when i simply asked you a question? you realize that is actually TOXIC AF right? and it makes you look really ugly and that is why once you divorce me every relationship after me will fail and it will be your fault… and i got up left the table and said see your self out when your done eating… i just cant even comprehend because i would NEVER treat someone this way even my enemy I would treat better then my wife treats me… the most disgusting part of it all being the male? NO ONE BELIEVES ME NO ONE so the moment i react to her abuse she says “DOES EVERYONE SEE THAT? THAT TEMPER? im walking on eggshells all day long around him” and i just give up like i think most men do and sit in shame and silence…
We are so sorry for all the abuse and double abuse you have experienced. We hope you are getting the support you need to heal. It is very hard, but you can overcome it in time. It is mind boggling to grasp what we have gone through. We respect your process. When you are ready, perhaps you’ll share your story on our website. Or, you can email it to me, [email protected]. It would help other survivors, especially men, who need to hear other men’s stories. Bless you in your journey of healing. – Stephanie
I’m blown away by the similarities we have! Word for word ! Damn I’m not the only one.
do you have any resources for male victims of reactive abuse emotional mental and physical im even lying to my friends an coworkers about my injuries or avoiding people all together
Thanks for reaching out. Would you mind emailing us at [email protected]? This would allow us to ask a few questions to help get you connected with the proper resources. I’m so sorry for what you are going through and we would love to be a support in your healing journey. If you’re not comfortable emailing, the best places to start are the National Domestic Violence Hotline (victims, supporters, responders call there and get help finding local resources as they have a large resource list) (800.799.SAFE (7233).) Also, reach out to your local domestic violence agency as they often have the best local resources to help you or might actually have classes, therapy or legal services at low to no cost to assist you in this season.
This article describes my relationship with my wife to a T. Everyone thinks she is amazing. She treats our kids like she should treat me. I have been her whipping boy for over 25 years. At first I tried to be understanding and responsive to her, as I was taught. That only gave her more power. I started reacting abusively. Your descriptions of the shame and confusion are spot on. Things came to a breaking point right after the COVID lockdowns began. We got into a major fight and I lost it. She left for 2 weeks with our teenaged sons. I was labeled the abuser and she played the victim card masterfully. I was forced to move out. After a few months, we began couples counseling. That only made things worse because the counselor sympathized with her and could not believe that she could be the abuser. Several months later, we began seeing a different counselor separately. I have been going through EMDR trauma therapy with him for nearly 2 years. It has helped a lot and he is finally beginning to be open to the idea that she has been abusive.
DO you have any materials for male abuse victims? It would be very helpful if you have any scholarly articles.
Dave! We are so glad that you received such clarity from this blog. It is truly an eye opener for victims of abuse, who often carry a lot of shame from their reactions and confusion as to whether they are the abuser. So happy to hear that you are in therapy getting healing for the trauma you have experienced. We hope you keep at it. We have a special cohort for victims/survivors which begins on 1/24 for 4 weeks. If you sign up to receive training information you will get a link to register. That would be really an excellent source for continued clarity and healing for you. As far as resources for male victims, I am providing some links to some articles for you to look at. But I also want to say how sorry I am regarding the dearth of resources for male victims. I hope that will change and you will have access to more support over time. Here you go, and don’t hesitate to reach out for more resources or support on our website or by email at [email protected]. https://bmchealthservres.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12913-020-05931-x; Studies on Male Victims (UK)Male Victims of DV (Journal of Family Violence)
Dave lydia out of turlock California . I also 8 years in an abusive relationship several different abuse of relationships and all throughout my children's lives it was only in 2019 that I was on run from a warrant for my arrest for 14 years I would have got a 17 enhancement but luckily I got a good judge who yes I did tell the truth too every detail every everything and instead of charging me he ordered me to be municipal as well as untouchable law enforcement is to respect me at all times never to engage in any apprehensive engagement or anybody in my environment immediate environment he also judge and ordered me an attorney at law after asking me where I learned my law from told me he remembered me and I was like well maybe it was the divorce I did and the child custody cases that I did to fight the states for my ex I want him back money from two different states and four different counties he said where did you learn your law and I said I had to learn it because my public defenders were s*** and I'm going to be honest they wouldn't help they would literally tell me to agree I would I spent over 14 years behind bars literally had to become my own attorney at law started to become my own attorney at law and including that same day I did not have an attorney I was my own attorney he said okay once again where did you study and I said Behind Bars in the law library see when you're locked up you can go to that law library 24 hours a day they cannot stop you and I had a good CEO who literally help me to understand the law filing coordinates so I was able to find I needed to study Intuitive by birth naturally psychic I get very much photogenic visions and they're on point if you'd like to be friends I love to text I don't have a lot of friends I try not to have a lot of friends because I keep my friends in a small circle a lot of them don't understand why come from a lot of them don't understand why I seclude myself and stay secluded still today I don't watch television I don't like noise especially sudden ones I like my piece I like my quiet and alone time a lot I'm lucky to have God I'm lucky to have myself who is emotionally secure very strong headed I have a very good intelligent background as well as presents and just need more friends and understand me and you may need some too so if you would like contact me Lydia Lynn Paris at gmail.com I'll be looking forward to talking with you thank you
Thank you. I am experiencing that. I was the victim I put a restraining order against my fiancé who hit me. I was trying to self defense and he took pix of his bruises and more and then he go to police and put me a restraining order against me. very unfair I am a mother. What i need to do? help ?
Ingrid, we are so thankful that you are reading our blogs and commenting. I am really sorry for everything you have been through and am glad that you understand more about reactive abuse through the resources we provide. If you go to the training page you’ll find recordings of our intensives and there’s one on reactive abuse that our Founder, Annette Oltmans, taught. Your situation is very difficult but unfortunately common. Often, the police do not understand reactive abuse nor do the courts. It sounds important that you seek legal counsel to help you ensure your custody rights are not affected by the restraining order. In particular, you’ll want to make sure they are well-versed in issues of abuse and reactive abuse, possibly sharing our website with them to help them understand that your actions were in self defense not to abuse. You could also reach out to Wings for Justice, an excellent nonprofit that might have good resources and counsel for you to make sure you protect your custody rights with your children in light of the restraining orders. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at [email protected].
This is exactly what has been going on with me for decades. I now know Ihave to get out of this emotionally abusive marriage. And no one will understand why. They all tell me he loves me very much. He comes out smelling like a rose.
Gosh, we are so sorry that you have been dealing with this for so many years. We hope you will find the clarity and healing you need. Please consider joining us for one of our upcoming courses for survivors to learn more and to find healing you deserve. If you are interested in some referrals for you and your husband, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at [email protected].
This article is frightening. As a child of an abusive parent, this justification of their abuse or so-called “defense” really upsets me. You are promoting, celebrating, and encouraging this behavior, taking guilt away from abusers and enabling them to continue hurting more people. You cannot excuse or justify what has happened to me at the hands of my abusive parent.I have had a happy life robbed from me as a result of this kind of person. My other parent (who you would label as the abuser regardless of whether this parent is or not) has tried everything to heal the family. This parent does everything possible to make peace. My abusive parent, however, will find issues from the past or make up events to be angry about. Any attempt to tell this parent that the events are not reality is narcissistic, gaslighting behavior. Calling this parent abusive, or trying to get help is emotional abuse. This parent abuses physically with hitting me or destroying my stuff. I have some very, very clear and painful memories of this parent even throwing my beloved pets around the house and threatening to get rid of them. This parent is neglectful as well, leaving the house to “escape” leaves me stranded and prevents me from going to places to fulfill responsibilities like work and school. This parent will undress in front of me to try to get me to go away. This parent has called me many names I can’t repeat here. This parent is not doing this in defense of emotional abuse that this parent fabricates or exaggerates. My other parent is not an emotional abuser
or narcissist, like you would suggest. A normal life has been stolen from me as a result of this “defensive reaction”. I have gone through incredible amounts of pain at the hands of this parent. Yet you tell them they have nothing to be guilty of, and that their reaction is neither abusive or wrong. I don’t see how you can claim this. The truth is, you have no authority to do so. You aren’t dealing with patients except online, so you have no real experience as far as I can tell. You claim you are a researcher, yet don’t list any sources. You are merely an organization that profits on comforting and encouraging abusers, by giving articles made of pure opinion. Even your name is misleading: you are the MEND project, but you encourage people to leave their families, never thinking about the people they leave behind. I believe you were one of these reactive abusers. There’s no other way in which I can see how you would justify the abuse that was done to me. Even as I write this response, my abusive parent is threatening me and my other parent. And this, this is ok with you. It’s not abuse, it’s not even wrong. Your words are freeing abusers from the guilt they should be feeling for their actions. You are equipping them to do even more, with no conscience to hold them back. Please, revise this article. Think about the victims of reactive abuse. Stop allowing and encouraging abusers to continue to hurt people. As I am writing this. My abusive parent is using the words found in this article to justify her behavior. She is actively empowered to hurt me more because of you. Is that what you want?
I understand that my comment is likely going to be taken down. If it is, I suppose that proves my point that you care nothing for the people suffering under the hands of “reactive defense”, and only wish to help abusers feel better about themselves.
Thank you for taking the time to share your response to the Reactive Abuse article we published. We are so sorry this article was used against you by your abusive parent. What you are describing is not reactive abuse, it is abuse; your parent is using the material to justify their behaviors, gaslight, blame-shift, and attack the real victims in your family. This is unfortunately common for abusers to do. But you are right, there is no justification or excuse for the systematic verbal attacks and other forms of abuse happening to you and I am sorry you felt that is what we were saying; it was not our intention. As you have shared, it is particularly harmful and so tough for children to grow up in an abusive house, especially if that abuse is directed at them.
People who systemically abuse will say and do just about anything to justify their harmful behaviors and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. For added clarity, many professionals say that abusers have responsibility deficit disorder, meaning they refuse to accept responsibility for their thoughts, behaviors, past trauma symptoms and learning healthy new skills to communicate. Please also know that it is very common for abusers to label the true victim(s) as abusers in another attempt to blame others for their actions.
Reactive abuse is not an excuse for anyone. It is an explanation used for professionals to know they need to look deeper into any situation before making assumptions about who the abuser is.
It wasn’t clear to me if your parents are separated so you may have a safe space with your non-abusive parent where you will not be continually traumatized by abuse directed at you. We hope so and, if not, recommend you and your non-abusive parent seek therapy or other support even from a DV agency who can provide or refer you to therapy, support groups, or other resources to help you heal.
Finally, we are so sorry you are going through this and that our article was taken out of context and weaponized against you. Our next survivor course is taking place in April. If you feel comfortable, we would love to have you and your parent join us so you can feel supported and gain more clarity on your situation and how to respond to the abusive parent/spouse. You can find out more information on our training and curriculum page on our website.
I’m so sorry what you’re going through. Curious what “ abuse” would your abusive parent say is coming from your non abusive parent ? I trust your judgement of course because you live there. You see. I’m so sorry your abusive parent found this article and is using it against you to bolster herself. I’m guessing you’re a minor ? Can you reach out to your school counselor ? I hope you find the help you need and can get away from your abuser. Why doesn’t your non abusive parent take you away w them somewhere else fee of this abuse ? Hugs
I feel this article was not justifying the abuse you endure.I think maybe this article may not be intended for your situation,I hope you are able to find support and help for your situation.No one should have to go through abuse.
I have suffered sexual abuse (harassment),discrimination (namecalling) and severe forms of gaslighting abuse by police, fire and emergency management personnel along with my daughter being raped by a prison officer after i received verbal threats of rape to me and harm to my daughter. This has been going on for 5 years often resulting in job losses to me all the while being trafficked by my former partner.
These people are extremely exploitative. I have often reached out for help only to be told by “lawyers” that I should not worry because bullying happens all the time along with another lawyer minimising the name calling abuse that I endured and suffered with my former partner. I am discusted at the fact that the people that I need to protect me are actually emotionally unavailable towards me and have completely broken down any trust that I ever had in justice. I to have found myself emotionally reactive particularly with angry outbursts at the sick level of injustice covertly carried out on me and my family. I feel particularly angry when sexual gestures are used towards me by these people who behave as though they have a right to abuse.
Who can I trust ? Everywhere that I have turned, I am blamed for their abuse and my feelings are minimised.
Oh goodness, we are so sorry what you have gone through and know how challenging it is to deal with. It is all too common for the true victim to be treated as a criminal, the abuser or the guilty one. It’s not OK and yet it feels unavoidable. If you are able to, perhaps to step away for a while so you avoid reacting out of a trauma response until your trauma symptoms heal more. As we said in the article, many reactions are involuntary and can actually complicate the issues the victim is already dealing with through no fault of theirs. I’m not sure where you are at on your healing journey, but if you’re able to step away, regroup and dig deep into education and healing before responding, please do. Also, if you have domestic violence agencies or health agencies who provide support groups, group counseling or other therapeutic treatment, you might be able to build a new community who understands what you have experienced. You may find new friends who are trustworthy and can encourage you along the way.
Hi, thank you for this article. My ex did exactly those methods to me. When she saw that little by little I began to stand up to her, with facts, spoken calmly she became even more rageful with lots if word salad, or claiming not to understand etc etc. I am very sure there was a sort if other reality with her friends and family, in that, a narrative was believed by them that I was never privy to. They’d all smile etc but for me it was extremely disrespectful and hurtful and hugely dishonest. I constantly felt like a sort of intruder, looking for authenticity knowing all along it was otherwise. And it made them all feel good about their own elephants in the room
I am so glad it was helpful to you. The more clarity we get through education and understanding the more able we are to set firm and healthy boundaries without reacting in destructive ways. I hope you’re journey of healing continues in strength.
I really get this. My ex’s family was divorced. Both side knew of his pornography, erotic roleplaying, convert narcissism, restraining me from leaving, or tracking me down to drive me back. They never said or did anything about it. Never helped him or me. When I finally reached the reacting point, and told him to leave, had to because I was disabled, no family or in-laws to turn to, no money because of being disabled, and that disability… results from on going abuse before and during the marriage. I had no power so when I could make him leave by threat of police intervention. He’d go stay with either side and they always say the same thing (he made sure to tell me when he was angry) ‘Well they think believed you’re the one with the problem. Even when a couple years back, in an attempt of somewhat reconciling, he finally admitted to them what he had done to me for a decade. Same. Response. It does hurt like an sob. Not having family to back you up or give the benefit of the doubt is soul crushing and I’m sorry you’ve endured so much with his family, friends, on your own
AARGHH!! We are with you in the frustration. I believe some of this stems from cultural gender bias that still somehow places women as the responsible one for a man’s sexually-based actions. So that no matter what, she is blamed. Hopefully, this tide is changing as more step out and stand up against it. We bless you in your journey and are grateful you are still learning, reading, growing and LIVING in freedom. Consider joining us for one of our upcoming courses for survivors. We are mid-course right now for one, but also have a self-paced course and will be doing another live course in January or February. Take a look at our training and curriculum page for more details.
I stayed in my violent verbally/emotionally abusive (plus one slap across the face and one rape) marriage for 25 years before I finally divorced him. I suffer with now treatment resistant depression, anxiety, c-PTSD, Fibromyalgia and ulcerative colitis (UC). The UC came close to killing me, and it is what made me realize that I would die if I stayed in the marriage any longer. It took my GI doctors about 6-7 years to finally get the disease under control with one every day oral medication and one injectable med once a week…and me divorcing my husband and no longer being around him, of course. At one point I looked like a concentration camp victim, just skin and bones, from the 20 or more bouts of bloody diarrhea every day.
My daughter was 19 years old when I divorced her father. She will be 35 in May and has been married for eight years. She has always believed, and her husband agrees, that it takes two to destroy a marriage. They have repeatedly told me that I have to take responsibility for the choices that I made in marrying my husband and then not leaving sooner due to any ill treatment. They won’t accept any reason that I give them for how the whole nightmare played out over time and why I stayed. As far as they’re concerned, it’s equally my fault. I have vehemently rejected their viewpoint, but they just accuse me of playing the victim and not wanting to admit to my role in what occurred in the marriage. This has been killing me ever since the divorce. It’s caused my relationship with my daughter to be on shaky ground. I’ve been called weak and pathetic, a liar and told that I choose to live with a victim mentality.
Your article, What Most Miss About Reactive Abuse, is the first one I’ve come across on this topic. I’m wondering if it might help my family understand that I wasn’t at fault for my husband’s abuse. I wanted to print it out for my daughter and her husband to read, but it won’t print out correctly. Each page has some lines or paragraph left out no matter what I try. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the header across the top of the page about “New Training Starting Soon” or what. Could you please look into this issue and correct it if possible?
Thank you…Bev
Bev, We are so grateful you are on a healing path and that you have taken steps to place yourself in a safe environment. It’s amazing how much this article has helped people understand themselves, their ex-partners and people who have seen the abusive relationship from the outside. I will email a pdf of the article to you. It is so hard to understand emotional abuse from within the relationship and equally hard if not harder to understand it from the outside. Kids living within it grow up not being able to distinguish or name the roles each parent plays or recognize the subtleties of covert control and manipulation. It’s unfortunately far too common for survivors to be accused they are playing the victim when they take a long time to heal (CPTSD can take many years to heal and more if you do not have the right help in healing) and remain firm in their position of who was the abuser in the relationship. I hope you have therapeutic support and can find ways to take good care of yourself and help place firm boundaries that are healthy with your children and their spouses.I am not sure they will understand even through reading this if they are firmly set in their perception that, even in abusive relationships, both people are equally responsible for the abuse. That said, that doesn’t mean survivors don’t have any self-work to do. Of course there is. Even more when you’re trying to overcome the trauma of an abusive relationship. I would encourage you to attend our Free workshop this Wednesday at 10 a.m. PST (I’ll email the link but it’s also on our website). I would also encourage you to join us for the new training you saw on the banner of our website. It will help to give you words and ways to explain and describe your experience to help yourself and those who want to understand better. Take care and don’t hesitate to reply to my email and set a time to chat with someone on our team. I’m sure Annette would love to speak with you.
Thank you for the encouragement and the link to the pdf for the specific article. I don’t know if it will change my family members’ minds, but hopefully it will at least give them something to think about from someone else besides myself. The article sure helped me understand how I acted in ways so out of character for myself when my now Ex came at me with his violent tirades and gaslighting for all those years.
God bless,
Bev A.
It’s our pleasure. Please let us know how we can support you further. God bless you too.
Thank you, thank you. I finally have a name, an explanation for years of cumulative abuse and my volatile outbursts to it. It was my survival tactic and that’s exactly how it felt: critical, desperate attempts to be seen, heard and acknowledged that the continual verbal and emotional abuse was killling me inside and it needed to stop (it never stopped). And yes, everyone thinks he’s wonderful; I see him very well in your article and posted replies. The only thing I did not see referenced that was part of my abuse experience was how abuse can play with your mind, get into your head.. He knew just what to say to make me feel insignificant, like nothing to him and if I didn’t do certain things he would find someone who would. I dreamt (more than once) that I was lying in bed in the middle of the night…and rolled over to find my husband having sex with someone else, right there, right next to me. After one incident, I retreated to my bed absolutely defeated, crying, staring at the ceiling – the ceiling looked like it was a mile away, like I was in a deep well. Once I dreamt that I was sitting in my car. The car was suspended in the air. Suddenly, parts of my car started falling away: the side mirror, the door…etc. The only thing that glared at me when I woke up was the fact that I was not sitting in the driver’s seat of my own vehicle. What is this effect of abuse? ps. even though I had finally left him, I still developed clinical depression, requiring medication a couple years later.
Goodness! I’m thrilled you found this blog and got clarity about your relationship dynamics and responses of defense. It’s amazing how symbolic and instructive your dream was; sounds like you are now in the driver’s seat. Congratulations! Everything you are saying is accurate and we teach about it in our courses. I would encourage you to head to our tools and resources page on our website and take a look at our training workshop videos and our training page and sign up for an upcoming course for anyone who has been in an abusive relationship or those who are in high-conflict relationships. We talk about the roots of abuse, the effects of abuse, trauma, PTSD, and complex PTSD, and much more. Or provide us with your email so you may get notice of upcoming training opportunities. We would love to have your participation!
I see.
My wife repeatedly trying to murder me was in fact my fault.
Good to know.
Do you tell rape victims they shouldn’t have worn a short skirt too?
I am so sorry to hear about your situation with your wife or ex-wife. There are male abusers and female abusers, male and female victims, as well as other forms of violence which are not part of abusive relationship dynamics, such as situational violence. I do not know what your situation is. However, where there is an abuser whose victim is reacting violently, the violent reactions won’t continue when the abuse stops. Moreover, it is key for victims to understand their reactions and learn how to address the trauma, set boundaries, or leave the relationship without reacting violently. Due to the brain’s response to ongoing trauma this can be very difficult to do without help, as the reaction is often involuntary. With respect to your question about rape victims, the statement itself focuses only on the victim and not on the rapist. Our “advice” would be that the rapist should stop raping. Nothing the rape victim does justifies rape. What they are wearing is irrelevant.
Violence is a choice in the face of no violence from the other party.
“They called me names so I stabbed them” is a ridiculous position to take, and here you are advocating it.
Worse, when the initial claim of name calling can be asserted whilst being completely untrue.
The point of sharing about reactive abuse is to explain the involuntary response recurring abuse can cause. People are more capable of learning how to control their responses through awareness of the brain’s response to their abusive partner. It is not uncommon for someone to react in an abusive situation in ways that are uncharacteristic for them which can be confusing or distressing. Most want to control their reactions better and this helps them to do so. But regarding your point, “they called me names so I stabbed them,” has nothing to do with the academic basis of this article, nor is this oversimplified statement indicative of an abusive situation. Using false accusations to defend someone’s own abusive or violent actions is not at all uncommon for an abuser. In that case, the violence would not be considered reactive abuse. And it would be untrue for the abuser to claim they are the victim. That is all too common, unfortunately.
Thank you for this article. I’ve been married for over 32 years, and during our marriage, I’ve been continuously lying to my wife about watching pornography and smoking, bit things we agreed when we got married that I would stop. I really want to stop looking at porn because I realize how destructive it is. I’ve made a decision to quit, and I am planning to see a therapist who is trained in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
I am trying my best to hear my wife and to empathize with how she feels. When she is triggered, she will unleash a whole slew of insults, abusive language, and belittle comments about me. I am trying to see all of this from her perspective, but at times I lose it and yell back at her. I am interested in your thoughts about ways I can prepare myself when my wife needs to vent and get rid of the poison that I inflicted on her.
Wow, Ben, thank you for your honesty and transparency. I can imagine how hard this is for both of you but am grateful you are doing the work. I would encourage you to have3d party accountability person do any internet tracking review or email review to protect your marriage as it takes some weight off you and your wife. Also, I would encourage you to speak with your therapist about ways you can prepare yourself for responding to your wife when she lashes out. Start by recognizing how your behaviors have hurt her and finding compassion for her in that place. Becoming aware of that while at the same time knowing you are in the process of changing can help you remain calm. If she is not getting help, it might help her to speak with someone who can give her some tools to help deal with her own anger and to take responsibility for her responses. Empathy, compassion and knowledge will help prepare your heart for her anger. But she may also need a supportive ear and guide to help her process productively and in a manner that brings healing long term. Don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at [email protected] if we can help any more.
BenGoodLuck, it’s think its really commendable that you recognize the dangers of regular porn use and you are addressing the problem and seeking actual help. There are many studies that demonstrate how porn use affects the brain, can cause impotence and also alter your attraction for your partner. It is cheating, because your sexual needs are being met by someone else and the reward centers in your brain are firing when looking at others, therefore reinforcing a false connection to fantasy. I really commend your want to change and I wish you the best of luck i. this difficult endeavor.
I am having this issue w my current partner. I am aware if the trust issues I have from being cheated on by an ex husband who had a bad porn habit. Looking at porn is one thing, but crossing over into chatting and live interaction is another; which is what I have good reason to suspect my partner has done in the past. I thought he would accountable to me, cause every so often I’ll ask him calmly how he’s doing with the temptation., but 3 times I found online stuff unintentionally the first couple times, and intentionally this third time, because I had a feeling, and was right. He lied to my face. I am having difficulty believing his pleas that he was not chatting. He responded in a manner that makes it seem like he’s aware of how it hurts me and hurts our relationship, yet I don’t see any real action toward change. My thought it that he will never admit he was chatting, because he knows I’ll be done if he was, and that he’s just going to try to hide it better rather than get real help. .Your sex is the gift you give to your partner when you commit. Yes, porn use a betrayal to yourself and your partner. I hope you are successful as it will give me hope
After a 12 year marriage to a serial cheater & covert narcissist- I find myself in this Rollercoaster of shame for my outbursts over the years. The level of confusion & fog I’m feeling as I witness friends & family rally around him to “support” him and protect him from me. I spent a looong time in denial about the state of our marriage- even as therapists told me our marriage is abusive. I had excuses for him, I had known him since grade 5!. When I finally snapped in year 12. I didn’t just yell- I slapped him so many times after a shocking discovery of chats with his girlfriend about me- & his non chalant “I owe you no explanation attitude”! The instant regret & shame had me tucking tail & apologizing for months for being physical. While he paraded his swollen cheek, & a secret recordings of our arguments. We are now divorced & he is now openly dating his girlfriend- who happens to already have 2of his kids. I was shocked & so beaten to know that his entire family knew about these children for 6yrs in our marriage. They collectively have supported his excuses that he was pushed by my abusive behaviour to seek a whole new woman & children. I am struggling to get out of this train of thought myself as well. The cycle of self blame he preached to me for over a decade. That I should fix myself – else any partner I have will cheat. It is so confusing & distressing to silently watch as people treat & call you abusive using real life events without true context or perspective. I question my own sense of self. My character. I’m constantly trying to fix, & nit pick my own behaviors. It’s traumatic. This article puts into words things I feel but could find words to express or explain. Thank you.
You put this so well, “It is so confusing & distressing to silently watch as people treat & call you abusive using real life events without true context or perspective.” They can have so much power over you when your self esteem has been dwindling through an abusive spouses actions and intentions. Their mistaken accusations attach to the low self esteem and the internal thought process becomes a battle of self doubt, self condemnation and confusion. I am SO glad you found our blog and recognize why you reacted the way you reacted. But for the abuse by your ex, you would not have lashed out. Still, the negative thought cycle can be hard to overcome, I know. Your awareness of the negative thoughts of self-blame puts you in a position to respond to them in effective ways that will change the internal dialogue into a positive and self affirming one. We have a number of blogs on these things – speaking aloud to yourself in response to the negative thoughts and speaking positive counter thoughts to break through. Of course, EMDR, therapy, meditation and a number of other things can be helpful as well. But speaking the positive out loud (it affects your brain differently when the brain hears audible positive thoughts and reactions spoken to it out loud, allowing it to shift and over time break the negative cycle). Don’t hesitate to connect with us as you go and heal. [email protected]. Much love and healing to you, Stephanie
Your story is heartbreaking! Every cheater loves to make the ex wife look so unstable, with their deceit. I hope you are past this and in a better place. I found great solace in a website called Chump Lady, which specifically advocates leaving cheating spouses, and breaks down their manipulative thought process and behavior, so you can stop blaming yourself for “driving him into the arms of another woman.”
It’s complete bs, and don’t believe it! He had every other option besides tripping and falling into another woman’s V, as they like to present they’re betrayal in such a nonchalant light. The testimonials of others got me through some of my darkest times, and I hope you find strength to take care of yourself and keep being the badass devoted mom you most likely are.
After a 12 year marriage to a serial cheater & covert narcissist- I find myself in this Rollercoaster of shame for my outbursts over the years. The level of confusion & fog I’m feeling as I witness friends & family rally around him to “support” him and protect him from me. I spent a looong time in denial about the state of our marriage- even as therapists told me our marriage is abusive. I had excuses for him, I had known him since grade 5!. When I finally snapped in year 12. I didn’t just yell- I slapped him so many times after a shocking discovery of chats with his girlfriend about me- & his non chalant “I owe you no explanation attitude”! The instant regret & shame had me tucking tail & apologizing for months for being physical. While he paraded his swollen cheek, & a secret recordings of our arguments. We are now divorced & he is now openly dating his girlfriend- who happens to already have 2of his kids. I was shocked & so beaten to know that his entire family knew about these children for 6yrs in our marriage. They collectively have supported his excuses that he was pushed by my abusive behaviour to seek a whole new woman & children. I am struggling to get out of this train of thought myself as well. The cycle of self blame he preached to me for over a decade. That I should fix myself – else any partner I have will cheat. It is so confusing & distressing to silently watch as people treat & call you abusive using real life events without true context or perspective. I question my own sense of self. My character. I’m constantly trying to fix, & nit pick my own behaviors. It’s traumatic. This article puts into words things I feel but could find words to express or explain. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I can feel the weight of everything you’ve carried, and I want to honor the strength it’s taken just to write this. What you’ve described is so complex and heartbreaking, and I hope you can give yourself the same compassion you so clearly deserve.
It’s no wonder you’re feeling the confusion and shame you’ve described—being in a relationship with someone who consistently shifts blame and distorts reality can make you question everything, even your own sense of self. You are not alone in this, and I want to say clearly: you are not defined by the way you reacted in that moment of overwhelming pain and betrayal. Reactive abuse is not who you are. It’s a human response to being deeply hurt and pushed to a breaking point, and it does not make you an abuser.
I’m so sorry for the way others have chosen to rally around his version of events while leaving out the years of harm and manipulation you endured. That kind of isolation can feel devastating. But please hear me when I say: their opinions and perspectives don’t erase your truth. You know in your heart what you lived through. His choices—cheating, deception, and emotional harm—were his decisions, and no amount of blame-shifting can make them your fault.
If you’re feeling stuck in this cycle of self-blame and confusion, I’d encourage you to take a step toward healing with our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. Many survivors have said it gave them a way to make sense of everything and helped them feel more like themselves again. You can find it here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
I want you to know you’re not alone. Each day is an opportunity to rewrite your story, to remind yourself that you are not the problem, and to begin healing with curiosity and care for yourself. You are so much more than the narrative he tried to create. You deserve clarity, peace, and a future filled with hope.
With so much care,
Annette
This is exactly my experience not only with my mother growing up but describes my husband to a T. I left home at 17, and my marriage has lasted 17 years. I guess 17 is my limit.
Thank you for writing this it is so validating
🙏🏻
Awww…we are so glad you found us. Scour our website and take a look at our free trainings (click on the link within the Training & Curriculum page to learn more. I’m so sorry that you have been dealing with abuse for such a long time, first as a child and now. We hope you find peace with clarity and joy. Reach out to us anytime: [email protected]. Bless you.
this has put a lot into perspective for me. i`m not sure if i can consider my behavior reactive abuse all of the time but most of the time this is what happens in my house with my mother and sister. i try to stay out of arguments as much as possible and when i am caught in them i find it very difficult to leave. my brain sees it as a failure and i am rarely aware of what happens during but i can yell & say mean & hurtful things. when i am berated and criticized, usually into doing things like chores as my family does not like to clean, i can act in ways that are very uncharacteristic for me, screaming, banging on doors, pushing, etc, and it makes me feel guilty, and scared, like i have no control over myself. of course this is not the only example of abuse; my mother has abused me since i was a child & continues to this day. i am constantly accused of doing things i did not do, acting out of spite, being an ungrateful child, and my sister defends my mother`s behavior & exhibits it towards me as well because she is also a victim of abuse and neglect from my mother, and the more praise my mother gives her the more inclined she is to defend her because she wants her approval. at this point i just want to heal, and if my family heals that`s great, but i`m not going to risk my sanity to stick around and find out once i move out. the reality that i will never have a good relationship with my family is setting in and i am absolutely heartbroken but this at least helped me come to terms with some of what has happened to me, thank you
We are so glad this article provided you with a clearer understanding of your experiences. Understanding how the brain helps you to defend against ongoing abuse will help to take more control over your own responses and guide you to the appropriate help for your circumstance. It can be so helpful to come up with a plan for how you will respond when you are verbally attacked, criticized, or shut down. It can be very helpful to seek advice from a counselor if you have access, or even confidentially through a domestic violence shelter. Blessings to you as you continue to heal.
This article is so ridiculously validating!
I still don’t believe two wrongs make a right, but this educates one on the insidiousness of some emotionally intelligent abusers who antagonize the victim covertly and know how to wear down the victim so they are not functioning optimally or healthily,
The flight or fight or freeze response is real, and when your abuser keeps advancing after you’ve flown and tried to create space, by not respecting your boundaries or giving you the space to calm down and process, you then feel kike animal backed into a corner being insulted and screamed at, and they use your natural reaction against you.
Same when you try to talk things through and express feelings calmly and carefully,, without shaming or blaming; yet you’re told that your feelings are bs and everything you say can and will be used against you.
You just learn to shut your mouth, because you don”t know how to articulate anything without being attacked, you’re in total shock tht a person who loves you is treating you this way, land now you’re accused of giving them the silent treatment; when you’ve literally hit a wall, even after you’ve sincerely apologized or tried to tell them what they demanded to hear.
The trauma is real and lasting, and I work hard to let it go, move past and focus on my own behaviors, years after the relationship ended, but it still comes up every so often, and these articles are a great reminder that I did experience what I experienced, and the best thing was letting that relationship go.
So glad you found validation in this article. Awareness about reactive abuse and the involuntary nature of it allows the victim to learn how to react differently which is an important part of their healing journey. Too many victims wonder if they are also the abuser or feel significant shame about how they reacted long after they have left their abuser. We hope they glean understanding and find grace for themselves from it.
Just sending respect and love. Thank you for your comments. No one deserves abuse. I hope you live your best life!
You shared a great article. I would like to appreciate your time and effort in creating this meaningful information. Reactive abuse is often misunderstood and overlooked, leading to victim-blaming and misplaced sympathy. It’s crucial to recognize that reacting to abuse is a defense mechanism, not a sign of aggression. Empathy and education are vital in breaking the cycle and supporting survivors to foster a safer environment for all.
This article is SUCH a relief
We are SO glad!!
This is my experience. I’m the reactive victim. I’ve been strong for years and tempered my responses to his abuse. I don’t see a way out, even with straight A’s in college.
I just want a quiet life where I can provide for my kiddos and myself in peace. No more screaming, threatening, dysfunction, or abuse. I want so badly to do this—just to have a chance to do the right thing in peace.
Gosh, I am so sorry you have been going through this and are struggling to find a peaceful place in which you can succeed. I would encourage you to reach out the National Domestic Violence Hotline to identify some services in your local area that might help you get to the next level. Maybe even a residential place you can go with your children. Or even low to no cost specialized therapy services that can help you achieve the peace you deserve. We are here to support you however we can. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at [email protected]
Today was a difficult day for me. I had a court hearing for a TRO that my ex put on me. On paper I was made out to look like this abusive prick. But I know that was far from true. When I was standing in the courtroom, I was standing alone and in a courtroom full of women. On her side, she had 3 lawyers from a firm representing her. I couldn’t find the words and definition of the type of “abuse” I was constantly receiving until a ran across the term “Reactive abuse or in this article Reactive defense”. I was afraid to defend myself in court because the judge kept implying these are seriously allegations and the consequences could be bad. Being that its a civil case and not criminal. The judge gets to determine if your guilty or not by whos telling the better story. I was sure to lose. Im no lawyer and nor can I afford one. (PD’s don’t work on civil cases)
Being that I am a musician and music producer, Im constantly out in public and networking/ relationships are most important. The most major thing that would upset me is that she’d constantly rip me in front of my peers, or worse “sass” friends/ managers/ partners because she couldn’t contain herself for whatever reason she come up with in that moment. It was destructive and sabotaging to my business and friendships that I’ve built over the years. No matter how many different ways I’d try, it would always happen again and again. We’d talk about things when we get home and I would just snap cause I couldn’t understand why she would continue to ruin me like that. Then to add fuel to the fire, she would sit there with a blank stare and say nothing. Always making me feel like Im overreacting or worse, she’d start to feel threatened. I’ve never hit her and would never hit her. Thats something I can control. I would get in her face once and a while then ask her “What the fk is your problem!”. Id be in tears, pulling my hair, and just hurt beyond words that someone you love can do fk’ed up shit and be so cold at the same time. Scenarios like this would happen all the time. Fast forward, the last scenario was similar but it was our last. She got a friend involved which seemed like my ex painted this picture of me as a psycho. Same with her other friends, and her family. I was arrested, served a TRO. I was kicked out of our apartment. Had to move out my things and now Im staying at my auntie’s house and other places in town. My life has completely been flipped upside down, all while she gets to point the finger. Now, Im constantly left wondering what I should’ve, could’ve done but now theres no going back. Its an amazing and yet fk’ed up lesson to deal with.
As for now, coming across an article like this and a few others is helping me now to identify what I’ve been dealing with for over a year. It’s very sad for me. I don’t want to go thru any of this. But I appreciate that someone out there has put something into words that understands somewhat of what Im going thru.
Thank you
we are so glad you’re finding clarity through our educational blogs. I’m truly sorry for the pain and destruction the abusive relationship has caused in your life and, in particular, for you. We hope you find continual healing and renewal of healthy relationships with those you love most.
OH my gosh, ive done this. And he calls me unstable and abusive. I’ve never reacted this way to another human being, I DO NOT start fights, pick fights. He does, and you can try to let it go, ignore it, not respond all you want like some so called professionals say to do, but a person has their limits. You can only take so much before you lose your mind and engage. They provoke, and push, and press buttons until they get a reaction. I have NEVER fought with another human being, but him….he forces it. Then I am the one that is called unstable. This is such a relief to read this.
Oh my goodness! Your words validate me in the work we do writing these blogs. Truly, this blog has given so many people the deepest clarity and understanding. I am beyond touched and grateful that you found us and this work has given you relief as well as a knowledge and better understanding about what is going on inside of you to make you respond in atypical ways. I would encourage you to seek support in learning how to respond effectively and/or consider separating from the abusive situation while you get some strength through healing. If reactive defense is involved then it seems there’s ongoing trauma taking place which can impact your health and mental wellbeing long term. You can find support by connecting with a local domestic violence agency who likely has classes and support groups that can be very helpful to you or, if you choose, a place to shelter you and possibly your children, if any, should you decide to leave for your own safety. One of the biggest mistake victims of psychological abuse make is assuming that if there is no physical assault taking place they can weather the storm without as great of an impact on their physical health. Working with an expert therapist (and some DV agencies provide therapy at low to no cost to survivors in their care (in shelter or not)) will help you immensely in navigating the stormy waters you are in. Love and healing to you! Stephanie
I’m so…I honestly had lost hope for the last couple of days. Yesterday and the day before. This article has given me that hope back. I’m literally shaking…
I’ve been in a 12 year relationship with my ex. Over that time I felt like my brain was being ripped apart, along with my heart amd soul. During our relationship I learned he was a covert narcissist. He had a pornography and erp addiction. He said he loved me and I was the only one he wanted. I was his dream girl. So when we would go through cycles of distance, he’d say he wasn’t doing anything, He’d become less affectionate, defensive when we spoke, and ultimately me for the distance because we were always talling and fighting about it, I’d react by trying to give space, or flee once i felt threatened, I’d be restrained or chased down or money taken away so I couldn’t leave. I also had disability issues since before our relationship, so there were times i couldn’t get out of bed and he refused to give me space or heal when things got really bad.
When i or anyone spoke to him, he was gentle speaking. Never argued in his family (because of his own bg of bigotry and neglect. I saw those things and why I was patient with him. But with me, he’d lie, deny, tell me i was crazy. And when he started yelling and screaming at me. He taught me his emotional outbursts were never his fault, They were mine. The fights that came to a head, was because I’d try to understand what was happening and why he was cycling, why was he was cheating. If i was wrong, I’d beg him to tell me why were things getting worse not better. It didn’t matter what i did, i reasoned, gave space, i cried, i offered alternatives approaches to heal our relationship, i offered to end if i made him that unhappy. He would tell me his bad behavior was my fault. Having feelings about what was happening, my fault, Him relapsing, my fault. This would go on for weeks, if not months. Then…I’d finally break. I resort to self harm and suicidal thoughts. Then when it kept going pastvthat I’d react… I’m still crushed and remember everytime i finally broke and lashed out physically at him. I hated what i did when I did it. I genuinely thought I was nuts, And every reactive episode, I walked away believing I was an abuser too. I had to be if i got that bad. He made sure to tell me too. Usually when he cycled through his addiction again. I was told by him, his family, multiple marriage counselors, i was being equally abusive. Many believed i was the reason for his repeated emotional infidelity. Then when we all found out he had high functioning autism… it got worse. While a lot of his behavior became understandable, he refused to get counseling or help himself understand and live with his disability. It got worse. It became the new excuse why he wasn’t responsible for any of his actions or self care. I got diagnosed with ptsd and cptsd because of what went on in our relationship. I had chronic pain and illness before we ever got together. But my disability meant my outbursts were unreasonable and abusive. To the outside world he was the victim and I was a disabled, erractic, lazy unemployed, no family jerk. And if i finally kicked him out of the house after months of begging to fix things on our own, it that meant i was guilty of being the abuser. Never mind it took threatening police to get him to leave because he refused to give me space, wouldn’t let me leave, and would restrain me.
I got so low I couldn’t trust myself anymore. So I looked on his devices. Found out everything he said he wasn’t doing, was bs. Printed stuff he did, accounts he made, and far worse behavior. I made recordings of interactions we had when the same arguments he’d use popped up again. This was a collection of stuff I put together as proof to myself, I wasn’t f-ing crazy. That saved me. It never erased the guilt I felt over …those damn days I finaly hit my breaking point and lost control…sad thing is yesterday i spoke with my counselor who said the same thing. I needed to be responsible for those times i ever got physical with. That he doesn’t feel safe with me because of what i did to him. When the day before he emotionally destroyed me again.
I was bawling my eyes out and once again questioning, am i equally abusive?…. Because of this article i can say no i wasn’t crazy, i know who i am, i know what happened, I did everything to save our marriage against the emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, financial abuse, repeated gaslighting, and infidelity. … i loved and cared about my ex. I understood him, supported him, was patient with him. Now i see those times i broke, I am not an abuser, i reacted…
Today this article saved me again. Thank you so much Mend for what you wrote. I will print this for me as a reminder should i ever get lost or confused againi God bless you.
Gosh, we are so thankful to hear how this article impacted you positively. We say that clarity is the first necessary step to healing. Being able to understand more about your circumstances or present and past experiences helps to separate your self from what is happening, label it appropriately, and make careful, wise choices about how to respond. We hope you will continue to read through our materials and join us for one of our trainings – we have a self-paced course for survivors and also a course that we do 3 times per year in which Annette, our Founder, hosts live lessons via zoom during which participants can ask questions and share their own stories. Take care of you and God bless and protect you. Stephanie
This article has helped me understand my current situation. Deep down I know I’m not deserving the abuse or being abusive but confused why I even say anything back at times or try to defend myself when he attacks me verbally, emotionally, and/or physically – which is almost daily now but at times can go week(s) without. I feel so angry at times and the need to defend myself and then when I try to discuss or communicate about how it needs to stop or he has to leave it just turns into him justifying or denying/flipping the script. And he shouts so loud over me, repeating the same thing which is usually another derogatory statement, insult, or threat. He’ll even open the door of our home and bad mouth me to embarrass me and convince people I’m this loser or something. Makes me feel so ashamed and bad for saying or reacting back but I just can’t help it bc it’s so hard to sit back and allow it. My circumstances limit me to do anything legally (and sometimes feel conflicted about not wanting to get hin in trouble) but know I should and upset because he won’t stop and ultimately doesn’t care about what is happening to me mentally. It even sickens me that he can carry on with his day so normally and not phased because all he has to say is a simple sorry without further discussion! I keep threatening to get him in trouble if he doesn’t stop and he literally tells me he won’t get in trouble or that I will for how I reacted. It’s mentally exhausting. But this article made things a little clearer, thank you.
Marissa, we are so glad you found our site and have found value and validation in this article about reactive abuse. It sounds like you are in a very tough position and I hope you will take time to get some help for yourself. Consider checking in with the DV hotline or a local DV agency to see if they have free or low cost counseling with trained specialists in helping victims of abuse. This will help you make strong decisions that are in your own best interest and will ultimately be in his to the extent it wakes him up to the need to change. The guilt you feel about stepping up is a normal thing for someone in your situation to feel but we do not want you to stay in that place. Any repercussion he experiences as a result of you standing up for yourself, setting boundaries and getting the help you need are solely his responsibility and because of his own doing. You are not doing anyone any favors nor are you “protecting” him but not getting help. Please do not hesitate to reach out to us to help you find referrals. Email our team at [email protected]. Bless you.
This is my life at the moment. My mother’s husband of nearly 20 years is a narcissist and I became his target the day after their wedding all those years ago. Not one person in my family believes that he is abusing me, my mother tells anyone who’ll listen that I exaggerate and not to believe anything I say. I have been to file complaints with the police with threats that he’s made towards me about ‘how I should be afraid of him’…No one believes me. The betrayal that I feel by my mother and my sister, all who were and are aware of the situation and of the demise in my personality and my explosive reactions to every thing. Every time he does something to me and my mother finds out, her first response is to dismiss me immediately and tell me I’m wrong. The next step is he fakes a sickness, and I think this is so she, my mother, forgets about my claim of what he’s doing to me, so she can look after him, ‘the real victim.’..he’s faked all sorts of illness’. It’s amazing that one man can coincidentally have so many major illness’ and still be so healthy. I truly believe that my mother likes the drama, I think she’s addicted to it…or that she feels familiar in it, it’s familiar territory. I ask myself regularly, ‘how does such a manipulative, nasty person marry into my family and cause such disharmony and fear in plain site?’… and the answer is because my family is used to toxicity and being treated terribly, we have a family history of domestic violence, rape and abuse…so why does it matter that it’s happening to me? I dislike my mother so much that I can’t decide if it’s more dislike than I feel for her husband? I have tried to have conversations with my mother about what her husband’s actions are doing to hers and my relationship, but somehow it’s always my fault that I feel the way I do. My reputation is in complete tatters in my neighbourhood, he has completely destroyed any credibility I had…the funny thing is though that the neighbours think he’s wonderful and genuine …and he doesn’t like any of them at all, he uses them to destroy me. I don’t know where to turn anymore for help or advice. I want to cut myself off from my entire family but at the same time I hate the fact that he can run me out of my own family. I am a volcano waiting to explode and my abuser will be clapping his hands when that happens because his narrative of me will be fitting. I am so frustrated and exhausted from fighting a continuous one sided battle that I never agreed to be a part of and I’m the bad guy…it’s destroying my mental health, I’ve been physically sick and unwell for 3 years and I see no way out of this vicious cycle of abuse. My last resort is to completely cut off my entire family for good…never to return.. but I hate the fact that he, the narcissist wins.
Karen, I’m so sorry you are being harmed by your mother’s husband and she is not believing you nor is she treating you compassionately or lovingly. I would encourage you to take care of yourself by stepping away and getting help at a local domestic violence agency or shelter where you can get support, counseling and healing. The separation will give you the strength to make wise decisions to protect yourself and determine the type of relationship you can have and want to have with your family. Most provide these services at low or no cost making it a viable option. If you don’t know what support is near you, please visit the national domestic violence hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233)) or their website at hotline.org. What many people don’t realize is that they have lists of referrals in all states and regions within those states. They can help you find resources closest to your residence. If you stay close and allow the current situation to continue manifesting, you risk so much loss of health and mental/physical well being. By taking control through stepping away and setting strong and healthy boundaries, you actually can cut off the narcissist’s power over you which is a loss. You may be an example to your mother, although that is not your present goal. It’s so important to take care of you first so you can properly navigate the family circumstances. PLEASE don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at [email protected]. I’m sure our founder would be happy to connect with you. Blessings to you for a peaceful holiday.
I am broken. I have been in an abuse (emotionally, sexually and physically) for 40 years. The second I experience the stress I can’t control diarrhea and my husband yells at me and insists that should be able to control. I’m lost
Gosh Connie, I am so sorry for the recurring abuse in your home and its destructive impact on your health and well being. Please reach out to us by email at [email protected] so we can arrange a time for you to connect with someone from our team. In a confidential space, you could share more so we can try to connect you to resources and provide emotional support and encouragement as you determine best ways to respond and protect yourself. You may also leave a voicemail at 415.843.6363 and a member of our team will get back to you. Sending love and hugs.
I was in a relationship with someone with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) I had never heard of it before hand, they explaining to me what it was and how it affected their life and in turn relationships. A summary, it is a mental health condition marked by unstable emotions, self-image, and relationships. People with BPD may experience intense mood swings and struggle with impulsivity. I thought that I could help and could be there for them whenever they needed. However, as the relationship progressed they started to do things that you wouldn’t usually do in a relationship involving ex’s. I tried communicating my concerns and talking to them about it, but they just would say I’m in the wrong for bringing them up on it and say I’m getting in the way of her coping mechanisms for her condition. I brushed it off think oh if it helps her condition then I guess I can live with it but then it progressed more and more and I would voice my concerns but my emotions and the way I felt weren’t a priority at all. The only thing that mattered when it came to those situations were her feelings and how me telling her how I felt made me a bad person. I was being gaslighted and manipulated into thinking I was the bad person even though I would wait on her hand and foot. This became a regular occurrence, of my emotions being pushed aside and being told that how I felt is controlling and manipulative and I started to believe it. I was questioning myself if I was the one in the wrong, pushing all my feelings down. Then I got to a snapping point, they kept poking at me degrading me mentally, then when I snapped I still remember the smile on her face when I finally snapped, I let out everything (never touching her) but shouting and hitting walls as I let out all my emotion on how I felt, it was like a blur I don’t know what happened to me, I had turned into a ball of rage I did not recognize all while she would record me, but also be scared at the same time. The aftermath I felt so much guilt and shame, I don’t know what happened to me. Then she started calling me abusive, that I was the one that caused this, that I must have always been like this. I was so confused I had no idea what had happened and started questioning myself believing her. I thought I was a monster and that no one would love me or want me, that’s when I started getting the dark thoughts (Self harm, suicide) I apologized with everything I had and she took me back, little did I know this is when she would start isolating me from my friends and family, making me feel bad for leaving the house. Make me feel bad whilst at work and I would do anything to make her happy, drive 20 mins from work on my lunch hour to see her for 20 mins to then drive back to work. She continued with the neglect of my emotions and continued to gaslight me and make me feel crazy, but I was so confused and thought no one would love me so I stayed. This was a cycle that repeated again and again until friends reached out and worried for me. They helped me see what she was doing to me and I managed to get out. I was still so confused in my own head and till this day still question it every now and again, I look at TikToks and sites to help me understand what I went through, I see a therapist who says I have PTSD from my year with this girl. She still labels me as abusive which still triggers my questioning. I’m not the best with words so I hope this summary makes sense. I can still picture the smile on her face when I first snapped and It sends me into a panic.
Gosh, I am so sorry about your experience in this relationship. The comment about the smile when you finally reacted that way is such a common situation with narcissists. I hope you have been finding healing through your time in therapy as well as the videos and writings you have been reading on the internet or through books you’re ready. Bless you. – Stephanie
This hit home. I survived extreme physical abuse by my ex. Broken leg, choked until I coughed blood, etc. I left him and met my current husband. We’ve been married for 9 years. In the beginning I had a lot of anger issues. I was so lost and broken. I had told him several times that I hated him. I asked for a divorce on more than one occasion. One night, about 5 years ago, we were drinking at his moms and he disappeared to throw up and then he passed out. I continued to hang out with everyone until they went to bed. When I got up to go to bed myself, I slipped on a water spill on the wooden porch and landed on my knee wrong. I couldn’t stand up and was crying. I tried calling him but he didn’t answer. I dragged myself into the house, down the hall, and pulled myself into the bed. I tried waking him up and he just kept snoring. I started hitting him on the arm and he still wouldn’t wake up so I got him harder. When he woke up he was swinging and it started a whole drunken tumble. He only held me down when he realized it was me and I was the one who was still fighting. I still have yet to live that down. I have done so many things to better myself in the way I react to things and how I let things dictate my feelings. I have had so much personal growth since my ex broke me. But no amount of growth is enough is my perfect husband who will tell you flat out that he NEVER does wrong.
He gets really offended really easily. Then he starts throwing out accusations and assumptions at me. I try to tell him that he misunderstood me and I try to explain myself but he doesn’t give me the chance. He starts throwing out a million different things that are wrong with me including calling me abusive because of that night almost 4 years ago at his moms. As much as I try to stay at ground zero where the miscommunication started, he is deflecting as much as he can to make me look like the one in the wrong.
Recently this happened, and I couldn’t explain myself at all. He kept talking about how bad I am at being a wife, throwing my faith in my face (he hates God), telling me I need more Jesus. I got so upset that I picked up my Love Dare book (I bought it a couple of fights ago) and I ripped out the first few pages and started hitting the bed with it. I wanted to rip my own face off instead but I took it out on the book. All of a sudden he started freaking out saying I was physically abusing him by beating him with my Bible and that he would see me in divorce court. I was so confused because I didn’t hit him with it. I got my phone and started recording and asked him to please show me where I hit him at. He turned the light off so I couldn’t see. I turned it back on and asked him why he wouldn’t want to show me or the camera where I hit him at since he wants to use it in court. He turned the light back off and then unscrewed the lightbulbs. Hmmm.
He keeps telling me how abusive I am yet he refuses to fill out divorce papers.
I used to walk away from every fight taking full blame. Now I see the pattern. I can’t even have a drink on the weekends now because he will start pushing buttons and get me all twisted up and call me a drunk when I react. He already said he will get me arrested for abuse and he knows exactly how to get it out of me.
He compared me to my abusive ex and said it was funny what happened to me because I laughed at him whining that I apparently beat him with my Bible. I need to get out but I haven’t worked since we got married and I have no family and nowhere to go with the kids. He doesn’t want to divorce because he doesn’t want to have to give me anything. He offered to give me my car and money but he keeps the kids. I said absolutely not
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I pray that you get support from someone who can help you as you continue to heal and make choices that keep you safe and help you to respond in the most healing and constructive way possible.
Hi, I experienced these patterns of abuse many times over in my marriage to a professionally diagnosed, narcissistic personality disordered spouse. I thank God that he abused me badly enough one night that I was more scared to stay than leave and my family helped me pay to obtain a lawyer so I could legally leave. Could you please email me a PDF of the article so I can copy it for further study and I can talk about the information in it with the group of women in a support group I am in who have also experienced toxic, controlling and abusive relationships and are now seeking to leave? Being able to talk with them about the information in this article would be very helpful for them to have words and understanding of how they were being affected.
Thank you!
Debbie
Hi Debbie,
I am so glad you found such reprieve, clarification and validation through this article. It’s for sure our most popular post for those reasons. Please feel free to print the article from our website and share it with credit to MEND with your group. It would provide the most support to your small group to point them to our website. We will be having a 4 week course for survivors with Annette that starts at the end of this month and would love their involvement. We look forward to connecting with you there. Just hop on our training and curriculum page to learn more. Blessings, Stephanie
After 37 years of relationship with my husband he disclosed all his lies and cheating. For the past 2 years since disclosure it has been nothing but lies, excuses, blaming me for the reason this relationship isn’t working. While he continues to try to work toward “restoration” when he makes excuses it cuts me to my core and sends me into a rage, I have hit, kicked, slapped, shoved him, spit, scream, swear at him. I am 56 years old and only in the last 2 years have I ever behaved this way. I found this article the other day and has helped give my understanding. Thank you so much for sharing this article!
We are so glad you came upon this article and our website. We have found that when survivors gain clarity and understanding about the abuse in their relationship as well as their body’s way of responding and protecting themself, they give themselves permission to grow and heal. I hope you will keep digging in to learn more and, if you are able, seek professional assistance with a counselor or therapist specifically trained in emotional abuse who can help you redirect how you respond when he excuses his abusive behavior. I applaud your willingness to stay the course in keeping him accountable toward full restoration and change. Please take a look at our article on whether abusers can change as well as the free videos we have on this topic (on our website). These resources identify ways to understand whether true change and transformation is happening internally for the one who has caused you harm through abuse. Bless you. Don’t hesitate to reach out to our team at [email protected].
I have a question: What is the term that describes a person who is suffering from reactive abuse? Thanks.
I’m so sorry but could you please clarify your question? The person who is reacting defensively to an abusive person through so-called “reactive abuse” which we refer to as “reactive defense” is known as the victim or survivor of abuse. The person they are reacting to is the abuser.
this is how it is as my wife always wins over me to it be all my fault ,she always has started the hitting ,I even remember the first time she hit me when I was bottle beer before 10 at night ,she hit me in the back and I will never forget it, she has been with me since we where 14 and I am now 49 and reading what a narsastist is explains to me this, she never says it’s her fault in just about anything,she always protects her image around people and puts me down to make her self look good one, I recently put my feet up on the bed at her whilst she was hitting and attacking me to police showed up and comforted her as all police male and my wife would not go and fix what extra lies where on me as to just agree to it all on me and protect her as normal to not get kicked out of the house as I do this with my kids when they have attacked me as I don’t want to be separated from my real love of my youngest child being my daughter , my wife always jumps in to take kids side to be the one they love and I put to the side ,I believe taking it into years it’s truth is her up bringing ,her parents argued constantly and hit one another as I told my wifes father threw a knife at her eye and she passed out and another time before just short years before we met he kicked her bottom for the gate closed maybe loud he kicked her and broke her tail bone to she complain about still these days, my parents I never see hit each other or abused each other , I put up with it ,I have no choice as to want to be with my daughter until she moves out think I will but can’t see it as to burden the kids having to travel to different places as I would want to be on the other side of the world I dream ,dream is all and wish she had a heart like she did when we met ,she cares for her self and her family only cares for family and I can’t understand why if they right or wrong have there parents side as I don’t talk to mine as my family shoot me down and I know where that comes from
.djd
I am so sorry for what you have been experiencing in your relationship and community, but am glad you have found some clarity and understanding through this article. Please keep reading and visit the videos you can find on our free resources section of the website. Please also consider taking our self-paced survivor course. You can find the information on our training and curriculum section of the website. Scholarships are available. Know you can always reach out to our team at [email protected]. Take care.
I think this is what happened to me last night. My boyfriend and I have been trying to work through his infidelity but recently he’s been not there for me emotionally and stood me up, said mean things to me, left me alone while I’m sobbing, and made me feel completely ignored and not a priority to him. Last night I got so upset and he laughed and I felt so triggered sobbing that I slapped him in his cheek. He immediately said he was scared of me and was going to leave and said we would talk about it more the next day and I begged him to please stay and just talk to me because it wasn’t me and I had been feeling so emotionally distraught all day and relapsed with my self harm. He said he loved me still and forgave me and deserved what I did for everything he’s put me through but he didn’t like that I slapped him and needed to think about it and kept saying how we weren’t right for each other and I needed to do better because he can’t prioritize me or give me what I want. I begged for him to just talk to me and he said I love you we can text a little and I need time to think but at 3 am I saw that he broke up with me over text and blocked my phone number and deleted photos of us on all of his social media but didn’t unadd my snap or Instagram. He blocked me on some things but not all. I don’t know what to do I can barely sleep and I want to talk to him about it and try to work things out but I don’t think he will ever speak to me again. I don’t know what to do
Hi there, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. When relationships break it can be a very painful season. What I notice in your narrative of events is that you are clinging to someone who is not trustworthy or emotionally safe. I’d like to see you love yourself more so that you wouldn’t think of tolerating such behavior and indifference toward you. At the end of your comment you write,” I don’t know what to do.” Instead of trying to bring this person back to you, I’d like to see you focus on your own self care and getting emotionally stronger and more independent or autonomous. When you are with a person like your partner appears to be, it is highly dysregulating. You are experiencing betrayal trauma, rejection and indifference, which are all traumatizing experiences, particularly if you aren’t taking real good care of YOU. If you would like to email me to set a time to talk I’ll make myself available. My email is [email protected].
Take real good care of yourself.
Warmly, Annette
Thank you so much for this article. My parents, my mom especially, emotionally and verbally abused me for pretty much all my life and I realized what was going on only three years ago when I went to therapy, because I was feeling suicidal. I used to believe that I was broken and crazy, and I was drowning in guilt every time I felt angry. My mom made me believe that I was an aggressive person with a shitty personality. I have almost no recollection of my childhood so I couldn’t tell if what she was saying about me was true or not. I always had trouble making friends because I usually didn’t talk to other people, out of fear they would see me as a freaking monster. I was lucky to be academically gifted, enough to leave my parents house and go study 700km away from them at 17 yo. And there I found friends with whom I wasn’t ‘difficult’… Nor aggressive… I still have some fears, especially when I go visit my parents, that my mom is right. That I am a monster, I just hide it well. Honestly your article is helping me so much building confidence in me and finding what kind of person I want to be in the future. I still get reactive with my mom sometimes and I hate myself for it. Once she filmed me while I was yelling at her after she called me names. I cannot even describe how I felt, but it was like forgetting the three last years of therapy. Square one. Am I a monster? If yes, should I kill myself? It’s frightening, and I just hope that someday I’ll be able to look back and know I succeeded in redefining myself, outside of this distorded view my mom has of me. Good luck to anyone out here going through this storm of guilt and shame. Love
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m incredibly sorry for the pain you’ve endured, and I want to acknowledge your courage in seeking therapy and working toward healing. It’s so difficult to break free from the harmful messages we’ve been taught about ourselves, especially from those closest to us. The confusion and guilt you’ve felt are understandable when you’ve been conditioned to question your own reactions and worth for so long.
Please know that your feelings of anger or frustration, especially in response to being harmed, do not make you a monster. They’re natural human responses to being mistreated. The fact that you’ve built meaningful relationships outside of your family and that you’re reflecting on the kind of person you want to become speaks volumes about your strength and self-awareness.
I’m glad this article has been helpful for you. Be gentle with yourself, especially when you visit your parents, and remember that progress doesn’t look perfect. You are not defined by those moments of reactivity or by your mother’s view of you. You are working on finding your true self, and that’s what matters most.
Please reach out for support when you need it. And continue leaning on the support of your therapist. You’re not alone in this journey, and you need and deserve to have strong support as you heal.
Sending you strength and love
I love this article even though it’s not directly my situation but I’ve searched for exploited developmental disabilities adults ant there’s not much. I have Cebreal Palsy and had a $50k/y job. my aunts lied to get me to quit so they could trap me into serving them. Authorities will do nothing without a “signed contract “.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been put in such a difficult position. It’s frustrating when systems don’t offer the support you need without formal evidence.
Your awareness of the situation is important, and I hope you’re able to find resources or support to help. You deserve to have your independence respected.
Wishing you strength and healing.
My mind is blown. I was blaming myself this whole time for not being able to take it. For continuously being antagonized to my breaking point- and then feeling ashamed for it…. Even blaming it on corporal punishment as a child, and that’s WHY I wanted to attack you… but it’s very clear to me now… and it’s sad. I wish this wasnt actually true. I feel a sense of relief but at the same time it also makes me really wish that my partner understood I really can’t be pushed… does that mean I’m so emotionally attached that it’s unhealthy?!
I’m so confused. I’m sick of being blamed for my reactions . I have endured so much trauma in my life- and now I understand I need to work on confidence and self love too. I guess I have a lot more work to do than I thought- but so does he and maybe we are exactly NOT the right people for each other?? And I thought we were perfect all along 😓
Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. I can feel the weight of everything you’ve been carrying, and I want you to know that your experiences and feelings are completely valid. It takes immense strength to reflect on something as painful and confusing as reactive abuse—and even more to start piecing together what it means for you and your relationship.
I know how overwhelming it can be to realize you’ve been blaming yourself for reactions that were human responses to being pushed beyond your limit. Please hear me when I say this: being pushed to that point doesn’t make you wrong or broken. It means you’ve been in situations where your boundaries weren’t honored. That’s not a reflection of your worth—it’s a sign that the dynamic you’re in isn’t healthy or safe for your heart and mind.
Your question about emotional attachment and whether it’s unhealthy shows so much courage and insight. You’re already asking yourself the hard questions that will lead to deeper healing and clarity. It’s okay to grieve the loss of the “perfect” relationship you thought you had—it’s part of making space for something better, whether that’s within this relationship or in a different chapter of your life. And the fact that you’re reflecting on what both you and your partner need to work on is powerful, even if it’s scary.
You’re not alone in feeling confused and frustrated, and it’s okay to take this one step at a time. Building confidence and self-love is a process, but every small step you take is meaningful. If you haven’t already, I’d encourage you to explore our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s designed to help you gain clarity and find your footing, and so many people have said it’s been life-changing for them.
Please be gentle with yourself as you navigate this. You’re human, and you deserve care, compassion, and safety. I hope you’ll continue to honor your story as it unfolds—there’s so much hope for healing, and you don’t have to walk this path alone.
With hope and healing,
Annette
Reactive abuse does spill out into the rest of life. I finally got out of a 20-year 'relationship' and into my own home about as far away as I could go but staying in the same country. I started a list of what I was grateful for, and in my own safe space I started to see that my former partner had turned me into a monster. In that relationship, I was never able to deal with conflict outside the home well because it was too close to home – literally. People reacted badly, things went pear-shaped, I was labeled the aggressor, and I got bent out of shape and uber upset about situations that weren't really that bad. Now that I'm free from the abuse, I'm not sure I'll ever heal 100%, because it went on too long, but I have found that I can deal with conflicts more rationally without getting uber upset, and that outcomes are positive. in other words, I'm communicating way more effectively without losing the plot, and ignoring when I have to for my own safety. Others can see my point, and I can see their point. Things work out.
I will never let another man live with me again because I have too many serious health issues now, many courtesy of the abuser, and I cannot risk being manipulated financially by another man again – my income is not huge, and the abuser ripped me off during our separation for a cool $500k that wasn't his by playing the guilt, shame and friendship cards very skillfully. I know I am susceptible to abusers, so it's best to keep to myself. I'm supposedly intelligent, but I was played like a fool, so I will always have days where I find it hard to forgive myself for everything that happened, but now I'm out of it, I can also – finally – start to heal from a bad concussion I had in 2021, which was exacerbated by what I was going through and was used by my ex to prove how crazy I was (I found out later he even went to his lawyer to see if he could use the insanity card to get more money out of me – and because I still 'loved' him, I paid for his lawyer). One thing you have to be aware of is that lawyers are just as bad at spotting abuse as cops are. My lawyer didn't fight hard for me because she thought my ex was a good person and his 'contributions' to our 20 years needed to be recognised, yet I financed every major cost in that 20 years of hell including both our houses. Money isn't an end to itself, but it sure helps when you're crawling out of the hole that is abuse, especially when the State won't help finance serious health issues that have arisen from what your body has endured. It's very hard to disbelieve your abuser when the grief, guilt and thoughts of suicide well up during separation – yes, I grieved really hard. I don't know how you do it, or how you get the right people on your side to protect you, but it's important to fight for your share during a separation from an abuser. I wish there were lawyers trained to spot and tease out the truth of reactive abuse.
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and vulnerably. It’s clear you’ve been through so much, and I want to acknowledge the immense strength it took to not only survive but to start rebuilding your life on your own terms. You’ve already made such powerful strides by creating your own safe space and recognizing how the abuse shaped your reactions and responses. That kind of self-awareness and growth is incredible—it shows just how resilient you are.
Reading about your journey, I can feel the deep hurt, betrayal, and grief you’ve had to carry. It’s so common for survivors to feel guilt or shame about what they endured, but I hope you can remind yourself that you were manipulated and gaslit by someone who took advantage of your love and trust. None of this was your fault. The fact that you’re choosing to live independently now, with firm boundaries to protect yourself, is such a courageous and wise decision. You’re reclaiming your power, and that’s something to be deeply proud of.
The financial and legal battles you faced sound so exhausting and unfair. It’s heartbreaking that the systems meant to help us often fail to recognize the dynamics of abuse. You’re absolutely right—lawyers, and even other professionals, need more training to understand how reactive abuse plays out and how abusers exploit the system. Your voice and experience shed light on an issue that many survivors face in silence.
I hope you can offer yourself the same compassion you’ve extended to others. Healing may take time, but you’ve already shown how capable you are of creating positive change. If you haven’t already, I’d encourage you to check out The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. It’s designed specifically for survivors like you who are navigating the aftermath of abuse. Many students say it gives them the clarity and tools they need to move forward, and I think it could really complement the amazing progress you’ve already made.
Thank you again for opening up and sharing your journey. You’ve been through so much, and yet here you are, finding your way toward healing and peace. Please keep taking it one step at a time—you deserve so much care and compassion on this journey.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I cannot thank you enough for helping me gain the insights into what I've been enduring for 20 years now with my husband (soon to be ex). You've captured every nuance of my experiences and feelings of shock and shame over how I react to the horrible things he has said and done to me. And his keen ability at shifting blame and always only bringing attention to my behavior. His latest tactic is to pretend to be empathetic over my reactive responses. I know once he's out of my life, I'll look back wishing I had done so much sooner. Sadly, even as I write this, I'm having doubts creep in as to whether I'm being fair to him. I clearly have some work to do.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your story. I can feel the incredible strength it’s taken to endure so much for 20 years and to begin to name and process what’s been happening. The way you’ve captured these experiences—the shock, shame, and confusion—speaks to how deeply you’ve been impacted, and I hope you’ll take a moment to honor how far you’ve come in even recognizing these patterns.
What you’re describing about blame-shifting and feigned empathy is so common in these dynamics and can leave you feeling like you’re the one at fault, even when you’ve been deeply wronged. That doubt creeping in is normal. It’s part of the manipulation you’ve endured, but it’s also a reflection of your kind and empathetic heart—a heart that’s trying to make sense of it all. Please know that doubting yourself doesn’t mean you’re being unfair; it means you care deeply about doing what’s right, even when it’s hard.
I hope you can give yourself grace as you navigate these feelings. You’re already taking brave steps forward, and every small decision to trust your instincts and care for yourself matters. If you haven’t already, I’d encourage you to check out our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s helped so many people like you find understanding and peace, and it might be just what you need to untangle the doubts and confusion you’re feeling.
You are not alone in this, and you don’t have to have it all figured out today. Take it one moment at a time—you deserve all the kindness and care you’ve shown to others.
With hope and healing,
Annette
What's the best way for an abuser to get help for the behaviors that provoked reactive violence in their partner? I am trying to hold myself accountable, get conscious about how I'm causing what's happening, and change. I already realize that this entails professional help. I am hoping for some drill-down into those seeking the well-spring.
Thank you for your openness and for taking the courageous step of holding yourself accountable. Recognizing harmful behaviors and their impact is a significant and meaningful first step toward change. It’s not easy to face these realities, and your willingness to seek professional help and dig deeper speaks volumes about your commitment to growth and healing.
The best approach to changing harmful patterns and addressing the underlying dynamics involves a combination of professional guidance, personal accountability, and a commitment to self-awareness. Here are a few steps to consider:
Find a Skilled Therapist or Counselor: Look for a professional who specializes in addressing abusive behaviors and can provide guidance tailored to your situation. A trauma-informed therapist can help you uncover the root causes of your actions and support your journey toward healthier relationships.
Engage in Psychoeducation: Educating yourself about the cycle of abuse, trauma responses, and emotional regulation is key. This knowledge helps you better understand both your behaviors and the potential impact on others.
Practice Self-Reflection and Emotional Regulation: Developing skills to identify and regulate your emotions in the moment can prevent reactive behaviors. Mindfulness practices, journaling, or attending workshops can help you build these skills over time.
Seek Out Support Groups: Groups focused on personal accountability and behavior change can provide community and accountability. Hearing others’ stories and challenges can inspire and support your growth.
Pursue Deep Inner Work: You mentioned wanting to “drill down.” This is an invitation to explore the deeper wounds or unmet needs that may be driving harmful patterns. Approaching this with self-compassion and curiosity can be transformative.
We also encourage you to explore The MEND Project’s resources, as they can provide clarity and tools to guide you on this journey. You’re already demonstrating the kind of courage and awareness needed to take this work seriously. Remember, healing and change are ongoing processes, and each step you take is meaningful.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I am a reactor to years of emotional mental and sometimes physical abuse, I am by nature a very strong minded positive kind and physically strong woman with morals loyalty protective qualities, yet I've been so sad and broken by my 20 yr long partner, the first 12 years were so beautiful, then we developed drug addictions and the last 8 years have been traumatic. this article I've just read is the most helpful thing I've ever read.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can feel the strength and love you’ve carried through so many challenges, and I want to honor the courage it takes to open up about something so personal. You’ve been through so much, and your words show just how deeply you’ve cared and fought to hold onto your values, even in the hardest of times.
Twenty years is a lifetime of memories, and it’s clear that this relationship has been both beautiful and incredibly painful. The first 12 years you describe sound like they held so much love and connection, which makes the hurt of the past 8 years even heavier. Addiction and trauma can change so much in a relationship, and it’s okay to grieve the good while also acknowledging the harm. That grief doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re human.
Hearing that this article was the most helpful thing you’ve ever read fills me with hope for you. You deserve clarity and understanding, especially after everything you’ve endured. The fact that you’re reflecting on your experiences, seeking answers, and learning more about yourself speaks volumes about your inner strength. Being a reactor to years of harm doesn’t define you. It’s a response to overwhelming pain, and it’s not who you are at your core—a strong, kind, loyal, and protective person.
I know the weight of sadness and brokenness can feel overwhelming, but please remember that healing is possible, one step at a time. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d encourage you to explore our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s a resource that has helped so many people untangle the confusion and start to rebuild their lives.
You are so much more than what you’ve been through. Please be gentle with yourself and hold onto the hope that brighter days are ahead. You are not alone, and you are so deeply worthy of healing and peace.
With love and healing,
Annette
Thank you. I spent the past 10 years working on my self-worth and confidence after years of parental abuse then abuse from a man I was in a relationship for those same10years (I know that sounds strange but it was getting away from the extreme parental abuse and trauma from being molested and abused by my oldest brother from 7-11yrs of age and processing that that made me search for knowledge all while I was unaware I was being abused again by my partner in a way that was almost unidentifiable and accepting cheating from them because I felt I had no money or other options to take care of myself as an adult on my own but move back to my parental abusers (parents) home and I REFUSED to go there and instead accepted the new abuse which was actually so hard to identify in the beginning and middle because it seemed like a vacation from the abuse I had been thru from 7-32yrs of age.) SO NOW, unfortunately my partner broke up with me after 10yrs, cheated on me with another person during our relationship and got her pregnant and kicked me out of our house with NO money and I was forced to move to my mothers town house in DE because I had no their choice and two beautiful dogs who had been acting as my best friends and confidants and children for years and I was the one they relied on and took care of and there was no way I was leaving them with my ex and his “new family”. My father had died in 2020. I was devastated that I had to move back in with my mom at 42 with now no life according to me and new damage from abuse. I was afraid and internally knew I would be subject to more abuse but I thought my dad was the main abuser for years and since he was now dead that I could manage and that my mother and 2 older brothers and their families would rally around me and lift me up and want to know what went thru but instead it has been even worse. She is a skilled abuser and maybe she learned from all those years at the hands of my father…and I am having extreme reactive abuse because I am so in fear of losing all the progress and growth and learning I had done in the past 12 years away from them. I REFUSE to accept this but your article or information is like gods gift to me (and I’ve even been extremely reactively abusing god too lately). I have been reading and reading and researching articles and forums and blogs and websites trying to find exactly what I have been going thru for YEARS and present and I landed on this, this morning at 5:30am as I could not sleep and woke up crying because I cannot take anymore of this abuse from my mother and what she has convinced her neighbors, friends and my immediate and extended family to believe, that she is the victim and martyr and that I am crazy and mentally ill. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
The only reason I am still here is because my dogs are my world and my children (my ex screwed me over on a family and children of my own by dragging me thru the subtle abuse for years till I was 42 and the thought of starting over and all that work to fix ME and also find a NEW person is even MORE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING that I fear it impossible and that I am doomed. Also I had to leave my home in NY and all that progress to be an adult living with her abusive mother with no job but a delivery person and living in Delaware which disgusts me (although i always try to search for the good) surrounded by a neighborhood full of retirees (that think my mom is the victim) or happy families coming to enjoy their beach vacations. My dogs are now 10yr old lab and 8yr old mastiff, one suffering of old age and kidney disease and one suffering of hip displays is and possibly cancer but I am left on my own to make this prognosis because asking for ANY help from my mother be it money or a vet which is more money (it’s ALL about money- always the one thing I never have probably because it was one of the things they always abused me over and my reaction after all the other trauma on top of it was to become irresponsible)
So as you can see I’m in more than a pickle, I’m in the whole jar!!!! Luckily I know I am strong but being here and having no hope of a future that I have always wanted (no family, no babies, no friends except one that is the only one that stuck around in California, no money, no job because I have to take care of my dogs because on top of it all my mom is definitely an alcoholic, both my parents were and I’m pretty sure dementia is setting in and her body is not what it was- she can’t and now refuses to do anything to help me with 2 huge doggy children that are my only “people” to communicate with and to give and receive love from as well as give me a reason to get up every day and try to fight back and not give up (I have only recently coming here thought of suicide and a lot but I would never and am scared and concerned of letting this person – my mother and all she’s done do that to me. She said I would be “safe here” I thought that meant safe, support, heal after my trauma from my ex but all that meant according to her was a roof over my head.
I’m sorry but I’m exhausted just writing this and my head hurts from all the thinking and processing and grieving over this just this morning. I just wanted to say thank you.
This justifies my situation and I feel like something or someone has my back, FINALLY and also I’m NOT CRAZY and never have been accept for when I DECIDED to be (ie: let loose, be fun and funny) . I hate that I feel all my hard work has gone down the drain and I resent my family for siding with my mother & all my friends left me, took advantage of me or I pushed away except one and I fear ruining that because I am ISOLATING myself as protection.
I have resorted to unsuccessful prayers and wishing on stars and hoping I win the lottery so I can move back to NY to my old neighborhood to the farms and water and possibly home where I finally figured out who I was and what gave me peace and what I was capable of. (It’s slowly going away and I am so scared of losing who I am to become a nothing pathetic mess again and a child. I went from 42 to 14years old being here in months and now it’s 2 years later….) i dont have money and can’t get a real job because i must take care of my babies, I need to retake a real estate course in DE and pass tests and find a place to work and learn Delaware and have money for all that and a place to live but my credit is awful from me own doing and taxes forget it, it’s awful. That’s why I need a miracle. See? It doesn’t end, I have so much more that I’m not including , I always say I could write a novel but trying to begin and figure that out?? EXHAUSTED!!! DEPRESSED, HOPELESS.
It’s more than you know. ABUSE AND TRAUMA x 100!
But thank you. This helps.
Can you tell I have no one to talk to???
Your courage in sharing your story is truly inspiring. Reading everything you’ve endured, it’s clear how much strength and perseverance you’ve shown, even when the road has felt impossibly hard. I can’t imagine the weight you’ve been carrying all these years, and I want you to know that everything you’re feeling is valid. You’ve endured so much, and the love and care you’ve poured into your dogs, your growth, and your life show what an incredible person you are.
It’s heartbreaking that after all the progress you’ve made, you’ve had to move back into a situation that feels so harmful and isolating. The way you described reactive abuse—the confusion, the fear, and the exhaustion—resonates deeply. It’s not your fault, and the fact that you’re even able to name it and recognize it is a huge step. That awareness will help you break free from the cycle in time.
I know it might not feel like it right now, but the growth and healing you worked so hard for are still inside you. Trauma has a way of making it feel like we’ve lost everything, but I promise you, the work you’ve done hasn’t disappeared. You’ve built strength, wisdom, and insight that will carry you forward, even when the path feels impossible to see.
Your love for your dogs is such a beautiful reflection of your heart. They’ve been your companions through so much, and they’ve given you a reason to keep going even when things feel unbearable. I want to honor how much care you’ve given them, even when it’s meant putting yourself last. You deserve care and support too. You deserve to feel safe, valued, and whole again.
If you haven’t already, I really encourage you to check out our course, which you can find here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s designed to bring understanding and clarity to situations just like yours, and so many people have said it was life-changing. It could help you find a sense of direction and peace as you take steps forward.
For now, please know that it’s okay to feel exhausted and overwhelmed. This is a lot. But you’re still here, and that speaks to your incredible courage and resilience. Even if it feels like hope is slipping away, it’s not gone—it’s just waiting for the right moment to shine again. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this; you are doing the best you can.
You’re not alone in this. You are seen, you are heard, and you matter so much. We’re here to support you, one step at a time.
With hope and healing,
Annette
Thank you so much for helping me to finally understand my anger, guilt and confusion.
I went through adolescence being told that I was “unbearable” and “evil” and was never shown any understanding or compassion, even after I made an attempt on my life.
Ive been constantly accused by the same person of telling lies, of being narcissistic, of being violent, dangerous and mentally unwell, and of “ruining their life”.
Even though I always apologised for the fight and tried to move on.
Im very self aware and I constantly analyse myself, but it’s only very recently that I’m finally admitting that what I’ve experienced is actually psychological abuse and it is not my fault.
I am not useless. I am not violent. I am not a bad person.
I am a very kind, empathetic, adventurous and skilled person with a naturally calming presence when I am not being provoked.
And one day the things that I have been through, will help me acquire the skills necessary to improve quality of life for others (both animals and people).
I no longer accept the image of myself that my abuser is imposing on me. And I send them love and forgiveness, and I wish them to heal too.
Thank you for sharing your story and your heart with us. I can see the immense journey of reflection and growth you’ve undertaken, and it’s clear you’ve carried an incredible weight while still holding on to your deep kindness and empathy. Recognizing and naming psychological abuse for what it is takes immense courage, and it’s such an important step toward healing.
The words and labels you were burdened with during adolescence were never a reflection of who you truly are, but rather of the pain and dysfunction of the person who imposed them. Your self-awareness and the strength it takes to reclaim your identity, separate from their accusations, show extraordinary resilience. You’ve already discovered an essential truth: you are not the problem. You are kind, empathetic, and adventurous, and your natural ability to bring calm to others is such a gift.
Choosing to forgive someone who has caused harm, while still holding them accountable, is a powerful act of release. It allows you to focus on your healing and growth, free from bitterness. I hope you’ll continue to show yourself the same compassion and care that you extend so generously to others.
If you’d like additional tools to help on this path, you might find our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course helpful. It’s designed to bring clarity through education and provide support as you navigate the complexities of your experience with self-compassion. You can learn more here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
Please remember, you are not alone, and there is so much hope for a brighter, more peaceful future. You are defined not by what you’ve endured, but by the courage and care you bring to each new step forward.
With hope and healing,
Annette
The most excellent article I have ever read on my situation. I have 2 siblings that have emotionally abused me for 55 years. I even went into " no feelings " for 5 long torture filled years with a malignant Catatonic Nervous Breakdown caused by them. I list my home ans 88% of possessions all because my mom favored me and their insidious jealousy. My mom played a role too because she had zero backbone and whatever they did she would not display parental authority so they learned they voukd do whatever they wanted. when I got well I lived with my parents but Dad had died during my illness and I then took care of mom. My too sweet mom bought me a townhome and sold her home and she lived with me and I took good care if her. She did this because she knew if she passed the siblings would kick me out and I would be homeless. She gave them the remainder of the net proceeds which was quite a bit but not as much as the townhome cost.The siblings jealousy went off the charts even though they are well off and the ganging up continues. I recently had reactive self defense and left a violent voice-mail when my sister held my mom hostage because I sent my mom to my sister's so I could go camping for a much needed break and my sister wouldn't let me talk to my mom and after years of putting up with their abuse I guess I too did something I didn't quite understand because I don't have a record and I am 69.
Now my bad attorney thinks my history if abuse is not relevant and am currently languishing under the criminal Justice system with me looking like the crazy abuser.
This article is spit on because I can relate to the reactive self defense because they tried to take me down in 2922 but failed because of an adept social worker who saw through their manipulation.
what a relief to read something in my defense. If only others would believe me on many things that they did are hard to prove from the past.
Thank you for knowing the real truth about abusers and their tactics. I have been ostracized by all relatives because of my one reaction to long term abuse!
Domestic violence includes family
There are too many details to list here
I’m so grateful you shared your story with us. Reading what you’ve been through is heartbreaking, and I can only imagine how much courage it’s taken to endure so many years of pain and betrayal. You’ve faced challenges that would break most people, and yet here you are, still standing and seeking understanding. That speaks volumes about your strength and resilience.
The dynamics you’ve described—decades of emotional abuse, favoritism, and reactive defense—are so complex and painful. It’s important to remember that your reaction came from years of trying to survive in a deeply harmful environment. It doesn’t define you, and it doesn’t mean you’re “crazy.” It’s a human response to unimaginable stress and mistreatment.
Your story also highlights how incredibly isolating it can feel when people twist the truth to make you look like the problem. You are not alone in this, even though it may feel that way. There are others who understand and validate the depth of the pain you’ve endured. You’ve carried so much, and your perseverance in the face of rejection and cruelty is a powerful testament to your strength.
If it feels helpful, you might explore our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. It offers tools and insights that many have found beneficial when trying to make sense of complicated family dynamics. You can find out more here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
Please know this: you are not defined by one reaction or the unfair narratives others may impose on you. You are more than what has happened to you, and your journey of healing and reclaiming your truth is far from over. You deserve compassion, understanding, and peace, and we’re here to support you in any way we can.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I have struggled a majority of my life with narcissistic abuse. I have reacted in ways where I felt I was stooping to their level and returning abuse for abuse but knew that wasn’t the case. I’m grateful to finally find you and your words chosen to describe our reactions as defensive measures and not abuse. Your project of reflection has finally put into words what I struggled to do and I can now see a way to mend and heal myself. Thank you for enlightening my awareness and aiding me in gaining knowledge regarding the repercussions of repeated abuse in the form bullying. My son has not once taken accountability or responsibility for his behavior and why would he when I thought it has been me. Blaming myself came from a place of guilt and shame. The fact that I was willing to see the error in my ways proves to me that I had no ill intent or abusive reactions. I was defending myself and instead of receiving compassion and understanding it was coerced and twisted to be used against me. Because of your article, I now have a sense of relief and can once again discover and own my voice that was silenced. It’s an enlightening sense of self empowerment. Not to be used against but for the rediscovery of who I am as a person. Thank you, You have made a life changing impact on my thinking and have directed me to a new road of self discovery and boundaries. I look forward to the journey and will be taking you with me if you’re willing to go. Kathy Leone
Thank you so much for sharing your journey, Kathy. Your words carry such depth, and they beautifully illustrate the strength and clarity you’ve gained through reflection and perseverance. It’s heartbreaking to hear how guilt and shame were used to silence your voice, yet inspiring to see how you are reclaiming your power and rediscovering your sense of self. Your willingness to recognize the difference between defensive measures and harmful intent is a profound step toward healing and growth.
What you’ve described about your son’s behavior and the long-lasting impact of narcissistic abuse underscores how challenging these dynamics can be, especially when self-blame and manipulation are involved. The fact that you are now seeing your reactions through a lens of compassion and understanding is a testament to your resilience and courage.
As you embark on this journey of self-discovery and building boundaries, I encourage you to take it one step at a time and remember that your voice matters deeply. If you feel it would support you further, I recommend exploring our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. It’s designed to provide tools and education to help individuals like you navigate complex situations and move forward with greater confidence and understanding.
Thank you for inviting us to walk alongside you on this journey—it’s an honor. Your story is a beacon of hope for others who may feel trapped in similar circumstances.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I cried reading this article ! It made so much sense
I thought finally someone really understands
What has been happening. My husband stole my dog and told me I would never see her again because I didn’t give into his demands so I followed him and called the police and now I’m being charged by the police the very people I called for protection. He went to the station saying how abusive I am basically saying everything he has done to me and the police believed him and charged me. This kind of education needs to be in the police force they are not equipped to make these decisions. Thank you so much for helping me understand what I am going through .
Thank you for sharing your experience and your heartfelt response to the article. I’m deeply sorry to hear about the pain and injustice you’ve endured. It’s clear that you’ve been navigating an incredibly challenging and painful situation with strength and courage.
The misuse of authority and manipulation you describe highlights how important it is for responders, including law enforcement, to have proper education and training on these dynamics. Your insight about the need for better understanding within the police force is so vital, and I hope that sharing your story helps to amplify this message.
What you’re experiencing is not your fault, and your reaction to this situation shows how deeply you care and how much you’ve been trying to protect yourself and your dog. These patterns of manipulation and gaslighting can make it especially hard to feel understood, but you’re not alone in this.
I encourage you to focus on finding stability and support as you move forward. Our Finding Clarity and Healing course could offer insights and tools to help you process these experiences and gain clarity. Many people have found it transformative in understanding their situations and creating a path forward. You can find more details at this link: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
Please take one step at a time, and remember to show yourself the same compassion you’ve shown others. You deserve safety, stability, and support as you heal and rebuild.
With hope and healing,
Annette
Hi, I found this article very interesting as I've not heard of reactive abuse before.
If I could, I'd like to ask you if what I am experiencing is reactive, or am I the abuser.
we've been together for nearly 10 years now, we have 2 kids an acreage she had purchased a year before we met. the first 2 or 3 years went well but that changed when she yanked our 3 month old daughter out my hands one nigjt because I wouldnt put her to sleep the way she wanted me to.
following that were Manny more instances of her needing things done her way or she would have a tantrum.
by this time I felt trapped because I had recently just went through a tramtic separation and was not looking to go through that again. so over time I convinced myself to stay for the kids. which I'm seeing now was a BIG mistake. fast forward to now. it feels like it's been a non stop argument for the last 4 or 5 years and it seems as though she's the antagonist. she does have valid concerns sometimes and so long as we can address them properly it's fine. but that's it. there not being addressed properly and a small issue usually turns into a yelling match with me walking away and her following me EVERYWHERE. And I mean relentlessly. when I ask her, no when I BEG her to please respect my boundaries and let me cool off because whats unraveling is very obviously not healthy. but she just WONT leave me be. going as far as standing I. my way. latching onto my truck when I try to leave, corners me or blocks doorways all because she NEEDS to talk about it now. so recently after many many MANY attempts to get her to back off, during a particularly intense argument she would not allow me to leave and I struck her. It turned Into s actual fight. I have NEVER hit a woman in my live and was raised that way. I am still in disbelief and it's been over 3 weeks now. I'm fixing to leave before things get worse. (although I'm not sure they could be much worse)
Hi there. It’s hard for me to tell which person is the abuser. On one hand, if she is following you to resolve and argument, that can be a behavior the victim enacts because they are traumatized for not experiencing empathy, understanding or resolution to conflict. If you go to our resource page on our website where we have the Maze of Confusion visual tool you can see how conversations and conflicts turn into circular conversations with no end. One person stonewalls the other from being able to express their points of view and experience empathy and understanding. They stonewall by using various covert behaviors such as blame-shifting, gaslighting, minimizing the victims concerns, or changing to topic. It blocks one from the ability to have meaningful and authentic conversations. This experience is very triggering. The victim becomes traumatized and reactive trying desperately to resolve the conflict and move to solutions. The perpetrator, avoids and blocks all attempts by the victim to feel seen and heard. On the other hand, sometimes abusers are the aggressors in conversations, where they follow the victim around and do not allow the victim to step away from the conversation. These types of abusers are commonly known to rage, catastrophize narratives, put down their partner and gaslight them.
Wow!
This is really quite an article!
I probably am the police officer you’ve mentioned several times in this thread.
I’m a retired state police officer – with 34 years behind me “on the job”. Obviously, during that tenure I was directly involved as a responding officer to (sadly) hundreds of domestics, probably involving every form of domestic abuse ever presented in our courts of law.
Due to the intensity of these domestic situations, the mental and physical stress the person arrested, most likely vividly remembers their perspective of the situation, their arrest and court results – the officer usually can easily bring to mind most of their involvement and the steps to resolve the immediate situation, and subsequent investigations, and their part in litigation.
Upon reading this article, I tried to picture several of the domestic scenarios that I’d been the responding law enforcement officer.
Yes! I can absolutely see the unwitting errors I made – as you describe the cases. Yup! That lady with the frying pan – would likely be headed next to the lockup – the partner who was always most convincing was the calmer one – or in some cases the least blooded…. I can remember the calm accusations, and the other subjects who occasionally couldn’t make a lick of sense – acted shocked, blaming themselves- and who usually got themselves arrested – exactly as you describe it
Now – I read this and discover that my best judgment guess may have been completely erroneous!
How sad I feel – that my utmost goal To PROTECT THE VICTIMS actually may have ENABLED THE PERPETRATOR PERSON to continue their criminal activities and behaviors in these domestic situations.
These responding mistakes made – simply because I’d NEVER even heard of such a thing!
Cops are sent there to stop the violence – separate and bring before the court perpetrators – but, nobody ever trained us with anything related to domestic psychology – not a clue! All we knew about was to maintain a serious mental alertness, self protection, and to remove the individuals apart – provide access to the courts, by completing the documentation, get statements and arrest, the logical aggressive person – all else we ever learned was that domestic violence calls were most likely the most dangerous police activity the responding officers could face during their entire career –
Hopefully, in the over 20 years since I retired – law enforcement officers have received a much training in this area giving them a better understanding – so they aren’t just looking at domestic violence the way we old school police officers were trained, and expected by the courts, the lawyers, judges, and society to handle, investigate, and perform law enforcement actions for domestic violence
Thank you sincerely for being honest about your past assumptions and mistakes. Sadly, law enforcement to this day continues to be unaware of the psychological impact and reactions of the abused. To make matters worse, judges are not informed either. It’s very sad. Your comment is particularly helpful for victims to see how important it is to get away from the abuse so they can remove themselves from reactive situations and avoid being labeled the abuser. It’s nearly impossible to regulate their emotions while remaining in a relationship where recurring abuse and trauma is taking place. If you have any influence with your local law enforcement agency maybe you can do advocacy work to increase awareness. It would be a worthwhile effort. Let us know if we can support you in any way. God bless you. Annette
Thank you for your service and I want to say this was my situation, I don’t blame the cops. These people are skilled at what they do. That is why they do it. My ex after breaking in my home after divorce. Sexually assaulted me. He then showed up with his mistress. The one that caused the divorce. There’s some history there but I wanted to discuss proper Baja kit around my kids so I stepped out of the house to walk my children to have a conversation we agreed we would have previously. He atta led me and had me down on the ground by my neck. Choking me. I was yelling out for my father who came out and scared him off. When I got up I reacted and chased him off my property. My children went with him. He had the time to tell a 7 year old he would never hurt me. Poor kid. The child told the cop and the cops never asked any questions to understand. I was hysterical. I didn’t feel safe in my home. But ultimately I was charged. He’s destroyed everything and everyone believes it. So I don’t blame the cops. This is hard for you to see
Hi Stacey,
What you are describing is so unfair and unfortunately it happens more often than one would think. The innocent party gets charged by police while the perpetrator walks free. It’s really important that you report to police what led up to the conflict. Strangulation is included in danger assessment tests as a high risk event to predict future domestic homicide. I’m concerned if you don’t get the help from a legal advocate or attorney that you will be documented as the abusive parent when you are truly the victim parent who was trying to shield your children from conflict. Please take real good care of yourself. Love, Annette
I have been in the same situation where I was arrested after years of emotional abuse and now I’m seeing My sister go through it. I was lucky, no charges and I got away from the man (not until he gave me a concussion though). My sister has been dealing with years of emotional, verbal and now financial abuse (he withholds money and even lets their vehicle get repossessed while he buys other expensive items; most recently a boat). She has had two outbursts and is now facing charges, both times she was arrested. She drinks to deal with the abuse and that’s where she loses control. He puts video cameras in their home and even tampers with her vehicle. Police officers didn’t even listen to her even when she requested to go to the hospital the first time when he injured her. I don’t know how to help her in her situation but I’m angry She won’t leave.
I recommend that you be patient with your sister. Be a good listener without judging her for staying. By you simply listening with open ears and not offering advice or critiquing her choices you are allowing her space to process the confusion she’s going through. As you are able to develop emotional safety and empathy in your relationship with her you are modeling what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. These positive experiences for your sister will hopefully build into allowing you to educate her or point her to our Tools and Resources on our website. Education provides clarity. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing. Once she feels she has a grasp on the nuances of her particular relationship, her confusion and stress will begin to calm where she can think more clearly about necessary next steps. I hope this helps. You’re a good sister. She needs you. Take good care. Love, Annette
Thank you so much for this article!! This has helped explain so much!!
You’re very welcome. I’m so glad it helped you. Love, Annette
this is exactly what happened to me
after him love boming me when I had tuned 20 and he was only 19 he proposed to me
Thank you for your comment. Reactive abuse is an explanation of what often occurs when recurring trauma is a pattern in the relationship. That said, reactive abuse or what I like to refer to as reactive defense provides an explanation to help you recognize that it’s not your fault. It’s not your normal character. Please realize, however, that most law enforcement personnel and the courts do not recognize reactive abuse. If you don’t separate yourself from your abuser so you can begin to heal and better regulate your emotions, you’re likely to be blamed for your reactions and labeled abusive. Work on loving yourself well. Take good care. Love, Annette Oltmans
think you may be enabling abusive female partners to plead a fictitious history of abuse in order to carry on being abusive to thier unwitting male partners
and also fooling those partners into thinking that there might be something wrong with thier behaviour
I feel badly let down and betrayed by the contradictive narrative that is never going to help my friend address thier abusive behaviour I wanted to withhold my details for our safety
I have two male family members who have hurt many people and always accuse thier victims successfully even though they were never injured themselves that doesn't help so im on my own
Thank you for your comment. The Understanding Reactive Abuse blog article is meant for those who are truly victims of recurring abuse and whose trauma causes them to react outside their normal character rather than respond calmly. True abusers will use any means and say and do just about anything to justify their abuse while they also claim to be the victim. This destructive stance occurs whether or not we have posted an article to help true victims of abuse. I hope that makes sense. Warmly, Annette
Spent the last 4hrs crying and going down a web spiral trying to understand why in an heated argument w my husband I slapped him. He was calling me crazy, dramatic, bipolar and the irrational prior to my reaction. To him smirking and saying that I’m definitely crazy and a horrible example of a woman and mother, while my kid is crying. Been wracking my brain trying to understand my reaction, reading this article has given me some insight. Slapping was wrong, I know that, I just wanted him to stop.
Thank you so much for sharing this vulnerable moment with us. I can feel the weight of what you’re carrying—the guilt, the confusion, the overwhelming emotions—and I want to take a moment to honor your heart. The fact that you’re sitting here, reflecting and trying to understand, speaks volumes about the kind of person and mother you are.
It sounds like you’ve been through so much. Being called hurtful names, dismissed, and provoked while your child was crying—it’s no wonder you felt desperate for it to stop. Reactive abuse is such a difficult and misunderstood concept. Yes, slapping wasn’t the right response, and it’s clear you already know that. But please, let’s set aside shame for a moment and acknowledge that anyone in your shoes could have been pushed to their limits. You’re not crazy. You’re human.
What happened isn’t a reflection of your worth. It’s a sign of how overwhelming and painful things have been for you. It’s okay to take this as an opportunity to explore how to create more stability, safety, and peace—not just for your child, but for yourself too.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Our Finding Clarity and Healing course could be an incredible resource for you. It’s designed to help untangle situations just like this, giving you the tools and clarity to move forward in a way that feels grounded and healing. Many who’ve taken it say it saved them about a year of therapy and completely shifted their perspective. You can find it here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
Please be gentle with yourself. You are not the problem here, and every bit of reflection and growth you do is a gift to both you and your child. Healing is a journey, and you’re already taking steps toward it.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I'm a man ….and I've been abused for at least 6 years ..she's made my family think I'm crazy , had me put in jail, saying I don't live at the house or trespassing and all of the above mentioned in reaction to her abuse …..I got away for a month or so but she played nice just long enough so I would move back and ever since then it's been downhill….more abusive than ever…. like she just wanted me back to control or hurt me or have me arrested….I have no money left she's stolen any possessions I've had and stole my phone on many occasions so I'd spend what money I had to get another one tracking my every move…..have no where to go cause my family doesn't want me around because she starts trouble and stress….. really don't know what to do but I'm exhausted and in fear she will hurt me soon…… in my sleep she burns me with cigarettes , woke up with cuts and needle punctures please help me in what to do it's just me but I have a son and trying to hide this from him because it isn't something he should have worry bout his dad …..but can't take anymore she also says i got t coming and calls the police for absolutely nothing… please help Man Broken and alone in middle Ga…..😪 thanks for listening
Thank you for sharing your story and your heart with us. I can feel the incredible weight you’ve been carrying, and I want to honor the strength it has taken to endure so much. What you’ve described is deeply troubling and heartbreaking, and I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
Your situation is serious, and your safety, as well as the well-being of your son, is the most important thing right now. There are resources available to help you find a way out of this abusive environment. In Georgia, you can reach out to the Georgia Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-334-2836. They can connect you with safe housing, legal support, and counseling services. They’ll also understand that men experience abuse too, and they’re there to help you.
If it’s safe for you, consider documenting the abuse you’ve experienced. Keep a detailed record of incidents, including dates and descriptions, and take photos of injuries or damage when possible. This can be important if you decide to pursue legal protection or custody of your son. Be sure to store this information securely, in a place she cannot access, such as online or with someone you trust.
Creating a safety plan is also crucial. Leaving an abuser can be incredibly challenging and sometimes dangerous, especially when your abuser has escalated their behavior. Domestic violence advocates can help you design a plan that works for your specific circumstances, ensuring that both you and your son can find stability and safety.
The way she has isolated you and damaged your relationships with your family is a common tactic used by abusers to maintain control. It’s hard to rebuild connections when someone is working against you, but finding even one trusted person or reaching out to a support group for male survivors can help you feel less alone. There are people who understand and want to help you.
I encourage you to explore tools and resources that can provide clarity and healing during this time. Many survivors have found the Finding Clarity and Healing Course transformative. You can learn more about it here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s designed to help you make sense of what you’ve experienced and take steps toward reclaiming your life. Many have shared that it jumpstarted their healing journey, saving them time and pain.
You’ve already shown incredible resilience by continuing to protect your son and seeking help despite overwhelming circumstances. Please take things one step at a time and remember that you don’t have to face this alone. There is hope, and there are people who care about you and want to support you on this journey.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I came upon your article yesterday. I’ve been married to a functional drinker who has been name calling me and goading me for years. 24 years ago whilst pregnant he hit me in the mouth after I drove us home from a new years eve party because I was sick on top of myself in his new car. I have never been a drinker and was completely sober that nigh but I always had challenging pregnancies. We have 2 special needs kids. So followed years of difficulties, he would name call and criticize me for my weight and for any reason really. This happened a lot when he was drunk or if he was in a very bad mood due to work stress. As a result sexual relations dried up because as a woman I felt deeply unloved and I threw myself into caring for my children and I felt I recoiled from wanting any intimacy with a man who appeared so sickened by me. Anyway, I noticed another change in him this year. Turns out he was sexting women, propositioned an ex colleague and slept with sex workers . He went to some sessions with an addiction therapist and told her that I hit him 2 years ago. Our son had been on life support and my father died and for 6 weeks we spent time at the hospital but I did the lions share there caring for my son and trying to get him back on his feet. We waited hours to be brought home waiting for an ambulance as my son had lost his walk through illness. We waited all day for an ambulance and when we got home, he had been drinking and poked me by making a comment About how I’d forgotten something. I cried when I read your article because I’ve never identified with anything so much as I couldn’t take anymore. He told his addiction therapist about this and she has reported me to social services as a safe guarding issue. I’m so deeply distressed by this because I gave up my entire life for my kids and he wasn’t honest about how he treated me and it feels so wrong. I would never hurt my children . Thanks for making me feel that I’m human. What I did was completely wrong but it absolutely was a response under the most challenging circumstances. He then walked out on his therapy . It’s going to be a long road ahead .
Thank you for sharing your story so openly. I can feel the immense weight of everything you’ve endured, and I want to acknowledge the incredible love and strength you’ve shown for your children through such difficult times. Navigating years of emotional harm, betrayal, and the challenges of caregiving is more than anyone should have to bear, and your pain is valid.
What you’re describing—reactive abuse—can happen when someone who has endured prolonged mistreatment reaches a breaking point. It doesn’t define who you are. Instead, it reflects how much pressure you’ve been under for so long. It’s heartbreaking that your reaction has been taken out of context and used against you, while the years of mistreatment you’ve endured haven’t been fully recognized. Your distress about this is completely valid.
I want to remind you that one moment of reacting out of deep pain doesn’t erase the love and care you’ve poured into your family. The sacrifices you’ve made for your children, even through overwhelming circumstances, speak volumes about your dedication as a parent. That truth will always stand.
If you’re looking for a way to make sense of everything and move forward, I encourage you to explore our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. You can find it here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. Many who’ve taken this course say it has saved them about a year of therapy and helped them see their situation more clearly, allowing them to take steps toward healing. It’s a resource designed to support you through this kind of pain and confusion.
Please try to extend the same compassion to yourself that you’ve shown to your children. You are human, and you’ve been carrying so much for so long. It’s okay to grieve, to rest, and to take steps toward finding peace. This isn’t the end of your story—it’s a chapter. Each day, you have the opportunity to begin again, and we are here to walk with you on that journey.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I called the police on my abuser after yet another incidence of them pinning me down by the neck and threatening to kill me, and because I had no marks and he had scratches on his arms, they arrested me for felony domestic violence. I don’t know what to do.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What happened to you is not only deeply painful, but also so unfair. Calling the police took an incredible amount of courage, and to have the situation turned against you like this is heartbreaking. I want you to know that what you’re experiencing isn’t your fault, and you deserve safety, understanding, and support.
Reactive abuse can be so easily misunderstood, especially in situations like yours, where law enforcement might focus only on visible injuries without understanding the larger context of ongoing harm. It’s devastating, and you are not alone in this.
Right now, finding someone who can advocate for you is so important. Reaching out to a domestic violence advocate or legal aid organization can help. Groups like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) can connect you with local resources, including legal support to help explain your situation. If you can, start documenting everything—what happened, previous incidents, any messages or communications that show the abuse you’ve experienced. These records might help clarify the truth and support your case.
I also want to encourage you to take care of your heart in all of this. You’ve been through so much. Your nervous system has been under incredible stress, and finding small moments of safety and self-care can be grounding during such a chaotic and overwhelming time.
If you’re looking for clarity and a path forward, The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course could be a lifeline for you. It’s helped so many people find understanding and hope, often saving them months or even years of therapy. You can find it here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
Please remember that none of this defines your worth. You’ve shown incredible strength, even in the face of something so unjust. Take things one step at a time—you don’t have to do this alone.
With so much care and hope for your healing,
Annette
Reactive abuse occurs when a victim responds to their abuser's provocations, often leading outsiders to misconstrue the victim as the aggressor. I experienced this in a past relationship where my defensive reactions were used against me, further complicating my emotions and self-perception. The article eloquently explains this phenomenon, helping to validate the experiences of those who may feel trapped in a cycle of blame and confusion. By bringing awareness to reactive abuse, we can foster greater empathy and understanding for those caught in these difficult situations.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It’s incredibly brave of you to reflect on how reactive abuse has impacted you and to articulate the complex emotions that come with it. The dynamic you described—where defensive reactions are turned against the victim—is one of the most painful aspects of reactive abuse. It not only deepens the cycle of harm but can also make it much harder to trust yourself and your feelings.
You’re absolutely right that bringing awareness to this issue is essential for fostering empathy and understanding. Recognizing that your reactions were rooted in self-defense, not aggression, is a powerful step toward reclaiming your sense of self and healing. Please remember that your value is not defined by how others may have misrepresented your actions, and your journey toward clarity and self-compassion is deeply meaningful.
If you haven’t yet explored it, I recommend our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. You can find it here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/. It’s designed to provide education and tools to untangle these complex dynamics, offering a path toward healing and hope. Many have found it transformative, often saying it saved them years of therapy.
Thank you again for contributing to this conversation. Your voice matters, and your willingness to share helps others feel seen and validated.
With hope and healing,
Annette
Thank you for your free, informed, researched article. I am going through a 2 year divorce with a covert narcissist. I have incredible guilt and self-blame that are making it hard for me to heal. In the process, I fear my kids aren't healing. Their dad has people( lawyers, GALS )convinced, I am the abuser. I know derp-down I'm not, but it messes with my mind, still. What is frustrating, is, outsiders tell me to " be strong for my kids." So, whenever I feel I'm not strong( outbursts about their dad's cruel, calculated, sinister behavior) I label myself a failure and just as bad as their dad. I care deeply about my kids. He just follows orders from therapists, and looks like a stable, caring dad. Behind closed doors, he tells my autistic and OCD son, his art is not good. He tells him to quit pacing,when my son has severe anxiety and ADHD. And he hits his roommates dog in front of my son; all of the time. My son loves that dog. And I could go on… My daughter just thinks we're both crazy; I think. She does what's necessary to survive for herself. It's upsetting to me because she is so neutral. I wish she would be angry with her dad. Again, that makes me feel like a bad, disgusting person and parent. She used to be a sensitive soul. Now she appears numb and so neutral, she will at times, defend her dad. It kills me inside. Even my past therapist, who was educated on narcissism, would get irritated with me. She knew my husband was a narcissist. She labeled him sadistic and on the dark tryad. BUT, I had so much guilt and self-blame, she got annoyed with me.
I'm doing deep-breathing, yoga, when I have time. My special needs son takes up a lot of my time. I homeschool him and I enjoy it. But, of course, my husband has convinced the GAL and maybe even my lawyer, I am a helicopter mom who won't allow my son a life. In reality, he is traumatized from him. I encourage my son to have interests, hobbies. But, he is severely impaired with OCD. And more than likely emotional abuse from my husband. And possibly reactive abuse from me, to my husband.
Anyway, my comment became a book. But, again, I truly thank you for your words of truth. Everyday I search for something that may confirm what I feel. This did!!
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story and the heavy burdens you’re carrying. It’s clear how deeply you love your children and want to create a safe, nurturing space for them to heal and thrive. Navigating a divorce, especially one that involves covert abuse and manipulation, is incredibly challenging—and the added complexity of supporting your children through their own experiences only heightens the weight of it all. Your honesty in reflecting on your guilt, frustration, and fears shows your dedication to being the best parent you can be.
It’s heartbreaking to witness the dynamics you’ve described, and it’s understandable that the constant manipulation and accusations leave you doubting yourself. Please remember: the feelings of guilt and self-blame you’re experiencing are natural reactions to the abuse you’ve endured—they are not a reflection of your worth or your ability as a parent. You are not the problem here. Your compassion, care, and determination to protect your children shine through, even in the face of relentless challenges.
It’s also so important to extend yourself the same grace and understanding you offer your children. Reactive behaviors are not who you are—they are survival responses to sustained manipulation and cruelty. You’re not failing; you’re human. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to have moments when you feel less than strong. Your willingness to keep trying, to show up, and to search for truth and clarity speaks volumes about your resilience and strength.
Regarding your children, their reactions—whether it’s your son’s anxiety or your daughter’s neutrality—are ways they’ve learned to adapt to a confusing and painful situation. These are protective mechanisms, not reflections of how much they care or who they’ll grow up to be. By continuing to provide them with love, stability, and understanding, you’re helping lay the groundwork for their healing, even if it doesn’t feel visible right now.
I also want to validate how draining it is to constantly face skepticism from professionals who may not fully grasp the complexities of covert narcissism or emotional abuse. You’re not alone in this, and there are resources and supportive communities that can offer guidance and validation.
If you haven’t yet explored it, I’d recommend looking into The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. This course is designed to provide insight and strategies for navigating situations just like yours. Many who’ve taken it have shared that it helped them find clarity, reclaim their confidence, and even reduced the time they needed in therapy. You can learn more about it at https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
You deserve compassion, rest, and hope as you continue this journey. Please know you’re not alone, and the courage you’ve shown in seeking understanding and sharing your heart is already a testament to your strength.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I really needed to read this tonight. I came upon it after midnight on Christmas night as I was standing out in the cold and rain. At the edge of the cliff that will end the cycle of abuse, so to speak. This needs to be the last time I give him this power over me. And I am the holder of the key. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and for reaching out. I want to acknowledge the deep emotions and the powerful realization you’ve expressed here. It takes incredible strength and clarity to recognize that you hold the key to breaking the cycle of harm, and I truly admire your courage.
Standing at such a significant moment in your journey, especially during a season that can feel so heavy and isolating, speaks volumes about your resilience. It’s not easy, but even taking the first step to reclaim your power is a profound act of self-love and care.
Remember, you don’t have to walk this path alone. Healing and creating a safe space for yourself is a journey, and you deserve all the support and compassion it takes to get there. If you haven’t already, I’d encourage you to explore our Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. It has been life-changing for many, providing the tools and understanding to help move forward with confidence and hope. You can find it here: https://themendproject.com/find-clarity-and-healing-course/.
Take things one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself in the process. You are worthy of peace, safety, and healing, and your bravery is already paving the way for a brighter future.
With hope and healing,
Annette
I absolutely know how that feels.
6 years ago a considered standing on the railway line just to be free of it.
I'm still with him, because i had a cancer diagnosis since then, have been having treatment and recovery.
He's my employer too, even though he tells me I do nothing and I'm not worth the wage every opportunity he can. Everything i do, i did for free for him for years, for the ' roof over my head' even though the house was half mine, we are in the process of selling our house and moving, I've started getting palpitations because I don't want to move, not with him anyway.
I used to be a chemistry lecturer but the psychological abuse wore me down and I've been ill for years now, of course now I know I've Internalised everything and my body has kept the score. I brought up our son mostly alone.
I want to leave him and I'm considering moving in with my best friend but I'm scared that maybe I am this horrible person and I'll be too difficult to live with, plus I have four cats, they're my only source of happiness now and I couldn't bear it I lost them in some way.
I truly hate him, he questions how I spend my money even though I only spend it on food, cat food and keeping up my aquariums (aquariums are great for mindfulness and help with grey rocking, well they have for me) I don't go out or buy any frivolous.
he works away mostly so most of the time I'm alone and I prefer that, he's a completely different person on the phone when he's away, but I'm past that crap now, I know its all fake and he wants to destroy me as soon as he gets home. I turned away from him emotionally ages ago. He's just said to me that this hoise shouldn't be half mine, nor the new one, because I haven't paid for it.
oh I've been with a secret abuser for 34 years, (nobody would believe me if i told them what my life was really like, he's an upstanding member of our community and treats me like gold when he has to, in front of people, I keep my friends separate, so they dont have to deal with his charming crap) so I have paid for it a million times over.
First, I want to say that I hear you, and I want to validate the pain and exhaustion you’re carrying. The years of enduring psychological abuse while navigating illness, parenting, and isolation have left you drained. What you’ve been through is not your fault, and the weight of it all is staggering. You’ve shown so much strength in sharing your story, and I hope you feel even a small sense of relief in voicing what’s been held inside for so long.
What stands out so clearly is how deeply your life and body have been impacted by the abuse. You mentioned that you’ve internalized everything and that your body has “kept the score.” This happens so often in abusive relationships because the stress, fear, and emotional turmoil take a physical toll. It sounds like you’re already starting to understand how these patterns have affected you, and that awareness is such an important first step toward healing.
It’s clear that you’ve given so much to this relationship – your time, your energy, and even your identity as a strong and capable person. And yet, you’ve been met with constant invalidation, manipulation, and cruelty. That you’ve survived 34 years in this environment speaks to your resilience, but it’s also heartbreaking that you’ve had to.
I also hear your fears about moving forward, and they’re so understandable. Doubting yourself, worrying that you’re “too difficult” or that others won’t understand—these are common feelings for people who’ve been worn down by psychological abuse. But I want to remind you that these thoughts are not the truth about who you are. They are reflections of the narrative your abuser has tried to instill in you over the years.
If you’re considering moving in with your best friend, it’s important to take small, manageable steps that prioritize your safety and well-being. And regarding your four cats—they’re clearly a source of comfort and connection for you, and keeping them with you as you move forward could provide a grounding presence during such a challenging time. That said, you need to prioritize your safety and mental and physical health over your cats. Think about taking half the money from the sale of the house and starting over with your best friend.
It might also help to focus on regaining some stability and clarity before making big decisions. You deserve to feel grounded and safe, and finding even small ways to nurture yourself—like caring for your aquariums, participating in an exercise class, or art class, or leaning into moments of peace—can make a difference.
If you haven’t yet, I’d highly encourage you to consider taking The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/finding-clarity-and-healing-curriculum. This course was created for situations just like yours and has been life-changing for so many. Students often report that it saves them a year of therapy by jumpstarting their healing process and giving them the tools they need to move forward with confidence.
Please know you are not alone in this, and there is hope for a better, freer future. The fact that you’re reflecting on your situation and contemplating change shows how much you value yourself and your well-being. You deserve kindness, love, and a life where you feel safe and supported.
With love,
Annette
This is an extremely worrying article that openly allows abusers to continue to abuse with the excuse that this article provides.
let me just reverse the sexes for a moment. you are essentially saying that it a wife belittles, talks down or emotionally abuses her husband it is perfectly acceptable for that man to fling himself into a rage and beat up his wife. afterall, he is simply lashing out and has no control. This website is encouraging this sort of violence and should be ashamed of itself for publishing this.
Thank you for expressing your concerns. The intent of this article is not to justify or condone violence in any form. Instead, it seeks to distinguish between an abuser’s deliberate harm and a victim’s defensive reactions in abusive dynamics. The article highlights that reactive responses arise from cumulative and deliberate trauma and are involuntary, rather than from a mindset seeking to control or harm another person. We welcome thoughtful dialogue and appreciate your perspective in helping foster a deeper understanding of these complex issues.
This is what Im going trough. i have 15 months old kid. the verbal abuse started month before i gave birth he was being cruel to me and acting out on every mistake i made at home. its funny how scary it felt. than not knowing how it escales in the future.
3 months after i gave birth he hit me for the first time. he slapped me because the baby was crying after bath.
in the incoming months he continued to react agressivly towards me everytime the baby cries. he broke my pc with his hands one time because i was making dinner and the kitchen wasnt clean.
afterwards he hit me the second time and pushed me on the bed. because i wasnt home when he thought i would be and the baby was crying.
i havent been more than 2 hours max away from home since i gave birth till now and its very rare once in a week or two.
After that i cant even remember how many times he started hitting me in the head with punch there was no slapping or pushing me on the bed anymore. he begin to threaten me that he will take me child from me that im crazy just like my mother. i was so stressed of losing my child i told my family about the threats not the hitting. Brother got mad and came to fight with him. i took my husbands side and told me brother to leave. since than i cant even tell my family my problems i cant make them worry again for me.
the emotional and verbal abuse continued i was beeing called cruel names and blamed for everyhing how im not good parent and i cant cook (cooking part is true). he gets me to the point where i feel like i will go crazy and i have to admit he is true for it to stop.
once my baby fell from the bed while sleeping, i was being blamed and got trown or draged on the ground and he punched me in the head. next day i had massive headackes. i cant even recall all the times he hits me in the head it has become somewhat normal everytime my baby falls or cries i get punched in the head.
today he broke my cellphone and some stuff at the house because my toddler cries twice she hurt her hand twice while playing i was watching her but i couldnt have know that she will slip or she will hit the cups so hard her hand will hurt to stop it.
it has became so stressfull taking care of the childm beung afraid i will hold her in a wrong way or she will cry.
im not agressive person ive always been calm i push everything inside me and dont react. but i cant do that lately i find myslef yeeling or calling him names. i cant flee or leave the house i dont want to leave my child. he will say i left and left my baby. im forced to stay in the abusive situation till the end.
the worst thing is he is treating he will take my child, and theres nothing i can do about it. even if the law says she stays with me in case of divorce he says he will kill me and take her. everytime we fight he says its because i am bad mother and he is trying to trach me how to be normal and violence is the only way i learn. he is saying things like you will die tonight. and he takes a knife in his hands, he sometimes brings the knife to my throat but at those moments im so angry i am not even aware what is going on.
i cant even talk to someone about this. i tried talking to his family but his mother says she talked to him but nothing canged.
i am even starting to believe he is right that i am crazy, i feel so frustrated its draining me. 😫
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My heart breaks for you as I read everything you’ve been enduring. I can feel the deep love and care you have for your child, even in the face of such overwhelming pain and fear. It’s not fair that you’ve had to carry so much on your own.
I want you to know this: you are not crazy, and this is not your fault. The things he says to you, the way he treats you—those are his choices, and they don’t reflect anything about your worth or who you are as a person or a mother. You’ve been doing everything you can to survive and protect your child in such an impossible situation. That takes so much strength.
I know it can feel like there’s no way out and like no one will believe you, but please know that there are people who care and want to help. Reaching out to someone you trust, even just to talk, could be a first step. You don’t have to share everything all at once—just what feels manageable for you. There are also domestic violence support services that can walk alongside you and help you create a plan to keep yourself and your child safe.
What you’re going through is not okay, and you deserve so much better than this. You and your child deserve safety and peace, and there are people who want to help you get there. Please try to be kind to yourself, even on the hardest days. You’ve been through so much, but you are still here, still trying, still loving your child. That says so much about your strength.
When he hits you in the head, he knows no bruising will show for others to see. It’s very calculated. Please don’t allow fear to keep you in this violent relationship. Talk to a local domestic violence agency so you can get help writing a protective order. Please call 911 when he breaks something or hits you. It’s super important to document with law enforcement that he is the abuser and you are the victim. If he is threatening to take your child, you can expect that he will eventually find a reason to call the police on you to paint the picture that you are emotionally unstable or violent. Please be brave. A DV agency can help you make a safety plan and document the truth. If you file for a protective order he will be the one who is kept from having limited custody of the child. You need to think smart and be proactive. Get help. Don’t worry about your family. Tell them the truth. You need them on your side. You need support.
If you haven’t already, I strongly encourage you to check out The MEND Project’s course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships: https://themendproject.com/finding-clarity-and-healing-curriculum. This course is specifically designed for situations like yours and has profoundly impacted countless lives. Many participants share that it has been transformational, often saving them a year of therapy by jumpstarting their healing journey and equipping them with the tools to move forward confidently.
You’re not alone in this. There is hope, even if it feels far away right now.
With care and understanding,
Annette
Is there a way when I take my Rx back to court for modification of child custody that someone on The Mend project can testify via FaceTime or something? My ex was abusive mentally/verbally more than physical. He got custody cause he videotaped me hit him after years of abuse. I do have his audio and video recordings of him being abusive. Right now the courts and the whole county things he is the victim. He even wrote a victim impact statement. I am drained financially due to because of him and he has custody of our little girls. Please help!
Hi Angela,
Thank you for reaching out. I’m so so sorry for all you’re going through. I can understand why you feel overwhelmed and mischaracterized. I’m not an attorney and I’m not a licensed clinician so I don’t believe the court will accept my testimony. If you can find out if they will, I am happy to help. I’m glad you have recorded your husband being abusive. Proof is essential. I am recommending that you look into two resources. The first is Coercive Control Consulting. It is a website that has webinars and fact sheets with recommendations for how to best present yourself in court to judges and court appointed counselors and mediators. There are specific things you should do in your communication and specific things to avoid in order to present yourself as healthy. You are the true protective parent so you want to know how to communicate in ways that will make that clear to court personnel. The other resource is Wings for Justice. They are a non profit organization that helps with legal work especially for women who have lost custody due to an abusive spouse manipulating the justice system. I hope these resources will be helpful to you. Please feel free to email me at [email protected] if you have any further questions. Take real good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
My parents are alcoholics and they’ve fought since I can remember. I mean wake us up in the middle of the night with screaming and things breaking downstairs. My brother would come into my room and make up games to distract me. Once I got to middle school my mom started emotionally and physically abusing me. I’m an adult now and she still turns on me when she gets drunk. Except I fight back now.. I shake uncontrollably and feel so cold after any argument we have. I’ve been feeling so much guilt for the things I say to her when this happens, and that I also get physical with her sometimes. I was starting to think something was wrong with me, like I was becoming the monster. Thank you for this article. It’s helped me feel somewhat better.
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal experience. Growing up in an environment where your parents’ alcoholism led to frequent conflicts, and enduring both emotional and physical abuse from your mother, has undoubtedly been profoundly challenging. It’s understandable that these experiences have left lasting impacts on you.
Your description of shaking uncontrollably and feeling cold after arguments indicates your body’s natural trauma response to stress and fear. These reactions are common among individuals who have faced prolonged abuse. It’s important to recognize that your responses during these confrontations are not a reflection of your character but rather your body’s instinctual defense mechanisms.
The guilt you’re experiencing over your reactions is a natural response, but it’s crucial to understand that defending yourself in such situations does not make you an abuser. Abuse is a deliberate choice to exert power and control over another person, whereas your reactions are involuntary responses to protect yourself from harm.
Healing from such deep-seated trauma is a journey that requires time, self-compassion, and support. Engaging with resources that offer education and guidance on these topics can help you learn to better regulate your emotions during a conflict. Please consider trauma therapy. It can be very helpful. . If you haven’t yet, I’d highly encourage you to consider taking The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course: https://themendproject.com/finding-clarity-and-healing-curriculum. This course was created for situations just like yours and has been life-changing for many. Students often report that it saves them a year of therapy by jumpstarting their healing process and giving them the tools they need to move forward with confidence.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. There are communities and resources available to support you as you work towards healing and reclaiming your sense of self.
With hope and healing,
Annette
Thank you. This helped so much. As a man I am dealing with this. I am constantly baited and disrespected. Talked down to and controlled. When I react and yell back in a way that is not me, I am called an abuser and told I don’t care. Thank you for helping me understand.
Thank you for sharing your experience. What you’re going through is incredibly challenging, and it’s not uncommon to react in ways that feel out of character when pushed to your limits. Being called an abuser when you’re responding to provocation is painful and confusing, but it doesn’t define who you are.
I’m glad this article has helped you gain some clarity. Keep seeking understanding—it’s a powerful step forward.
Warmly,
Annette
Thank you whoever you are. It's quite obvious that you have looked past the superficial, and sometimes not so superficial, aspects of a relationship with abuse. it doesn't seem like many or the majority are doing that. it's very true that once you react it's actually the fast track to being blamed and deeper and deeper and deeper you go. I could go on forever thank you so much for posting this. my situation is a sister and then my responder is my mother and the fact is I can't expect my mother to know all of these things. so she may not be that ideal person to respond. and that's not her fault so I don't know just thank you very much for very much very informative and to me very important I appreciate it
I appreciate what you’re saying Paul. You’re very welcome! Take really good care of yourself. Annette Oltmans
I have a fifteen year old grandson. I believe his stepmother treats him this way. He is a very good boy but she brings a different side out in him. When he does go to his dad’s now he spends all his time in his room. My son and his wife constantly argue over him because of how she treats him differently. It breaks my heart because he is now very insecure
I can feel how much you love and worry about your grandson, and it’s heartbreaking to watch him withdraw like this. He’s likely feeling unsafe or unseen in his dad’s home, and spending all his time in his room may be his way of protecting himself emotionally. It’s incredibly painful to know he’s struggling and not be able to change the situation for him.
One of the best things you can do is continue being a steady source of love and validation for him. Remind him often that he’s not the problem, that his feelings are real and understandable, and that he has people who see and support him. Sometimes, just knowing that someone truly understands can make a huge difference.
Since your son and his wife are already arguing about this, it may help to gently encourage your son to focus on creating a safe and emotionally supportive space for his son rather than getting caught in the conflict. If he can acknowledge what his son is experiencing and prioritize his well-being, it could help shift the dynamic. Your son needs to realize that your grandson is a minor child in the developmental stages of life. He needs his father’s protection, emotional safety and support. I’m not saying that your grandson shouldn’t be expected to be respectful. That said, if your grandson is not being treated with kindness and respect your son needs to know it is damaging to his psychological development and may manifest in ways that are much more difficult to manage that facing the original problem with his wife.
If your grandson ever wants to talk or needs a safe outlet, helping him find a mentor, coach, or counselor could be really valuable. Having a neutral adult outside the family to confide in might give him the support and perspective he needs.
More than anything, keep reminding him that he is deeply loved and that his worth isn’t determined by how anyone else treats him. That message will stay with him, even in the hardest moments.
With care,
Annette
Thank you. This is everything I’m going through I just didn’t know exactly what it was called. 100% accurate. Gives me some hope
Hi Kim,
I’m so glad you found our resources helpful! I recommend that you take our self-paced online course. It’s only four modules long with about one hour of reading per week plus a weekly recorded session with me for 1 to 2 hours.
The course will jumpstart your healing and give you a comprehensive understanding of the nuances of your specific relationship. Please also watch our YouTube Workshop videos. I think you’ll find them helpful.
Annette
I seem to have fallen in a cycle of one abusive relationship after another. This is spot on. Sadly I was charged for a disorderly conduct due to my response and lost a job I had for 19.5 years. I am still distraught. Lost. Seen 3 therapists week for almost a year. Couldn’t work so I sold my beautiful home and paid cash for a home without even a garage 3 hours from my family. It is more than lonely. Tried to work repeatedly but anxiety and stress get the best of me. I wish that this would have been something the officers paid attention to before believing a girl who instigated and harassed me. During this time I was being bitten. Slapped, barricading myself in my own home. I don’t know what to do. This should be taught to responders everywhere.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. What you’re describing is incredibly painful, and the losses you’ve endured—your job, your home, and your sense of safety—are profound. It makes sense that you’re feeling distraught and lost. You’ve been carrying so much.
It’s devastating that responders weren’t equipped with the knowledge to recognize what was truly happening. Too often, those experiencing repeated harm find themselves unfairly blamed when they finally react in distress. You deserved to be protected and understood, not punished for trying to survive. This is exactly why The MEND Project works to educate responders, therapists, and individuals on the realities of reactive abuse and the patterns of harm that often go unseen.
Please know you are not alone, even in the loneliness you’re feeling now. Your experiences matter. You’ve already taken courageous steps by seeking help and recognizing these patterns. I hope you can be gentle with yourself as you navigate this. There is still hope for healing and rebuilding in a way that honors your worth. You are seen, and what happened to you matters.
Take time each day to care well for yourself. Take an exercise class, art class or other creative endeavor. Force yourself to connect with new people. That’s one of the benefits of joining a class where you see the same people each week. I wouldn’t share your circumstances with anyone until you know them very well and have determined them to be emotionally safe and confidential. Read a good book, take a warm bath. Pamper yourself to produce endorphins to counteract all the stress hormones surging through your body.
Warmly,
Annette💙
So as a man that believes he's been emotionally abused by a person with covert narcissistic behaviors across the spectrum, how would those signs be seen as? from gaslighting, silent treatment, smear campaigns, refusal of accountability with proof of acts. as a veteran with PTSD and abandonment issues I'm very aware of myself, communicating and looking for resolution and after lots of hours researching digging the patterns are there with proof but no one takes me seriously. I've yelled and I've broken objects and I'm labeled the aggressor. she make false police reports, when I'm exhausted trying to resolve the issue by communication out the blue I'll get a text or the newest one was a man I believed her to be sleeping with reached out to me a year after I messaged trying to confront him. she was playing the victim after being evicted and now he's been seen in the same area the man lives according to back ground search on him. he confirmed the deceit and lies but keeps digging to see if I know where she is because I supposedly have a tracker in her. because I knew where she was after a friend asked if she was still homeless. I'm tired of the games in tired of acting out more like her then myself if that makes sense. how do I show this to an officer so I'm finally able to shed light on the situation?
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re describing—gaslighting, silent treatment, smear campaigns, and false accusations—are all deeply painful and disorienting tactics of emotional abuse. It makes sense that after everything you’ve endured, you’re exhausted and feeling like you’re acting in ways that don’t even feel like yourself anymore. That’s what long-term abuse and manipulation can do—it pushes good, well-intentioned people to their limits.
When you’re the one reacting in frustration, it’s so unfair that the focus shifts to you, while the person instigating the harm continues to manipulate the narrative. That’s one of the hardest parts of covert abuse—outsiders don’t see what led up to your reactions, so they misjudge the situation. You’re not alone in that experience.
As for how to communicate this to law enforcement, documentation will be your strongest tool. Keep records of everything—texts, emails, proof of false reports, and even a timeline of events. When you present your side, stick to facts rather than emotions, because unfortunately, emotions can be used against you in these situations. If you can, having a lawyer or advocate help you organize and present your case might be useful. You might also find it helpful to print out our Terms and Definitions and our Maze of Confusion. It helps yourself and others see and understand more about the dynamics playing out in your communications.
I also want to acknowledge how much you’ve fought to be heard and understood. That takes a huge amount of strength. You deserve support, clarity, and healing. If you haven’t already, I’d really encourage you to check out The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course. It was designed for situations just like yours and has helped so many people get the clarity and tools they need to move forward. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of therapy and jump-started their healing process. Please take it! I promise it will help you recover.
In regards to your reactions that are out of character for you, it’s critically important that you realize that law enforcement does not understand reactive abuse. They will always deem you to be the aggressor because your reactions are not subtle like your abuser, but rather they are qualified as violent. It’s worth your focused effort to get professional help to teach you how to regulate your emotions when you’re triggered. There are numerous effective coping strategies that have helped many. Also, work on emotionally disengaging from your abuser. What I mean is to pull back and avoid at all cost sharing your vulnerabilities or desires to convince her of anything. No matter how hard you try to communicate correctly with her she is not capable of considering your perspective. She will say and do just about anything to avoid accountability and responsibility. Please don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you can choose the perfect words to change her responses. You desire authentic communication and safe emotional connection. Her motives in the relationship are entirely different and destructive. She aims to power over you and win every argument rather than seeking a healthy way to move through conflicts to amicable solutions. When she acts abusively in conversations, where you feel you’re in a circular conversation leading nowhere, please take a deep breath and choose to walk away rather than try to convince her of what she’s doing or what your perspective is. I encourage you to terminate this relationship and to try not to worry about the smear campaign. Clarify your position only to people who you know you can trust and let everyone else go. Even though you know the truth, that does not mean you can convince others to align with you and if you try and are rejected it will be even more difficult for you to regulate yourself.
Lastly, do things that bring you joy. You need to get out of your head where you are ruminating about your abuser. Take an exercise or art class. This will produce endorphins in your body to help to counteract the stress hormones that are constantly surging and dysregulating you. When you join a class of some sort, you will begin to meet new people where you can enjoy fun loving superficial conversations. Building new connections, physical activity, and creative outlets are ways to take care of yourself.
You’re not crazy, and you’re not alone. Keep holding on to who you are. You deserve to be seen and believed.
With care,
Annette
untreated aspie husband and 30 years of this…I yell, I'm not heard…I've started to drink…I'm ridiculed for being drunk….
just xant take it anymore and my adult kids see me as causing so.e of the abusive situations when kve taken it for years and been neglected in hopes of keeping my family together.
I hear the immense pain in your words. Thirty years of being unheard, neglected, and ridiculed—while trying to hold your family together—has taken a deep toll. The fact that your adult children see you as part of the problem must be heartbreaking, especially when they don’t fully understand the years of mistreatment you’ve endured.
I’m going to say something bold: Staying in a destructive marriage to hold the family together will not lead to the outcome you hope for. The mental and physical stress you are experiencing is harmful to your overall well-being and sense of self. If your children grew up in this environment, the stress in the home may have negatively impacted them, even affecting their brain development in their early years.
At this point, one of the most powerful things you can do is shift your focus toward your own emotional and physical health. One way to do this is by practicing emotional disengagement. That doesn’t mean shutting down or disconnecting from yourself—it means choosing not to engage in cycles of conflict that drain you. A helpful strategy is Grey Rock, where you limit emotional responses and keep interactions neutral. You can say things like, “That’s interesting,” or “I hear you, but I don’t share your perspective.” Then, walk away and remove yourself from the conversation.
This isn’t about changing your partner or convincing your children of your perspective. It’s about reclaiming your energy and protecting your well-being. You deserve clarity and support in this next step, and you don’t have to figure it all out alone. If you haven’t yet, I’d encourage you to consider The MEND Project’s Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships course, which you will find on our resource section of our website. It was created for situations just like yours and has helped many people gain the insight and tools they need to move forward whether or not you decide to stay or leave.
In regards to your relationship with your children, try not to convince them that their dad is bad or wrong. They are the children, and you are the adult, even if they are adults too. Focus on being present for them—their emotional needs, interests, and friendships. If you hold space for them, they will begin to see the difference in how you treat them versus how their father treats them. For example, you will be asking them thoughtful questions about their lives and responding in non-judgmental ways. You will be affirming and a good listener, which I doubt their father is capable of.
In regards to you over consuming alcohol, instead of self-medicating, I highly recommend that you begin to take really good care of yourself. Join an exercise group and an art or craft class. Do things that bring you joy on a regimented basis. Take long walks or a hot bath and read a good book. These types of activities produce endorphins, which will help reduce the stress hormones surging through your body. You need to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone where you isolate and drink. Try new things. You will meet new people that will bring you joy. Even superficial conversations with happy and safe people will help you dramatically.
You are not the problem. You are a person who has been trying to survive in an impossible situation. And you deserve peace. That said, you need to be proactive if you want to see changes within yourself.
Please take really good care of yourself. What I mean is to adopt a radical change in self-care. Love, Annette💜
I was locked out of the bathroom and Dave knew I needed to be to work early & leave early to attend her 2 year well check. He also has a job in an industry he has worked in for 25 years. He works from wherever he wants typically.
I said dude, how long are you going to be? Come on! He said there is another shower in our home. With bath toys and no girl shampoo, conditioner etc.
So he opens the door and spit in my face. Locked the door. I am 60 days into the new job and furious. He walks out gets in my face yells so loud. Baby crying now. I gave him a titty twister. He scratched himself and called the cops.
He said I was crazy but someone had to go to jail. I owned a house with him that iI put 70k down on and just started to work. Who was going to pay our bills, mortgage?
So even though he he also punched me in the jaw I took the hit.
Man, did that court not like me. He took fake pictures and planted weed (I don’t even smoke week. Emptied 1/2 of our returnable into my backseat to say that I drink and drive with daughter and I had nothing on him. I am an only child and I don’t think that way. I didn’t know people could be so vindictive and conniving.
Thank you for this article.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Yes, they are vindictive and retaliatory. I hope you did okay in court. It’s important that you document everything he does and keep all emails and text messages. You don’t want to be painted as the abusive one because it can be very difficult to turn things around to show it is your husband who is the abuser. Be very careful and make copies of all your banking records and passwords. Make a safe exit plan. Take really good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
Great article! explains everything in understanding reactive defence. I'm living this and been in an abusive relationship for 18yrs without knowing I was abused. I was isolated, physically abused, financially, mentally and now my abuser goes on to take my child making me the abuser as I reacted when he took our child. I did this as he was using the same technique as he did on me.
I haven't seen my son for over 5month and my voice hasn't been heard 😕
the Authorities are not trained in this department.
I was misinformed I could not contact my son by police from September. my son reached out at Christmas to come and collect his gifts from myself and my family. I was told I was not allowed.
I had to explain to my son 😕
on January the 6th I was told there was no restrictions with my son and never was!
I have reached out and my son won't talk to me.
His dad has brainwashed him that I don't care for him and abandoned him.
he's got my son to lie about me being abusive when this isn't the case, everything he has abusively done he turned it on me.
I don't call myself a victim, I'm a surviour!
these type of people are evil! to ruin there own child's life and mine to protect their image to the public. yes they do smear you to , which causes isolation. This is criminal and they should go to jail.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and medicated.
I was a healthy person, confident, attractive and thriving! I'm living a nightmare of loosing my child, my home, my business and my identity!
whilst he goes on in life looking superior, helpful , great person to the community.
he is a different nationality!
he has what he married me for.
he is for the streets! done everything possible to me and definitely ruined my life!
Hi Sharon,
Thank you for your comment and being so vulnerable. I’m deeply sorry for all you’ve been through. I don’t know how old your son is or whether he is of an age to choose not to see you. You should have parental rights to pursue in court. I would not stop attempting to contact your son. Even if you can find a relative to deliver him a nice card telling him how much you love and care for him. I would not share your personal problems or disparage his dad. That can backfire on you. I would frame your interactions with him to focus on how he is doing, his interests, school life and so forth. You might like to go to the website Coercive Control Consulting. It has many helpful tips for people in your situation. Please take really good care of yourself. Use this time to calm your PTSD and do things that bring your joy, like exercise, creative endeavors, self care and so forth. You need to do things to produce endorphins to counteract all the stress hormones surging through your body. If you can take good care of you, you will think more clearly and be able to present yourself more calmly. Love, Annette
This article has been so helpful. I relate to almost all of the dynamics you describe here. One
Difference is that I sought help early and often from
Therapist and close friends. There came a point where I even had to bring family in on what was going on. I have felt guilt about this because I am not trying to build a case against my partner or turn people against him. I want him to have support too. I have a support system of people who believe me. Even with support it has been incredibly damaging to me, physically and mentally. (I lost most of my hair.) I don’t think I will fully heal unless I leave. I also have a hard time accepting that my partner would abuse me or cause harm intentionally. Is it possible that he is causing harm to me out of his own unhealed childhood trauma? Either way, it is not okay. I have been able to have compassion for him and still believe he must accept accountability for his actions. He believes I am abusive, not just to him, but to our children. Thanks to my support system I know this is not true. I have never isolated myself and he does not try to keep me from my friends/family. One thing I do is always look for the things that are good- he is supportive of me having friends and taking time to be with them, he is a good dad (except for treating their mother poorly!). I will say things like “it’s not all bad” and it has kept me in cycles of harm for many years. After years of therapy I have learned to emotionally disengage rather than listen to the crazy narrative he has and then explode! But that doesn’t mean the dynamic is better. It just means I have gotten better. Though I have gained some clarity, I still doubt myself and think “it’s not that bad, don’t leave. You’ll disrupt everyone’s lives.” I have sent this article to support system to help them better understand what I have been through. It is so hard to describe!! Thank you for the work you do!
Hi Mary, Thank you for your comment. In reading your narrative, there are numerous clues that indicate you are over-functioning, doing the lion’s share of the work in the relationship, and taking responsibility for holding the marriage together. I like that you are learning to disengage. That said, you are still deeply impacted by how your husband treats you. It doesn’t matter what has caused him to be this way, his motivations are to power over you and place you in a downgraded position. These behaviors cause trauma. Trauma impacts both the mind and body in numerous harmful ways. If you are reactive, it is impacting your children. It’s not your fault. You are married to an abusive person. It is your responsibility to change the environment your children are exposed to if there is any way possible. I do not mean to accommodate your spouse’s destructive behavior. You need clarity and strength in order to determine what the best next steps might need to be for you and your children. Please take our online course Finding Clarity…….It will answer your questions, strengthen you and jump-start you on your healing journey. Please take good care. Big hugs, Annette
"i just want to say, as a reactive abuser, i hate it. i get irrationally angry with my father for absolutely no reason, and i question why i do it. i am always so confused when i just burst in anger at him and only him for the smallest thing. it made me doubt myself and call me a bad person. i'm very glad to actually find out why i get so angry for no reason so quickly and cant seem to calm down."
Hi Erin, Thank you for your vulnerability. I’m glad you’re able to recognize that you are reactive. What concerns me is that you write you react over the smallest of things. Usually reactive abuse or reactive defense is because you are being manipulated, oppressed, powered over or emotionally or physically abused. You are triggered by recurring abuse over a lengthy period of time. If your father has not abused you over the years, you might need to reframe your thinking. It’s important to work on coping mechanisms because reactions rather than thoughtful responses can be abusive in and of themselves. When we react harshly to people who aren’t at the core of our abusive histories, it’s abusive to the person on the receiving end. Those who are reactive, need to accept responsibility for their behavior and work to change. I hope my reply makes sense. Take good care. Annette
I can’t believe I found this article. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years where any feedback regarding my boundaries being violated receives extreme anger responses from my husband verbally and him literally withholding love from me. He never takes responsibility for his behavior when I point out that it hurts me. During conflict he becomes a different person and says horrible things without thinking. This usually ends in me having a panic attack and pleading for him to stop saying hurtful things and withholding his love from me. Unfortunately during this extreme stress I have tried hitting him on the shoulder once to snap out of his rage, once I threw wine at him (not the glass) and I’ve shouted in protest to get him to stop. This is completely out of character for me and reading through this article it truly helps knowing what is happening. My husband refuses responsibility and oftentimes would call me an abuser because I hit him. This relationship caused me to be diagnosed with CPSTD and he is incredibly smart to say things to lure me to reaction. I am a very good communicator and can remain calm, but if the behavior just continues with no reason it feels like the worst kind of abandonment in the world. This article gives me a glimmer of hope to fight for my sanity and my wellbeing and not to be tormented by thinking I might be the abuser. Truly devastating. Thank you for your article.
Klara,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been experiencing, and I want you to know that you’re not alone. Emotional and psychological abuse can be incredibly disorienting, and I completely understand why you’re struggling with feelings of self-doubt in this situation.
I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself. Being pushed to your limits does not make you the abuser—reactive responses under extreme stress are not the same as a pattern of coercion or control. What you’ve described—your boundaries being ignored, being met with anger and blame, and experiencing severe emotional distress—are all signs of a toxic, abusive dynamic. Abuse is about power and control, and it sounds like your husband’s behavior has left you feeling trapped in a cycle of harm and self-blame.
Have you taken my self-paced course called Finding Clarity? If not, I encourage you to take it. It will provide a comprehensive amount of education and clarity through four modules of learning. Each module includes a one- to two-hour recorded session with me, and I know it will help you become stronger and navigate crazy-making conversations much more effectively.
Please do your best not to react. I’ve seen so many situations where an abuser uses the victim’s reaction against them, even with law enforcement, to paint them as the abuser. If law enforcement ever gets involved, you’ll be the one documented as abusive, and that kind of record can hurt you in court if it ever comes to that.
Try to emotionally disengage from your husband. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into destructive conversations. If you need to, put up your hand and say, “Stop! I’m not going to continue in this destructive conversation where you never accept responsibility for your behavior and words.” It’s not wise to seek emotional soothing from the very person who is harming you. Instead, get your validation from trusted friends or family. He will never validate you.
I want you to reach the point where you no longer set yourself up for rejection or hold onto unrealistic hopes. He will not demonstrate empathy. His goal is to have power over you and keep you in a downgraded position. You, on the other hand, are seeking a deeper emotional connection—but your husband is not healthy. Please don’t gaslight yourself into thinking otherwise.
You deserve peace, clarity, and a life free from this torment. I’m sending you strength and support. 💛
This described my whole 27 years of marriage . And it still continues to be worse and I have become ill . Diagnosed with cancer twice and a full hysterectomy to remove cervical cancer only two months ago and I’m being mistreated for the inability to have sex with him . I’ve been threatened with his cheating , his taking away financial support his kicking me out of our home and he has taking advantage of me as I sleep even . I can’t explain why I stay and why I hate the thought of his leaving me but I do and so I struggle to make his treatment ok in my mind . I can’t function even enough to find employment or have friends or family everyone have been witnesses of his behavior to some degree and no longer come by to see me . He shuts me up in the house while he sleeps all his time at home away and I’m not even permitted to leave in the vehicles we have one he keeps his tools in for work the other is his new truck and I don’t pay the bill so it is not mine to use at will. I’m screaming inside and can’t even speak of being unhappy or hurt or expect him to even show care at all just a dismissive shrug as he continues his behavior all the while trying to tell me it is all my fault for us being this broken .
Hi Chastity,
Gosh, I’m so sorry. You are stuck in the thick of it. Please take our self-paced online course. Graduates regularly tell us it saved them a year in therapy. You are being severely abused. You need to find clarity, which our course will give you, and you need to understand changes that are critical to make in your mind to gain a better perspective. I would also read our article on trauma bonding and watch our YouTube video on the same subject. You are going to die if you don’t get proactive and start learning about the totality of your situation. After you take the course, please feel free to reach out to ask any questions you may have. We are here for you. Warmly, Annette
I thank you for this article. I recently was arrested and thrown out of my home. My husband started an argument with me because I picked up my phone without him even being in the room then proceeded to tell me he was going to put a bullet in my head. He grabbed my phone and wouldn’t give it back. I pushed him and grabbed my phone. I got arrested. I’m so distraught over this
Hi Debbie,
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sadly, I hear these types of stories a lot. The offender manipulates facts to their advantage writing a whole new narrative. I would contact your law enforcement agency and ask them to be sure to include the entire set of facts leading up to the altercation. That way, if you end up in court, the judge will see the full picture. If you have been experiencing ongoing abuse and if you have children, you can always reach out to child protective services to report and you can get a restraining order. Contact your local domestic violence agency to have them help you with advice and how to write the restrainer order submittal. I would also go to the website Coercive Control Consulting. Dr. Cochiolla has a lot of tips for how to navigate court and properly protect your kids so the court sees that you are the protective parent. I highly recommend that you take our self-paced online course. It will give you the clarity you need and jump-start your healing journey. I wish I could help you more. Please hang in there and take good care of yourself. Warm hugs, Annette
I am a male 55 have left an abusive relationship to a lady 18 years younger. we had a baby girl together I left just after her first bday she is now two. The abuse was going on long before my beautiful girl came in to the world. I was being blamed for everything from financial hardship where my bank account was scrutinized , she would take my phone and check it, she would call me an alcoholic , drug addict, You look like a meth addict. Loser , just an old man, liar, shit in bed ,5 min wonder, all in front of her other kids and would go on an on for hours and I mean hours to the point of repeating her self, bringing up my past relationships and girlfriends that she didn't even know.. Until I would finally react.. And then I'd be accused of being abusive. id ask her to stop, please stop now. etc etc. My reactions were never violent . She is making it hard for me to spend quality time with my girl. She is now trying to turning my little girl against me..
Hi Garth, I’m so sorry. It’s hard when the true abuser has custody of the child. They frequently alienate the protective parent from the innocent child. I recommend that you go to a website called Coercive Control Consulting. Read everything you can on that site. It’s going to be critically important that you know how to interact with your child in ways that she feels emotionally safe with you without disparaging her mom. If you disparage her mom, you’re focusing on your problems with her. You want to show your daughter that your focus is on her emotional and physical safety and well-being. As she gets older, the secure attachment you’ve formed with her will keep her feeling safe. Continue to not disparage her mom. However, if she complains about maltreatment from her mom, it’s perfectly fine to say something like, “I’m so sorry honey. I don’t agree with that behavior. In this house you can feel free to talk about whatever you need to and I’ll be here for you. I care about how you’re feeling and doing. I’ll never leave you.” You may need to go to court to secure a custody agreement. In fact, I advise that as soon as possible so your ex can’t leave the area all together. The website I mentioned will help you get your head focused on the right things. Take good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
this article just saved my life.
thank you, truly. I hope I can make it out safely now. I may not have anything to my name, but now I have these words, and myself. finally something.
I'm sorry, thank you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all that you are. You’re very welcome. I’m glad the article helped you. Your safety comes first. Please be careful. Even if you only have two pennies to rub together, it will be so much better than living in abuse. Your mind and body need to heal. Please consider taking our self-paced course Finding Clarity….. I promise you it will save you about a year in therapy and jump-start your healing journey. Take good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
OMG finally an understanding to my reactive behaviors.
I am so glad this article gave you clarity!
Thank you for posting this article. I have been searching for a long time for a way to explain my situation. It helps to read that I am not crazy, that this is a real problem.
You’re very welcome. I’m glad you found it helpful. Warmly, Annette
Is there legal help if you were reactive 1 time after years of abuse? My daughter is now facing domestic violence charges and she has never never been violent in her life.
Hi Hope,
I hear of stories like this all too often. Please tap into the resources on the website Coercive Control Consulting. You and your daughter will learn how to interface with court ordered psychologists and mediators so your daughter presents herself as the loving protective parent. I’m not sure if she has children. In either case, I would search for an attorney that understands narcissistic abuse. If your daughter’s husband has ever damaged property or assaulted her in any way I would go to law enforcement offices and report it after the fact. She can explain that she was too scared to report it earlier for fear of retaliation and harm. When she goes to court it’s critically important that she remain calm. When you’re traumatized this is very hard to do but it remains essential so she is not mischaracterized as the emotionally unstable one. I always like to get legal advice so I would try to find a good attorney or a legal advocate from a domestic violence agency. Warmly, Annette
Thank you now I understand
You’re so welcome, I’m glad this article was helpful to you!
This is the first article that has completely explained everything I’ve been experiencing. It affected my reactions to my children as they come home repeating their dads and mistresses (now wife) comments about me. I have CPTSD. The self doubt and guilt is debilitating. I can’t even read messages from him without blood pressure spiking and losing my vision. There is hope reading this. Thank you!
Hi Stacey,
CPTSD is really hard. It’s hard to deal with how it impacts your cognitive thoughts, emotions and how your physical body responds to stress. It takes a long time to heal. It’s critically important that you take proactive steps to pour into yourself. Even when you don’t feel like it do things that bring you joy. Sign up for an exercise class, art class, do some crafting and so forth. When you sign up for classes you become familiar with the other students and begin to have light hearted conversations that produce endorphins to counteract the stress hormones surging through your body. Please don’t isolate. If your children are saying things that trigger you try to see yourself as someone who is meant to be grounded for them. Sometimes if you write down in advance how you will interface with your kids to place their needs as the priority when you’re triggered you can better implement those strategies. Please watch the most recent workshop I did on parenting with trauma. There are some really good tools and tips in there to help you know what to focus on in your interactions with your children. I hope that helps. Warmly, Annette
Thank you
You’re so welcome!
I dated a girl who is a Narcissist, she now does 3rd party harassment against me. When I react I never knew I was doing reactivate abuse. Her 3rd party harassment call it a emotional outburst. I'm glad I found this site I'm going to further my research on this topic.
Hi Carl, I’m so glad you found the article helpful. Please be careful and take really good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
I was dizzy and breathing hard as I read this. It's exactly how I feel and has made me question if this is why I have begun to act so out of character when my boyfriend gets angry or raises his voic e. in the 5 years we've been together, I've been chocked more times than I cam count, had so many black eyes it's embarrassing, been slung across the room countless times, had my split open a couple of times, even had to get 6 stitches on one occasion. All while I was being screamed at and told that I'm stupid or crazy and with him threatening to kill me or beat my brains in. At first I was surprised by his attacks and didn't know how to respond but more recently I've started calling him bad names (the ones he uses to make me feel even more worthless than I already do but had never even spoken out load). I feel so mean and out of control and I'm trying to stop but I literally can't. I stand up for myself because I know I'm going to get hurt. (I'm 5', 120lbs and he's close to 6' and 275lbs) When it's all over I'm a total wreck and can't put a coherent sentence together. it's like I'm drained. Right now I have a bloody marshmallow like swollen spot on my forehead as well as choke marks and bruised shoulders and collar bones. He always says it's my mouth that makes him want to kill me, but he's already screaming and towering over me. I feel so ashamed and sad . He''ll leave and not speak to me or help me, sometimes hours sometimes days, when he sees that he's hurt me. Although he.doesn't really apologize for it because it's always my fault he seems to feel bad and tells me he's going to do better. Last night's fight was because I asked where he was and he said he was at home but he wasn't, I was there alone. What I had foreseen as a peaceful night turned into a nightmare that ended with me wrecking my car and begging him for help. He of course did not help. Today I feel so much fear and confusion and hurt both mentally and physically mixed with so much shame and self loathing that I wish he had of killed me. I don't know where to turn or what to do or think it's like a drained out daze. I know I need mental help but don't know where or how to start.
Dear Donna, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. I normally don’t tell people what to do as making a decision to stay or leave is a personal choice that only you can make. In your case however, I feel compelled to advise you to contact your local domestic violence agency to ask for assistance in creating a safe exit strategy. Non lethal strangulations rank high on danger assessments as a strong predictor of domestic homicide. Please recognize the risk you are in. No matter what you have said or done does not justify physical assault or raging. You are in a very dangerous abusive relationship. You are your best advocate and you must see your situation accurately. If you don’t feel emotionally strong enough to make a decision right now please take our on-line prerecorded course Finding Clarity….The course is only four modules long with a one to two-hour recorded session with me. It will give you a comprehensive education regarding the nuances of your relationship. It’s critically important that you be educating yourself right now. You need to love yourself and care well for yourself. No matter how you respond to violence, you are not to blame. Anyone would react to the experiences you’ve shared. You are being put into a life or death situation repeatedly. Your mind and body are regularly being traumatized which puts you in a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response that is involuntary. Please please take our course and reach out to a DV agency for help. I also encourage you to report your experiences to law enforcement and immediately obtain a restraining order. It will tip the balance in your favor so you can receive support from law enforcement and the courts. Please listen to what I’m telling you. Love, Annette
The article merits some thinking and provides a good perspective, however I do believe such identification between abuse and reactive defense is more nuanced than a cut off line such as listed in the article. Take my personal example, so you are basically saying that because I always remain in control of my temper to not lose it in front of my ex. I was somehow the abuser in the relationship because she seems to have and exhibit less control of her emotions than I do over my emotions?
As she is always the one doing the belittling, insults, and threats, and I have never shown any aggressive or belittling behavior towards her, but she would accuse me of controlling her (the only form I could think of is when I tried to get her to take care of her health more) or ignoring and not taking care of her feelings, after her each violent outburst as she "explains" the reason for her abuse. (Thus is she more introspective than me as she would apologize and I am never introspective in that sense because I do not deem myself the abuser? Again judging by your logic she exhibits more of a trait of a victim and me of an abuser?)
For example, there was a period when I constantly worry about her being in real danger as she repeatedly showed suicidal tendencies, one night she sat on the window of her 20th floor apartment, took and picture and send it to me, and tells me in all seriousness that she will jump off. When I was unable to contact her afterwards, I called the police to try to ensure she is ok, when she found out I called the police, she went into a frenzy, throwing insults at me, calling me a whore, a bitch, amount other nasty things, saying she hopes that I would be gang raped and drugged. Threatening to come kill me and kill my entire family. She later apologized, but not before first accusing me of not consulting her before I called the police (which I couldn't because I couldn't contact her after she sent me the photo), not having her reputation in mind, and not cancelling the 911 call (which I did after I made sure she was safe), it was only after I was forced to apologize she then apologized for her overreaction.
This seems to be a pattern while we were together, she would always explain her violent and hurtful outburst as "she's not being herself and in a state of trauma" so my question to you I guess is, does is have to be so clear cut? Does the abuser definitely have to have a "deliberately controlling and manipulative mindset" for the abuse to happen and be validated as abuse instead of being blamed onto the other person? Don't we have to take the scale into mind instead of calling overreactions merely involuntary and justified (Because regardless of how involuntary and not in her right mind she explained she was at those times, I still felt deeply hurt by those actions)
Hi Monica. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I can’t possibly know the nuances of your relationship. If, for example, you are engaging in stonewalling, deflection or chronic defensiveness, your partner is likely to become very frustrated and traumatized leading to Reactive Defense. If you are open-hearted and open-minded when she brings you a reasonable complaint, concern or hurt, then you are self-reflective in that you are showing her empathy and making necessary changes. If you are defensive and aim to over-power the conversation or narrative then she will develop trauma from the pattern of behaviors you’re demonstrating. If her behavior has nothing to do with your behavior, she may have unresolved child-hood trauma that is bleeding onto you. Reactive Defense or Reactive Abuse are terms meant to explain behaviors but it’s not a blanket excuse. In other words, law enforcement will not recognize these terms or consider these behaviors anyone’s fault than the person portraying the behavior. The explanation is meant to describe what happens to victims who have experienced ongoing and repeating trauma. All that said, you can see that I cannot possibly understand the nuances you two are dealing with. Hopefully this added explanation answered your questions. If not, please feel free to email me at [email protected]. I’d be happy to answer additional questions you may have. Before I close, I want to clarify that if you are not being abusive you are experiencing abuse. Sometimes people with PTSD from prior or unresolved trauma act out in ways that are hurtful or abusive. Please take good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
thank you so much for this article. it was very insightful. I have been the victim in many abusive relationships. none of which have been abusive physically. for that I am grateful. doesn't mean that every once in awhile things did not get violent they did, but it was usually because I was the person who hit first, ergo according to the law I had to go to jail for domestic violence, confused bleeding, but feeling so guilty and ashamed because I did hit first. but this article is the perfect description of what reactive abuse is I didn't know there was a name for it, I just knew what I had been dealing with for so long and then all of a sudden bam, I'm punching or slapping or screaming or throwing things which is against my nature but was enough to peg me as the crazy one every time. I enjoyed reading this. thank you
Hi Courtney,
I’m glad you found the article helpful. Please get help for your trauma. The article explains what is happening to you but it’s not a viable excuse in court situations. It’s critical that you learn how to detach emotionally from your offender and to learn how to regulate your emotions when you’re in a trigger. If you don’t focus diligently on overcoming Reactive Abuse or Reactive Defense, you will continue to be wrongly judged and even labeled the offender. It’s not an accurate picture of your overall situation and I’d hate to see you continue to be blamed. Take good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
I just sort of stumbled over this article. I don't know if it was kind of brought to me as a sign or what. but I believe you're completely describing what I'm dealing with actually from two separate people, my own father and my fiance of 9 years. My father is just a miserable person and when things aren't going right for him I'm the one at the brunt of his verbal abuses. And so is my 16-year-old daughter. as for my fiance I think it's more manipulation and verbal abuse and then I have reactive abuse. some of the things he says and accuses me of and then he just keeps at it repeating things and giving different scenarios of things that I supposedly do or have done that he thinks that I have anyway. It just drives me insane. And then I start freaking out yelling at him I have hit him twice and another time he pulled my phone from my hand and I just went off his face was all scratched up. he says I'm psychotic and crazy and that's why I'm on meds and seeing a psychiatrist. I have had medications increased by my psychiatrist because I feel like I'm the reason why I have all these anger outbursts at him when he does these things. This article totally clarified so many things that are happening in this relationship that I couldn't fully understand. I will definitely be talking to my psychiatrist and seeking some counseling to try to overcome this and leave this relationship. it's just I keep telling myself we have so many good days or times and memories, he can be the sweetest caring guy but with a flip of a light switch He's like evil. He's like Jekyll and Hyde, day and night. I keep thinking things will get better maybe if we move in together but after reading this article I no longer believe that. and what really makes things worse is that my father is the only family I have left besides my children and then my fiance. he even pretty much manipulated his mom and believing things about me and now she doesn't want me coming around the house. And I believe this is all because I used to side with her because he treats her terrible and he wanted me out of that picture so he can keep walking all over her without my interruptions. And as I put all this into words it's just making more sense how he is an abuser. And I am being abused. I have never thought of it this way. I just thought he was controlling and manipulative which I know is still a type of abuse but I didn't take it as serious as what it really is. I definitely want to check out the mend project. I'm really hoping it can help me get out of this or build me up to be strong enough to end everything with him. but my secondary issue besides the guilt and the hurt that I don't want to go through, is that I am not financially set to either leave my father's house and go on my own which would mean that he would have to live with me and my daughter to help pay bills. If I walk away from both of them right now my daughter and I would both be homeless and I feel it would just make situations worse. it's almost a lose-lose situation no matter which way I go even though emotionally I would be winning and so would my daughter. My problem is prioritizing our mental and physical health. I have come to believe that the reason I do not prioritize these things is because of the way he has me so broken down. I have never put all of this into words before and now that I am, I'm really starting to realize a lot. I'm going to do my best now for myself and my daughter and try to be strong and I'm going to follow through with the mend project and speak with my current psychiatrist because he is not aware of what I'm dealing with. actually neither was I until I read this article. So this might actually really be a good breakthrough for me that I have needed for a long time. Thank you so much for your article and recommendations.
Hi Sheena, thank you for your comment. I’m so glad the article brought you some clarity. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing. I recommend that you take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity…..It will give you a comprehensive education on the nuances of your relationships. I think it is very wise to break the engagement. It will be one less abusive person in your life and I feel it’s critically important that your daughter sees your strength and self-love by you leaving. If you cannot leave your father right now, maybe you can start a second job and socking money away so you can break free. Please take really good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
nailed it
Thank you! Big hugs, Annette
this is the best article on the complete cause and effect of years of emotional abuse and how it creates unhealthy relationships and the ignorance of shaming and pretending that self esteem and self love are not important and acceptance of individuals unique differences…
Hi Christine,
Thank you for your comment. Yes, self-love, autonomy and individuality are essential for a healthy relationship. Abuse strips you of your personal identity as the offender defines, wrongly, who you are, who you should be and over-powers your freedom. Take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
I dont know who i can speak to or trust anymore. I feel like everyone wants me out of their lifes. I dont make sense and i just think everyone is talking about me. No one wants to be around me and everyone likes my husband because hes calm and intelligent and keeps himself together. I feel like maybe i do act irrationally and im emotional and cry all the time and try to cry to myself because im too ashamed of myself, i hate myself for being like this and not being normal. Every time i try to be myself and pick myself up and try to be in a good mood, here he comes telling me what i did wrong or starts nik picking at things i didnt do and the things i did do were done wrong just to try to demolish the lil small hope or joy i have managed so hard to push out of me. Idk id probably should have tried harder to do things correctly and maybe he would have been a good mood too and then both of us would have been happy for once, im always doing something wrong and i feel like im not trying hard enough, i know i lack at some things but i do try my best to make him happy. Hes loving at times and i just think hes not so loving because of the lack of love he had as a child and he doesn’t know how to express himself or even show emotion so i try to be patient with him alot but i get frustrated and start getting emotional and start crying yelling when i feel cornered then after he tells me he loves and that hes not holding me hostage that he just wants the best for me n tells me he knows its him and he understands if i want to leave, i stay and i try my best again and hope and pray that god can reach him but i dont know why i dont leave? Im confused and im not happy and im scared of what happens to me and i dont want to quit. I feel responsible for my whole decision in marrying him and this is something i have to live with it cause hes my responsibility and i feel like maybe god put me on his path to help him and i just have endure a little more. Every time he lost his vision of me and he did what he did and even though i felt like i was leaving i just kept telling him its okay its okay its okay. I keep reading all these articles and they seem to make sense but why are they not making sense to me why am i not comprehending any of them?
Thank you for sharing so honestly. I want you to know—you’re not alone in feeling what you are expressing. When someone chips away at your confidence, even in subtle ways, it’s incredibly confusing and undermining to your beliefs about your self-worth. It’s not that you’re not comprehending—it’s that your body and heart are working overtime just to survive what you’re experiencing. That fog, that self-blame—it’s a common response to emotional abuse. You probably have PTSD or complex PTSD. Please read about complex PTSD. It causes your thinking and communication to be fragmented. It’s very hard to concentrate on the things you should be prioritizing, such as what is best for YOU. God doesn’t want us to be a sacrificial lamb for another person. Your husband needs to do his work regardless of his upbringing. You need to shift your focus onto what is best for YOU to be able to show up well for yourself in life, friendships and so forth. You are highly stressed, and over functioning. You’re doing the emotional lifting for both you and your husband while he does little to improve the overall situation. This dynamic is not sustainable. You will begin to get physically compromised. Your autoimmune system will begin to fail, you may get headaches, stomach issues or other unexplained medical issues because stress hormones are pumping through your body constantly. If you would take our online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships I promise you it will bring you the clarity you need to stop the confusion and self-doubt. You are consumed with self-doubt and I want to see you transition to concrete confidence about your circumstances and an abundance of self-love and compassion for yourself. Of course your husband comes across to others in better emotional shape than you are. You are not beating down your husband’s self esteem and constantly criticizing him. He is not experiencing trauma but you are because of him, his faulty thinking and attitudes. If you take our course, which is only four modules long, you will receive the knowledge to change your internal thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your circumstances. Graduates of the course regularly report that the course changed their lives, saved them about a year of therapy and jump-started their healing journey. When you are in an emotionally abusive relationship the first step to healing is gaining knowledge. Knowledge is power. You have lost yourself and my hope for you is for you to find yourself again and feel empowered to make decisions that are best for your mind and body.
The hope and love you’re offering him are beautiful traits, but they shouldn’t cost you your sense of worth or emotional safety. You matter, your feelings are real, and it’s okay to begin putting yourself first. One thing you will learn in the course is about your husband’s motives for being abusive. He wants to power over and control you. That’s where he feels comfortable but it’s a toxic and destructive thinking pattern. Offenders operate from four pillars that drive abuse. The first is a sense of entitlement. He believes he is entitled to criticize you and order you around. Rules that apply to you he doesn’t believe apply to him. The second pillar is a faulty belief system. He has developed beliefs about the roles of husbands and wives that oppress you. And they way he thinks about relationships and communication are distorted and destructive. The third pillar is image management. He aims to have other people like him and see him in a positive lights while he behaves very differently behind closed doors. The fourth pillar is a low emotional IQ. He is uncomfortable with emotions, his and yours. He wants to win arguments and put you down rather than self-reflect on his behaviors and choices. You, on the other hand, are seeking emotional safety and a deeper emotional connection. Your desires are healthy and his are destructive. You are both operating out of entirely different playbooks and each of you are not recognizing the opposing differences. We’re so glad you found us. Keep reading, keep reaching out—you deserve clarity, to feel loved, support and not confusion. Once you take the course you will learn ways to improve your relationships with others, how to settle your nervous system, and think accurately about your circumstances. Right now you are experiencing cognitive dissonance. You don’t have an accurate view of things. You are blaming yourself when you should be praising yourself for how well you show up. Your reactions, crying, yelling and so forth is a trauma response that is difficult to control. But the course will help you so much in numerous ways. Stay in touch and please take really good care of yourself.
Te his is by far the best I read about my situation , unfortunately if you don’t get the help you need you will ending doing the same mistake in your new relationships
I try my best to understand why is happening to me , why I allow this happen to me …
Traumas with our help is a repairing cicle …
Thank you for your honesty. You’re so right—without healing, those old wounds can quietly follow us into new relationships. But the fact that you’re reflecting, seeking understanding, and reading about your experience—that’s already a powerful step toward breaking the cycle. It’s not your fault this happened to you, and you’re not alone in wondering why. Please take our online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will empower you will knowledge and jump-start your healing journey. Healing is possible, and you’re already walking toward it. Keep going. Big hugs, Annette
I find this so insightful coming out of an 11 year relationship of total and complete chaos and this sums up my situation and gave me the reassurance I need to feel that my situation wasn't my fault it's also a point to note that not all victims to this aren't female, I myself am a 35 year old male coming from an abusive upbringing from a emotionally and verbally violent mother and a narcissist stepmother and a father not willing to address issue in front of his very eyes, my partner that I made aware of my past subjected me to constant verbal abuse when still and whilst made aware of my past traumas and would push poke and prod in every Imaginable way to provoke responses that I myself am not and have never been proud of and consistently sought help because I was made to feel and was projected to be an abusive partner when in reality this was happening and my instincts proved to be correct
Thank you for giving clarity in a way that further relays to me that this is real thing
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes immense courage to speak the truth, especially after years of being made to question your reality. What you’ve described is all too common—and your instincts were right. Being provoked, reacting out of your normal character, then being blamed by others, is a devastating pattern we call Double Abuse®, and it’s not limited by gender. You deserved support and care, not manipulation and confusion. I’m so glad this brought you some clarity—you’re not alone, and your healing matters deeply. Please take really good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
lost my entire support system and friendgroup thanks to them siding with my ex who was absolutely causing me to experience a lot of this with reactive defense so this was both very refreshing and very put together but also honestly made me bawl my eyes out with how much it made me process
I’m so sorry you went through that. Losing your support system on top of the abuse is heartbreaking and deeply disorienting. I’m grateful this brought you some clarity, even through the tears. Reactive defense is such a misunderstood response—but your reaction was human and valid. You deserved to be believed and supported. Please let those people who do not support you go. Shrink your circle of friends to only include those you can trust. You need support and compassion, even from yourself. I hope this helps you reclaim some of that lost truth. You’re not alone anymore. Please love yourself and take really good care of yourself. Love, Annette
I met a woman who told me she had no friends, I took her her to my local pub where I knew everyone and introduced her to the community, after a couple of weeks and her behaving like what can only be described as a sex pest to all the men, and me having to intervene, we fell out, she continued to come to my local venue with another woman and they proceeded to laugh at me and taunt me whenever I was in their area of the pub. She spread rumours about me. After 4.5 months of this behaviour towards me I told her off, telling her to stop it, she told me " no no, this is all in your head" I got really angry and told her to stay the f!!!k away from me, I got asked to leave the pub, she then reported me to the police, saying I had threatened her, and that I was on " meth" I'm now facing criminal charges of " threats and intimidion " the police don't care about my side of events and when they spoke to me at my doorstep the next day I was confused and miserable. I can't find anything about reactive abuse in social situations only domestic relationship, but surely narcissist abuse cannot just be confined to domestic situations. I can't sleep anymore, I have headaches, I've completely withdrawn from my community, I have an AVPO on me and she continues to swear at me or stick her finger up at me if she sees me anywhere. This has now been going on for 13months. What do I do??? How can I defend this in court? The police don't care about me and my lawyer doesn't seem to understand I'm the victim, he's only looking at the current laws and my confused response on police body camera where when they asked if I threatened her I said " maybe"
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. What you’re describing is deeply distressing and isolating, and you’re right—emotional abuse and manipulation aren’t limited to romantic relationships. The confusion you’re feeling, the physical symptoms, the sense of injustice—all of that is a common impact of being targeted and then blamed. It’s no wonder you’re struggling to make sense of it. Narcissistic abuse is confusing to most. She is willing to lie and you were more than willing to take responsibility for your part. Law enforcement and attorneys often misjudge situations when this plays out. If what you are describing is accurate, you didn’t threaten her. You got angry which is perfectly appropriate for how she’s been slandering and harassing you. I’m sad that you’re isolating. You need to experience support from people who are safe. If you have friends at your pub who know your true self, that you aren’t responsible and that she is ‘crazy’ making, I encourage you to stay connected to them. For those who don’t support you, keep them at arms length. What you’ve been through is traumatizing. Trauma leads to confusion and trauma leads to uncharacteristic reactions. I think you would really benefit from our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. Clarity overcomes confusion. Knowledge is power. You need to heal and find yourself again, your self-confidence and self-worth. The course will help you jump-start your healing journey. It’s only $59.00 and four modules. You deserve to be seen and heard fully. I hope you can find a legal advocate who will listen and understand that you’ve been harrassed for months by this woman. You reacted once and you didn’t actually threaten her. I would recommend that you explain to your attorney using the terms of harrassment and slander. You simply told her to stay away from you. But you’re a good person, so you were willing to tell law enforcement that you might have seemed threatening. That doesn’t mean that you actually threatened her. You were taking on more responsibility than was actually yours to take. That’s what empathic and good people do. Now it’s time to advocate for yourself. And reframe the narrative. Please feel free to email us at [email protected] if you have any further questions. In the meantime, please take gentle care of yourself. Your pain is real, and your story matters. Big hugs, Annette
Thank you for this article, it helps somewhat as I still try to come to grips with my long term relationship which ended nearly five years ago but that I still struggle with to this day. And I am still seeking clarity into whether perhaps I really was the abuser.
When I first met my ex husband I was head over heels. He was charming, lavished me with gifts (which I always helped pay for in the end) and seemed to have me on a pedestal. It made me very uncomfortable. But as I said, I was head over heels. At the time we met, I had a very good job, owned my own home, had an amazing support system of long time friends and family. My husband was continually unemployment, estranged from family and had what I thought were superficial friendships.
A few months into our relationship he started to isolate me from my family and friends. He claimed they “took me away” from him and he just didn’t like them. He also attempted to sabotage my job (which he succeeded in doing after I allowed him into that part of my life. It’s a whopper of a story). A few years in he finally got a good job but it required moving out of state. I went because my career was essentially down the gutter. He moved from job to job, always complaining that someone was abusive to him, which forced us to move from state to state, chasing his new jobs. This was difficult for me, after adjusting and finally settling in, to leave behind new found friendships and new jobs I had landed. I cried each time we moved. We rarely stayed more than two years in one place and I was always left to sell and pack up (the homes that I bought (he had a bankruptcy and always had debt, I was always a saver).. While I was packing up he was at our new destination and apparently enjoying new “friendships” in my absence. When I finally arrived at our new destination he was typically gone for days at a time “for the job”. It was exhausting and I felt more and more alone every day. When we were together I just felt numb and distant. Had a hard time sharing the same space and often just went to the guestroom to be alone.I also became what he called a nag after becoming frustrated with his disregard for even the basic courtesy of cleaning up after himself.
Fast forward to the pandemic, another new job. But this time no travel. I was excited and working hard through therapy to get out of my self isolation and to give him a lot of grace for our differences in many things. I truly wanted to be a better wife. While I was growing in therapy he, as it turned out, was growing close to one of our neighbors. He and she became inseparable “friends” and our relationship became secondary. And then came the gaslighting, the lying, and a whole lot of confusion on my part as to what was going on. My attempt to discuss how I was feeling about the situation were answered with “you are so jealous, paranoid, crazy, confused, crazy again, control freak, get over it, I’m not going to let you stand between me and my new friend, etc, etc, etc.” He began telling mutual friends that I was having a mental break from reality and he didn’t know if he was skilled to handle it. My friends called to let me know this was what he was sharing with them.
Needless to say, after a particularly hurtful event that happened behind my back (literally right behind my back caught on our ring camera), I asked for a divorce, But not before I screamed, and swore, and raged. Behaviors I never knew I was capable of. He, on the other hand remained calm and cool, even as he told me he was done with me years ago. And he left and moved in two houses down with his friend. And he called friends to announce he was forced to leave because I was abusive, had always been abusive to him, and because I was mentally unstable. And that broke my heart. And on the final day in our house, after I had for the last time prepared the house for sale and packed up everything exhausted and deeply depressed (he had me sell it quickly so he could get his share of the proceeds from the sale) he sent me a note with the last words I ever heard from him…”you are a terrible human being, you are abusive, everybody knows you abused me, nobody has ever liked you, they only tolerated you because you were my wife, you wasted 20 years of my life”. And that was it. That’s all I had left, that note.
And here I am, almost five years later, despite therapy, unable to shake the thought that maybe I was the abuser. And afraid I might inflict that abuse on someone else.
Sigh. That was long winded.
Thank you for sharing your heart—it’s not long-winded. It’s layered. Abusive relationships can be complicated. What you described is exactly why we created the Maze of Confusion—because when abuse is covert, it’s designed to leave you questioning your reality, your worth, and even your sanity. The Maze of Confusion is a visual methhaphore for a conversation. Conversing with a covert narcissist is crazy making. The offender throws you so many defensive deflections and stonewalling curveballs rather than authentically communicating in a way that can lead to solutions, that often times survivors say they can’t even remember what started the argument in the first place. Additionally, abusers often stay calm while provoking strong emotional responses from the victim, then they weaponize those reactions to label the victim as “unstable” or “abusive.” It’s a cruel distortion of the truth. You should know that most offenders play the victim and mischaracterize the true victim as the abuser. Notice the pattern with your ex. He even claims his former employers were abusive. This is what offenders do. They will say and do anything to avoid accountability and responsibility. He is unwilling to self-reflect. You, on the other hand, are so willing to self-reflect that you even take responsibility for things that are not your fault. He was a horrible husband. He was deceptive, irresponsible, abusive, unfaithful, and he blames everyone else, including you, for being the abusive one. You should also know that it is very common for victims of abuse to wonder if they were the actual offender. Unlike your ex, you are very willing to be held accountable and to take responsibility for things you may have done wrong, even to a fault. Please don’t allow his toxic words to rewrite your narrative or to redefine you. You were incredibly patient with him, forgiving, financially responsible, and you gave up friends and family to please his irratic employment and jealous needs. You were over functioning in the relationship doing the emotional lifting for two people while your ex didn’t do anything to make things more emotionally safe or healthy. You describe that you felt very alone, even when he was present in the home. It’s very common to feel that you are on your own in the relationship when your partner is abusive. Offenders don’t positively contribute to the relationship. They avoid emotional connection. The dominate and power over you which leaves you oppressed and isolated in your relationship. You mention he called you a “nag.” When victims of abuse, attempt to raise a reasonable complaint, concern or hurt, it’s a healthy attempt to authentically improve your relationship and find solutions to problems. Offenders are either unwilling or incapable of participating in conversations where mutual listening, mutual respect and a sincere expression of wanting to understand the victim’s perspective takes place. Instead, they are defensive, distort the truth, and label you a chronic complainer or “nag.” Your efforts to connect and improve the relationship are desperate attempts to connect with a person who doesn’t see you as an equal or worthy of your own opinions.
The fact that you’re still asking these questions, even after all you endured, speaks to your integrity—not guilt. Ask yourself this question, “Why do I feel my prior relationship is all I deserved?” Most victims are empaths and lack a sense of self-worth and self-love. Instead, many think things like, “I must be unloveable or maybe I don’t know how to communicate effectively, or maybe something is intrinsically wrong with me.” It could be very helpful to work with a therapist on what in your early childhood caused you to think less of yourself. Healing is a process, and your clarity is unfolding. I highly recommend that you take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will jump-start you forward on your healing journey and help you reframe your internal thoughts about yourself. Graduates regularly report that the course was life changing for them and saved them about a year of therapy. The course is only $59.00, which is much less than paying for numerous therapy sessions. The healing journey begins with education. Knowledge is power. The course will give you a comprehensive education regarding the nuances of your prior relationship.I’m so glad this article reached you. You’re not alone, and you’re not the person he tried to convince you that you were. If you have any further questions please feel free to reach out. Please take really good care of yourself. Warm hugs, Annette
Hello and thanks for all your help.Before I try to express this please forgive my clumsy communication attempts. Now, I got this all wrong. I thought the term reactive abuse referred to the abuser who reacts to the victims distress as the result of an attack. The abusers anger – reaction, seems to come from the victims distress, forcing the abusers accountability after an incident. A shame response that is blamed on the victims distress as the thing making the abuser feel unwanted emotions. So, this confusing expression must be changed. You recognise this but continue to use it throughout. Please do make the change. It's too important to allow this to continue. I already live in enough confusion. Thank you for your good work and all the help.
Thank you for expressing this so openly—your words aren’t clumsy at all. You’re absolutely right that the term ‘reactive abuse’ is deeply confusing, which is why at The MEND Project, we refer to it instead as reactive defense. It more accurately reflects what’s really happening: a survivor responding to chronic mistreatment and trauma, not the one with an abusive mindset who is initiating the harm. We did not invent the term ‘reactive abuse.’ It is used by many domestic violence professionals. We only use the term to draw people who use the term into the topic. We then explain that a more appropriate term would be ‘reactive defense.’
We continue to use the widely recognized term of ‘reactive abuse’ to help people searching for answers find us—but we always clarify and offer better language to reduce confusion, not add to it. I’m so grateful you brought this up. Your voice matters, and your clarity matters. You mention feeling confused. Confusion is a common feeling among victims/survivors. That’s why we use the statement, ‘Clarity is the first necessary step to healing.’ Clarity comes from education. Knowledge is power. Please take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It’s only $59.00 and four modules. It will give you a comprehensive education about the nuances in your relationship. It will help to calm your trauma symptoms and jump-start you on your healing journey. The course has a small amount of reading per each module with a one to two-hour recorded video session with me. Graduates of the course regularly report that it was life changing for them and saved them about a year of therapy. In the mean time, please take really good care of yourself. Love yourself. Learn your true worth. You deserve love and respect. Big hugs, Annette
Hi, wow, thanks for replying. I have a typing thing I realise now is a response to all the insanity.. It's not very sane of me either and my circumstances are worse now. All the local health and support community here in the Scottish Borders Town where I live are now the enablers of the narcissist. I'm isolated now and they provoke responses that appear to confirm the narrative. He has transferred the threat he feels on to the local health and support workers who now seem me as an enemy. It's the narcissists end game you see and he has my 'support', using their influence to do me financial harm. My family and everyone I ever come into contact with are controlled. Some it's perceptions only but those of more use to him have their options controlled so that the narcissists agenda is the only option left to them. I know it's expedience. I'm alone and it's easier for everyone that I be scapegoated. He's out of the manual and so obvious to me but there's nothing to do about it. I am sorry to go on like this. I haven't actually said a fraction of course. Thanks for your patience and kind reply.
You’re very welcome.
I have been in a abusive marriage since I have been married. I am a male that has done exactly what it shares reactive. Now my wife says she has never did any of these things, and is potraying me as the person to be the abuser. I finally starting speaking my truth and have been learning how to share my feelings without being reactive. Either way this article has been very helpful and I feel relieved that here is an answer I have been looking for for over 50 yrs. Thank You
Thank you for sharing your truth—it takes real strength to speak up, especially when you’ve been misrepresented and misunderstood. What you’re describing is exactly why we talk about reactive defense—because when someone is repeatedly powered over, dismissed, and traumatized those emotional responses aren’t abuse, they’re signs of distress. Please go to our website to our tools and resources page and look up our terms and definitions and The Maze of Confusion. It will bring you added clarity. Learning about reactive abuse or reactive defense is only the beginning to bring you understanding regarding your confusing and stressful relationship. Please consider taking our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. We say, clarity is the first necessary step to healing. Education provides clarity. Knowledge is power. The course is only $59.00 and four modules long. There is a little bit of reading in each module and a one to two-hour recorded session with me. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a years worth of therapy and jump-started their healing journey. Please do this for yourself. In the mean time, please take really good care of yourself. Love yourself more and understand your true value. I’m so glad this article brought you some relief after all these years. Your healing matters, and your voice deserves to be heard. Keep going—you’re not alone. You deserve love and respect. Warmly, Annette
I need some help, I don’t know what to do. I am far from a perfect person and I have been through some pretty traumatic things. I am sort of an impatient person and my wife knows exactly what to say, and how to say it to get me so fired up. There is nobody in this world that can get me this angry. She is constantly comparing me to her friend’s husband‘s and saying how I don’t give her anything allow her to remodel the kitchen or buy her the things that she wants. she’s unbelievably critical of everything that I do, and when I do make a mistake, she will announce it to anyone and everyone, especially in front of my children. For example, she was yelling at me one night. I tried to leave the room. She wouldn’t let me I begged and pleaded for her to let me take a break I said “if she loved or cared for me at all she would let me leave and cool down. She repeatedly said no, and criticized me and said that that’s what I do that. I’m not a man and I just run away from problems. She continued to criticize me and eventually, I pushed her onto the bed so I could leave the room. She then went out into the hall and screamed almost to announce it to my children as loud as you could that I was abusive and that I had hurt her. She screamed at me like I was a horrible monster she said that I was a horrible example and that I was the worst human ever and she was in unbelievable pain when all I did was push her onto to a bed. She is constantly criticizing me and telling me how I am so messed up and that I have major issues she is always judging and criticizing me for everything I do, telling me that I gaslight her and that I am basically horrible she is always reminding me. How lucky I am that she has stayed with me because I’m so messed up. She has never taken any kind of responsibility for anything and that I’m a horrible example to my kids and they’re all afraid of me and they hate me. I don’t know what to do, I have felt so badly about myself. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I have cut my own arm to punish me for being such a horrible husband and turn she highlights and tells me how mentally messed up I am.
I’m so sorry you’re walking through this. What you’re describing is heartbreaking, and I want you to know—you are not alone. When someone constantly tears you down, ignores your boundaries, exploits and exposes your vulnerabilities, and uses your pain against you, that’s relational dysfunction and emotional abuse—not a reflection of your value or true worth.
The fact that you’re reaching out and trying to understand what’s happening says so much about your strength. Please don’t carry this alone. You deserve support, safety, and clarity. A qualified trauma-informed therapist can help you begin to untangle this and start healing. Before you begin therapy, I highly recommend that you take our self paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. We use a statement often for victims of abuse. ‘Clarity is the first necessary step to healing.’ Education will bring you clarity. Knowledge is power. The course will teach you a lot about the nuances in your relationship, jump-start your healing journey, and save you about a year of therapy. The course is only $59.00 and four modules. Each module includes a little bit of reading and a one to two-hour recorded session with me. Graduates of the course regularly report that it changed their lives. You are not what she says you are—you’re someone who matters, and there is hope. In regards to when you pushed her on the bed, I understand your frustation. That said, please do not do anything like that again. You can be arrested for assault and labeled the abuser in your marriage by law enforcement. Being labeled an abuser can impact child custody decisions in court and make your relationships with outsiders very challenging. When you’re constantly being traumatized by your wife, it makes it very difficult to regulate your emotions and responses. When you request a time-out from a conflict, it’s a very healthy approach and boundary. The course I mentioned will help you learn how to disengage from these abusive circular conversation. Please take really good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
She walked away from me, and then when I tried to hold on to her, she feigned that I was hitting her. Two days of silence have ensued. I read your article slowly and in its entirety. I'm not sure who is the victim and who is the abuser?
Thank you for your honesty—it takes real courage to sit with such a confusing and painful question. On the one hand, when someone uses your attempt to connect as a way to frame you as violent, it can be incredibly disorienting. On the other hand, when you touch someone during a conflict you can be arrested for assault. In the future, please allow your partner to walk away. Use that time to take a break from the intensity, collect your thoughts so you can interface in a more calm manner. Abuse often isn’t black and white, and part of the harm is the confusion it creates. You mention that your partner feigned you were hitting her. This is very manipulative behavior. This behavior is important data for you to take in. She is capable of lying about what happened, even to law enforcement. It’s also important for you to realize how intimidating it can be when a man uses his physical strength to subdue a woman. It is a form of abuse when you restrict the movements of another person.
What matters most is the pattern: Is one person consistently using fear, shame, or blame to control the other? That’s where clarity begins. I’m glad you took time with the article—it’s okay to not have all the answers yet. I recommend that you take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It is only $59.00 and four modules. It will give you a comprehensive education about the nuances in your situation. We say clarity is the first necessary step to healing. Education creates clarity. Knowledge is power. Keep seeking. You deserve truth, and you’re not alone. Warmly, Annette
I've been physically and emotionally abused, manipulated, gaslighted, and threatened on a daily basis by my narcissistic husband. Some of the threats were he was going to kill himself if I didn't do what was asked, he would punch pillows or the sofa, stand up against me and yell at my face, stand behind the car and not let me leave. You have to pay careful attention to all of their every day activities, i wasted 15years Ignoring the Red Flags, and not Admitting these things Exist is truly not reality, We all question that sometimes because they gaslight us to believe that we were the problem. And regarding pointing out their errors or wrongs. Narcissists and their “type” absolutely can not stand to be told they are not perfect and they will never take responsibility for what they have done. I got a TELEGRAM link: https://t.me/prompttechrecovery which directed me to Newton who helped me clone into his device,This professional also got me text messages! call logs! emails, social media all clouds (Deleted and non deleted messages and they were accepted legally in court during my divorce and custody case.
Thank you for sharing your story—it’s heartbreaking and powerful. What you endured sounds terrifying, and I’m so sorry you lived through that kind of control and fear. The strength it takes to name the abuse, after years of gaslighting and isolation, is immense. You’re absolutely right—denial keeps us trapped, and seeing the truth is a vital first step to healing.
I’m so glad you found help to recover his personal communications so you could prove what you were dealing with. Thank you for sharing the link! Hang in there. Practice self-care. Love yourself well. Warmly, Annette
It has been many years since I was able to Divorce my very abusive husband. But I am still tormented by the trauma, I hear him beating me down, I hear the words he would say to me repeatedly. I feel him watching me in my daily life.
I function, no one knows this but I am absolutely tormented by all the abuse in my life.
I’m so sorry you’re still carrying this pain. What you’ve described is a deep trauma imprint—when the body and mind still hold the echoes of abuse long after it ends. That doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you survived something that was never meant to be endured.
Even if no one else sees it, your pain is real. You’re not broken, you’re hurting. Healing is still possible, even years later. Please consider taking our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. We have a phrase we use at MEND, “Clarity is the first necessary step to healing.” The course will give you knowledge about the nuances of your prior relationship as well as your thinking patterns that are keeping you stuck in trauma. You will gain strength and feel empowered. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of therapy and change their lives. It’s only $59.00 and four modules long. Each module requires about thirty minutes of reading and a one to two-hour recorded session with me. You are not alone in this. Please be proactive to take really good care of yourself. Connect with safe people. Get physically active. Do things that require creativity and spend time outdoors walking or simply noticing nature. When we stretch ourselves to do things that are good for us, our body produces endorphins, which counteracts the stress hormones pumping through our body. You will greatly benefit from the course and being proactive in your care. Big hugs, Annette
This was incredibly helpful to read. For years my wife avoids any responsibility, belittles my feelings even so far as to say things point blank like “your thoughts on that aren’t valid” (last fight) while calling me every name in the book if I show even a hint of frustration. Calm feedback to her? Can’t even do that without defensiveness and blame coming my way. It’s exhausting and I’m always wondering what I can do better to avoid the reactions I get from her. I always have to be the calm one cause if I show emotion she will triple it and the cursing, door slamming, blaming, belittling and everything else she does comes out. She comes from a highly abusive childhood and that’s a bummer – but I don’t know how long I can stay in this relationship. It’s been 7 years and 3 kids later with little change and maybe a handful of sincere apologies or true self reflection. I feel bad for my parts. I just don’t feel the sincerety from her when she angrily says “I’ll look out for it.” like that’s a heartfelt apology. (“It” being all the abusive behaviors). She does worry about her public image a lot which is strange to me cause she treats strangers with so much more empathy and kindness than I’ve ever seen come my way. I’ve lashed out a few times in ways that surprise me – raising my voice in a way I never have in 30+ years or punching a door. Not like me and I hate it. Then I feel bad and as a bonus I get called a failure, all sorts of curse words, and told I have problems and to get therapy. The onslaught is relentless at that point like she’s foaming at the mouth. And I have to stay calm during it. Sometimes this is in front of our little kids. Understanding what’s going on is very helpful. I’m just not sure what to do with 3 young kids involved that I love with my whole heart. Don’t want a broken family for them but also don’t want this. I don’t feel good around her. So…open to suggestions?
Thank you for being so honest. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. What you’ve described is incredibly painful, and unfortunately, far too familiar for many. When your emotions are constantly invalidated, when you’re punished for even calm feedback, your wife is sabotaging the relationship, which creates a cycle that wears down your sense of self. That’s not just tension, it’s emotional abuse. And when children are exposed to these dynamics, the impact reaches even deeper. Children in the developmental stages of life are harmed by trauma and discord in the home. These dynamics negatively impair their brain development in serious ways that can impact them for the rest of their lives. You say you at times react in ways that surprise you. Please read our blog article and look at our YouTube video on Reactive Abuse or Reactive Defense. Your reactions to emotional abuse are an involuntary trauma response. Please be very careful. While I understand completely why after extreme frustration you react, if you punch a wall or break something and your wife calls the police, you will be labeled in court records as the abusive one. That will negatively impact you in custody matters. Abusive people will lie to the police to ensure the blame lands on the victim. I’ve seen it too many times. What would be better to do, is to distance yourself emotionally from your wife. Try not to engage in ‘crazy-making’ conversations that lead to no solutions. Don’t bring your vulnerabilities to her either. Disengage emotionally. When she starts an argument, you might simply state, “I don’t agree with your perspective or I’m not going to continue in this destructive conversation.” Then walk away. I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing or Abusive Relationships. The course will provide you with a comprehensive education and provide you with much improved clarity and strength. Knowledge is power. Graduates regularly report that the course changed their lives and their view of themselves while jump-starting their healing journey. It’s only $57.00 and four modules in length. Each module requires about one hour of reading and a two-hour recorded session with me. I would also check out the website Coercive Control Consulting to learn about how covert abusers negatively impact their children and how you can demonstrate to law enforcement and court personnel that you are the protective parent. Be wise and check it out. She also has a podcast. Please take real good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
This article has been a relief in a world which has no mention of how continuous trauma and abuse makes victims react similarly, though involuntarily.
I have a question though, while going through such cycles myself n not being able to break free despite guilt, should such a victim say in such a marriage/relationship? Or will they not be able to heal?
I started off taking abuse thinking I was at fault, or maybe I can help my partner . However over the years seeing no self accountability on their part, I started reacting and now have so much self guilt and confusion .I know and he knows I am not this person. However, so far I am not able to heal. What's the path to healing while staying in this marriage or is there not?
Thank you for sharing this so openly. What you’re feeling, the guilt, the confusion, the grief over who you’ve become in response to the abuse, is heartbreakingly common. And you’re right: no one talks enough about how trauma changes our behavior in ways we never imagined.
Healing while still in the relationship can be incredibly difficult—especially if your partner refuses accountability. Real healing requires safety, clarity, and consistency. If those aren’t present, it’s not a failure to consider stepping away. It’s self-preservation and efforts to seek a whole and beautiful life you so deserve. It is nearly impossible to heal while you are experiencing recurring trauma, lack of empathy, no validation and where the offender takes no sincere responsibility for his actions. Your health and happiness is more important than the institution of marriage. You are not living in a true marriage in the sense that it is safe, loving and healthy.
You are not the person the abuse tried to turn you into. That version of you isn’t the whole story. The fact that you’re asking these questions shows your heart is still intact—and that’s a powerful place to begin. You deserve peace, and whatever path you choose, you don’t have to walk it alone. Please consider taking our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. The course is only $59.00 and consists of four modules. Each module has about thirty minutes of reading and a two-hour recorded session with me. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy and changed their lives. It will re-shape your internal thoughts about yourself and bring you much needed clarity to dismantle your confusion. You might also benefit from listening to one of the more recent podcasts of Flying Free where Natalie Hoffman speaks about differences between separation and divorce. Please take real good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
I have lived with and completely taken care of a lady whose son is autistic that I used to take care of I had to have him removed from the home she was abusive to him and I didn't realize that she was a covert narcissist and abusing me because I was raised by one I first lashed out on her I felt really bad I felt like I lost control and I shared with her some intimate details about my childhood but she felt against me and purposely triggers me today I came home from Day store and it was very stressful and I came in and I said I was stressed out could you please leave me alone. and let me calm down somebody to take things out of her and she continued to use that in her advantage to push all my buttons and trigger me on purpose and when I did lash out she stood there and smirked which caused my brain to make my hand reach up and punch her after I'd warned her several today I decided this is the end this is happening before she doesn't on purpose I now just read this article and realize what it is she is looking for and when she calls me to read act like that what's this way when I first started working for a 7 years ago I was driving her late husband's Jeep and I had my own insurance on it cuz I didn't live here in our house and one day I came to work and she tried to have me arrested for stealing the Jeep in which the neighbor tell them I didn't but her son needed me so I came back to work and once he was trying to foster care I tried to help her cuz I thought maybe she just needed somebody but through the last 3 years I realized that she's a cohort narcissist just like my mother it was very abusive alcoholic narcissist I have childhood trauma she makes it so I am paralyzed in fact I can't even leave out of the house and make it on time for appointments she tells everybody that I'm bipolar and I freak out and I just smashed out and beat the s*** out of work and I went on a ramp for no reason and beat the s*** out of work now she is on the statewide abuse registry for child neglect abuse and endangerment of an autistic disabled child I'm not on a these registry I don't have any abuse charges I've never been abusive.I need to get away from her I've missed three disability appointments for SSDI because she has either flattened my tires and my keys please don't like she doesn't do it she's really going to play in the victim she's 63 and everybody thinks she's innocent with us trying to see if she's not.. I think I'm going to press charges on her for abuse against the disabled person myself because I'm bipolar one ADHD and autistic myself and I just need to get away I need to know where this is safe house or someplace I can go besides a homeless shelter to get the freak out of here I've had four jobs and last 3 years because she gets them so stressed out when it's time to go to work that I can't go to work at the condition that she makes me she's literally used everything against me that I told her she is with him off for tools and I just sometimes I just want to stab her eyeballs out I don't but I do I want to kill her I'm not going to you but I want to she makes me that enraged she does it on purpose I will leave her room sit some down leave the room come back in the first thing I just sat down will be gone because she's moved it I sell things online and I've went to feel my orders and she's taking that item. I hate to do it but I'm probably going to file a stay away order in her own house I pay for everything and I own everything that was just in her name.. I feel helpless and trapped.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What you’re describing is incredibly painful and dangerous, and no one deserves to be treated this way, especially not when you’ve already survived so much. When someone weaponizes your trauma, triggers you on purpose, and twists the truth to isolate and discredit you, that’s emotional and psychological abuse.
You are not the problem. You’re someone who has tried to help, who’s lived with pain and confusion for too long, and who deserves safety and peace. If you’re feeling trapped, overwhelmed, or afraid of what might happen next, please don’t carry this alone. Reaching out to a local domestic violence shelter or mental health crisis line, even just to talk, can be a life-changing first step. There are safe places that can help you rebuild. PLEASE be careful of your reactions. They are involuntary trauma responses so it’s understandable but authorities will not accept trauma reactions and excuse them. She sounds like the type of person who will lie to authorities to frame you as the abuser. You don’t want that to happen. You might want to plant a camera on your car so you can capture her breaking the law and follow it up with calling the police. If she is mischaracterizing you, you can tell people she is listed on an abuse registry for child abuse. It sounds like you need to find a place where you can rent a room or a full service homeless shelter that will allow you to stay there for an extended period of time so you can begin to regulate your emotions and get back on your feet. A full service shelter can also help you find employment. You matter. You are not what she says you are. And there is still time to reclaim your life and your healing. Please take the next step toward safety, you’re not alone. Please take real good care of yourself. Warm hugs, Annette
Maybe you should call it reactive self-defense! My former, verbally and emotionally degraded and ridiculed me ever since our wedding day when he criticized my dress & hair. He also did really twisted and evil things that I do not even want to mention except one or two that I will say. He threatened to kill my pets and tried to kill my fish in the tank one day. He said that the neighbors dog was gone because he shot it with a beebee gun & it got infected and died. One day I lost it because of something he said/did and only pretended to choke him. He glared at me & I was really afraid. Many years later he started physically abusing me and said it was my fault because of the time I pretended to choke him. I had never reacted to him in any other way again but the belittlement continued and he back-handed me one day and choked me for real. I walked around on pins and needles all the time trying to make him happy and not doing anything wrong. He would get mad over silly things that didn't really matter. Women, get out while you can. Don't keep hanging around hoping things will get better. Usually they just get worse. You deserve better. Your life has value. It's better to live alone and be free, than to be constantly oppressed & abused. I never regretted a day after I left regardless of any trials. God has taken care of me and my son.
Hi Brenda, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. I’m very proud of you for getting out while you were still alive. Choking, or more accurately state, strangulation is one of the most serious predictors of domestic homicide. Thank you for offering words of encouragement to other readers. Warmly, Annette
I started sobbing and balling my eyes out reading this. I'm literally reading my life here. I have no fught left in me. I want so badly to run far away from everyone and everything. thank you for this article. I mentally cannot handle one more person exploiting my uncontrollable need to protect and defend myself to make me look act and sound crazy and unstable. no one else has ever protected me or defended me from the life-long trauma I've endured that has given birth to this self defense tool that seems encrypted in my DNA. thank you.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to carry so much alone. Your words are powerful and heartbreaking and I want you to know: you make sense. That deep urge to defend yourself is not weakness or instability. It’s the wisdom of your nervous system trying to protect you after a lifetime of pain.
I hear the exhaustion in your voice. Please don’t give up. There is still hope. You are not too much. You are not alone. And you are worthy of peace.
I would love to see you take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will jump-start your healing journey, deliver a comprehensive education about the nuances of your situation and empower you. Graduates regularly report that the course has changed their lives and saved them about one year of traditional therapy. Please take the course as it will begin to calm your trauma symptoms and reduce your reactions. Please take this seriously. Reacting in ways that frames you as unstable can get you into trouble with law enforcement. Reacting rather than controlled responses causes others to mischaracterize you, which is also traumatizing. The course will help to change your internal thoughts and ability to self-regulate your emotions. It’s only $57.00 and four modules in length. Each module requires about 45 minutes of reading plus a two-hour recorded session with me. Please take really good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
This really helped me. I am a victim of rape by my partner and he manipulated me into telling the courts I told him to do it. He got out of jail and it's not been the same since. This man tries to hurt my feelings everyday and I need help trying to recognize behavior and understand how to get out of this situation and make him accountable for all his doings
I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured. What you’ve shared is heartbreaking, and it’s abuse in its most violating, manipulative form. None of it is your fault. When someone twists your words, uses the system against you, and continues to harm you emotionally, it’s a clear pattern of control and cruelty. I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing or Abusive Relationships. The course is only $57.00 and consists of four modules. Each module has about thirty minutes of reading and a two-hour recorded session with me. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy and changed their lives. It will re-shape your internal thoughts about yourself and bring you much needed clarity to dismantle your confusion. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing. Clarity is found through education. Knowledge is power.
You deserve safety. You deserve support. And you deserve to begin healing in a space where you’re believed. A domestic violence organization can help you make a plan to protect yourself and make an exit plan.
You might also find it helpful to begin journaling and keeping your journal in a secret place. Simply write down the facts. Then later go back and read what you wrote. The patterns of abusive behaviors will begin to jump out at you helping you to see the methods your partner uses. Confusion will be countered with clarity. Please take real good care of yourself. Warm hugs, Annette
Wonderful Article
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your kind words, I’m glad you liked the article. Love, Annette
This has been extremely validating and enlightening. I had no idea that physical ailments could possibly be a result of prolonged trauma. I’m curious if there is a correlation between individuals who experienced abuse as a child and the likelihood of them experiencing an abusive relationship as an adult.
Thank you for your comment and question. Yes, prolonged trauma and the chronic stress it produces in your body impacts you both mentally and physically. Abuse is toxic. Recurring stress that rarely subsides is toxic. You can check out the ACE’s study for more information. Many who have been abused in childhood develop a low sense of self-worth. They think things about themselves that were programmed during the developmental stages of early life. When our internal thoughts about ourselves lack confidence in our ability to properly discern character qualities in others, lack personal boundaries and lack love for ourselves we are prime targets for narcissists or abusers. They prey on individuals who are more easily manipulated. Please take our survivor course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will provide you with a valuable education regarding the nuances of your circumstances, bring you clarity and jump-start your healing journey. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy. Do this for yourself. I promise it will help you. If you have abuse in your childhood background, I also recommend you read The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. It directly addresses the issue of why you find yourself in another abusive relationship after childhood emotional and/or physical abuse. It’s a great read. Take real good care of your mental and physical health. You deserve it. You are lovable and you are worthy of love and respect. XO-Annette
Thank you so much! I've never seen this explained so clearly.
You’re so welcome, I’m glad it was helpful to you!
Such an eye-opening and compassionate breakdown of reactive abuse! You’ve really helped unpack how it often gets misunderstood and the slippery cycle it creates. I appreciate the clarity and resources you’ve shared, it’s a much-needed conversation.
Thank you for your kind words, I’m glad it was helpful to you!
Former reeve's trial postponed
Former reeve and councillor of McMurrich/Montheith Town-ship, 56-year-old – John McAughey, will have to wait two more months for his trial.
McAughey is accused of sexually assaulting a young girl last July in Sprucedale. His trial had been scheduled to proceed Thursday in Burk's Falls court.
Crown attorney Kenrick Abbott, however, put forward an
application to have the trial postponed. He told court that a 14-year-old girl, a key witness to the crown's case against McAugh-ey was absent.
Through an aunt, the witness had been served with a subpoena in the spring to appear in court to testify. She has since relocated to Newfoundland.
McAughey's lawyer, Jim Anderson, initially opposed the appli-cation. But following a conference with Justice Joseph Wilson and Abbott, Anderson decided to drop his opposition.
Justice Wilson agreed to Abbott’s application and re-set the
trial for November 9 in Parry Sound court. There was no indica-tion provided as to the crown's chances of having the teenage witness return for the new trial date.
It’s so hard when the victim is a minor. Their brain and coping skills are not fully developed. Facing an adult abuser in court can be highly traumatic. I hope she’s okay. Warmly, Annette
I just experienced an episode. I was so ashamed of my outburst spiralled into self harm ideation, hunkering down to fight the urge and started to browse to seek solace and understanding of my behaviour intersected your website. it just sung to me and reassured my self determination not to be an abuser to lead a life valuing empathy as a pathway. Thankyou
Thank you for your honesty and courage. I’m so sorry you experienced that spiral, but in the midst of it, you chose to seek understanding and hold onto empathy. That’s the heart of someone who cares deeply and is trying to heal. Please keep holding on to that self-determination. You are not alone, and there is strength in simply reaching for clarity. I’m so glad you found us. All that said, you may be being treated unkindly on a recurring basis. Maltreatment is trauma inducing. If you are in a destructive relationship, you have no reason to feel ashamed. The fight, flight, freeze and appease responses are involuntary when a trauma victim is triggered. It’s your body’s way of protecting you. Please look deeper into your relationship. You don’t want to display empathy toward someone who is abusing you emotionally, physically or in any other way. You need to be firm about not engaging in crazy making conversations where the abuser accepts no responsibility for their actions. Caring well for YOURSELF is much more important than showing empathy to someone who is harmful or confusing. Please remember that. Big hugs, Annette
After months of gaslighting, accusations, future faking emotional abuse, where I tried to end the relationship 100 times I finally caught him cheating and broke a chair And yelled at him to come outside and tell me to my face. He told One of his secret girlfriends about it, and she called the cops. I went to jail and and now on probation and have to attend domestic violence classes for months and months On top of pain over $7000 in fees. On top of trying heal from that situation, I am now being picked apart by the state and won’t get out of this energy field for another six months to a year.
He told people things about me that were completely false and hurt me in so many ways. Knowing I have integrity and I’m not the person he is telling people that I am only makes me feel OK for brief moments. He pulled and pulled and pulled on me to get me into a relationship with him, and whenever there was shady behavior and verbal and congruencies and I tried to have , he me of looking for other people. He said so many things about how amazing I am and how he could never understand why my ex cheated on me and then he said it’s easy to see why my ex cheated on me. Then tells me a day later that he wanted to marry me it’s just so messed up.
It’s been months and the pain just seems to be getting worse, and my trust in women is completely shattered As women are often knowing participants and vindictive. A cheater is bad and the women who participate are equally so. While I don’t have the heart to find someone else or even know what I would be looking for if I were to look. These kind of people destroy lives and the law doesn’t do a thing to them. The law doesn’t take into consideration what harm has been done or is being continued to be done by their system.
While I know what led up to me breaking the chair, it doesn’t matter the eyes of the law, and I find that to be so atrocious and hurtful. It similarly reinforces the abusive pattern Of keeping someone in an ongoing stressful situation while not addressing the real cause.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve endured. So many survivors carry this same weight: punished for a reaction, while the root cause goes unacknowledged. It’s not fair. But your ability to see through the chaos, to speak the truth about what happened, shows your strength and integrity. Please hold onto that.
You are not who they say you are. And this season will not define the rest of your life. You still deserve peace, trust, and love, especially from yourself. Please take our survivor course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will provide you with a valuable education regarding the nuances of your circumstances, bring you clarity and jump-start your healing journey. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy. Do this for yourself. I promise it will help you. The course will bring you the knowledge you desperately need to avoid future realtionships, see red flags early, and to know you are lovable and deserving of consistent kindness and emotional safety. Please care well for yourself. Big hugs, Annette
I never knew there was a term for this behavior in an abusive relationship. I’m researching to gain information for my sister, who is in an abusive marriage and going through exactly this situation. However, reading this article makes me realize this was me almost 20 years ago when I was with an abusive man. I would react and he would stay calm, painting me as the “crazy” one. I was able to leave that person and now in a loving healthy relationship but this put so much into perspective for me for what I went through. Thank you. Forwarded this article to my sister. Hopefully she’s ready to see herself as worthy of better.
Thank you for sharing this. It means so much that you’re advocating for your sister while also recognizing the pain in your own past. What you described, being pushed to react while the abuser stays calm to maintain control and paint you as unstable, is a devastating and common tactic. I’m so glad you were able to leave and are now in a loving, healthy relationship. That’s a beautiful testament to your strength and resilience.
I hope your sister can begin to see what you’ve come to know—that she’s worthy of peace, safety, and respect. When she’s ready, please encourage her to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It offers a compassionate, comprehensive education that brings validation, clarity, and hope to those stuck in confusing or emotionally abusive relationships. Many survivors say it changed their lives and saved them a year or more of traditional therapy.
Your support can make all the difference. Thank you for standing by her. Love, Annette
i am crying right now, I thought I was going crazy. this absolutely hits every nail on the head perfectly. fragmented thinking confused responses all the while he remains cool and confident and able to control the narrative. ive called the police about 12 times in the past 2 years and he called me the abuser because his face was all bruised and bloodied ( he even started banging his own head against the wall or hitting himself in the face saying the police wouldnt believe me because its on file that ive punched him trying to leave/get out of the situation) and the police said to ME that it wasnt okay to put hands on people and technically I could get charged even though he was the one sceaming in my face saying a bunch of negative and hateful things and kept blocking me from leaving even mocking me for laying on the floor crying or screaming for help or to just leave me alone. and then being cool as a cucumber when talking to the authorities yet shaking and crying breaking down in front of me abd grabbing my legs when i threaten to walk away or leave the relationship. now everytime i try to break up with him he tells me "not this game again" or "i dont know what games your playing now" when ive explicitly told him its not and i dont play games and he knows how much i hate this. i cant get out
been 5 years and i still cant….
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Your words are heartbreaking and powerful, and I want you to know: you are not crazy. Everything you described is textbook coercive control and emotional abuse. The confusion you feel, the fragmented thinking, the way he twists reality and manipulates how others see you, these are all intentional tactics meant to keep you trapped and doubting yourself.
What he’s doing is deeply dangerous. Blocking your exits, mocking your cries for help, injuring himself to frame you, it’s all part of a devastating pattern of psychological abuse. You deserve safety. You deserve to be believed. And you deserve to live free from fear.
Please consider taking our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It was designed exactly for situations like yours, to help you find validation, regain your strength, and understand the complex dynamics keeping you stuck. Many people say it gave them the education, clarity and confidence they needed to begin breaking free. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy. You need to get educated as quickly as possible in order to navigate this difficult situation. The course is only $59 and consists of four modules with reading and video sessions.
You are not alone. We believe you. And there is a way forward. Please take our course. You are your best advocate. It’s time to step up and take control back of your life. Please take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
I'm having a hard time with this article—and the comments—because they reflect a perspective I think is far too black and white. I've experienced both sides of this kind of dynamic. I was severely emotionally abused in one relationship, and in the next, I became the person who caused deep harm. That didn’t happen because I wanted control or enjoyed what I was doing—it happened because I was in a full-blown traumatic collapse, unable to tell what was real or safe, and acting from terror I didn’t yet know how to process.
It wasn't strategic—I was dysregulated, reactive, and constantly swinging between panic, fawning, criticism, self-erasure, and explosive defensiveness. I saw harm on their side, too, but I also believed I was the problem, so I kept trying to fix it by taking responsibility for everything, and then in conflict, would flip into accusing them of being the problem, because I had always been told an abuser was one or the other, when in reality, the truth is not neat. Over time, the person I was with stopped being able to see me as human. That’s completely understandable. But it also became dangerous.
Despite being in therapy and genuinely trying to change, my smallest slip-ups were increasingly treated as proof that I hadn’t changed at all. And as their nervous system began to unravel, they started responding to my sincere distress with things that were painful and frightening—language that degraded me, physical behavior that crossed lines, actions that made it clear I was no longer being seen as a person trying to overcome survival responses, but only as a threat. All of this was increasingly framed as “reactive abuse.” And while I understand where that framing comes from, I also think it needs to be questioned.
It is never okay to respond to someone in a trauma response with cruelty. It is not okay to respond to someone who is visibly overwhelmed and pleading for connection, however imperfectly, by escalating into dehumanization. It is not okay to physically harm or verbally degrade someone and then say it was justified because it was just "a reaction." It’s also not okay that I screamed during fights, shut my partner down, pursued conflict after boundaries were drawn, or picked apart their words when I felt unsafe. None of that is okay. But when we decide some harm is justified and some isn’t, we lose our humanity. All harm is real harm. All people have the right to safety and dignity.
I’m not defending abuse. We never owe another person access to us if we are not safe with them. All I’m trying to say that the reality of mutual trauma and mutual harm is far more complex than this framework allows. The binary of “reactive abuse isn’t abuse” becomes extremely dangerous when it is given permission to be used as an excuse for any behavior that comes from pain. And most importantly—it perpetuates something that only continues the cycle of abuse. Because when we teach people that those who’ve been labeled abusive don’t deserve humanity, too, and that as victims we have the right to harm or dismiss their dignity, we’re reinforcing the exact kind of dehumanization that fuels abusive behavior in the first place.
When I process the harm I've experienced at the hands of others, I experience every emotion necessary for me to experience. I feel my rage, my grief, my hope, my indignation, and anything else that is there. I even feel my desire to punish or retaliate, if that arises—but I will never actually advocate for those people being deserving of harm, or that they be stripped of their humanity. I will honor their right to dignity, not because they honored mine, but because I will not allow my own humanity to be determined by what someone else does. I will not allow my pain to detach me from my true power, which is my spirit. There is no true power in vengeance, punishment, contempt, dehumanization, detachment, etc. It is all just more violence, and I can't "justify" that without taking something from myself.
Some situations make it impossible to get to safety without harm. When you are traumatized and trying to survive, your behavior will reflect that, and that is human. That is deserving of compassion. That is always redeemable. But to take it a step further and encourage people to see reactive harm as “okay” and “justified,” to say there is no need to unpack that more deeply, "that's just what happens when you've been abused too long" is its own violence. It allows us to convince ourselves we are reclaiming our humanity when in reality, we are cutting ourselves off from it—because to reduce another person only to their worst actions and use that to justify harming them is selective dehumanization, and it is our own spirit we are sacrificing in doing that. What moral authority do we have to determine another human being's right to dignity?
No one has the moral authority to deny another person's right to dignity. Not even when that person has denied yours.
Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and courageous perspective. You’ve named something important, when two people are living in unhealed trauma, harm can happen on both sides, and dignity matters for everyone. Reactive defense is not the same as an intentional pattern of abuse, but as you’ve said, all harm is still harm and worth unpacking. Over the last several months I have thought about updating the article with the message of how essential it is for victims acting out reactively to do the trauma work needed to change from reactions to dignified responses. Reactive abuse can be interpreted by law enforcement and the courts as original abuse. My article was not meant to be an excuse but rather an explanation of why so many victims who don’t normally act that way are questioning their culpability in the abusive relationship as a whole. Most victims/survivors are more willing to blame themselves than the true abuser. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website emphatically states that there is no such thing as mutual abuse. They are referring to the very different motives of the victim verses the offender. I agree with their statement. This does not mean that reactive abuse is not harmful to both parties. My article was meant to separate the intention of power-over and control from a trauma response. I believe we all have some trauma work to do if we are to be healthy individuals in a relationship. I am not excusing reactive abuse, I am merely explaining why it happens to people who are in relationships where there is a longstanding pattern of recurring abuse.
Your commitment to holding onto your humanity, even when you’ve been hurt, is powerful and your ability to carry respect of the dignity of all others aligns with mine. If you haven’t yet, I recommend our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It addresses these nuances and offers tools to step out of harmful cycles. Graduates of the course regularly report that it saved them about a year of traditional therapy. I hope you are choosing to do activities that bring you joy. It’s so important to engage in things that produce endorphins to counteract the stress hormones surging through our bodies. Please take real good care of yourself. And, thank you again for your thoughtful communication. Big hugs, Annette
Just found this site (and verbiage 'reactive defense') maybe an hour ago. You are very articulate; I was very interested reading your perspective from both sides. I think PRIORITY makes all the difference and was unsure of your priorities during your experiences of giving or receiving abuse. If your priority is protecting your partners vulnerabilities versus using them to manipulate. Hope that makes sense.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You’re absolutely right, priority makes all the difference. In healthy relationships, our priority is to protect one another’s vulnerabilities, not exploit them. In abusive dynamics, the opposite happens: an abuser will use your vulnerabilities as weapons of control and exploitation. That distinction, care versus manipulation, is key to discerning the difference between conflict in a healthy relationship and abuse in a destructive one.
I’m so glad you found us and that the concept of reactive defense resonated. It’s an important step to bring clarity where confusion has lived for too long. If you’d like to go deeper, I encourage you to explore our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It provides tools to better understand these dynamics and empower you in your own healing journey. Take good care. Love, Annette
I found this article vastly helpful in understanding my situation. I am a male, and as a reactive defender myself, have been labeled the abuser, which is an easily accepted narrative given Im 6'2 200lb and my wife is 5' 105 lbs. I share that fact so that I can share that your article is clearly biased towards men being g the abuser and women the victim. I understand that may be the case many times it's not a given. in your excelle it article you illustrate how difficult it is to discern who is the abuser for responders. Perhaps shifting to a gender neutral stance in the examples would help to break from this stereotype. Otherwise, great article.
**pease do not share my name.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful feedback and for sharing your story. You’re absolutely right, abuse is not limited to one gender, and the pain of being mischaracterized as the abuser, especially when you’re the one being provoked and harmed, is profoundly disorienting and isolating. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that. We also recognize that it can be very difficult for male victims to find support and acknowledgement. I hope you know that you are welcome in our community.
At The MEND Project, we recognize that reactive defense can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, and it’s a priority for us to make sure all survivors feel seen and supported. You are not alone in your experience, and I’m glad the article brought you some clarity. We often use gender neutral verbiage in our blogs and workshops. Originally we didn’t do so but we offered a disclaimer stating that because there are more male offenders and more female victims/survivors we would use each gender accordingly to simplify our writings. We have not gone back and changed the words in our past articles and blogs but we do try to keep current blogs in a more neutral tone.
If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It provides a comprehensive education about covert abuse and reactive defense, and many men have found it life-changing. It’s only $59.00 and includes four modules with reading and video sessions. I hope you’ll consider taking advantage of the comprehensive education our course provides.
It’s very important that you get a handle on your reactive abuse. Law enforcement and court personnel do not understand domestic violence or reactive defense. Your reactions can label you the abuser. I encourage you to get the help from an expert trauma-informed therapist to help you process your triggers and provide you will a deeper knowledge of how to implement alternative responses. Graduates of our course regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy. I hope you’ll be proactive to learning. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing. Please take good care of your mental and physical health. Warmly, Annette
This is a very well written piece about something that is often hard to articulate, and understand. Thank you!
Thank you for your kind words, I’m glad it was helpful to you!
thank you. the validation with psychological and physiological understanding is super helpful. I'm wondering if there's any understanding in pets behavior with abuse? my dog > cats gets extremely upset when my spouse is yelling at me and stands in front of me, protecting me from him. he will run to the bathroom and hide with me, and if we go outside, he will REFUSE to go back in the house. Since I've began to see my husband's behavior for what it is, my dog has developed more generalized anxiety. I'm not sure if he picks up on my energy or it's just a coincidence.
Thank you for sharing this. What you’re noticing in your dog is not a coincidence, pets are highly attuned to tone, tension, and emotional energy. His protective behaviors and refusal to re-enter the home show he senses the distress and potential danger, both on your behalf, and in the environment. Over time, just like us, animals can develop anxiety from living in ongoing stress.
I encourage you to take our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will help you understand the full scope of what’s happening and give you tools to respond and reduce your anxiety and stress. Please take gentle care of yourself. It’s critical that you place your needs first and learn how to advocate for yourself well. Warmly, Annette
What an incredibly informative article. My wife and I had not been getting along for the last five years of our marriage. She herself was a victim of domestic violence and PTSD. Alcohol played a huge part in the dysfunction of our marriage. I begged for us to stop and go to marriage counseling but she would refuse. So our last night together, we had an argument and I went to another room to watch a move as I always did to get away. To lighten and diffuse the mood, I got playful and rocked her chair and then sang to her. That made things worse. After I went back to my room, she came over straddled me, grabbed my wrist extremely tight and then body slammed my head. I begged her to let go of my wrists, she was hurting me. She refused so I but her hand and she let go. She proceeded to tell me I had no right to bite her and that she was going to call a lawyer. I told her she was hurting me!! She then called me a F-ing C-nt over the next two hours. I locked myself in our bedroom and fell asleep to avoid further aggression, but she then banged the door and ordered me to “open the F-ng door, you F-ng C-nt.” I should have just blocked the door but I unlocked it when she slammed it open, continued with the name calling and then began throwing items from my nightstand at me including my cell phone which caused me to bleed and I began to feel faint. She laughed, mocked me and at that point, I had enough and called 911. She was arrested and I was awarded an extended protective order so that I could move out. THEN!!! She locked me out of our savings account, changed the password on our joint email preventing me from access to other accounts, cashed out a joint CD and filed bogus assault charges on me for biting her!!!
This distressed me to the point I was unable to work and went on short term disability. To this day, she continues to blame shift and tell me I assaulted HER and that it was my fault for triggering her!! She claimed I abandoned her.
I’m now in a safe place and divorced. I want no contact but she would tell me she wants to be friends! Hell No! I hope she gets help. She has a new girlfriend who lives in another country. Good luck with that.
I believe my true healing began after I watch the video produced by the Mend Project on Blame Shifting. It completely opened my eyes to what she was doing and helped me clear any self doubt I had. I would highly recommend that couples have their own individual checking, savings accounts so that the accuser cannot leave one without financial means to flee. I’m still grieving the loss of my marriage but, I will confine to get through this one day at a time.
Thank you, The Mend Project!!
Thank you for sharing your story so openly. What you endured was deeply abusive and manipulative, and I’m so sorry you were treated that way. The physical aggression, name-calling, financial control, thievery, and false accusations are all part of a destructive pattern meant to shift blame onto you, and keep you and others doubting who you truly are. I’m glad you’re now in a safe place and have no contact, that’s an important boundary.
It’s encouraging to hear that our Blame Shifting video brought you clarity and helped you release self-doubt. That insight is a powerful step in your healing. Grief after leaving is normal, but as you said, healing happens one day at a time. I’d love to see you take our online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It’s only $59.00 and four modules in length but graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy. Please continue caring well for yourself and protecting your peace. Big hugs, Annette
Thank you for this information as I’m prepared to move forward to being safe and happy with or without the man I loved for 20 years but has proven to me by his physical and mental and sexual abuse In not important to him! He has put his other women and adult children before me and has treated me with disrespect for years! His adult children are narcissistic as he is and also treat me with disrespect as well and will always side with their father! After being choked and hurt it’s time to protect myself from this abuse to continue! I told him I’m staying in my home and on my property as it is mine and his but he is very angry and says this is his house and will go to his children no matter what but I told him that’s not the way it works! Thank you for caring for the abused and I know this is going to be a challenge moving forward!
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the years of disrespect, betrayal, and abuse you’ve endured. No one should be treated with physical, sexual, or emotional harm, especially in the place they call home. His behavior, and the way his adult children have joined in the mistreatment, is unacceptable and deeply hurtful.
It’s a powerful step that you’re choosing to protect yourself and stand your ground regarding your home. That boundary is an important part of reclaiming your safety and dignity. This will be a challenge, as you said, but you have already shown courage and clarity in recognizing the abuse for what it is and refusing to allow it to continue.
Please make sure you have a solid safety plan and the right legal advice as you move forward. I would contact your local domestic violence agency and discuss with them filing a protective order. You might also consider going to the police and reporting that he has strangled you in the past and you fear for your life. You need to know the cases where the abuser has strangled his partner significantly raises the risk for domestic homicide. Please take this seriously. I would not discuss anything with your spouse right now until you have gathered all the facts and understand the risks. I also recommend our self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will help you strengthen your boundaries, protect your peace, and speed along your healing journey. Please be careful and take real good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
I had someone living with me for almost 2 years that man never even raised his voice at me but he knew about my past he know I was with a very violently abusive person who when I did get away I didn't go back for anything not a necklace my grandma gave me not the porcelain dolls my mom got me every year for Christmas not me and my brother's school pictures nothing cuz nothing was more important than me getting away and I wasn't going back it wasn't anything that important this wasn't the guy I'm talking about but the guy talking about would get right in my face and I was already jumpy I used to flinch when people to make something movements because it would come out of nowhere when my ex had hit me or repeatedly had sex with me me sitting there crying and telling him I didn't want to do it but I mean he was my boyfriend so anyways it went from that to him getting close enough physically and touching me like just my face barely and I hit him I felt so bad but repercussions were way worse from him and as he was sitting there on top of me he said you hit me first you hit me first he touched me first I learned real quick not to respond to any physical contact right away but of course that didn't matter it's still escalated cuz the last time I kept repeating was I didn't touch you I guess in some way shape or form that let me know at least that it wasn't my fault cuz I was black and blue all the way from the sides of my feet under my arms all on my arms cuz I was blocking my face my front teeth got s*** and one got knocked out from the porcelain from toilet it was bad I still never gotten any help mentally don't know how I can't keep the phone on long enough to keep in contact with stuff or people I have no transportation and I have no family so but I am very blessed to at least have had that realization that last go around that he did the things he did because he knew I would respond because of my past trauma just like I used to flinch when people would make sudden movements around me which is a very not cool and unhealthy thing for him to have done to me but I've noticed that abusers pay attention and listen to your past traumas they'll use these as triggers for you so when you respond they're the victims so don't be that open with people even if you have been around them for two years because that whole time could just be them I don't know studying you maybe and your ways your traits f****** what's happening to you and if they are abusive they will use it against you they will that's one way for sure you can tell someone is abusive if they use your past against you for no reason when you've done nothing to them so it's not a defense response it's just a reason or an excuse for them to hurt you but a real abuser will try to make you feel like it's your fault I know this first hand experience
Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m so sorry for the trauma you endured, what you described is horrific. Abusers often exploit the very vulnerabilities and past traumas we’ve shared with them, using those details to trigger, manipulate, and then blame us. None of this was your fault. Your reaction was a trauma response, not abuse. His violence, his blaming, and the way he twisted the narrative were deliberate choices to maintain power and control.
You are right, true abusers use your past against you, distort the truth, and then frame you as the problem. That realization is important, but you also deserve support in healing from all you’ve survived. Please don’t carry this alone. I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will give you education about these dynamics, help calm trauma symptoms, and reframe the self-blame that abuse leaves behind. Graduates of the course often tell us it changed their lives in numerous ways and saved them about a year of traditional therapy. It’s only $57.00 and four modules in length. We offer scholarships if you cannot afford to pay. Please begin thinking about doing things that bring you joy. And consider taking the initiative to improve your earning capacity. Taking courses that will give you a certificate or enrolling in online courses at your community college may be ways you can get unstuck financially. You’re in a tough season. That said, many victims have been where you are and have taken one baby step at a time to change the course of their lives. In time you can look back and see a thousand steps you took to improve your life.
You’ve already shown incredible strength by surviving. Now, it’s time to care for yourself and begin reclaiming your peace. You are worthy of healing, safety, and true autonomy. Big hugs, Annette
My brain hurts so much right now after just having lashes out at my husband for gaslighting me once again. He truly is having me doubt my sanity. His emotional and psychological abuse has been going on for 40 years. I can’t take it anymore. I always think I’m the crazy one, I forget things, that’s not how it happened, I’m too emotional, I holler all the time. I always make an excuse to not leave him because “he’s not hitting me” and maybe it’s my fault that he is like this to me. I can’t even go into it all my brain is so fuzzy right now. Thank you for this article. It’s put a lot into perspective for me.
Thank you for your courage in sharing this. Forty years of gaslighting and emotional abuse is devastating, I’m so sorry you’ve endured this for so long. What you’re describing, the fuzzy thinking, doubting your sanity, excusing his behavior because “he’s not hitting you”, these are all classic effects of emotional abuse. Please hear me clearly: you are not crazy, and this is not your fault.
Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt your memory, perceptions, and even your worth. The confusion, the self-blame, the sense of being “too emotional”, these are trauma responses, not character flaws. Abuse is not only physical; emotional abuse can be even more damaging because of how it erodes your self-perceptions and hope. Prolonged exposure to emotional abuse, causes PTSD or complex PTSD. Your fuzzy thinking and reactive behavior is likely evidence of you having PTSD. PTSD compromises your mind and body. You need space to heal. Have you noticed health issues? Chronic stress hormones pumping through your body can cause your immune system to collapse, resulting in unexplained medical issues that require medical attention.
I encourage you to take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will help calm the confusion, validate what you’ve been experiencing, and give you tools to reclaim your clarity and confidence. Graduates of the course often tell us it saved them a year of traditional therapy and changed their lives in numerous ways, including how you view your situtation and how you view yourself.
You deserve safety, dignity, and peace. Please take gentle care of yourself as you move forward. You are not alone. Warmly, Annette
this was helpful. I am in a marriage that started out very well. we were happy and successful. after less than a year of marriage (we were together for 5 years before marriage and it was great) we moved from DC to central Florida so that my husband could care for his selfish and controlling father who had terminal cancer. me, being the good wife, went along dutifully. the situation was bad as soon as we got there and I retreated to the pool for 8 hours a day. when his father finally passed, we moved to the Virgin Islands and my husband began using drugs. I lived with this for over a decade. I got my college degree and worked through all of it and since he couldn't keep a job, I was responsible for all of the living expenses. we finally got to the point where I could no longer afford to support everything and we became homeless. we finally got off the island, one at a time. since then, my mother passed and I was left a large sum of money. my husband is disrespectful, lazy and controlling. he had quadruple bypass surgery 8 weeks ago and is using that to further control me. I am bipolar and have ADHD so he uses that to his advantage. sometimes I like him but most of the time I feel resentful and don't want to be around him. I don't know what to do. I know I should leave but I'm not strong enough. please help.
Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. You’ve been carrying an enormous weight for a very long time, financially, emotionally, and relationally. What you described, your husband’s disrespect, control, drug use, lack of work, and the way he uses your mental health challenges against you, are all patterns of emotional abuse. Please hear me clearly: this is not your fault. You have been over-functioning for years while he under-functions and takes advantage of your loyalty and resilience. He is entitled and manipulative. Please see that clearly.
It’s understandable that you feel torn, you’ve been invested for decades, and you’re not lacking strength, you’re lacking support and clarity. You’re experiencing cognitive dissonance, or said another way, gaslighting yourself with your fears rather than seeing your situation through an accurate lens. The resentment you feel is your body’s way of telling you the dynamic is unsustainable. You deserve peace, respect, and freedom from control.
I encourage you to take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will help you gain clarity about your situation, calm the self-doubt, and empower you to take next steps toward healing. The course will also help you to overcome your fears. Education is power and that’s what most victims need. Many graduates of the course say it saved them a year of traditional therapy and completely reshaped their understanding of themselves and their relationships.
Please remember: you don’t have to face this alone. You are stronger than you realize, and clarity will help you see just how much strength you already carry. The course if $57.00 and four modules in length. Each module has about 45 minutes of reading and a two-hour recorded session with me. I promise you you will feel so much better, clear and brave after completing the course. In the mean time, please care well for yourself. Warmly, Annette
Never ever ever ever, did I consider the idea that I DID have a right to complain. Eventually I'd snap and get physical back. Never heard of reactive defense. I'm in my sixties, 30 year marriage I'm getting away from. Not a fighter, not strong, but he's the one with bite mark scars. I felt guilty, so many times, for being a bad person. No longer will I feel guilty for thinking, "Had I known then what I know now I'd have bit a lot harder." Never saw a red flag, too busy 'fawning'. Not visiting me while I was on life support should have been a clue. Crazy what I rationalized to believe in him as a loving husband. Being determined to be the perfect 50's wife…forget that!
Thank you for sharing your truth so openly. I’m so sorry for the decades of control, guilt, and emotional torment you endured. What you’ve described is exactly why we talk about reactive defense, when years of being silenced and dismissed push you to respond in ways that are completely out of character. Those moments don’t make you the abuser; they reveal the depth of the trauma you were living under.
The fact that you carried guilt for so long only shows how much you tried to make the relationship work, how much you blamed yourself instead of seeing the truth of his patterns. Not visiting you while you were on life support was not love, it was cruelty. You deserved tenderness, not abandonment. All this being said, it’s critically important that you get help for your trauma with an experienced trauma informed therapist. If you cannot afford therapy, it is important that you do things that bring you joy and research ways you can calm your nervous system that feel comfortable to you. When we participate in activities that uplift us, we produce endorphins that counteract the stress hormones from abuse that are surging through our bodies. It’s critically important to learn coping skills and calming techniques so that you don’t react out of character. If you don’t heal, you can be the one who is arrested by law enforcement. I would hate to see that happen for you. The courts and law enforcement don’t understand reactive defense. If your husband were to call the police and show scars on his body, you would be labeled the abuser. In some states, the person labeled the abuser will lose alimony. I want you to be aware of this because reactive defense is an explanation but it isn’t an excuse you can use to justify your behavior.
I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will help you reframe the self-blame, strengthen your confidence, and remind you of your worth. Many graduates of the course say it changed their lives and saved them about a year of traditional therapy.
You’re free now to let go of the guilt and claim the dignity and peace you always deserved. Please take good care of yourself. Big hugs, Annette
This article made me cry. I could never explain my reactive behavior. I always thought I was behaving immaturely and always deeply ashamed. I wish I had read this 5 years ago. I’ve been married to my husband for 26 years but the manipulative abuse became intolerable after he did something very egregious and I continually tried to get accountability from him.
Thank you for sharing so honestly. What you described, feeling ashamed of your reactive behavior, is something so many survivors relate to. It’s not immaturity; it’s a trauma response to being continually pushed past your limits. The shame belongs to the one who manipulated and refused accountability, not to you.
I’m glad the article gave words to your experience. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to explore our course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It helps unpack patterns like these and brings freedom from self-blame. You deserve that clarity and compassion as you continue moving forward. Also, the course will give you a comprehensive education regarding the nuances in your relationship. Clarity is the first necessary step to healing and finding empowerment. It’s only $57.00 and four modules in length. I really hope you willl consider taking it. Graduates regularly report that the course saved them about a year of traditional therapy. You won’t feel bogged down ruminating any longer. The course will jumpstart your process and healing. Please take good care of yourself. Warmly, Annette
Tonight I went searching for the "why" to many questions about the last 30 years of my life with my soon to be ex-husband not expecting to get much since I wasn't even sure what I was looking for myself. Somehow, I stumbled upon your site. I had a full-on eye opener! I always knew I was being abused but I didn't really think I was in the circle of "real" abuse. I always thought other women had it worse than me. I learned tonight that abuse really was happening to me and I wasn't crazy! There literally wasn't one sentence that didn't describe the last 30 years of my life. My jaw dropped! I learned why I've been doing some things, thinking some things and reacting in certain ways because of what he was doing to me with covert and overt emotional abuse. To have my experiences verified like this is incredible and so much more than I could have asked for! It's like a curtain has been lifted and I can see again! What I read from your site tonight has REALLY opened my eyes and I know that I can start healing now that I have all of this new information. Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m deeply moved by your words and so glad you found our site when you did. What you described, the disbelief, the minimizing of your own experience because “others had it worse,” the confusion and self-doubt, is exactly why covert abuse is so damaging. It keeps victims questioning whether what they’ve endured is “real” abuse, all while their sense of self is being eroded.
The curtain lifting, the jaw-dropping recognition you described, that’s the moment of clarity every survivor deserves. And you’re right, this is the beginning of your healing journey. Please be gentle with yourself as you process this new perspective. The years of covert and overt abuse were not your fault. You are not crazy. You are waking up to the truth.
I encourage you to take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It builds on what you’ve just experienced, helping survivors dismantle the confusion, reclaim their confidence, and begin true healing. Many graduates tell us it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and completely reshaped how they see themselves and their relationships. It will also expedite your healing process and the course is only four modules. It will be very affirming and eye opening on much deeper levels than our site alone can provide. In the mean time, please take real good care of yourself. Do things that bring you joy even if you solely feel like isolating. When you get out of the house to take an exercise class or art or craft class and interact with others in lighthearted ways you produce a huge amount of endorphins to counteract the stress hormones surging through your body. Thank you again for affirming our site. You have already taken the hardest step: opening your eyes. Now it’s time to care well for yourself and embrace the healing you so deserve. Love, Annette
Thank you so much for this insight, I am awaiting aggravated common assault charges for what I can only describe as madness, I have felt unheard , gaslighted multiple times, lied to, had my emotional needs questioned time and time again, told "you're putting things in your head" that I'm crazy told you , you ,you when ever I tried to walk away despite explaining the discussion is going off track and we need a 10 minute break to stop things escalating only to be received with "don't you walk away from me" screamed at me and doors slammed etc. I always went back apologising because my wife would then cry i never knew why , my actions the night it happened came from nowhere, I still cannot pinpoint how and why, I have immense guilt and shame and total disgust with myself. my wife has told all the family what happened and I have now lost family and friends without ever now being able to share the true facts, my mental health is completely gone , I was already suicidal before and have ADHD, chronic pain and insomnia that my wife was aware of, I made the mistake of telling her I wanted to end the marriage three days previously , whilst also telling her she was a domestic abuser, on that night I told her she had absolutely broken me and destroyed my self worth to the point I didn't know who I was anymore, my wife works in dept of communities, domestic violence is one of her specialities and she knows this inside out . I still love her , I really don't understand why and that's tough to accept to. My life is in tatters , but now I am the abuser. Every day is an effort , I simply don't have the strength to go on, I can't go to my house , contact her, although she has tried to contact me which I feel was her way if hoping I would answer to get re-arrested, I believe she was being coercive. She has had the house valued , wants to sell asap, I feel like instantaneously I have been closed out of her life , while I'm left feeling from the fallout , she has not taken one piece of accountability ever, I will lose my job, be financially crippled and have the biggest challenge of my life in overcoming this emotional trauma.
Thank you for opening up and sharing such a painful and complex story. What you’ve been through is heartbreaking, and I want you to know you are not alone. Being gaslighted, blocked from leaving, screamed at, and shamed repeatedly for years is emotional abuse. The guilt and shame you feel now are trauma responses, not a reflection of your worth.
It’s important to understand that even though you reacted, those reactions came from years of mistreatment, exhaustion, and being pushed past your breaking point. She instigated a reaction from you while she aimed to control and beat you down. That doesn’t mean you’re the abuser. It means you were surviving under unbearable pressure. Unfortunately, as you’ve experienced, abusers often twist the narrative, present themselves as the victim, and leave the true victim isolated, blamed, and responsible to law enforcement.
Please take gentle care of yourself right now. I encourage you to take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will help you understand the nuances of what you’ve been through, calm the confusion, and begin rebuilding your confidence, self-worth, and empower you. Many graduates say it saved them about a year of therapy and helped them reframe their story with truth and compassion.
I also want to encourage you, because you mentioned feeling like you don’t have the strength to go on, please reach out right away to a crisis hotline if those thoughts become overwhelming. In the U.S., you can dial or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re outside the U.S., please connect with your local crisis line. Your life matters. You deserve to heal, and you still have so much worth to bring into the world.
You are not what she says you are. You are a human being who has endured immense pain and still has the courage to seek understanding. Please hold onto that truth. You say you still love her. I would like to suggest that you are trauma bonded to her. True love does not abuse and you can’t love another in a healthy way until you truly love yourself. It’s important that you read about trauma bonds to educate yourself and to put your feelings into context. Even though things might get more difficult right now before they get better, there is a way through to the other side; even when one is being wrongly blamed for abuse. Find a couple trustworthy friends or family members and share what’s been happening and that you have kept quiet to protect your marriage. This is very common. Share the reactive abuse article. If you don’t have family or friends to confide in who are truly trustworthy, see a therapist, faith leader, or a domestic violence advocate. It’s difficult to heal in isolation. Connection with safe people will give you the validation you need to heal. Try to let go of what others are saying about you. You cannot control that. Other adults are free to believe what they want, even if it’s inaccurate. It’s best to look forward to new friends or to shrink your circle of friends. If you have any text messages where she was abusive, or tape recordings of her abuse, you might want to share that with trusted friends and law enforcement. What ever you decide, please be compassionate to yourself. Take good care of yourself. Force yourself to do things that bring you joy. You’re under a lot of stress and harmful hormones are pumping through your body. You need to do positive things to produce endorphins to counteract the stress hormones. You will get through this. On the other side is a hopeful, abuse free future. Big hugs, Annette
Thank you so much for getting back to me, your words , articles and support hold great value to me, I have a long and tough road ahead but now feel confident I can fully rebuild my mental health and self worth .
it's a shame there is not a project like this available in Australia.
Once again, please accept my heart felt thanks ,
Wow! I saw a post on TikTok that talked about Reative Abuse. I cried. I felt relieved like a ton of weight was lifted off my shoulders. Through couple therapy, it was difficult to explain what was happening in our house. My significant went into session calm and collected, while I was an emotional mess unable to describe my experiences. I googled Reative abuse yesterday and my husband read it. No denial. No response. At the end of the day, he said "from now on, we will not go to bed angry and we will always end the night with 'I love you'. This is the first time he had nothing to say about my thoughts on him having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, gaslighting, and love bombing, alone with stonewalling and reactive defense. Thank you so much for your website and workshop. See you on 9/11/2025.
I’m so glad discovering reactive abuse brought you relief and validation. Naming what’s happening is powerful, it breaks the shame and confusion. Your husband’s silence after reading it speaks volumes. Real change requires accountability, owning their behavior and the impact it has had on you, not just words.
I’m so glad you have benefitted from our website and course. Hearing comments like yours fuels us to keep on going. You aren’t alone, your part of our community and we are here for you. I encourage you to consider joining an online or in person support group. You will gain even more knowledge and experience deep and caring support from so many. In the mean time, take real good care of yourself. By doing things that bring you joy and exercising, you can mitigate your trauma symptoms. Reactive Abuse explains your reactions, but it’s not sustainable. You need to get help for your trauma or be very proactive to do things that will produce endorphins to counteract all the stress hormones pumping through your body. Please take care. Love, Annette
Thank you for this article, it’s really helped me back from the brink.
My husband has spent years bullying me , verbally abusing me under the guise of “joking” and complaining I can’t take a joke, calling me mentally unwell and bipolar because I’ve finally reacted to his years of gaslighting , lies , manipulating me , causing a toxic environment with his nit picking and blaming. At one point it started to affect my brain, the stress of home life was making me unable to remember things and I started to worry I had memory issues. My husband has always been smart enough to be a friendly person with my family and adult children to the point that my children even think I’m the aggressor because they hear my anger reaction but not his hours or days or getting at me, making angry faces, talking down to me , name calling etc. To stop myself attacking him I now have to hurt myself by banging my hand or kicking a wall because I’m so full of pain and anger and stress .
Thank you for sharing so openly. What you’ve described is heartbreaking and deeply damaging. Gaslighting, name-calling, mocking, and minimizing your pain as “jokes” are all forms of emotional abuse. The fact that you’ve started to doubt your memory and resort to hurting yourself just to release the pain shows how harmful and unsustainable this environment has become. Please know, this is not your fault. Your reactions are trauma responses to years of being deceived, belittled, and controlled.
It’s especially painful when abusers manage their image so well that family and children see only their “friendly” side, leaving you blamed and misunderstood. That isolation is part of the abuse. You are not the aggressor, you are someone who has been pushed past your limits.
I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will give you the education and tools to dismantle the confusion, understand your trauma responses, and begin healing. Many survivors tell us it saved them about a year of traditional therapy and helped them reclaim their confidence and sense of self-worth. The course is only four modules in length and will give you a comprehensive education meant to intervene on your self-doubt and empower you will ways to understand and respond to abuse. In the mean time and moving forward, please do things that bring you joy to help counteract all the stress hormones surging through your body. Exercise, take an art or craft class, join an online support group. I recommend a support group called Flying Free with Natalie Hoffman. It’s only $29.00 per month and you will gain a community of people who will validate and support you. Please take good care of yourself. Love, Annette
Please also reach out for safe support if the urge to harm yourself becomes overwhelming. In the U.S., you can dial or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If outside the U.S., please connect with your local crisis line. Your life matters, and you deserve safety, healing, and peace.
This is all happening to me … by my own mother and father , im currently being held against my will in Tasmania, I have been captive for almost three years now.. im not going to make it out of this place and back home to qld ever again and I know that now.. im going to die here in the dark, in the cold, alone. i have no one left, nothing left, I am now nothing.
I only hope that wherever I go after this life is better than this place! here i am in hell, where the darkness is forever and the wolves are ever near.
I’m deeply sorry and disturbed to read your comment. I’m truly very sorry. I hope you will notify authorities. If that has not worked in the past, there may be an organization that addresses elder abuse. I know your not an elderly person but the laws here in the states protect adults from other family members who are abusing them, especially if you are handicapped in any way. Please don’t give up trying to find help. Feel free to email us at [email protected]. We care for your well-being and mental health. Big hugs, Annette
I don't know how to begin. My partner has so many different unpredictability's. I can't predict which version I'm about to encounter, but I can decipher why they behave in a certain manner. It's usually to paint a distorted narrative. It makes me really sad. I'm not perfect, who is?? However, I get wrongly accused of doing things that my partner is actually doing to me in a strange kind of reversal. It's as if my partner is rewriting behaviours in reverse to assuage the guilt that he can't face.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. What you’ve described, the unpredictability, the constant reversals, and being accused of what your partner is actually doing, is a hallmark of gaslighting and projection. It is confusing and deeply painful because it distorts reality and keeps you questioning yourself while protecting the abuser from facing their own guilt or responsibility.
You’re right, no one is perfect. But what you’re describing isn’t about imperfection. It’s about a repeated pattern of blame-shifting and distortion, significant character flaws, that leaves you carrying the weight of responsibility that aren’t yours. The presence of these behaviors also cause you to make yourself smaller and smaller in the relationship, leaving you feeling alone. That’s emotional abuse and if you choose to stay in this destructive relationship your cognitive thinking will become more compromised and your health will begin to fail due to the constant surge of stress hormones in your body.
I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It will help you recognize these patterns more clearly, calm the self-doubt, and give you the tools to begin reclaiming your truth and your peace. Many survivors say it was life-changing and jump-started their healing journey. They also tell us that it saved them about a year of traditional therapy. It’s only four modules in length, so it’s a great use of your time. You will gain confidence and empowerment while you will eliminate feelings of self-doubt.
Please take gentle care of yourself, you deserve clarity, safety, and respect. Big hugs, Annette
for the first time in 50 years I feel like someone is listening. I needote help
thankyou
Thank you for sharing this. After fifty years of feeling unseen, your words are powerful. Please know, you are being heard, and your voice matters. The pain you’ve carried for so long is real, and it deserves to be acknowledged with compassion and care.
You don’t have to walk this road alone. I encourage you to take our online self-paced course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It provides language for the experiences you’ve endured, helps dismantle the self-doubt, and offers a path forward. Many graduates of the course have told us it brought them hope, clarity, and healing after years of silence.
Please take gentle care of yourself. Do things that bring you joy. Exercise, take long walks, join an art or craft class. Connecting with other people in light hearted ways can help you find your footing. Also, it’s important to find at least one safe friend or family member you can confide in who will support your perspective. Additionally, it can be very helpful to join an online or in-person support group for domestic violence. Hang in there! Love, Annette
My name is Michael and my son is 22. I can't leave this relationship. But I do think my child has some form of mental illness that was never diagnosed. his mother and I split when he was age 5. Now at 22 yrs old he exhibits many of the behaviors expressed in this article. Would somebody please, lead me in the right psychological direction, so I can circumvent him from continuing his abusive ways. For my sake and the sake of the next roommate he has. BTW He sleeps ten 12 hours a night with a nap everyday. P.S. This article hit the nail right on the head, no pun intended.
Michael, thank you for reaching out and sharing so openly. Parenting in the midst of abuse and mental health concerns is incredibly difficult, and I hear the love you have for your son even in the midst of this pain. It sounds like you’ve been carrying this for a long time, and I want to acknowledge both your courage and your exhaustion.
What you’re describing, unpredictable behavior, long hours of sleep, possible untreated mental illness, may need the attention of a qualified mental health professional. While I can’t diagnose, I do want to encourage you to seek out an evaluation for your son through a psychiatrist or psychologist. A family doctor can often make a referral. If your son resists, you may still benefit from speaking with a trauma-informed therapist yourself to gain tools for setting healthy boundaries and protecting your own peace. You’ll need help navigating the contrast between setting boundaries and enabling your son’s bad behaviors.
You’re right to want to prevent these patterns from harming future relationships. The first step is clarity, naming what is really happening, what belongs to your son, and what belongs to you. Our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships, can help you understand these dynamics more clearly and give you strategies to care well for yourself in the process. The fact that your son is of age significantly limits your ability to get him the help he needs. I’m more concerned about you. It’s time to set boundaries with consequences. Doing so is the best thing for your son. If boundaries are unfamiliar to you it can be a scary step. There are a lot of books about setting boundaries with adult children. I recommend that you read one or two of them. In the mean time, please do things for yourself that bring you joy. In other words, practice self-care and find one or more people you can trust you can confide in. Big hugs, Annette
Please take gentle care of your own well-being. You’re not alone, and reaching out for guidance is an important step.
Thank you, this really made me understand the way I reacted and how my ex was feeling. In short, I emotionally abused my ex. He would lash out in anger and my apologies were never followed by actions to support it. Since I have realised this, I have been genuinely apologising to him and trying my best to change my behaviours. I know that he reasonably reacted to my abuse and was trying to tell me to stop. What I have been wondering though is whether there is a line that separates reactive defense and abuse.
There was a point, after a few months of me putting him through abuse that he demanded I do something out of my comfort zone to provide him trust in the relationship. I had repeatedly said no, and he would keep pestering me, asking me why I am saying no, or that me saying I'm not comfortable, is not a good enough answer until I said yes. This is not something that felt to me as a impulsive reaction. I do understand that he was trying to give me a chance to take accountability, I just think that it wasn't in a healthy way.
Thank you for your honesty and self-awareness. It takes real courage to acknowledge ways you may have caused harm and to actively seek change. That shows a sincere desire to grow.
To your question: yes, there is a difference between reactive defense and abuse. Reactive defense is an involuntary trauma response—when someone who is being repeatedly harmed, cornered, oppressed, violated, or gaslighted reacts in anger, frustration, or desperation. It’s not rooted in a mindset to control the other person. Abuse, on the other hand, is about power and control—using another person’s vulnerabilities against them, coercing, manipulating, betraying, or shaming them so these abuser can maintain dominance.
From what you described, your ex’s demands that you do something outside of your comfort zone repeatedly, until you gave in, was not reactive defense. His behaviors may be considered to be coercive control, which crosses into unhealthy and controlling behavior, even if it came from frustration. You may be right to sense it wasn’t healthy. That said, you didn’t describe what it was he was asking of you, therefore, it’s difficult for me to confirm if it was healthy or not. Said another way, when individuals are being abused they realize they need to set boundaries to reestablish trust or to get the relationship to a more healthy place. You may feel controlled even though it’s a healthy boundary. If you’d like clarification please provide more details.
Healing means accountability on both sides. You are already doing important work by apologizing. True ownership however, means doing whatever it takes to change your behavior, without justifications, discomfort, or excuses, not repeating the harm, and doing the internal work required to make the change longstanding and measurable. I encourage you to take our self-paced online course, Finding Clarity and Healing in Difficult, Confusing, or Abusive Relationships. It explains these distinctions more deeply and gives tools to prevent both abusive cycles and destructive reactivity.
You deserve clarity, and your willingness to face hard truths is a strong first step for building a healthy relationship. Your work will be in the followthrough if you want true healing and a healthier relationship moving forward.
Warmly,
Annette
Essentially, he had asked me to make out with him. He had asked me this one month before it happened, and I had said no. He had asked me again the day before it happened and I said no for at least an hour before I reluctantly said yes. The way that I emotionally abused him was through constant lying and making promises I did not end up doing. I had also made some new friends and would spend one day per week with them whereas usually I would spend every night on discord with him. But, he felt that I gave them more of my effort than I did with him, and that I did not care about him especially since we would only hang out online but I was hanging out with my friends in person. His reasoning for making out was so that he would be able to show physically just how much he loves me, that it would help with his anxiety for whenever I do hang out with my friends, and because making out is a normal thing in couples. I am pretty sure when he was asking me, he had mentioned that he understands that no means no and that me saying no was not applicable to actually being no. So I am not sure if this is a healthy boundary. Although I do understand he had gone through a few months of my emotional abuse and I had not taken any accountability at that point.
Addressing your other point. I have been doing what I can with changing the way I am so that I am not as self-centered as I was before. But I feel that there is not much more I can do for him as I do not wish to be friends with him. I feel that he is wanting things to go back to how they were before I had abused him. I do not know if I am being petty or resentful for not wanting to repair our friendship.
Hi there, what you are describing doesn’t sound like you’re being abusive. I’m not entirely clear of what your explaining. It sounds like you are trying to set healthy boundaries that feel safe to you. You are not obligated to make out with him if you don’t feel like it or if you view the relationship differently than he does. As far as seeing friends once per week, there is nothing wrong with that. Healthy relationships make room for each partner to have outside interests and friends they see. It sounds like he is playing the victim and coercively trying to control your time. You have every right to be your own person. I don’t recommend lying. I recommend speaking the truth even if it is going to upset him. You’re not obligated to meet his every need, especially when he aims to limit your access to others or when it involves your personal space, such as your body and intimacy. In regards to repairing your friendship, if it doesn’t feel good to you, you are not being petty. You are your own person. You don’t need his agreement. You get to decide what feels best to you. Listen to your body. It’s speaking to you. You feel uncomfortable. It seems like he is making you feel like you’re the one who should feel guilty or responsible for how he feels. If you have done something truly harmful, then feeling guilt is a healthy emotion that should prompt us to apologize. Many, however, feel misplaced guilt for things they shouldn’t feel guilty about. He may be playing the victim, the wounded one, in order to get his way. Please don’t take on that misplaced guilt. Be confident to be yourself, set boundaries, and follow through by terminating the friendship if that’s want feels good to you. Big hugs, Annette
“Some children, however, will flee or fight back. Usually, this takes place after recurring trauma or abuse. Some ways you might understandably see a child fight is by:”
– destroying something in the house
– cursing at their parents
– or telling them they hate them
Not all children who react in anger are doing it as a trauma response. Children with autism or ADHD will display these very same behaviors. I’m only saying this because we deal with this type of behavior with our autistic son, who has ADHD as well. When he has a meltdown he can become aggressive, say that he hates us, swear, destroy his room, throw something, scream, yell, and cry. These are the moments where we are able to teach him compassion and love through staying neutral, patient, and understanding. ❤️
Thank you so much for adding this perspective. You’re absolutely right, behaviors like swearing, destroying things, or saying “I hate you” are not always trauma responses. In the article, we’re speaking specifically about how children sometimes react to recurring abuse or trauma. In those contexts, their behaviors are often misunderstood as “bad” or “defiant,” when really they’re survival responses to ongoing harm.
Both truths are important: not all outbursts are rooted in abuse, and when they are, they need to be understood through a trauma-informed lens. Thank you again for highlighting this nuance.
I had to call protective services and make a report about my mom and her abusive husband! She called adult protection services on me when I reacted to her dismissal of my brother and I being abused as little kids. She filmed my reaction and used it against me! Even thought it is federal law not to film someone with out them knowing!? The social worker treated me like she was a cop and I’m a villain. I called 911 on my exhusband and he charmed the cops. I got a stupid young cop who tried to flirt with me like he was at a party and we just met!? What is wrong with responders? Hard job and you have my sympathy but that was pathetic! Also I had to make my exhusband and mother give up their trumped up charges against me! What a miracle those things were! Thank you for this article! I’m so grateful!
Hi there. I’m so glad you found the article helpful. I want to add something to the article for you to consider. Now that you understand your involuntary reactions to trauma, it’s critically important that you do the work to learn how to regulate your emotions so you don’t find yourself in more trouble. Responders and the courts don’t recognize reactive defense. Your ex, and maybe even your mom, might bait you into a conflict so they can record your reactions again. Please read about emotional regulation and begin to practice when you’re alone. Do things that bring you joy. Take good care. Love, Annette
this is very informative! I still have questions and a bit of confusion on my part only as it is not a q n a. I learned a lot from this about myself and my "partner?" abuser I guess would be more accurate.
I’m so glad you found this informative! I want to warmly invite you to join our Restore Coaching Community, where Annette will answer your anonymous questions live in a Zoom webinar, offering guidance in a safe, and validating space.